JayCanDoIt
New member
Oh Loch, just came back to these forums and saw your recent posts. You've tasted the sweet side of the 190s, you just need to fight more and get back on there! We're rooting for you =).
Taking Back Control (A Diary)
- Thread starter Loch
- Start date
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tetemcg
New member
AWell first off so happy you came here and wrote it down.....you are acknowledging your issues and not hiding from them...that takes a very strong person!!
Secondly ...only you can make you happy...its not anyone (men) or anything ( losing weight)...we are in control of being happy...even if every outside force wants it not to be. So if you feel the need to try medication to make you content and reach a happier place...you do what you need to do...there is never shame in taking care of you!!
Keep talking to your therapist and please take care of you!! XOXOXO
Secondly ...only you can make you happy...its not anyone (men) or anything ( losing weight)...we are in control of being happy...even if every outside force wants it not to be. So if you feel the need to try medication to make you content and reach a happier place...you do what you need to do...there is never shame in taking care of you!!
Keep talking to your therapist and please take care of you!! XOXOXO
Frogged
New member
Heya Loch! 
To be honest, I've been having some dark thoughts myself recently as well. You're not alone.. I mean, I've always fought the darkness in my heart and mind that has accumulated over the years, but every so often, something happens that amplifies it to a point where you just feel nothing but a crushing feeling of despair for a while. I really understand that. I think it's effects are even stronger on people like us who have struggled with weight and self-esteem issues for as long as we can remember. Being miserable just feels natural to us, and changing our physical appearance takes a lot less time than resetting our mental swtiches. I know what you mean about just being fucking sick and tired of your emotions, thoughts, feelings, failures, etc.. Oh man - do I ever!
It can be soooo draining and exhausting. When not exercising, finding a hobby, or any kind of distraction, really helps! Whether it's taking up a new instrument (a great outlet if you're emotional btw), or going outside and working on something in your yard or house. Just keeping busy can really help!
I don't mean to make this about me for the most part, I'm just trying to parallel our current emotions as they seem very similar at the moment. I do my best to stay uplifting and upbeat when I post here, but the diaries are here not just for the good days, but for the bad days as well. It's important to get everything out there! I've been drinking a little regularly almost nightly, not enough to get annihilated, but enough to make me 'care free' until I decide to go to bed. I know it hinders my ability to lose weight, and actually sleep well, but when you live alone with certain unfamiliar situations, sometimes it's the only way to quiet the thoughts in your head.
Suicidal thoughts were something I really struggled with years ago, especially when I was at my heaviest working at a particularly miserable job I had. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was ever actually that serious, but I did think that one day soon, it'd all be over (either through my own means, or through obesity-related circumstances), and that always made me feel better in a screwed up way. Almost like this hell won't last forever. So, I understand that feeling of peace you had that you just can't shake. I still remember how it felt when I thought that way, too, but you have so much more to live for now! This is just a temporary obstacle in your journey to a much happier, healthier life - and that happiness you achieve when you find that life will overshadow that feeling of 'peace' you felt that night!
Now, something you said near the beginning of your post really stood out to me:
I so get that. Drinking while depressed can completely debilitate you. I've done it (not too long ago actually), and made an ass/jerk of myself. Don't stress about it! Sometimes you just need to let it all out and not think about it. There have been some nights when I thought I'd never stop crying.. it was like having a dam burst.
Letting go is always hard, too. I still hold regret over some things I didn't do or say when my mother was alive, then with the recent new encounters with women.. forget it. The 'what if's' just turn my brain into scrambled eggs some days.
Oh, and putting other's feelings before my own contributes to that too I believe. I do that constantly. I sometimes go too far above and beyond to make others happy that I don't think about what I'm doing, then I may come off as overbearing/clingy I guess and they pull away. It happened just recently, and someone I really liked and cared about just went completely radio silent. I almost feel like an annoyance if I even try to communicate now It can feel pretty hopeless for future encounters, but I'm starting to believe these situations are just lessons to learn from that will make you a much better person for when you do find the one you're meant to be with.
I'm not alarmed by your post as I know how strong you are! I also understand the mentality of sitting on the floor sobbing, but look at it as a release that you needed. Crying is great stress relief and is very cathartic, plus it burns calories - not a whole lot, but about the same as laughing does! hehe :] However, I do worry about you and everyone else, but that's because I've always been a pretty big worrywart!
I know you'll get through this, regardless of the paths you take in the near future. I know it can be foggy and confusing, but there is always a light to be found if you keep your chin up and eyes open! That light will inevitably lead you to where you're supposed to go
As they say, everything happens for a reason. Every choice you make is the one you were meant to make at that moment in time to bring you to where you belong - so there's no reason to worry!
Hang tough there, Ms. Loch
Love your new profile pic btw!! You are beautiful!
To be honest, I've been having some dark thoughts myself recently as well. You're not alone.. I mean, I've always fought the darkness in my heart and mind that has accumulated over the years, but every so often, something happens that amplifies it to a point where you just feel nothing but a crushing feeling of despair for a while. I really understand that. I think it's effects are even stronger on people like us who have struggled with weight and self-esteem issues for as long as we can remember. Being miserable just feels natural to us, and changing our physical appearance takes a lot less time than resetting our mental swtiches. I know what you mean about just being fucking sick and tired of your emotions, thoughts, feelings, failures, etc.. Oh man - do I ever!
It can be soooo draining and exhausting. When not exercising, finding a hobby, or any kind of distraction, really helps! Whether it's taking up a new instrument (a great outlet if you're emotional btw), or going outside and working on something in your yard or house. Just keeping busy can really help!
I don't mean to make this about me for the most part, I'm just trying to parallel our current emotions as they seem very similar at the moment. I do my best to stay uplifting and upbeat when I post here, but the diaries are here not just for the good days, but for the bad days as well. It's important to get everything out there! I've been drinking a little regularly almost nightly, not enough to get annihilated, but enough to make me 'care free' until I decide to go to bed. I know it hinders my ability to lose weight, and actually sleep well, but when you live alone with certain unfamiliar situations, sometimes it's the only way to quiet the thoughts in your head.
Suicidal thoughts were something I really struggled with years ago, especially when I was at my heaviest working at a particularly miserable job I had. Looking back, I'm not sure if I was ever actually that serious, but I did think that one day soon, it'd all be over (either through my own means, or through obesity-related circumstances), and that always made me feel better in a screwed up way. Almost like this hell won't last forever. So, I understand that feeling of peace you had that you just can't shake. I still remember how it felt when I thought that way, too, but you have so much more to live for now! This is just a temporary obstacle in your journey to a much happier, healthier life - and that happiness you achieve when you find that life will overshadow that feeling of 'peace' you felt that night!
Now, something you said near the beginning of your post really stood out to me:
I so get that. Drinking while depressed can completely debilitate you. I've done it (not too long ago actually), and made an ass/jerk of myself. Don't stress about it! Sometimes you just need to let it all out and not think about it. There have been some nights when I thought I'd never stop crying.. it was like having a dam burst.
Letting go is always hard, too. I still hold regret over some things I didn't do or say when my mother was alive, then with the recent new encounters with women.. forget it. The 'what if's' just turn my brain into scrambled eggs some days.
Oh, and putting other's feelings before my own contributes to that too I believe. I do that constantly. I sometimes go too far above and beyond to make others happy that I don't think about what I'm doing, then I may come off as overbearing/clingy I guess and they pull away. It happened just recently, and someone I really liked and cared about just went completely radio silent. I almost feel like an annoyance if I even try to communicate now
It can feel pretty hopeless for future encounters, but I'm starting to believe these situations are just lessons to learn from that will make you a much better person for when you do find the one you're meant to be with.I'm not alarmed by your post as I know how strong you are! I also understand the mentality of sitting on the floor sobbing, but look at it as a release that you needed. Crying is great stress relief and is very cathartic, plus it burns calories - not a whole lot, but about the same as laughing does! hehe :] However, I do worry about you and everyone else, but that's because I've always been a pretty big worrywart!
I know you'll get through this, regardless of the paths you take in the near future. I know it can be foggy and confusing, but there is always a light to be found if you keep your chin up and eyes open! That light will inevitably lead you to where you're supposed to go
As they say, everything happens for a reason. Every choice you make is the one you were meant to make at that moment in time to bring you to where you belong - so there's no reason to worry!
Hang tough there, Ms. Loch
Love your new profile pic btw!! You are beautiful!
Irishprincess
New member
Loch this is just a quick stop by because i have to go down and watch a tv show with my sister, but will read your new post tomorrow or later, but all i wanna say is............I LOVE YOUR NEW PROFILE PIC....YOU LOOK STUNNING!!!!!!!!!! Go you gorgeous gal xxxx
Go you gorgeous gal xxxx
Loch
New member
AThanks for the kind words and the compliments, guys.
I'm okay, just taking it one day at a time. Unfortunately those days have been bad food wise, and I haven't done any walking. My teeth also really hurt. I can't afford the dentist, I may lose one of my front teeth...but my boss mentioned that he may be able to help me with the cost if that does happen. It's bad enough I don't like my body, if I lost a front tooth I'd never go outside again.
Here's hoping tomorrow is a new (better) day.
I'm okay, just taking it one day at a time. Unfortunately those days have been bad food wise, and I haven't done any walking. My teeth also really hurt. I can't afford the dentist, I may lose one of my front teeth...but my boss mentioned that he may be able to help me with the cost if that does happen. It's bad enough I don't like my body, if I lost a front tooth I'd never go outside again.
Here's hoping tomorrow is a new (better) day.
Frogged
New member
Oh Loch
Hang in there. These are the times when your strength really shines through.
Truthfully, I'm agnostic, but if there is a greater, more powerful force out there, I've heard that he/she/it only gives us only what we can handle. You can handle these obstacles!
I actually have 2 fake teeth in my top area. When I was younger, it was discovered that I didn't have adult teeth behind some baby teeth I had lost. So, when they came out, I had authentic 'buck teeth' for a while.. lol, I was like Bugs Bunny in my youth for a couple months. Luckily, my adoptive father had premium health insurance, so I was eventually able to get the best dental implants available at the time. This was like.. almost 20 years ago. They were chemically bonded and I haven't really had any trouble with them whatsoever. I also had braces when I was younger too!
Here's a quick reference pic - my #7 and #10 teeth are fake - side by side to my top front 2 teeth.
Yeah, not sure why they never had adult ones behind them. Hmpf.
So, don't fret - it'll all work out. It's cool that your boss is willing to help with the cost! He sounds like a good guy! I hope your job is going well and I know you'll get back on track with the weight loss, whenever you're ready!
Please don't stress about it You're going to accomplish amazing things in the future - I know it!
Like you said, one day at a time
Hang in there. These are the times when your strength really shines through.
Truthfully, I'm agnostic, but if there is a greater, more powerful force out there, I've heard that he/she/it only gives us only what we can handle. You can handle these obstacles!
I actually have 2 fake teeth in my top area. When I was younger, it was discovered that I didn't have adult teeth behind some baby teeth I had lost. So, when they came out, I had authentic 'buck teeth' for a while.. lol, I was like Bugs Bunny in my youth for a couple months. Luckily, my adoptive father had premium health insurance, so I was eventually able to get the best dental implants available at the time. This was like.. almost 20 years ago. They were chemically bonded and I haven't really had any trouble with them whatsoever. I also had braces when I was younger too!
Here's a quick reference pic - my #7 and #10 teeth are fake - side by side to my top front 2 teeth.
Yeah, not sure why they never had adult ones behind them. Hmpf.
So, don't fret - it'll all work out. It's cool that your boss is willing to help with the cost! He sounds like a good guy! I hope your job is going well and I know you'll get back on track with the weight loss, whenever you're ready!
Please don't stress about it You're going to accomplish amazing things in the future - I know it!
Like you said, one day at a time
Loch
New member
AUp to 205...I'm sure most of it is retention, but I've also been eating junk food too. I never have enough energy even when I sleep enough. Although I have noticed...I tend to toss and turn, wake up every so often, maybe I have a sleeping disorder and don't know it. All I know is that I shouldn't feel THIS tired every day.
I really need to get in gear! It's just so tough these days...and soon summer will be over. I'm afraid my motivation will die off once it gets cold out and I'll have to use the gym.
My teeth have gotten tighter, and the brushing/flossing/mouth wash has been helping with the receding of my gums. I also removed my tongue ring, I think part of the erosion against my teeth was the bottom ball having been there pressing against it and what not for the last ten 9 years. Since I've taken it out there's big a big improvement.
My only problem is when it's late at night and my thoughts wander, I have to force myself to think positive. I need inspiration.
Tomorrow is another new day.
Been seeing a movie once a week with Andrew (I dated him a year ago, we remained friends). It's been nice, and he's started getting on a healthy kick too (gym and change of diet). I'm hoping it works out for him, maybe once he's gotten past the first hump (he's been at it 2 weeks) we'll do some walking together.
I really need to get in gear! It's just so tough these days...and soon summer will be over. I'm afraid my motivation will die off once it gets cold out and I'll have to use the gym.
My teeth have gotten tighter, and the brushing/flossing/mouth wash has been helping with the receding of my gums. I also removed my tongue ring, I think part of the erosion against my teeth was the bottom ball having been there pressing against it and what not for the last ten 9 years. Since I've taken it out there's big a big improvement.
My only problem is when it's late at night and my thoughts wander, I have to force myself to think positive. I need inspiration.
Tomorrow is another new day
.Been seeing a movie once a week with Andrew (I dated him a year ago, we remained friends). It's been nice, and he's started getting on a healthy kick too (gym and change of diet). I'm hoping it works out for him, maybe once he's gotten past the first hump (he's been at it 2 weeks) we'll do some walking together
.
Frogged
New member
I so friggin' hate retention weight (rhymes!), hehe.. but, as long as you keep on it, it'll come off just like the real stuff
No worries!You had a tongue ring for 9 years, eh? Cool! Although I never thought about it, I can see why something like that might cause gradual damage to your teeth over time. Probably a good idea you took it out then
Remaining friends with someone you used to be romantic with can be quite rare I've heard. I'm glad you're able to continue hanging out with him without any weirdness and/or awkwardness! It's good to have friends
Positive thoughts beget more positive thoughts, as negative thoughts beget more negative ones.
Or so I've heard
I'm still working on that philosophy myself some days!Keep your head up, Ms. Loch! You already know you're going to hit your goal weight in the near future, so don't stress about that! Maybe thinking of that fact will help keep your mind in a more positive state during those late nights
Sending you good, froggy vibes!!
Loch
New member
Long time no see.
They changed the forums again...lol. I don't like it, and my signature is gone.
I've been wanting to come back, and once again I'm making an effort to get back on the wagon.
Anyway! Since I last posted, I met someone new. We met November 9th after having talked for a few days online on a dating site. We hit it off pretty well. He's going through a divorce, and has two children (4 year old, and 7 year old). He's a stay at home dad, because with his son being so young he's only in preschool and it will be hard to get a job and take care of the kids. His ex helps out well enough but, well, it's one of the things he knows he'll need to work on.
I have a hard time pulling away when someone is similar to me, in that, we've spent every day together the last month. He likes my company and he's been making me very happy. Due to this I've also been spending a lot of time with his children and even if things didn't work out between us I'd more than likely remain friends and help him with his kids. It seems like he has no one in his corner ever since his wife left.
Anyway, the one problem is that he takes his kids out to dinner a lot, it's hard to cook at home with two young kids bouncing around (the nice thing is that they always drink water and only eat small portions, healthy foods). Whenever I'm with them I feel it's so hard to say no to the fast food and soda. I've been bouncing up and down in my weight and I need to stop.
So I'm gonna try to make a meal plan, and we both agreed that it would be good to eat in more rather than going out (Thursday and Saturday are the days we'll go out). I plan on not eating out, I'll eat beforehand.
I joined a gym...kind of got suckered into it. I was just gonna try the free trial, but they had to do an orientation, and when they talked to me about joining and fees I couldn't help but sign up. It's 52 a month but I didn't have to pay any start up fees. It's a nice place, lots of machines and activities. The hard part was when one of the personal trainers all but shoved her sign up information down my throat. She was obviously manipulating me, saying that if I stopped spending my money on junk food it would be enough to have a personal trainer instead. Anyway, I dodged that bullet, I can't afford a $5,000 trainer.
I need to get into a routine. I got a new phone that has a better screen (Samsung Galaxy S3) so I'm gonna find a show I can watch.
I'm scared about loose skin. Conrad (my boyfriend) has loose skin. He lost some 30lb in a short period of time (he was depressed and stressed taking care of the kids alone that he didn't eat). He has a LOT of loose skin, and it makes me sad. I'm worried it will happen to me, and I can't afford surgery to fix it. I think I already have some...I hope that this isn't the case.
That's it for now, I'll try to make a routine of updating here. I see that I've kind of fallen behind a few people lol. Not that it's a race.
Weighed myself this morning, I'm at 209. I was at 204 last week, I had the flu. I'll officially weigh in on Saturday and continue with my chart.
EDIT:
Today I've had:
6 oatmeal cookies - 480
Salad with grilled chicken - 580
Two fruit snacks - 140
Rice with cabbage and 1 egg = 400
= 1600
They changed the forums again...lol. I don't like it, and my signature is gone.
I've been wanting to come back, and once again I'm making an effort to get back on the wagon.
Anyway! Since I last posted, I met someone new. We met November 9th after having talked for a few days online on a dating site. We hit it off pretty well. He's going through a divorce, and has two children (4 year old, and 7 year old). He's a stay at home dad, because with his son being so young he's only in preschool and it will be hard to get a job and take care of the kids. His ex helps out well enough but, well, it's one of the things he knows he'll need to work on.
I have a hard time pulling away when someone is similar to me, in that, we've spent every day together the last month. He likes my company and he's been making me very happy. Due to this I've also been spending a lot of time with his children and even if things didn't work out between us I'd more than likely remain friends and help him with his kids. It seems like he has no one in his corner ever since his wife left.
Anyway, the one problem is that he takes his kids out to dinner a lot, it's hard to cook at home with two young kids bouncing around (the nice thing is that they always drink water and only eat small portions, healthy foods). Whenever I'm with them I feel it's so hard to say no to the fast food and soda. I've been bouncing up and down in my weight and I need to stop.
So I'm gonna try to make a meal plan, and we both agreed that it would be good to eat in more rather than going out (Thursday and Saturday are the days we'll go out). I plan on not eating out, I'll eat beforehand.
I joined a gym...kind of got suckered into it. I was just gonna try the free trial, but they had to do an orientation, and when they talked to me about joining and fees I couldn't help but sign up. It's 52 a month but I didn't have to pay any start up fees. It's a nice place, lots of machines and activities. The hard part was when one of the personal trainers all but shoved her sign up information down my throat. She was obviously manipulating me, saying that if I stopped spending my money on junk food it would be enough to have a personal trainer instead. Anyway, I dodged that bullet, I can't afford a $5,000 trainer.
I need to get into a routine. I got a new phone that has a better screen (Samsung Galaxy S3) so I'm gonna find a show I can watch.
I'm scared about loose skin. Conrad (my boyfriend) has loose skin. He lost some 30lb in a short period of time (he was depressed and stressed taking care of the kids alone that he didn't eat). He has a LOT of loose skin, and it makes me sad. I'm worried it will happen to me, and I can't afford surgery to fix it. I think I already have some...I hope that this isn't the case.
That's it for now, I'll try to make a routine of updating here. I see that I've kind of fallen behind a few people lol. Not that it's a race
.Weighed myself this morning, I'm at 209. I was at 204 last week, I had the flu. I'll officially weigh in on Saturday and continue with my chart.
EDIT:
Today I've had:
6 oatmeal cookies - 480
Salad with grilled chicken - 580
Two fruit snacks - 140
Rice with cabbage and 1 egg = 400
= 1600
Last edited:
Loch
New member
I'm so not doing as well as I'd like, but tomorrow is another day.
I've been working with a girl at work, she has the same name as me, same height, weight, everything. We could be twins (she's younger though). She also has depression and self-image problems. I feel like if we can both commit and push each other we could reach our goals.
I have stomach pains, been that way since October. Could be any number of things...gonna try to see a doctor sometime soon about that. Might try a gluten free diet if anything, but doctor first, I hear that it's best to check to see if you have celiac disease first before cutting out the gluten.
Can't wait for Christmas to be over, so much stress and distractions. I feel like I've let a lot of things fall to the wayside...Ugh.
But, I'm gonna try very hard to pop in here more often even if I have no good news to report!
Gym tomorrow? I hope so ^^
I've been working with a girl at work, she has the same name as me, same height, weight, everything. We could be twins (she's younger though). She also has depression and self-image problems. I feel like if we can both commit and push each other we could reach our goals.
I have stomach pains, been that way since October. Could be any number of things...gonna try to see a doctor sometime soon about that. Might try a gluten free diet if anything, but doctor first, I hear that it's best to check to see if you have celiac disease first before cutting out the gluten.
Can't wait for Christmas to be over, so much stress and distractions. I feel like I've let a lot of things fall to the wayside...Ugh.
But, I'm gonna try very hard to pop in here more often
even if I have no good news to report!Gym tomorrow? I hope so ^^
tetemcg
New member
Hi Loch...glad to see you are back..I just arrived back yesterday...its so easy to stay away when thinks aren't going our way. I know!! Hopefully the new year will bring everyone back with new found energy!
Your new "beau" sounds nice. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like you are off to a great start
Your new "beau" sounds nice. You deserve to be happy and it sounds like you are off to a great start
Loch
New member
Thanks Tete, you're looking great! I'm glad to be back, even though I'm not doing as well as I'd like.
Hard to really digest, looking at the scale, seeing that my weight crept back up so easily. I'm officially 216, almost 20lbs since July. Could be worse, but I feel bad that I had been in the 1's and now I've gotta do all that hard work again.
I joined the WL Challenge going on, so for the next 10 weeks it's going to be an uphill climb toward success. I could be 186lb by then, that would be an amazing feeling. 180 would be even better.
My new boyfriend is amazing to me, but I find it hard when we go out to eat. I like to eat, and he likes to enable me. I have to learn to say no to the cheesecake and eat healthy things. That, or we'll need to stay in more. It's just hard with the kids. I've never been in a relationship like this.
That's it for now, I hope that this challenge goes well and I lose this weight. Once summer comes I'm gonna get so active!
Ate Today:
Bagel w/ cream cheese - 400
Orange - 50
Cookies - 150
Ham sticks x2 - 100
Apple Jello Snack - 90
Ham sandwich - 200
Spaghetti with sauce - 400
Eggs x3 = 200
= 1590
Exercised for an hour today at the gym, using the elliptical trainer and the treadmill. Only burned about 300 calories, not my best, but I'm proud that I went at all.
Hard to really digest, looking at the scale, seeing that my weight crept back up so easily. I'm officially 216, almost 20lbs since July. Could be worse, but I feel bad that I had been in the 1's and now I've gotta do all that hard work again.
I joined the WL Challenge going on, so for the next 10 weeks it's going to be an uphill climb toward success. I could be 186lb by then, that would be an amazing feeling. 180 would be even better
.My new boyfriend is amazing to me, but I find it hard when we go out to eat. I like to eat, and he likes to enable me. I have to learn to say no to the cheesecake and eat healthy things. That, or we'll need to stay in more. It's just hard with the kids. I've never been in a relationship like this.
That's it for now, I hope that this challenge goes well and I lose this weight. Once summer comes I'm gonna get so active!
Ate Today:
Bagel w/ cream cheese - 400
Orange - 50
Cookies - 150
Ham sticks x2 - 100
Apple Jello Snack - 90
Ham sandwich - 200
Spaghetti with sauce - 400
Eggs x3 = 200
= 1590
Exercised for an hour today at the gym, using the elliptical trainer and the treadmill. Only burned about 300 calories, not my best, but I'm proud that I went at all.
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MrVee
New member
Good luck on the challenge. Keep your chin up and keep working at it.
Try offering to split the cheesecake with him when out, or other such things. I dunno. You could always try and emulate what kids do and mash your food up into pieces to make it look like you've eaten more than you really have.
Try offering to split the cheesecake with him when out, or other such things. I dunno. You could always try and emulate what kids do and mash your food up into pieces to make it look like you've eaten more than you really have.
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