Taking Back Control (A Diary)

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Loch!


Love the new profile pic! *whistles* James is a very fortunate fella!
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You look beautiful!
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Oh, oh! And approaching One-derland as well?! Spectacular! :biggrin:


You're the second person I've congratulated today on that upcoming accomplishment! What an exciting time on the forums!


I wish you nothing but the best and good luck this Saturday on reaching that amazing milestone! :hurray:


Let us know how it goes!
 
Ahh Loch, Im' so pleased to hear you've found someone that makes you feel good about yourself, as you should! You're looking really happy and healthy in your avatar piccy, and you seem a whole lot happier in your posts in general as well! I'm genuinely chuffed to bits for you. :)

As for the birth control.. hum. Well, it's probably better to deal with a slight weight gain than a baby! The one I'm on is the implant - goes under the skin of the arm, lasts 3 years. I haven't had any weight gain on it, and as a bonus, I'm one of the lucky few who rarely has periods with it either. Haha, I LOVE IT. But on the other side, I've read some women bleed for several months after having it put in, and have a hellish time with it.


So, in short - go chat to your Dr! Give him some background about the Depo shot, and he'll hopefully be able to advise you, as you've said.. but be prepared for a bit of bloating/gain as you settle in. It'll be water weight unless you go nuts on the chocolate, but, honestly, better to deal with that than the traumas of getting pregnant when you're not ready. Nothing you don't already know!


Again, congratulations on your weight loss so far, and your more obvious enjoyment of life! Hot chicka!
 
AThanks guys :) and good to hear from you again Sarah! I know I refuse to get the implant again, that thing hurt way too much and scared me to be honest. I'll just give the injection a go, and then switch to pills in three months if things are still good with James. I'll be very careful what I eat and drink, and consider all gains as water weight :). I mean really, it's not like the shot has calories in it lol, I just have to monitor what I eat, it makes sense ^^!

I ate kind of bad yesterday, had a big breakfast (normally I only have an apple or something, ended up with a breakfast sandwich + hash brown) by the time I left work I was at least at 1200, and then James and I went and had pasta, I'll just have to consider it a cheat day.

I'm dead tired, and overreacting over stupid crap. I've been sleeping over at James' place, and he works early, so we have to get up at 7. Problem is that we tend to stay up late even if we're tired. He even said he was tired, but he didn't want to go to bed at 11pm, so being the people pleaser I am, I stayed up and we watched television. Over a week of only getting 4-5 hours of sleep is killing me! To top it off, he's nearly been late for work because of this. So today - although I completely understand his reasons - he all but kicked me out and shoved a $20.00 into my hand. I just couldn't help but feel like a booty call, I ended up walking home because I wanted to sort through my feelings, and I had my headphones for my music anyway so that was good. At least I got a bit of exercise (40min walk). I hate taking a cab, waste of money.

James and I talk a lot, but we also spend so much time in the bedroom. I feel like...we're close but we're not. I'm at that point where my feelings are getting involved. It's hard because, right now, I find myself unable to call him my boyfriend. We did kind of say that we were exclusive but...I'm still not feeling that we are, if that makes any sense? I'm just rambling.

I'm thinking of telling him that maybe I should start sleeping at him. He's a very touchy-feely kind of guy, he likes to be close to someone, but this lack of sleep is horrid. I also don't like feeling like I'm the reason he's late for work, or being kicked out like that. Again, I understand that he needed to get to work and couldn't drive me home, but maybe we could go to bed early...ugh.

Anyway, rant aside, I haven't had my cough in a few days! I'm gonna catch up on sleep (get tomorrow off, yay) and then start a routine with the gym. Fun times.
 
AJust a small update. Was at 203 exactly today, looking good!

From my facebook:

For the last 9 years I've held onto a couple pairs of jeans that were relatively new. Shortly after my 16th birthday I began to gain weight and, because of that, I could no longer fit those jeans - until today. I put a pair of those jeans on (size 17) and I was able to zip and button them up. I feel incredibly proud because of how far I've come since last July. I may not have hit my goals, but losing almost 50 lbs in 8 months is something I never thought possible for me.

It's been so long since I've been this weight. I'm so happy.
 
AJust took some new pictures, thought I'd share :).

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I can't decide how I like my hair lol. Oh well!
 
Such a difference in the pictures of before and after!! You look so much smaller, younger and healthier:):) You have such a pretty face:) I love the colour of your lipgloss:) Also you look so much happier in these pictures than you did before:)


So happy for ya Loch!! Keep up the hard work hun xx
 
AThanks Irish :). I actually don't wear lip gloss or lipstick, I hate how icky it makes my lips feel lol.
 
haha, obviously lucky enough to have that natural flush to your lips then! You're looking really well darl, there's a HUGE difference in the pics you posted at the start of this thread! You'll have to go find those clothes and add another to your first page for a PROPER comparison! (And you look good with both your hair up AND down!)


Good on you. You have GORGEOUS eyes too, btw! You little fox!
 
Hi there loch, I have been reading your journal and first of all I'd like to say WELL FRIGGIN DONE!


Total inspiration fest you are! :D


I thought I'd post to comment on your hair as I am a hairdresser and u mentioned you didn't know how u like it :) I am currently growing mine back to how I had it as a teenager its a nightmare!! Your hair looks so healthy and silky soft! very jealous!


There are loads of vids on youtube about hair I'd go have a look for some inspiration and tips on different ways to style it see what you like :) I think a fresh new do would be a lovely treat for your absolutely fantastic accomplishments!


Tips on finding the hairdresser of your dreams: go to a place that has a good standing in the community, been around for years and has a wide variety of clients. Get a recommendation from someone with similar tastes/hair type to you, and I would avoid a chain salon, as they can be pretty conveyor belt like places :) if the stylist in question doesn't spend at least 5-10 mins chatting to you about what you want, get out of there! Also bring a picture of something you like. Go for a small change first, nothing too radical, so the stylist can get to know your hair. Ask how long they have been doing hairdressing for, 4 years plus means they are probably good at their job and have enough return custom to keep at it. Ask them how long they have worked in their current salon, you want someone who has stayed in at least one salon for more that 2 years. Also, if you like their hair, chances are you will like what they can do for you. You do not want too much of an age gap between you and your stylist, 10 years max, you are more likely have similar style ideas. Ask her for tips on which brushes to use at home, products that suit your hair type, and shampoo/conditioner types. Do NOT feel pressured into purchasing in salon, it is expensive. they may recommend you something but will understand if u politely turn them down :) only do that if u feel like a treat. It is the type of product that is important, not necessarily the brand.


Hope this helps, I love any excuse to talk about hair, can you tell? haha.


Claire xx
 
AYou look great Loch...you have that little "pixie" look I love!! CONGRATS on the the jeans! You are so close to than ONE! ..I know it feels great ....good for you!!
 
AThanks guys!

Claire,

I don't even know how to do my hair lol, I was never much of a girl growing up. I find it hard getting my hair right. I've gone to many hairstyle places, had my hair blonde, red, black, streaked, short, long, you name it. I was happy with this short cut, but I think I'm due it to grow out again. I'm also debating getting it dyed again...just not sure what color. I like red, however, red doesn't last long. On the other hand, when it comes to getting my hair done, I just don't care enough to shop around for a stylist lol. I just go in, ask them what they think, and I'm usually happy when I leave.

I've been feeling sick lately (probably from these pills I'm taking). Hopefully I feel better soon, I hate having an upset stomach.

I need to get back to the gym, but, all my time has been spent with James. I think I may need to bring up the idea of going to the gym with him, or, maybe we could go biking together.

We're going to a concert on the 5th, he invited me, since I'd never been to one (Opeth). He mentioned the other night that he's going to Iron Maiden in June, and making a weekend out of it because he's spending time with his best friend. He wants me to go, but if we buy another ticket now chances are we won't be next to each other. He said he's going to look into it, but, I told him not too worry if it's too much hassle.

My weight went up, but I've been retaining. It went down again to 203 today. Hopefully on Saturday I'll have another loss.
 
AHope your tummy settles down...I know down here on the east coast there is a nasty flu/stomach bug going around...hopefully it didn't make its way north.

Sending good vibes for positive weight in!! :) :) ...you are gonna be in the ones before you know it...just keep on doing what you do...it will happen!!
 
:iagree: totes agree with Tete, you will be in the 100's so soon, major jealous, but you so deserve it:):)



Hope the stomach bug goes away soon, it is awful, had it 3 times so far this year.


best of luck doll xx
 
AI had a bad day yesterday...

Being in a new relationship can be good, but after a while, you suffer the typical "comfort" phase of the relationship. You start feeling more comfortable around this new person in your life, you start eating more, and enjoying each others' company without considering what you're stuffing into your face. All I want to do is lounge around eating chips and playing video games with him. Instead of eating small meals when we go out, I think, hey I want to spoil myself and he makes me happy, so I'm going to just do it, and I end up eating more than I should...

I have so many body issues, so many self-loathing problems. I know I need to talk to someone about it.

James and I were going to go for a bike ride, but I needed to go to a clinic first because my arm has been getting a sharp pain in it. The wait was going to be a while, so I told him to go for a bike ride without me. I was a little sad, but I got over it. The doctor didn't seem to give a crap, barely even looked at me, before telling me I probably sprained my arm and there's nothing I can do. So I was a little upset, headed home. I felt angry over a lot of things. My mood gets triggered by such small ordeals and it tends to plummet from there. I felt guilty over eating so much for lunch with James, especially when he looks so fit, and he is so active and something he said the other day bothered me...

He's 5'11" and although I don't know his weight, he wears a Large t-shirt and barely has any fat on him. Yet he thinks that he's not attractive. I said to him "Did someone ever tell you that you weren't?" like an ex-girlfriend. He said yes, and no. He said something along the lines of having liked or cared for certain girls who didn't feel like he was good enough. It made me believe that if he did get to his ideal body-image he would go after those girls, that he wants to lose weight so as to raise the bar and find someone that's better than me. That's just how my mind works. I immediately shut down, and now it's even harder to look in the mirror. I mean, that isn't to say he would leave me...he obviously finds me attractive, and he likes me, but that fear of him leaving me for the next best thing will always be on my mind.

When I got home I stared at myself naked in the mirror, began to cry. Stupid...but I hate myself. I know I've come a long way, and I know that I have no reason to think this way or do these things, but some days my emotions get so low and I feel so messed up. I wish I could just stay happy all the time, instead, I go up and down.

I want to go to the gym but I'm tired...James and I have spent almost every night together for 3 weeks. I'm finding it hard to say no to him, to say that I want to go home and sleep. He starts ball hockey next week so maybe then we'll sleep more. I'm always bored without him...I hate that. Everything changed.

Anyway...only 300 calories, maybe, today...working alone. I'll grab a sandwich once my co-worker arrives.

Sorry it's such a downer update, I don't really have anywhere else I can vent.
 
ASorry you had such a bad day LOCH!! you know it will be ok.....it always does somehow...that is why life is a wonderful thing...never the same day twice!!

And don't worry we all have body issues..there isn't much I like about my own body...but I do know that I like the skinnier version than the heavier version.

Try to find something NON SCALE related and celebrate it...like your adorable nose!! or your great skin....you a special girl and you deserve to be happy!!

You will find balance...it will take time...hang in there!! :) :) :)
 
:(


Hang in there, Loch.


I've done my fair share of staring at the mirror while naked and feeling like tearing up.


It's difficult, but just know that the path you're on is absolutely the best one to provide you with the happiness you deserve. Do NOT give up!


I know quite a bit about self-loathing. It'll pass in time. Just keep your focus and allow others into your lives that will provide you with the confidence that will help you overcome these issues.


I honestly thought it was hopeless to ever be intimate with someone without them running out of the room screaming, but if the person you're with is worthy of you, then it can and will work.


This fella you're with sounds like a good guy! Even if you feel bored without him, maybe that's not such a bad thing? He sounds like he has some good energy and it might be beneficial for you in terms of your regimen :)


But yeah, I understand the hesitation. It's good to have your own alone time and not be burdened by the fact that you're not with somebody else.


Just give it time :) It'll work out. Above anything else, the most important thing is your health! Keep going strong and continue to be mindful of your own needs! You'll always have us here to lean on whenever you need, Loch :)


Absolutely loving your new pics, btw! =) You look amazing, Loch!!! :)
 
Ah Loch.. I can understand why you're worried, but honestly, you've read way too much into it.. I genuinely do not think he meant it in the way you took it. Try asking him about it - and explain how it made you feel.

"He said something along the lines of having liked or cared for certain girls who didn't feel like he was good enough."
That doesn't sound anything LIKE how you've taken it. It sounds more like he meant it that he dated women who made him feel like shit about himself - that he wasn't good enough for them. But, with you, he's happy and wants to improve himself for HIMSELF, not for someone else - which is really how everyone should be feeling.


I hope you've had a better week since. You've come so far and you're looking absolutely gorgeous. Be proud of yourself.

x
 
Don't even listen to simplysimon Loch. While it may sound good to lose weight quickly, slow and steady is best as it gives us the best chance to keep it off.


As for how you're feeling, I definitely have the same moments. I suffer from depression and take medication daily, but sometimes, especially around my time of the month, I just enter into a really terrible misery. Every little thing can cause me to cry and I start to hate everything about myself. Just remember everyone here who supports you and wants to see you succeed! Not only here, but your boyfriend also wants to see you suceed. Try not to think that all he wants is to trim up so he can get some other girl, because it's not true! He wants to look good for himself, just like we all do! I've struggled with my weight journey a lot along the way, but the one thing that's always helped me the most has been this forum, so I really hope you come back soon!!! :)
 
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