Noregrets85
New member
Thank you Cate. It's easier for me to abstain than to limit it as well. We are strong indeed!
Starting Over
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Noregrets85
New member
Weight - 126.9
Alcohol - Zero!
Exercise - 2 miles on treadmill @ 4mph
Food:
1 hb egg and 1 egg white - 100
Small plum - 40
Few pieces grilled chicken, hummus, carrots, and pita pockets - 280
Beef jerky - 100
Dinner roll - 90
Baked chicken (100g) - 165
Stir fry veggies (mushrooms, onion, green pepper) - 50
Halotop Icecream- 200
Peanut butter biscuit - 190
Total: 1,210
I woke up exhausted this morning, not sure why. I slept fine. I'm also feeling very bloated and my weight is up .7lbs. I know fluctuations are normal, but I'm exhaustively familiar with mine and after a few days of eating good with no slip ups, it's unusual for me to be up .7. I don't think I've eaten anything terribly salty, hmm. I guess the dinner roll, peanut butter biscuit, and beef jerky are things I wouldn't normally eat but they fit into my calories so I didn't think it would be a huge deal. Very odd. I think I'll be eating salads for lunch and dinner today and tomorrow to give my stomach a little jump start on being slim for vacation since I'll likely be in a bathing suit and the last thing I want to feel is bloated! I think I'm also going to forego anything at all that's processed for the next 2 days for the same reason. It would be great to not be higher than 126 come Saturday. I was honestly hoping to be in the low 125s, but with this .1 gain not sure that will happen. We'll see.
In other news, yesterday was another alcohol free day. Definitely had the cravings yesterday as well. Battle time (in my mind) starts around 1-2pm. I'm not sure how or why I've been winning. I've wanted to severely limit my drinking for a very long time and failed many times. I wish I knew what was different about this time. Maybe I've just finally had it? I mean I know I've had it, but that's nothing extremely new. I'm not complaining, just wish I knew exactly where this strength came from so that I can properly understand. The mind is a tricky thing- maybe I should just keep on keeping on and not overthink it.
Alcohol - Zero!
Exercise - 2 miles on treadmill @ 4mph
Food:
1 hb egg and 1 egg white - 100
Small plum - 40
Few pieces grilled chicken, hummus, carrots, and pita pockets - 280
Beef jerky - 100
Dinner roll - 90
Baked chicken (100g) - 165
Stir fry veggies (mushrooms, onion, green pepper) - 50
Halotop Icecream- 200
Peanut butter biscuit - 190
Total: 1,210
I woke up exhausted this morning, not sure why. I slept fine. I'm also feeling very bloated and my weight is up .7lbs. I know fluctuations are normal, but I'm exhaustively familiar with mine and after a few days of eating good with no slip ups, it's unusual for me to be up .7. I don't think I've eaten anything terribly salty, hmm. I guess the dinner roll, peanut butter biscuit, and beef jerky are things I wouldn't normally eat but they fit into my calories so I didn't think it would be a huge deal. Very odd. I think I'll be eating salads for lunch and dinner today and tomorrow to give my stomach a little jump start on being slim for vacation since I'll likely be in a bathing suit and the last thing I want to feel is bloated! I think I'm also going to forego anything at all that's processed for the next 2 days for the same reason. It would be great to not be higher than 126 come Saturday. I was honestly hoping to be in the low 125s, but with this .1 gain not sure that will happen. We'll see.
In other news, yesterday was another alcohol free day. Definitely had the cravings yesterday as well. Battle time (in my mind) starts around 1-2pm. I'm not sure how or why I've been winning. I've wanted to severely limit my drinking for a very long time and failed many times. I wish I knew what was different about this time. Maybe I've just finally had it? I mean I know I've had it, but that's nothing extremely new. I'm not complaining, just wish I knew exactly where this strength came from so that I can properly understand. The mind is a tricky thing- maybe I should just keep on keeping on and not overthink it.
Noregrets85
New member
You could be onto something! I suppose it's a diet product because it's lower in calories that regular icecream, but the ingredients (pasted them below) don't seem TOO bad compared to some other low calorie foods. Maybe I will skip that tonight and see how I feel tomorrow. I agree though that the serious diet have the potential to screw up your stomach and cause bloating. (maybe not for everybody, but they do for me). "Crystal light" is a good example of that. I'd love to be able to drink it- but can't do it..makes me retain water like a pregnant person!
Halo Top Vanilla bean:
Milk and cream, eggs, erythritol, prebiotic fiber, milk protein concentrate, organic cane sugar, vegetable glycerin, vanilla extract, vanilla beans, sea salt, organic carob gum, organic guar gum, organic stevia.
Fiber - prebiotic or not - can cause bloating when you're not used to it in the amount you're ingesting. Erythritol is a sugar alcohol. While most people tolerate it better than maltitol or sorbitol some folks do get bloating and/or diarrhea. Guar gum is a laxative in large amounts but shouldn't cause bloating.
Cate
Long term member
It also may have been the Hummus. I had some for breakfast this morning (with sardines, on toast) & I know that I will be......let me just say a little windy later in the day. It does it every time. Jerky is also very high in salt, so it could also be fluid retention.
Well done on another alcohol-free day hon!
Well done on another alcohol-free day hon!
Noregrets85
New member
Ah, I guess it's been about a week since I last wrote. I've been feeling kind of blah and down lately. I've always suffered with depression from time to time, but it's not extreme to the point where I can't get out of bed. I still force myself to function through it and I'm not on any meds. Exercise helps (cardio).
I had 4 days off of work and I think I ate pretty good. No binges or extremely bad choices. I did eat an entire pint of Halo Top on my first day back to work, but it was only like 250 calories and fit into my allowance. I was 126.9 last time I wrote in here and this morning I weighed in at 125.5, so I've lost almost 1.5 lbs this past week.
I want to kick my weight loss and health up into high gear and try to focus on eating less meat and more clean foods. I think I already eat pretty damn healthy on average (with an unclean thing here or there), but I'd like to do even better (damn type A personality). I also want to incorporate strength training (pushups, some weight lifting, etc) into my routine in addition to my cardio. I'm going to be cancelling my gym membership because it's just not for me. I tried it and I hate it. The stereotypical muscle heads in there really irk me, the place is dirty, and I just feel really uncomfortable in general with lots of anxiety in there. It's not a problem as I'm very disciplined with working out at home. I've been waking up at 5am and doing miles on my treadmill for years now. There's plenty of ways to incorporate strength training at home.
At 125.5 I'm feeling and looking slimmer than I remember being at this weight years ago. Once I get down to 120, I may reevaluate to see how I feel and if I think it's good enough, I may switch my maintenance goal from 115 to 120. We'll see. 120 is probably fine, but I liked the idea of 115 due to fluctuations. I don't want to bounce up to 123-125 during my t.o.m. I will have to cross that bridge when I get there, have to lose 5.5 more lbs first.
That's all for now. I'm really glad it's Friday because I barely have the energy to go into work today.
I had 4 days off of work and I think I ate pretty good. No binges or extremely bad choices. I did eat an entire pint of Halo Top on my first day back to work, but it was only like 250 calories and fit into my allowance. I was 126.9 last time I wrote in here and this morning I weighed in at 125.5, so I've lost almost 1.5 lbs this past week.
I want to kick my weight loss and health up into high gear and try to focus on eating less meat and more clean foods. I think I already eat pretty damn healthy on average (with an unclean thing here or there), but I'd like to do even better (damn type A personality). I also want to incorporate strength training (pushups, some weight lifting, etc) into my routine in addition to my cardio. I'm going to be cancelling my gym membership because it's just not for me. I tried it and I hate it. The stereotypical muscle heads in there really irk me, the place is dirty, and I just feel really uncomfortable in general with lots of anxiety in there. It's not a problem as I'm very disciplined with working out at home. I've been waking up at 5am and doing miles on my treadmill for years now. There's plenty of ways to incorporate strength training at home.
At 125.5 I'm feeling and looking slimmer than I remember being at this weight years ago. Once I get down to 120, I may reevaluate to see how I feel and if I think it's good enough, I may switch my maintenance goal from 115 to 120. We'll see. 120 is probably fine, but I liked the idea of 115 due to fluctuations. I don't want to bounce up to 123-125 during my t.o.m. I will have to cross that bridge when I get there, have to lose 5.5 more lbs first.
That's all for now. I'm really glad it's Friday because I barely have the energy to go into work today.
Noregrets85
New member
Thank you Lama, appreciate the encouragement.
Feeling really down tonight, for many reasons. None easily solvable. I have so much to be thankful for and I wish I could just be content and happy with my life. Don't get me wrong, I am in many aspects, but there are things I want and can't have (at least not right now) and things that I want and may never be able to have (I'm not talking about physical possessions). Why can't I just be happy with what I do have. Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from "grass is greener syndrome"..maybe even if I got the things I wanted, I'd find new things to want. I have a loving faithful husband, a beautiful house, a very good (albeit stressful) job, very financially stable, I have 3 of the best most living dogs in the world that fill my heart with joy, I wake up every morning pain free (physical pain at least), I have plenty of food and fresh water- why can't all of this be enough for me?
There are so many people that have it way worse. I wish I could flip a switch and just be happy, content, and thankful 24/7. I wonder if I have some sort of chemical imbalance that causes me to get mopy and wistful like this. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and I am logically aware of that. I guess in addition to my weight loss goals, I am going to set some goals to be happy and grateful every day. If I catch myself feeling down, I will try to force myself out of it by reminding myself of all the reasons to be happy.
I ate like absolute crap this weekend and I'm sure the scale will show it tomorrow. I was 126.2 this morning and I'll probably be up 1-2 lbs. I will start fresh tomorrow, both mentally and physically. Tonight I will allow myself to get the last of the depression and sad eating out of my system. I plan to go to sleep early and get a good nights sleep so that I can hit the ground running tomorrow.
Feeling really down tonight, for many reasons. None easily solvable. I have so much to be thankful for and I wish I could just be content and happy with my life. Don't get me wrong, I am in many aspects, but there are things I want and can't have (at least not right now) and things that I want and may never be able to have (I'm not talking about physical possessions). Why can't I just be happy with what I do have. Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from "grass is greener syndrome"..maybe even if I got the things I wanted, I'd find new things to want. I have a loving faithful husband, a beautiful house, a very good (albeit stressful) job, very financially stable, I have 3 of the best most living dogs in the world that fill my heart with joy, I wake up every morning pain free (physical pain at least), I have plenty of food and fresh water- why can't all of this be enough for me?
There are so many people that have it way worse. I wish I could flip a switch and just be happy, content, and thankful 24/7. I wonder if I have some sort of chemical imbalance that causes me to get mopy and wistful like this. Nothing is ever going to be perfect and I am logically aware of that. I guess in addition to my weight loss goals, I am going to set some goals to be happy and grateful every day. If I catch myself feeling down, I will try to force myself out of it by reminding myself of all the reasons to be happy.
I ate like absolute crap this weekend and I'm sure the scale will show it tomorrow. I was 126.2 this morning and I'll probably be up 1-2 lbs. I will start fresh tomorrow, both mentally and physically. Tonight I will allow myself to get the last of the depression and sad eating out of my system. I plan to go to sleep early and get a good nights sleep so that I can hit the ground running tomorrow.
a) Our culture tells us to always want more than our neighbors and never be satisfied.
b) Our nature tries to use discontent to push us forward sometimes.
c)
Depression isn´t reasonable or logical. There are several things we can do to alleviate light depression a bit (you know: healthy eating and exercise and such) but wishing it away by telling yourself you have it fine doesn´t work.
Hope you sleep well and feel better.
Noregrets85
New member
Interesting points, Lama. I would have to agree. It may be time to look into getting on a light dose of an antidepressant- I hate to do it because I feel like I should instead be changing the things in my life that are making me depressed. Fixing the actual problem(s) instead of taking a pill so I care less about them. Issue is, if it's chemical and I make a big change like moving to another state (something I've been dying to do and part of my unhappiness), then what's to say I won't just find something else to be unhappy about. The mind is a tricky thing.
Before jumping to a pill, I feel like I need to do a few things like find a hobby, spend more time with family, and make myself get out there and start living more. I need to feel like I've exhausted all measures to fix this myself before the pill route. And those 3 things are things I can do at no risk of really screwing up (unlike moving). Lot of thoughts for 5:18 am! Thanks for your continued support Lama.
If you have the energy and executive function needed to make those changes: awesome, go for it! If not that might be another sign of depression. Whatever it is, I´m glad you´re taking it seriously and taking care of yourself. You´ve got this.
Cate
Long term member
I am fighting the same idea that accepting medical intervention for low-level depression is a sign of weakness or failure. If I was diabetic & needed insulin, would I have that same thought? I think not. I know that it is a chemical imbalance & I have started on a low-dose AD (20mg). This time I'm going to stick with it. I do wish that we all (myself included) could see mental illness as we do every other illness. 
Noregrets85
New member
Hi Cate, glad to hear you are taking steps to do something about it. I don't necessarily think medical intervention for low level is weakness or failure. There's nothing wrong with accepting help when you need it. I would just like to be able to say "I tried everything natural" before I get on meds. But even with low level, for some people (myself included lately), the down feeling stops them from doing the things that could cheer them up (I'm sure you get that). So it's a catch 22. Regardless I'm still trying for now and if things don't improve soon, or they get worse, I too will be seeking out a small dose of something to help me see the light again. Thanks for stopping by and hope you have a good day.I am fighting the same idea that accepting medical intervention for low-level depression is a sign of weakness or failure. If I was diabetic & needed insulin, would I have that same thought? I think not. I know that it is a chemical imbalance & I have started on a low-dose AD (20mg). This time I'm going to stick with it. I do wish that we all (myself included) could see mental illness as we do every other illness.
Noregrets85
New member
I'm trying. Thank you Lama.
Sunflower_
Well-known member
I think you are doing such a good job - you have amazed me with your drinking! You should be proud xx
Noregrets85
New member
Thank you Sunflower for the encouragement. I was doing well for a while. Not so much currently though.
Noregrets85
New member
So I've been sucking at life and sucking at dieting. This depression slump seems worse than normal this time and kind of came to a head yesterday. Yesterday I started crying at work because I was so overwhelmed and I decided to go home early at 11am. I stopped at Mcdonalds on the way home and bought a cheese burger and french frys (I NEVER eat things like that, not even during my old binges) and I stopped at the liquor store and bought two 50 ml mini bottles of vodka. I chugged the vodka and ate the food when I got home. Then I ate more food. And more food. Then I drank a large glass of wine, I got in bed around noon, cried again for a few minutes and then slept for 5 glorious hours.
Besides the yuckiness from the alcohol and fast food, I felt better when I woke up. I sat in bed for a while telling myself that I need to do better than this. I need to be thankful for my job. Find a way to manage the stress. Reminded myself that it would be a lot more stressful if I didn't have a job and couldn't contribute to our mortgage (although I'm not entirely sure that's true at this point). Had a long pep talk with myself and it seemed to have worked because I got up and cleaned the whole house, vaccuumed, mopped the floors. Then I cleaned out some drawers and the fridge and did some organizing and laundry. Then I got out my work laptop and logged on and caught up on the things I missed after I left. I started to feel a bit better. Stayed up later than normal watching tv with my husband and couldn't fall asleep when it was finally time. Probably from the caffeine I had during my binge.
So here I am, awake and ready to give today another shot. Oh, and I'm 130.2 lbs this morning. I had gotten down to 125.....so I've gained 5lbs in the past week. I am not at all surprised or confused. I've been eating whatever I want for a solid week. I've also been drinking alcohol again during the week. Not a lot- not nearly as much as I was- but I've been drinking.
Today and going forward I will:
1. Go to work and be thankful for my job. Give it my all which means not letting the stress get the best of me. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I will step away from my desk, go for a walk, etc. Remind myself that as long as I'm doing my very best, that should be enough.
2. Stop drinking alcohol during the week again. No alcohol until Saturday.
3. Restart my diet and quest to 115-120 lbs. No more snacking. No more bad choices. No more binging. Get in complete control again. I can't believe I'm back at 130 and my skin looks awful right now from all the crap food.
4. Be grateful for the little things
5. Realize how much worse life could be
6. Make the best of everything
7. Keep an accurate food log through out the day and write in this journal every night with my food/weight.
8. Try to see my mom once per week
9. Exercise daily
10. Try to take my dogs to the park after work. It will be good for both me and them.
11. Drink my water
That's all for now.
Besides the yuckiness from the alcohol and fast food, I felt better when I woke up. I sat in bed for a while telling myself that I need to do better than this. I need to be thankful for my job. Find a way to manage the stress. Reminded myself that it would be a lot more stressful if I didn't have a job and couldn't contribute to our mortgage (although I'm not entirely sure that's true at this point). Had a long pep talk with myself and it seemed to have worked because I got up and cleaned the whole house, vaccuumed, mopped the floors. Then I cleaned out some drawers and the fridge and did some organizing and laundry. Then I got out my work laptop and logged on and caught up on the things I missed after I left. I started to feel a bit better. Stayed up later than normal watching tv with my husband and couldn't fall asleep when it was finally time. Probably from the caffeine I had during my binge.
So here I am, awake and ready to give today another shot. Oh, and I'm 130.2 lbs this morning. I had gotten down to 125.....so I've gained 5lbs in the past week. I am not at all surprised or confused. I've been eating whatever I want for a solid week. I've also been drinking alcohol again during the week. Not a lot- not nearly as much as I was- but I've been drinking.
Today and going forward I will:
1. Go to work and be thankful for my job. Give it my all which means not letting the stress get the best of me. If I'm feeling overwhelmed, I will step away from my desk, go for a walk, etc. Remind myself that as long as I'm doing my very best, that should be enough.
2. Stop drinking alcohol during the week again. No alcohol until Saturday.
3. Restart my diet and quest to 115-120 lbs. No more snacking. No more bad choices. No more binging. Get in complete control again. I can't believe I'm back at 130 and my skin looks awful right now from all the crap food.
4. Be grateful for the little things
5. Realize how much worse life could be
6. Make the best of everything
7. Keep an accurate food log through out the day and write in this journal every night with my food/weight.
8. Try to see my mom once per week
9. Exercise daily
10. Try to take my dogs to the park after work. It will be good for both me and them.
11. Drink my water
That's all for now.
First off: at least half of those five pounds are water weight. Second: you don't suck at life, life was hard on you so you had to grab for resources you don't normally need to be able to cope. No matter if the hard part happened inside your brain: it's still hard! And unlike an unkind coworker you can leave behind after work you take your brain home with you so the hard is there 24/7. I hope you can find it in yourself to be kind and understanding to yourself because punishment consistently proves ineffective in the long run. Sending you a whole box of hugs in case you have a need for them
Cate
Long term member
Oh, honey, you SO do not suck at life. Sometimes it all just does feel difficult. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Sometimes we need some extra self-care, rather than self-punishment.
As LaMa said half of that will be water weight. Get back on track & drink lots of water & you'll soon fix it.
Lots of hugs sweets xoxo
As LaMa said half of that will be water weight. Get back on track & drink lots of water & you'll soon fix it.
Lots of hugs sweets xoxo
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