Starting Over

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Day 6 - 127.2 lbs

I can't tell you how excited I am to see that number. I haven't seen 127 in nearly a year. I've been so good this week food wise and it's definitely paying off

Exercise: 2 miles @ 4 mph

Food
Grapefruit - 50
Hb egg -70
Salad (lettuce, salmon, avocado, balsamic dressing) - 355
Hb egg - 70
3 turkey sausage - 135
Chicken breast (150g) - 250
2 cups mushrooms - 50
4 shots vodka - 400
Total= 1380 calories
 
Friday 5/26
My food is posted above, but you can add a few more drinks to that after the entry. I had way too much to drink and got into a big fight with my husband (it was all my fault). After going to sleep feeling guilty and nauseous, I vowed to really put everything I got into slowing down on the drinking.

Saturday 5/27
I in at 126.3. I feel like that is not an accurate weight. I was probably dehydrated from all the alcohol. Conversely, today (Sunday) I am probably up a few pounds from re-hydrating and eating a decent day's worth of food on Saturday. Saturday morning, we made up and had a great day out at the casino. The casino is a place where everyone is drinking and it's really just an alcohol fueled environment. However, I managed to not drink! I didn't even have 1 single drink all day yesterday. Super proud of myself. Although I managed to close yesterday out with a respectable amount of food, I actually had my yogurt in the morning around 11am and didn't eat anything else until getting home from the casino at nearly 6pm! Reason being, all they had at the casino was pure garbage. Being hungover, you can bet I was tempted to just eat a hot dog or a slice of pizza, but I didn't. I know it wasn't good to go all day without eating, but I made up for it as soon as I got home. I will probably weigh in today after I go for a long run at the park.

I will say that yesterday at the casino, I started to feel sexy again for the first time in a while. My clothes are fitting better with less bulge and I actually looked in the mirror and thought I looked pretty skinny. I haven't thought that in a while. It's a great feeling. I also feel more comfortable just like sitting down, etc. At 132, I had this stomach roll when I sat down that was really uncomfortable. I don't know, just noticing small changes. It's crazy how I literally felt in a more pleasant mood yesterday than when normally out simply because I felt skinnier. It's just how I am. Being comfortable in my skin makes me feel good.

Saturday 5/27
Exercise - 1 mile on treadmill at 4mph

Food:
Yogurt with banana clusters - 180
Goldfish - 100
1 HB egg - 70
1/2 cup cottage cheese - 90
Salad (Salmon, capers, cucumber, onion) - 360
5 grilled chicken nuggets - 260
1 cup halo top chocolate chip cookie dough (so good!) - 180
A LOT of water and sprite zero - 0

Not sure what we're doing today. There was talk of fishing at the pier. If that were the case, I'd probably sit on the beach and read a book. I'd really love to get my nails done today. I had an appt to get them done on Friday, but I had to stay 3 hours late at work and missed the appt (man Friday was a miserable day in general). Anyway, taking this 1 day at a time with the alcohol/food. I've lost 5 pounds in the last week. I think that's pretty amazing for someone who wasn't very large to begin with. Oh, last thing- if you've never tried Halo Top icecream, you really need to. It's amazing- tastes just like regular ice cream and it's less than half the calories! The chocolate chip cookie dough I bought last night has 360 calories in an entire PINT. Oh god, it's so good. That's all for now folks.
 
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Noregrets85 said:
Friday 5/26
My food is posted above, but you can add a few more drinks to that after the entry. I had way too much to drink and got into a big fight with my husband (it was all my fault). After going to sleep feeling guilty and nauseous, I vowed to really put everything I got into slowing down on the drinking.
Click to expand...

Keep at it. Even if you stumble one day, start again the next, just like you would with binge eating, jump back on the horse asap and don't beat yourself up about it.
 
olz said:
Keep at it. Even if you stumble one day, start again the next, just like you would with binge eating, jump back on the horse asap and don't beat yourself up about it.
Click to expand...
Thank you Olz. I managed an alcohol free day yesterday! The guilt from how I acted on Friday is still strong in my mind. I need to find a way to remember that every time I want a drink. Maybe I will write the whole scenario down and read it when I get cravings or something. I don't know.
 
Noregrets85 said:
Thank you Olz. I managed an alcohol free day yesterday! The guilt from how I acted on Friday is still strong in my mind. I need to find a way to remember that every time I want a drink. Maybe I will write the whole scenario down and read it when I get cravings or something. I don't know.
Click to expand...

You need a goal to move towards and a danger to run from, in other words - something worth sacrificing the comfort blanket for. What i think is powerful to do is visualise the worst case scenario if i carry on a self destructive behaviour and really try to feel the emotion behind it then visualise the best case scenario if i stop the behaviour and feel that too, use positive and negative to push me forward. Most people try to avoid thinking about that sort of stuff unless they're forced to because it's difficult. 5 minutes a day to really meditate on both scenarios and internalise them could really get the future focused, hopefully. That was my incredibly long winded way of saying, yeah writing it down could help you i think.
 
olz said:
You need a goal to move towards and a danger to run from, in other words - something worth sacrificing the comfort blanket for. What i think is powerful to do is visualise the worst case scenario if i carry on a self destructive behaviour and really try to feel the emotion behind it then visualise the best case scenario if i stop the behaviour and feel that too, use positive and negative to push me forward. Most people try to avoid thinking about that sort of stuff unless they're forced to because it's difficult. 5 minutes a day to really meditate on both scenarios and internalise them could really get the future focused, hopefully. That was my incredibly long winded way of saying, yeah writing it down could help you i think.
Click to expand...
That is very insightful advice. Thank you.
 
Hi guys. It's been a little bit since I updated. I've just been busy with... life I guess. Currently on vacation- just got here. Weighed in at 128 this morning. Was hoping to be 125 max by today, but hey shit happens. I had zero drinks yesterday and the day before, so that's a win. Zero today until right now at 6pm as well. Just cracking open my first wine actually. Proud of myself.

Food has been ok. Not terrible. I had a bit too much over the 3 day memorial weekend. Had been down to 126, then up to 129, now back to 128 and I hope to keep the trend going downward.

I ran 2 miles on the treadmill today before we hit the road for vacation. We also went for a bike ride when we got here. My husband and I bought an RV earlier this year (our first one). We've enjoyed a few close to home trips in it, but this trip is our first one a good distance from home (5 hours). We're currently at a campground called Devil's Den in Williston Florida. You have to google it. We're here for 5 nights and I think we are waiting until Monday to snorkel in the den because from what I understand, it's less crowded then. It's breath takingly gorgeous. Of course our 3 children (rescue dogs- no kids here) are here with us too. Just finally kicking back after a somewhat stressful day of driving and setting up the RV on it's spot.

I plan to try to stay within 1300-1400 calories per day even though I'm on vacation. I definitely don't want to gain weight or let my goals fall by the waste side. I'm about 4lbs down from 132 where I started a couple weeks ago. So far today, for breakfast I had yogurt with cashews (200), for a snack I had 1 serving of pringles (150) and I'm nursing 1 mini bottle of wine (150). For dinner, we are grilling chicken wings and I bought ingredients to make a salad (lettuce, avocado, apple, and low cal balsamic vinaigrette). Should be a good day as long as I don't drink all the wine. I am on vacation after all :). Oh, we also went for a bike ride to explore when we first got here. Anyway, I'll update more tomorrow.
 
Noregrets85 said:
Hi guys. Giving this another shot with a new diary because the last one really didn't go so well. I struggle with emotional eating and consuming too much alcohol. Are these posts editable? If so, can someone please tell me how to do it? I couldn't figure it out on the last diary.

Stats:
Height: 5'3.5
Starting weight 5/20/17: 132 lbs
Goal weight: 115 lbs

I'm going grocery shopping later today where I will buy healthy meals for the week. I'll prepare everything later so that I'm all set for success. All I have to do is make good choices, which is a huge battle for me. I guess I'm going to take this 1 day at a time and just try to stick to my guns for 1 whole day at a time. By that, I mean I will know my food plan for the day ahead of time. I just need to stick with it and not cheat, over eat.

Yesterday was a terrible day. I wrote in here and I was only at about 1200 calories at 5pm, but then I had another vodka drink, a glass of red wine, taco bell, an egg sandwich...yeah, insane! It was a full on binge. Today I'm determined to start fresh and have a good day. Once I finish this entry, I'm going to the park to walk 3 miles. I can do this!
Click to expand...

It's good that you haven't given up. You identified the last plan hadn't worked out and decided to start again.

I think for me you need to avoid having the temptations around you; if you live with other people (e.g. you have a family) and they aren't supportive of your choices than this can be extremely hard. As I mention briefly in my diary (going home can always has a negative impact on my progress).

If you do have the power and control over what is in your house - don't buy any quick and easy binge / junk food.

P.S. you can only edit your post for the 15 minutes; i think this is a bit silly for this kind of forum - i'd like to go back and update the first post of my diary on the odd occasion but can't.

olz said:
You need a goal to move towards and a danger to run from, in other words - something worth sacrificing the comfort blanket for. What i think is powerful to do is visualise the worst case scenario if i carry on a self destructive behaviour and really try to feel the emotion behind it then visualise the best case scenario if i stop the behaviour and feel that too, use positive and negative to push me forward. Most people try to avoid thinking about that sort of stuff unless they're forced to because it's difficult. 5 minutes a day to really meditate on both scenarios and internalise them could really get the future focused, hopefully. That was my incredibly long winded way of saying, yeah writing it down could help you i think.
Click to expand...

Interesting comment; i tried to meditate once before but it never caught on. I'm surrounded by too much noise and distraction - especially being in the tech industry i'm always sat at my desk or sat with a laptop onto of me. It feels like I don't have the space to peacefully meditate.

Being in the center of London makes this hard; the noise around me makes it difficult for me to focus. Do you have any tips / advice on how to successfully meditate; what kind of things to do (physically and mentally)?

We can take this into PMs if you would like - don't want to hijack this thread!

Ryan
 
Good morning! So, I just realized that I left my scale at home and I'm kind of freaked out. So I have no idea how much I weigh today. I know I sound a little obsessive. I've always been this way. It is what it is. I guess I will just eat as healthy as possible and hope for the best. I think part of the reason I didn't balloon up to be way larger even when I was bingeing was because I weighed myself daily and if that number started creeping up too high, I always made sure to get it under control. Don't get me wrong, I have gained weight, but it hasn't been a huge amount in a small period of time, and even at my highest weight (132), I wasn't "overweight." When I got married I was 115-120 lbs, so I gained about 10-15lbs over 7 years, which I don't think is terrible. And now I'm trying to get back to where I was. Anyway point in case, I'm upset that I left my scale at home.

Today we're going kayaking at Manatee Springs state park, so there will be a lot of exercise. I don't think yesterday's food was too awful for vacation and being in an RV. I normally never eat chips, but yesterday I did.

Yesterday's Food:
Greek Yogurt- 200
Pringles (1 serving) - 150
Misc other chips - 150
Lettuce - 20
Avocado (1/2) - 80
Apple (1/4) - 30
Balsamic vinaigrette (2 servings) - 100
5 Grilled chicken wings (no sauce) - 400
3 mini bottles of chardonnay - 450
Total: 1,580

Yikes! The wine really put me way over where I wanted to be. I will have to do better today. I'm on vacation, so there will be drinking. Maybe today I'll make it vodka instead of wine. 3 shots of vodka are only about 210 calories, compared to 450 for 3 chardonnays.
 
Noregrets85 said:
just realized that I left my scale at home and I'm kind of freaked out.
Click to expand...
If your near a mall most of them have a large nutrition store. Most of them have a scale. Normally it cost .50 or 1.00
If you find a scale your numbers may not match up. I have never found 2 that can agree. But... Its an option
 
lrat said:
Interesting comment; i tried to meditate once before but it never caught on. I'm surrounded by too much noise and distraction - especially being in the tech industry i'm always sat at my desk or sat with a laptop onto of me. It feels like I don't have the space to peacefully meditate.

Being in the center of London makes this hard; the noise around me makes it difficult for me to focus. Do you have any tips / advice on how to successfully meditate; what kind of things to do (physically and mentally)?

We can take this into PMs if you would like - don't want to hijack this thread!

Ryan
Click to expand...

I'll try and sum it up in one post for anyone interested so i don't spam up noregrets thread.

In this case i didn't mean literally meditate in a formal way (although you could). In this context I'm just saying to focus on something for a few minutes each day, think deeply on it and hopefully it concretes in your brain as a motivational/emotional "anchor". However,

If you focus as much of your attention on a spot on the wall as you can or focus on your breath for as long as you can or focus on positive thoughts for others, it's all the same thing, it's all exerting your ability to focus in the present moment until it becomes stronger - you can see in the brains of experienced meditators that the main part of the brain that has changed in activity and structure is related to focus (and empathy depending on the type of meditation). If you can train yourself to focus your thoughts intensely enough then you can get into a deeper flow state or in other words "into the zone" which is hugely beneficial for things like performance and the speed that you can learn.

There is no "success" with meditation, in the way there's no success with a single work out. You focus on something regardless if there's noise or whatever around you, the next day you do the same and the next until your brain starts to slowly change to give you more ability to access a flow state when you're trying to focus. It's like working out, you have to have dedication and effort to put into it regardless of the circumstance and it will have beneficial effects mentally.

That being said, personally i find meditation for the sake of meditation redundant. If i want to train my focus i will go do something productive, learning to get good at a sport or art does almost the same thing... i think. Good indicators you're pushing yourself into a flow state and training that part of your mind are things like time distortion (how long have a i been sitting here writing this?) and loss of self (one with the ball).

Also i hope you're taking good care of yourself noregrets, keep trying.
 
I'm finding that I really just want to enjoy myself on vacation and deal with the collateral damage once I return. This is not to say I am going all out and eating/drinking everything I want. If that were the case, I'd gain 10 lbs by the time I get home. I'm still practicing self control, but instead of limiting myself to 1200-1300 calories, I have probably eaten 1600-1800 the last few days. I'm also not going to log my food until I get back. My work is stressful and I don't go on vacation extremely often, so for my mental well being, I feel that I should enjoy myself and live in the moment experiencing all the deliciousness this place has to offer. I've been good about exercising. I've been going running every morning and getting in my 2 miles while we're here. Yesterday we went snorkeling. Today we are going kayaking.

It will be interesting to see how much I weigh once I get home! Whatever the number is, I will deal with it and hop immediately back on track to 115. I was 128 the day we left. We are returning on Thursday. I would actually be ok with being at 120lbs, however the reason my goal is 115 is because I want to be able to do things like go on vacation and not count calories and not worry about how terrible I look from water weight during my T.O.M. So I figured a 5 pound buffer from where I'm comfortable at is a good place to be because even if I have a few splurge days or become bloated, I am still going to feel ok with my weight and I can just hop back on track. It says a healthy weight range for 5'3 is 107-140 (that seems like a huge range). Point being, 115 is perfect for me.
 
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Hi guys! I'm really happy right now. I just got back from vacation and weighed myself to find out that I've LOST half a pound! WHAT!!?? I guess in hind sight, I was really not that bad. I was too busy to eat very much. We grilled every night and grilling usually consisted of meat and vegetables. Over the 4 days, I had a few bad things such as pizza bites, string cheese, and a few peanut butter cookies (all things I'd never usually eat). But I guess given my level of activity and healthy choices otherwise, it worked out for me. Truth be told, my worst meal of the entire vacation was when we stopped at Mcdonalds this morning before hitting the road. I had an egg and cheese english muffin and a hasbrown. I also stole a few fries from my husband.

But it all worked out! I was honestly so worried. I looked in the mirror this morning and felt like I looked a little bloated but I guess it was my imagination. My wedding ring did seem loose all vacation which is usually a good indicator of my weight. We got home in the evening, so maybe I will weigh even less in the morning!? Haha I don't want to get greedy, but who knows. After weighing myself, I immediately decided to have a healthy dinner and went to the store to buy chicken breast and vegetables for tonight. I cooked everything in a pan with some pam, poured a glass of wine and enjoyed it. Now I'm done eating for the day! Anyway, I am 127.5 as of this evening! Only 7.5 lbs to my short term goal of 120. How exciting. I didn't get to exercise today because we were driving for 5 hours and then I was unpacking the RV, but tomorrow morning I'm going to sleep in, then go for a nice long 3 mile run. Anyway, looking forward to hopping back on this train (that I apparently never fell off of!!).

Today's foood:
Egg and cheese english muffin - 400
1 hashbrown - 150
7 small french frys - 50
Chicken breast (125 g) - 200
1 cup red bell pepper - 30
1 cup sliced white mushrooms - 3-
Chardonnay (6 0z x2) - 300
Total - 1,160
 
Win/win. I felt the same when I got back from our vacation. I ate so much more than usual but also exercised much more. It's a good result.
 
Good morning. I'm still technically on vacation until Monday, so I haven't been extremely diligent about logging. I have however been watching what I eat and exercising portion control as well as not eating garbage. To be clear, I am back home and no longer camping, but no work until the 12th.

I'm down another pound and currently weighing in at 126.5 this morning! 125 lbs is my short term goal and after that I only have 10 more, so I think I could see 125 by next weekend if I keep doing what I'm doing. I will realistically be even stricter once I'm back at work in 2 days and on a normal routine, so I think it's very likely I will see 125 next week.

Yesterday was a great day. I ran 2 miles and kayaked for over 2 hours. Eating was good, but the alcohol content was a bit too high (although it was spread out over 8+ hours, so really not that terrible).
Breakfast - Lara protein bar (all natural)- 200
Lunch - 2 oz grilled chicken, hummus, 2 mini pita slices, zuchini/carrots/tomato - 280
Chardonnay (10 oz) - 240
Chardonnay (12 oz) - 300
2 cups steamed broccoli - 70
1 can of tuna - 220
Sundried tomato - 20
Seasoning - 10
20 mini shrimp - 100
Cocktail sauce - 100
Total - 1,540

Not bad considering all the kayaking. Today my husband and I are going to the casino so I can play poker and he can play the slots. Days like this usually consist of a lot of drinking and nearly no eating until dinner time. Well, it's pretty much breakfast, alcohol all day, dinner. I'm going to try to keep it at 2 drinks today though. Time to start easing back into normal life and out of vacation mode. For dinner, I'll probably made a vegetable and chicken stir fry with quinoa. Really happy about being 126.5!
 
Well, vacation is over. It's 5am here and I'm currently having my coffee before hopping on the treadmill. After that, I will be headed back to work for the first time in 11 glorious days. I went grocery shopping yesterday and bought healthy food for the week + did all my meal prepping. I'm definitely prepared to kick ass.

Last night I was having a lot of anxiety yesterday over what kind of sh*t storm awaits me at work. I ended up over eating for the first time in a long time. I had 2 dinners and then the snacking just continued I ate until my stomach was nearly hurting. Not good. But you know what- I haven't done that in probably over a month - so that's progress. I'm not weighing myself this morning because I know I'll be up, so why torture myself by being upset over the number. I'm just going to get back on track for a few days and then weigh in.

Starting this week, I'm going to try very hard to do no alcohol Monday-Thursday. It's not going to be easy. In addition to coming back to probably 800-100 emails after vacation, I have 3 transfers scheduled this week at work. It's going to be an absolutely insanely busy and stressful week. However my plan is to replace alcohol after work with exercise. I will still be doing my 2 miles every morning before work, but I'll also add some weight training/videos/anything into the afternoon to occupy my time, relieve stress, and keep my mind off alcohol. After work I generally have an INTENSE desire to drink as soon as I leave the building. So this is not going to be easy, but I will fight it one craving at a time.

That's all for now, I'll write more tonight. Have a good day everyone!
 
I'm an animal lover. I have 3 dogs who I consider part of my family. They're spoiled and loved beyond words. About a year ago, a black cat showed up on my back porch. He was neutered and friendly- not a feral- definitely a stray that someone lost, left behind, or dumped. I started feeding him at night and he started coming back every day at the same time. A year later, I still feed him every night and now he shows up in the morning also to be fed. My morning routine is that I wake up at 5am before my husband and I sit at my computer for a bit having coffee next to the sliding glass door. Not too long after I start drinking my coffee, this guy (I call him buddy) shows up meowing for his breakfast. I go out there, feed him, give him a few pets and then come inside and watch him. There's something very relaxing and peaceful about watching him eat every morning. He eats and goes off to wherever he spends the day. The picture below is Buddy.

Work was insane yesterday and I failed at alcohol control. I did have a nice evening watching Netflix with my husband, but I drank way too much wine. Yesterday was good food wise, but the alcohol put my calories over the top. Why is it so hard to give up. I won't be doing the treadmill this morning. I pressed snooze 3 times. I'm hungover and have no energy, feeling a bit down. This job is really killing me- I'm not sure it's worth the stress. I literally spend the entire day in an almost panic attack feeling like my blood pressure is raised and by the time I get to leave, all I want to do is drink myself into an oblivion. That can't be healthy. I may have to make some changes.

This journal entry was really not about food today, sorry guys. Back to food tonight or tomorrow.
 
6/19/17

Weight: 130

Exercise: 2 miles @ 4mph on treadmill

Food:
Sugar free vanilla iced coffee - 100
1 hard boiled egg, 1 egg white - 100
Grapefruit (1/2) - 100
Lettuce - 20
Tuna (40z) - 120
Avocado (100g) - 160
Balsamic Vinegar - 100
Hot dog bun with coleslaw - 240
Chicken breast (125g) - 200
Asaparagus (100g) - 20
Chardonnay (12 oz) - 300
Halo top chocolate chip cookie dough (1/2 cup) - 90
Rainbow sprinkles (2 tsp) - 60
Total - 1,600 calories
 
6/20/17

Weight: 127.5

Exercise: 2 miles @ 4mph on treadmill (about to do it, but it's definitely happening).

Food: It's 5:20am, I'll update the food section tonight lol.

So, yesterday I was 130 and today I am 127.5. I know exactly why this is. Yesterday was the last day of my period and (tmi alert) I was in the bathroom peeing every hour. It seems that sometimes on the last day of my period, my body unloads all the water weight and the next day I am down a few lbs. What a relief! I had been holding steady in the 127s pre period and was really sad when I ballooned up to 130 during it. So this is great!

I started this journal exactly 1 month ago and I've lost 4lbs so far. I haven't been as diligent about updating it and due to having an 11 day vacation right in the middle of it, but I have been good about keeping my eating under control. On a scale of 1-10 with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, I've probably maintained a 7 fr the last month. I've had months where I tried hard and did worse than that. Months that I lost nothing or gained. Given that I am already not overweight to begin with, 4lbs is a huge victory for me. Prior to now, I hadn't been in the 127s for probably at least 1 year.

Anyway, now that my period/vacation is over, I'm going pedal to the metal with the weight loss and this journal (going to kick the 7 up to a 10). So if anyone reads this, expect to see updates at least once a day!

One thing I'd really like to improve on is drinking more water. I'm so bad about it and really barely drink any until I wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm in the dessert dying of thirst and then I chug 20oz in one sitting. I know how terrible that is, no need to tell me! Starting today I'm going to keep a water bottle near me on my desk at all times and sip it through out the day. My goal for this week is to drink 64 oz of water per day.
 
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