This is the time

About my stats post

I decided I'm going to make myself a place here where I can put my stats, and then just link to the same ongoing post. For now this will just be days since last binge, and how well I'm doing with the regular pre-breakfast exercise. No weight numbers. I know that makes me seem chicken - well I am :D - but that's not the reason. [No - that's not my current picture in my avatar - that's the way I looked before I started binge eating in 2008 and regained the weight I'd lost in 2007. That's my goal avvie. :D]

I check my weight every morning because I see that's a common habit of long term weight loss maintainers, but I know my scales are vague and inaccurate and I really just use it as a bit of a guide. I don't want to get hung up on the numbers and I know that once I start recording them, I will get hung up on them to some extent. I want to be handling the binge eating a lot more reliably and have some specific reason to record them, before I start paying good attention to good scales again (if I ever do).

These are stats of the things I'm actually focusing on. I think recording binges will give me a bit more incentive to actively challenge binging behaviour when I feel like I want to binge. This is separate to the ongoing things I do to try and prevent myself from wanting to binge in the first place.

Also I think having a record will make it easier for me to be sure that the progress I believe I'm making is actually happening - that I am actually continuing to improve as far as this behaviour goes. If I put it here, I'm more likely to actually maintain the record.
 
I think recording binge days is a great idea, its like KOPO... Kick One, Pick One. Kick a bad habit, and pick a good one. You are doing both!. And I definitely agree with everything you think a "binge" is.
 
Thanks, Brandy.

OK. And the latest news is I start a new class of Year Ones on Monday.

I'm pretty well overwhelmed by the whole thing right now. I wasn't able to get to the school today after I was told about it, because my car was still in being serviced. After it was ready I walked back (a lot faster than this morning), and picked it up, so I guess that was good ... It will be a mad rush to be ready for Monday and for all the days to follow for quite a while. I'm at school tomorrow and Friday but I know we have training and meetings. I don't know how much time I'll have to get anything ready.

At any rate, I'm intending to try and give myself some time here regardless, but I will try not to post much, and generally stick to reading only for other people's diaries.
 
Hello Kerry, I'm popping in for my first posting here and wishing you well... Your diary, or at least the limited amount I've had the time to read is a who's who of shared friends here. I'm surprised that we have not really met up before now... No matter, we have now!

I love what you are doing about posting your accountablity towards binges and exercise. It gives a solid track record to benchmark yourself against. Another thought? Since this is a behavior that you seem intent on changing, and we all know that we periodically slip....

Maybe consider another stat too (if you ever need it). If you slip, and need to restart your stats, post another stat showing your previous best. If for instatnce you made it 10 days without a binge, then slipped, posta previous best of 10 days. Maybe it could be a mental reference by trying to beat the record the next time around? Don't know, just a thought... Maybe you will never slip ( I would certainly wish that level of willpower for you :D).

At any rate, you seem like an intelligent, warm and supportive person and I will be back...

Karl
 
Aaw. What a great idea. I'll do that. Thank you so much, Karl.

LOL! Love the "if" you ever need it. :D

I think we haven't met up because I was away from these boards for 7 months and just started posting again regularly. I will look you up too. :)
 
Hi Felici,
Here you are girly, thanks for the link again, I can so relate to what you are saying and by the sounds of it you are on top of your game knowing the actual cycle of a binge emotion by emotion, WOW! that takes time, energy, commitment, and a spirit of self control. I like the way you explain the term "pigging out" I myself use to love to get my treats for my pigging out session at weekends but on a small scale in the week, small meaning large to a normal person, so that was something to think on felici and I reckon now I am aware of it I might even hear it in converstation. Its amazing how many people accept this as normal behaviour because I myself thought I was entitled to it, these days I tell myself weekend is just another day nothing special and nothing to physcially prepare a comfort zone to sit in while watching telly, it sometimes frightens me when I sit down because of the empty feelings of stocking up on a binge but I have managed to control that aspect of my daily routine and I am amazed at my hubby"s comfort zone. I understand the anxiety you speak of, its kinda of weird when it comes on but like you said we need to fill it in before it consumes us, let me know on any other tips you have conquered and if you ever write a book, let me know.

Love
caroline
xx
 
reluctantcabbie said:
At any rate, you seem like an intelligent, warm and supportive person and I will be back...
Click to expand...

He is a good supportive guy....

Kerry...I think it is awesome that you are teaching...is it full time ? You will be great:D!Im happy that you were able to get something afterall with the the screw up on their end which sucks...Im assuming this is the sam place or?

I am happy that you can recognize the binging and that you are finding reasonable, realistic ways/train of thought to deal with it.

You are very well loved here:)And all we wanna do is see you succeed and support you:)

I think it is great to record your progress with the binge eating.Seeing your progress is a great way to see how well you are doing but also even if you have a slip up it is still reassuring how well things are going and maybe by recording when you do slip up you can strt to see or recognize patterns?Moods, events so on?

You dont need to be able to cross your legs for yoga.It might help you emensly...The beauty of yoga is that everything is adtable and you do what you can in whatever variation you can:)As you get better at it (which is with practise) You can improve your poses, got into them and do them properlly, lol!

:hug2::hug2::hug2:

OH AND - Your ABSOLUTLY BEAUTIFUL and I bet you still are just as stunning as your av is:DYou have pretty hair and a greeeeat smile:)!!!

Im still glad you are back!!!
 
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Thanks caroline and cerella. I don't have time to write properly now but it was a great moral boost to see your posts last night.

It's been a way hectic first day at the school. Friendly staff. Messy dusty room that I have not enough time to fix properly. Basically, just not enough time for what I should do right now, but I guess it will work out.

I got some exercise before school as planned - I really don't think I will make it tomorrow though. I was quite happy and content last night but no way could I actually fall properly asleep until after 3:00. I still have to load heaps of stuff into the car in the morning and make use of one of the little windows of time I have to get the room straightened out.
 
/me sends positive thoughts at Felici.

Keep going! Watch out for the potholes on this part of the road of life!
This means "easy sweet snacky foods" :p

Get fresh fruit, or even canned (in juice not syrup) for emergencies. :D

I'm really glad to see you so busy and doing so well; they gave you a dusty room to turn into an eduquarium, and now you are suddenly active and on-the-run.

Hey, on a side note, just because I don't see it recently mentioned: Remember to keep track of your rolling average when it comes to your "daily weigh-in", because daily fluctuations are misleading! A pound isn't gained or lost until it has lasted a week (or 10 days or however long), which makes initial results a little more difficult to see, but also removes a lot of the anxiety from any negative news you might see on that scale.

Take care; I'm really glad for you and am continuing to watch. :D
 
hey hey :) don't worry..when you settle in then you will also find time to organize better :)

as for sleeping. maybe you should get the CDs cerella's been using. i know they helped her.

as for yoga. i was using yoga for dummies DVD for the first few weeks and the instructor says that you can be sitting in a chair and do the exercises in a modified way. all i can say is that for me they are extremely soothing and calm me down. my mindset is changing due to this and due to dancing. i'm dealing better with anxioussness. i still get afraid but the nod that i had in my stomach every day is slowly fading :)
the focus on positivity definitely helps.
 
Measuring my weight loss
Ta, Qjay! As far as rolling averages go - I'm just barely tracking my weight loss. All I do is weigh in the morning and if it looks the same or higher than before I think that's okay, and if it's gone down to a number that I haven't seen before then I reckon it's moving the right way. I know the scales fluctuate a lot from one time of weighing to another, but if the lowest number I can get is consistently moving to a lower number then that's okay with me. I guess all I really do is look at the number of kilos rather than the points. If it's 93.6 kg one day and then 93.5 then 93.9 93.2 - I would just say it's still about 93, even though that's a range of 2 lb or so, but if it showed 92.5 (or 92.whatever), and I hadn't seen any sort of 92 before I'd think that meant it must be going down. I don't worry if it says 93 something again the next day - nothing can change much in a day or two. I just sort of notice when it's new and then I notice when it's consistent, and then I notice a new number. I can't remember numbers all that well, and I don't write them down, but I register whether it's something I haven't seen for a while. If I thought my eating was dodgy and I saw a number of kilos that I hadn't seen for a while and it was UP, that would register too. If I was in a different situation with my weight loss and it was harder to know whether I was really losing or not, then I'd use the health club scales which are a proper balance beam and more reliable. (LOL and if you'd just reminded me, I might do a 10 day rolling average too. :D) Since the 28 November I've lost about 7kg (15lb) and some of that is recent. That's all I know really.

Exercising?
I actually did the exercise BEFORE I started the job. The last two days have just been overwhelming. The lack of sleep the night before had an effect, but also, I have so much to do and so much new material to absorb that it's crazy. Hopefully I will get in some exercise before breakfast tomorrow and Sunday and maybe during the week, but next Monday again, my priority will have to be getting to school incredibly early so that there are some activities set out for the children when they arrive.

Crazy busy at school
Why did I not do that already? Well, there was just too much to fit in between the time I was told I had the room and the time the kids are coming. At school most of my time has been taken up with meetings/information sessions/training, and it's not possible to stay very late because it gets locked up. Today I organized some help to make changes in the room while I was at a meeting and at that meeting we were told they had had to rearrange the classes, and so I was getting a class half of Year 1 and and half Pre-Primaries, instead of a straight Year 1 - so I had to go back at lunch time and ask my helpers to get some of the gear back because the younger kids would need it. Then we had to think about how to rearrange the room to accommodate the different needs of the much younger group. Anyway, it's crazy hectic :willy_nilly: , but I love being absorbed in it. (Just now and again it seems unmanageable - but mostly just crazy hectic.) I did get a blip down on the scales this morning and I think it was partly because I was too busy to eat much. The first day I forgot to take my lunch and today I had a sandwich in one hand and a duster in the other. :ack2:.

Improved reactions
I noticed some changes that have happened in my reactions today that I thought were good. I don't know how stable they are and how much they are the result of all the adrenalin and coffee, but they were good.

1) Chocolate. We had a mini-task to do during training and we were told there would be Mars (chocolate & nougat etc) bars as a reward for the fastest group. I instantly registered that as a "Yuck!" That was an automatic response not thought out, and it's very different to the salivation that would have started a couple of months ago.

2) Relaxing. I came home hot sweaty and exhausted and started thinking about whether a swim was a good idea or maybe a relaxation exercise, seeing as I knew I'd been through a whole bunch of stress. I kinda like that these thoughts even occurred to me as a logical reaction to my situation. I had another thought (which has been my normal reaction in the circumstances), along the lines that I had an overwhelming amount to get done and should keep working. However, my newer intention is that I look after my mental well being and feel that is my prior duty. I expect I often would have just collapsed and not worked anyway, but I would have felt guilty about it. Tonight I just sat down and had a chat about work to some friends on-line. (While using my bliss guaranteed foot massager.) Not something incredibly virtuous but a good destresser, and I decline to feel guilty about it. I know that I will catch up with my work duties given a little more time, and I also know that in the long term, the children will benefit more from me keeping my cool, than from almost any other task I could try to achieve anyway.

Balance. I'm still trying to keep a balance going, where I put what seems like a reasonable effort into the various obligations I have, and then allow myself say "well that's fair enough," or "that will do for now", and then leaving it (at least until another time), which is different to a habit I've often had, of visualizing some exact perfect details and obsessing until I've got as close as I can to them. I feel like I'm making progress with that - or maybe it's just that the amount or time it would take to finish everything I have to do now is just so monstrously much bigger than the amount that I've got, that I have no choice but to take a more reasonable approach.

3) NOT eating to relax. I had a pretty strong inclination to include eating as a part of the destress, and I resisted it. I probably could have handled some more calories, but I could tell that my impulse was to do with the relax=eat habit, rather than hunger and that based on my emotions it wasn't a good time to eat.

4) What do I do when I've eaten dinner and I'm still hungry? I'd eaten a decent meal and been finished about 10-20 minutes and I was still feeling hungry. Had I had enough? I'd had enough for one normal meal, but I didn't really know. Did I need more than usual? Had I had enough for the day? Umm. I'd be at the low end of ok calories. So what was I supposed to do about the hungry feeling - cos I had enough calories for an icecream - I even had Skinny Cow icecreams in the freezer. (From memory they're about 80-100 calories). I knew that having had lowish calories and a lot of work had left me vulnerable to a backlash effect though, so I was still feeling cautious ... and remembered that my plan was to try yoghurt as the first option. And yep - it worked. :coolgleamA: (BTW - if I was freaking out with anxiety and tension and in the midst of a bunch of bad eating habits right now - it might not have worked - I know because I remember that situation coming up in the past). I don't know why yoghurt is more likely to be an eating stopper than an icecream for me, it just is. It's about the same calories as SkinnyCow, but it's more satisfying, I never feel like having two yoghurts. At least I never feel like having two diet apricot yoghurts. I stopped buying diet cheesecake yoghurts because they had less calories but they were too yummy and if I was feeling bad, I'd feel like having two instead of one. And then maybe by the next day it would translate into the feeling that I wanted ACTUAL cheesecake. :ack2:

So for now this worked - hopefully it will be a strategy that makes a consistent difference.
 
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Today was okay. I felt pretty virtuous getting up early, walking early, shopping early, dropping Mum's shopping off, and then getting ready to take feligirl to a theme park with her friends. I took some work that I could imagine browsing while sitting in the shade. Unfortunately the shade was scanty and shifting, and the heat and humidity were high. I made a little progress with the work but not much considering how long we were there. I think I did what I could with that - if my time hadn't been so limited, I would have gone on a couple of waterslides at least and I think maybe I should have - there are always a few issues running at once on days like that though and the queues were off putting. The main thing I noticed from the work I did was how massively lacking in skills the Year 1's are. I always knew they would be, but it was a real thump into reality to see their end of year literacy assessments, even their oral English is so lacking.

For me the big question mark in the day was over my food in the afternoon. I ate my everyday lunch, tried a relaxation exercise and dozed off for a little while. When I woke up (always a vulnerable moment), the first thing I saw was a model of a giant icecream cone. That caused me a bit of trouble. The first thing I thought was that this was just an impulse related to waking up, and I dismissed it - but not as effectively as I might have. After a while I thought probably I should have some grapes, but they were way tart and not pleasant so I didn't eat many. I had a spare carrot so I ate that. That left me out of low fat and sugar options. Anyway, I figured that if I had two biscuits and stopped that wouldn't be a binge and maybe it was logical to eat them. Only then my girl ruffled my feathers, and the icecream idea came back. Nah. I don't need it! And my money's in a locker. Then the other girls paid me back some money so I had cash. So I'm thinking, yeah, I could decide to just wait, soon we'll be out of here and I won't care about the icecream, or I will feel happy I didn't eat it. Aaand then I thought that I really didn't have any sense that eating it would spark a binge. Sure I hadn't come here planning to have something like that, and icecreams are sometimes a trap for me (when there's a whole box in the freezer), but if I ate it and didn't eat anything else, even after the biscuits (Anzac's cookies), then that would hardly be a binge. So I ate it, and it was great, and I didn't feel like I wanted anything else and now I've had dinner and feel normal - not especially interested in food. So I'm going to say that was not all that different to what other people would eat while they were at that place for the afternoon, and didn't lead to a binge either. It's a bit borderline. I might claim it as a victory for binge control (ie coulda been a binge but was just a bit of eating unhealthy snacks), instead of a worrying risk.

Anyway, that got me looking at what I've been eating on the busy days lately and I reckon it's probably a bit low. It turned out that all my after lunch snacks added together was about 450 calories and my meals have been around 400 each. So after eating extra food including the stressed over icecream I'm at around 1700 calories. Before Christmas I was eating similar meals but usually having a substantial snack after school and that was fine. But lately I must have been around 1200 - and the day I forgot lunch, I was too busy to catch it up, so that would have been a really low day. I'm not too worried because I think the lower calorie days have been a bit of a blip - not likely to be ongoing, because at that level my appetite reasserts itself after a bit. I guess the worry for me personally is that the appetite might reappear with a bang ...

I expect from Monday I'll have an extra piece of fruit because of eating morning recess, and then add a snack after school sometimes and a yoghurt after dinner (depending how big the snack was, and if I don't already feel too full).

I'm not going to keep paying too much attention to this, for now normal fluctuations should keep everything going ok. I can't forget lunch and then not snack after school though!! That's just too confusing. :)D I just thought of something - now I get to eat at the same place every day so I can have back up food stored there. :D) *Adds "take crackers and tuna to school," to one mile long to do list*


This was today's menu:

Breakfast: 430
6:00 am Medium banana 80
7:00 am 2 Weetbix 100 , 200 ml soy milk 82 , preserved peaches 60,
Boiled egg, 80 (I usually have fresh tomato with that but we'd run out)
Coffee, 20

Lunch: 440
12:15 Small wholemeal bread roll 130, peanut paste (butter), 250.
Carrot 40

Snacks: 440
1:30 Grapes 40
2:00 Carrot 40
3:15 2 Anzac biscuits 126
4:15 Drumstick (icecream) 225

Dinner: Curried Seafood 390
7:30 120 gm mixed seafood (with oil) 170
curry sauce ~ 60
1/2 C basmati rice 105
lettuce carrot capsicum snow peas 55

1700

I've worked it out now, but I half wish I hadn't bothered because I probably would have eaten the same way next week regardless of looking at this, and now I've spent time on it, and I'm feeling a little stressed.

We have the plumber here at present (well for the past 4 days and he's not finished yet). We did actually start trying to get this work done before Christmas but this was the fastest we could get someone here. He's been replacing pipes, so my husband took up slabs and brickpaving before he came - which was a big job. Because he's finished bits of it, my husband has started to try and relay the pavers. Now he's exhausted and stressed. I just asked him to ease up on it for a couple of weeks. It's really too much at once. Monday I have my first class in my own classroom, a potentially awkward split level full of chiildren with special difficulties, which I've had no proper time to prepare for; my girl has her first day in high school and my son has his first day in upper high school, my mum's not quite recuperated from her surgery, and I think the plumber is going to replace a toilet.

Well, one good thing. I considered a little while ago that I feel a bit stressed tonight and thought about what would be a nice high buzz destresser. I haven't figured that out yet, but it's a much improved thought over maybe not even noticing that my feeling is one of being too stressed, and just wondering what I can eat! :D

I think I'll use my foot massager for a while and maybe read some jokes - and then go to bed! Right now, sleep would be a good buzz really.
 
Starting something is always stressful and i think its great that you are aware of it :D the relaxation, and giving yourself time to ease your mind IS the key to BALANCE :D so great great.

one of the reasons that i noticed yoga is helpful to me is not only the exercise but the idea of focusing on ME...more than any other exercise. while doing tae bo i'm thinking about having fun, about following the choreography...here i'm thinking...focus on belly being soft, focus on the breathing. i guess i needed that 'inner exercise' as well. i think guided meditation does the same. when you hear a voice saying: relax, feel your body sinking, you focus on that part.
your conversations with yourself are that...you were focusing on yourself :D

keep it up :D you're doing great.
 
Thanks, lena! I am feeling happy tonight. I have had a long day with school plus kids and stuff and I need to start doing more prep again soon, plus it was hot and steamy all day - the kind of conditions I remember drooping through as a kid when I was little myself. Dumb evaporative air-conditioning is very little help when it is humid here. However, I only had two thirds of my class arrive today. They probably think the first day is tomorrow, because we've started on a Tuesday for the past few years. I didn't mind though. :D It was great to have a chance to practice in less challenging conditions. My little ones today were good as gold and even the boy who will (probably) end up driving me crazy was trying really hard. It was heaps easier than I'd been anticipating. Fingers crossed for the rest of the week.
 
Thanks, Brandy.

I still don't have all my class. The ones that came were still good. I'm still flat out with it.

It is hard trying to still do the balance thing right now. I think yesterday was a school, kids, housework balance - not so good on the routines for taking care of myself. I did eat properly, did make some emotional progress and did manage a very quick moment of deliberate relaxation I guess and it won't keep being the very first week ever, so I'm still pretty happy with myself.

And I reached a new kilo number this morning so that's cool too. :)
 
Ta! :) It's nice to see the scales keep behaving - my clothes are behaving better also and thank goodness for that! :D The weight I've lost the last couple of months has been helpful. It definitely made it easier for me to dress for school and it's also helped me feel better able to cope with activities and keep my (emotional) cool. The weather is improving for the moment, which is a bonus. I'm running low on sleep though. I better go and attend to that now. :)
 
Heya Felici,

Congrats on the KG and better still, on seeing the problems and finding a solution before you get to them (ie the being hungry after dinner etc). I have the same kinda problems and have to make sure i have the correct foods around.
 
Thanks wishes. The right food is a huge help. These days I'm trying to teach myself to cope even when the right food isn't there, and I feel like I'm making progress.

Funny thing, this morning the messages here made me look back at what I'd already written on this page and that reminded me that I hadn't packed lunch (again), so I did take it after all. I didn't have time to eat much, but that sandwich really keeps me going, I'm glad I wasn't without it. So maybe it was worthwhile writing about the need to remember that and organize back up after all. *writes "buy crackers" on shopping list*

A big blob today. I don't know if I can explain it properly because all the little bits making the circles spin in my brain need too many details. Suffice to say that a mum came late to collect her daughter, and behaved in ways that didn't make sense to me, so I let her leave again to try and catch up with the girl elsewhere, even though she was still sitting in my classroom. Though it was sorted out within a few minutes, the mum was distraught and I feel ghastly about it. In my defence I am pretty well exhausted by now, from the 90 degree learning curve I've been on, and the enormous amount of work I need to do, but ... Yeah. Big BIG Anxiety situation. Too big to make we want to overeat because I just felt ill. I had things to do for a couple of hours after school, then I went and lay on the bed, tried a relaxation exercise and went straight to sleep (counted down from 30 and only got to 12), my family accidentally woke me a couple of times so I didn't sleep long. It helped me de-stress my body, and I wrote out the full story to some teacher friends, which kinda helped (I only just posted it). Bleugh. It's so crappy.

Anyway, time to get ready for tomorrow.

I hope nothing significant has happened in the diaries I was posting in recently. I will catch up on the weekend.
 
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