*Stacy's One Life to Live*

[hickgurltx]

How can I do that if I have no desire?

That's the whole thing.

I don't care. I don't have the desire.

I can't just flip a switch.

If it was that simple/easy for me to do that and have that mind-set, I wouldn't be a fat mess in the first place. lol

It's hard to explain..

 

[bikinibound]

How can I do that if I have no desire?

That's the whole thing.

I don't care. I don't have the desire.

I can't just flip a switch.

If it was that simple/easy for me to do that and have that mind-set, I wouldn't be a fat mess in the first place. lol

It's hard to explain..

Do you have a desire to lose weight? What's more important to you--losing weight or eating what you want and not exercising? Because if you have lost your desire to lose weight, then there's nothing I can do to help. If you don't care whether or not you lose weight, then you shouldn't be feeling bad or guilty about your choices these days.

Here's how I look at it--you've worked very hard to lose the weight you have. It would be a real shame if you just gave up now and gained it all back. You've been doing this for 13 years. Time to break the cycle.

I have plenty of days when I don't feel like doing what I should. Hey, during August and September when I was plateauing I could easily have given up. But I knew that if I did, I'd gain back all that I'd worked so hard to lose, and I'd be miserable. Yesterday I had to exercise for 100 min in order to get in all my challenge pts. Believe me--I did NOT feel like doing that. But I didn't want to let my team down, so exercise I did--I MADE myself do it. And I can assure you that all the while there were little voices in my head telling me I didn't HAVE to do this, I could just forget it this week. But I won the battle of the little voices. Hmmm.... maybe I'm schitzophrenic....

 

[hickgurltx]

Thanks Kimberly.

I hope to break the cycle.

Only time will tell.

 

[bikinibound]

Thanks Kimberly.

I hope to break the cycle.

Only time will tell.

You're acting like you have no say in this. You're the only one who does.

 

[Omega]

If it was that simple/easy for me to do that and have that mind-set, I wouldn't be a fat mess in the first place. lol

You were not a fat mess in the first place. Please do not put yourself down like that. If you want to remind yourself about what a fat mess looks like go to my before photos.

Going out for a good walk with Zu-zu whether you feel like one or not or maybe doing that Denise Austin work out that you have said that you enjoy doing - may well help you retain the result of your hard work to date. We all have to do things in life that we do not want to do.

I have just posted this in our challenge team thread.

Please try not to think of the Disorder Clinic with negative concepts like loon dr. We all have a number of physical and / or psychological problems and issues that we collect across a lifetime. Thankfully doctors are there to help us in a number of those areas - and we are wise to seek out and accept their guidance.

As for a diagnosis from within the family - unless that family member is qualified then I would suggest that you ignore it until you have heard from a professional.

As for losing weight and then gaining it back in December - that is pretty much par for the course. I am sure that I have heard that the average skinny person puts on weight during December. All it means that you temporarily lost your focus and put on a little weight week-on-week. Look on page 6 of the November 2 pounds a week challenge. You will see that I put on weight in the week ending 16th November. We all have these moments. Please do not be more concerned about it than is justified - just try to recapture your focus and your weight loss project will be back on track.

Take care
Love
Margaret

 

[Blancita]

Kimberly: Thanks sweetie.
I have now changed everything to Caff. Free and Decaf.
The chocolate will just have to stay though bc I'm a choc. addict.
I just love the weight watchers treats! lol

Hun, be careful about "decaf" also because it often still contains a lot of caffeine. Maybe try to cut out the fake toxic soda (dont get mad girl!) and just see what happens? Try mixing 1 part juice (grape or cranberry is good) w/ 3 parts water or seltzer? I dunno, stress is very often what keeps me up at night though. I'm just lucky I get a few hours sleep before I'm up again 2am (I can drop off at 9pm with no problem). Ooooh but its great when I wake up from a full night's sleep!

 

[Blancita]

You were wanting to meet some people to hang out with, so I was thinking maybe you can meet some people online in your area? My sister just moved to FL so she wants her little son to meet some friends since he's not in school yet so she checked out out this site called meetup.com. They have listings all over the country by area and by interest. My sis looked for play groups doing activities with moms and kids at his age group. But they have exercise and activity groups, different hobby groups and just people wanting to go out like you. Maybe you can start up a group in your area and organize activities, you seem like a great organizer! Some people even charge a nominal fee to run the meet up group they start and to fund activities. I just did a quick check and they do have groups near you. Have a great sunday gurlie .

 

[hickgurltx]

You were wanting to meet some people to hang out with, so I was thinking maybe you can meet some people online in your area? My sister just moved to FL so she wants her little son to meet some friends since he's not in school yet so she checked out out this site called meetup.com. They have listings all over the country by area and by interest. My sis looked for play groups doing activities with moms and kids at his age group. But they have exercise and activity groups, different hobby groups and just people wanting to go out like you. Maybe you can start up a group in your area and organize activities, you seem like a great organizer! Some people even charge a nominal fee to run the meet up group they start and to fund activities. I just did a quick check and they do have groups near you. Have a great sunday gurlie .

LOL! I have already tried that..{Too funny you brought it up}

I was e-mailed and told I could not be a part of many groups bc they only wanted mom's with small children bc most of their meetings were "Play-Dates."

The other ones with older kids are too far away. {an hour or more!}

I then tried to create my own group and 1 person joined but never came to the meet-ups and no one else ever joined, so I closed it.

I got off the "parenting mode" and looked into the other categories but many e-mailed and said they were not taking new members and they were full.

The others were too far away for me to travel to.

Too bad that didn't work out. It could have been very helpful.

Thanks Doll!

 

[hickgurltx]

Thanks Margaret - Cita - Kimberly.

I'm just a mess right now.

Hopefully I can get my emotions and other issues in check and feel better soon.

I have some serious depression going on right now and that just always makes you feel hopeless and worthless.

I'm doing my best to fight it off and it is time to see a doc again.

Just can't right now bc of C-Mas and money.

Those docs are "Specialists" and our ins. hardly covers any amount when it comes to them. I will have to see how much it will cost and get an estimate on how many tests will be run this time.

It's pretty sad that America has turned out to be like this ya know?
Have ta worry and SAVE to go to the freakin' doctor!!

You can't live in peace and have a good life unless you're rich or an illegal immigrant.

I swear if we had the money, we'd leave America for good!
{hubby feels the same way.}

****

Anyway,

thanks y'all.

 

[Blancita]

I agree. My sister just moved back to the States from England and she's appalled by the state of our horrible health care system, which is far worse than it was when she last lived here about 14 years ago. Make sure you're registered to vote and let's vote in some people that think we should cut out the evil middle man, the insurance company that does nothing but spend its dollars on trying to prevent us from getting the health care we so dearly pay for.

 

[bikinibound]

Stacy you are NOT hopeless or worthless!! I don't want to hear you say things like that about yourself. You are such a great person. You're a fantastic wife and mother for starters--and a great daughter and sister. Your loved ones can always count on you when they need you--and that is a great quality to have--even though they may not always deserve to be able to count on you.

You are also a great friend--even though it seems that people near you are too stupid to realize that. You are very well liked on this forum, and are always very supportive to us all. I for one am very glad that you found this forum.

You're funny as hell, a talented writer, good-hearted, hard-working and industrious. You have so many things to be proud of--don't be so hard on yourself. You deserve the best--so please don't sabotage all the hard work you've done to lose weight.

Love ya, Sugar Lips!!!

 

[bikinibound]

I was watching Tuesday's Biggest Loser tonight and Jillian said something to Isabeau that reminded me of you. And knowing how much you like Jillian, I thought this might help you through your tough time.

"This is when it's most important that you push through it. Because this is where it matters the most. This is where lives are made--in these moments when you choose whether to say, 'I can't' or 'I can.' It is that choice that will make or break you in life."

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!

 

[hickgurltx]

I guess I have scared everyone off...LOL...

Just Kimberly- Cita- & Margaret visiting..



Thanks for checking in with me guys.
Means a lot.



Thanks Kimberly.
You made me cry{in a good way.}

So cute for you to mention Jillian since you know I ADORE that awesome woman. lol

Man, if she could get a hold of me and kick my ass, I'd be at goal by spring.

Luv you! <3

*****

I hear ya Cita, it is a MESS!
My parents are dirt poor, but they are told they are not "poor enough" so they can't get food stamps.

They live off 50 cent banquet pot pies and if they are lucky, canned veggies.

I'm so thankful my sissy Steph is helping me with C-Mas.

She will buy some food and we'll buy some food!

I'm going to make double batches of everything so they can have all the leftovers.

That way they can eat off that stuff for at least a week.

I don't know though?.. That's 5 people..{Chrisy is home from college on break. She won't go back to school till Jan. 13th.}

MaeMae will come over Tuesday to spend the day/night with us!
I can't wait to see my lil baby!

She's been home since Friday night but has been with friends, and today/Monday I'll be running all over town and Cory has a C-Mas Choir Concert tonight.

I guess I need to try and go to bed now.

Poor lil ZuZu has been sick tonight and that has kept me busy.
I've been so worried to leave her and go to bed.
She was throwing up so badly..

I guess the new bone we bought her upset her tummy.

I feel like total crap for giving it to the poor thing.

They were out of her usual brand so we bought one that looked just like her regular ones.

NEVER AGAIN!!

She is sleeping on my feet right now. {awwww}

I'm gonna rub her tummy and then tuck her in.

Nite.

 

[Blancita]

Hi sweetie . A lot of times people get busy and its hard to visit too many diaries. I go in ebbs and flows but it doesn't mean I dont want to post every where if I could. So I'll hit up a few, as many as I can, before logging off. I do admit I visit my homegirl BB's diary every single time because she is so consistent and steadfast about being here for us and herself, and she's so damn entertaining.

BB's right, do NOT think negatively of yourself, its simply not warranted or justified, depressed or not. You are a warm caring person (your empathy for those old people you cared for proves it) and your capable and organized, not to mention a great care taker. What I wouldnt give to have H keep this house like you keep yours. Hubby is a lucky man!

When did you try the meetup site? Maybe its busier now? I myself would try getting into the groups again, dont take it personally they just have size constraints and you never know whose on there now. I did a quick check I think for exercise groups in your area and a few came up around 20 miles away. I dunno, maybe it'll go no where but the internet really is a great way to connect with like minded people also sitting there bored and wanting to get out and have fun.

Cheer up girl! Get a walk and some sun.

 

[Omega]

Hi Stacy

Please recognise your own value. I have told you before what a good person you are. You are certainly very supportive to me. I agree with what Kimberly wrote about you. The world is better for having you in it.

Try and get a hold of a book on cognitive therapy. You may be able to get one out of the library and it cost you nothing. A friend of mine with OCD swore that it helped them such a lot. I understand that it is a sort of process of thinking that you can learn from a book. It has to be worth a try.

Take care
Love
Margaret
PS Sorry to hear about Zu-zu - as if you havent enough to worry about.

 

[Bellaryna]

Stacey!!!
I agree with everything that everyone has said!!!
And you already know how I feel since I PM'd you.
But it bears repeating again, You are a beautiful, wonderful person!!!
Now repeat 10x's! LOL
For the record I have been thru a pretty rough depression myself about 4 years ago. My youngest was born in April of '03 and I guess the nice weather and being able to get out and be in the sun held off my depression for about 5-6 months. When the weather changed, oh man did I change. I didn't care about nothing.
Dh was so worried about me 'cuz I would come home from church and just crawl up into the big lazyboy and curl into a ball and go to sleep. The kids would be running everywhere when he came home and the baby would be right next to the chair in his bouncy where I could reach him.
At that point my dd was almost 4 and if she wanted something to eat she would just have to get it herself. I just didn't have the energy or the desire to care about anything.
I went and saw my family doc who after I explained how I was feeling told me I had depression. He put me on Paxil. After about a month I felt so much better. Not cured but better. It took me at least a good 6 months to "snap" out of it. (Snapping being a term that people who have never had depression would say to me, like dh "can't you just snap out of it? No I can't!)
The best description I give for depression to someone who has never experianced it would be to imagine that you have a wool blanket that is black in color. Now imagine that you are underneath that blanket and someone has poured water all over it soaking it so that it weighs a ton. Now imagine that you are trying really hard to throw that blanket off and no matter how hard you try it won't budge. Every once in a while you get a glimpse of sunlight and sometimes the blanket even slides down enough for you to feel like you can breathe but just as suddenly as it slid down it pops back up.
You get exhausted and after a while you just stay under the blanket.
That is exactly how I felt and after the Paxil got into my system I swear it was like someone came and tore that blanket right off of me. Suddenly there was light and everything was beautiful with color.

Stacy I hope that you get to your family doc and see about at least getting put on something until you can go to see the specialist. And explain to your doc how tight it is cash wise. My doc had sample packs that he gave me 'cuz we were strapped for cash as well.
And know that I understand how you feel, been there done that.
Love ya girl!
And remember you have all of us here rooting for you and cheering you on.
We want to help you lift that blanket off, so let us help you okay? If nothing else maybe we can help you too peek out a little bit.

 

[Steve]

Sorry you are going through some rough times Stacy.... I don't visit journals hardly at all anymore. Not that I'm not interested in everyone... it's just I tend to stick to the informational posts and there are only so many hours in a day!

Anyhoo.... depression is a bitch, totally screws with your perceptions. Although perception tends to be one's reality, that doesn't mean it is reality.

A common characteristic of depression is emotional reasoning. Here, you take your emotions as evidence for the truth. You’re logic: “I feel like a dud, therefore I am a dud.”

This kind of reasoning is misleading b/c your feelings reflect your thoughts and beliefs. If they are distorted, as quite often is the case especially when depressed, your emotions will have no validity.

One usual side effect to emotional reasoning is procrastination. You avoid cleaning up your desk b/c you tell yourself, “I feel so lousy when I think about that messy desk, cleaning it will be impossible.” Six months later you finally give yourself a little push and do it. It turns out to be quite gratifying and not so tough at all.

You were fooling yourself all along b/c you are in the habit of letting your negative feelings guide the way you act.

Another common characteristic is magnification and minimization. Here, you are either blowing things up out of proportion or shrinking them. Magnification commonly occurs when you look at your own errors, fears, or imperfections and exaggerate their importance. When you think about your strengths, you may do the opposite. If you magnify your imperfections and minimize your good points, you’re guaranteed to feel inferior. But the problem isn’t you -- it’s the crazy lenses you’re wearing.

There are a ton of nuances like this related to our thoughts. It's important to, at the very least, identify them. Once identified, you can begin repairing.

 

[hickgurltx]

Hi everyone.

Cita: Went through meet-up again last month.
I'll try again after C-Mas.
The sun is out today and it's 52*, so I will get ZuZu out.
My poor lil angel was so sick last night.

Margaret: You're so lovely. Thank you.
I will check the library.
My next day out for myself will be in a few days and I planned on going to the library and half priced books.

Bell: Thanks sweetie.
Yep, that's pretty much it.
Mine is a hole and I feel like I'm drowning.

Steve: Hi ya.
Thank you sooooooo much.
I really needed to read that info.


*********
I hope you all have a Great Monday/Week!

I have been busy today and will stay busy....

Plus, tonight is Cory's C-Mas Choir Concert.

{He is bass} He's 13 {14 in Jan} and sounds likes he's 44...lol

He'll have to be dropped off early for practice and then when it's time for us to be there, the parking/traffic will be a nightmare!

This of course is the most popular concert for the whole school year since it's C-Mas Carols.

They are having it at the high school which is on the same road as the Mall! Can you imagine?

We will have to leave early, that's for sure!

The next few days are going to be super crazy.
I have still not made it to the grocery store yet, so that has to be done, I have to finish C-Mas Shopping, MaeMae is coming over to spend the day/night with us tomorrow, gotta get ZuZu to the groomers for the works, and I have to clean.
I will be super ready for my day out after all of this!

I'm so pissed that I have put off the damn grocery store once again!
It just makes it harder on me when I do that.
So, why the hell do I do it?

I guess bc I know what a pain it's going to be - I just don't want to deal w/it.
Well,
just like what was in Steve's post:

"One usual side effect to emotional reasoning is procrastination. You avoid cleaning up your desk b/c you tell yourself, “I feel so lousy when I think about that messy desk, cleaning it will be impossible.” Six months later you finally give yourself a little push and do it. It turns out to be quite gratifying and not so tough at all."

 

[bikinibound]

So cute for you to mention Jillian since you know I ADORE that awesome woman. lol

Man, if she could get a hold of me and kick my ass, I'd be at goal by spring.

Even Jillian could only do so much. You still have to decide for yourself whether to say you can't or you can.

I honestly think you should get out of the house as much as possible. I have suffered from mild depression lately, and when I sit in my bed watching TV or typing on my laptop I tend to feel worse. But when I get up and do productive things, I feel so much better--even though it can be really hard to get up and be productive.

By no means am I saying that you are lazy and unproductive--I know that to be far from the truth. What I'm saying is that you should set some achievable goals for yourself each day--like getting certain household chores done, or exercising a certain amount, or eating within a certain calorie range. And then achieve those goals. Don't make them so hard or so many that you doom yourself for failure--make a few that you can do with a bit of effort. Then when you reach them, you'll feel a sense of accomplishment that will make you feel good about yourself. Plus, I find that just going about doing the things that need to be done makes me feel better--getting out of the house, especially. What about volunteering at a soup kitchen once a week? You'll 1. get out of the house, 2. meet other volunteers, 3. get the warm fuzzy feeling from helping someone out.

I really like what Steve said about depression. Makes tons of sense.

As to the grocery shopping, I'm thinking maybe if you went more often it wouldn't be such a chore b/c you wouldn't have so much to buy, reducing the time spent on doing it. I go weekly and buy for 4 adults. I spend about 90 minutes shopping--and that's going to 2 different stores. It takes me about 10min to bring in all the groceries, and about 20min to put them away. So about 2hrs all together once a week.

You shouldn't feel so badly about yourself. From what you've told me about your childhood, and with all the family crap you still have to deal with, the very fact that you aren't in an insane asylum is proof that you are a very strong person.

 

[hickgurltx]

Thanks Kimberly.

I hear ya...
I will try and do those things.
I appreciate your help/advice.

**********

The concert was great.

Cory was so awesome with his huge/booming/deep-manly voice.

I actually got chills at times. Others were whispering, "his voice is so powerful."

My lil man was a hit.

My favorite was, Carol of the Bells. Man, they all are awesome, but Cory was just so great and really carried the song so well.

That is one of my favorite C-Mas songs anyway..

After, we hit the pizza inn buffet.

My goal was to eat a Ginormous salad - which I did, but I still ended up eating too much pizza.

Now, I'm thirsty as heck but at least I'm getting lots of water in now.

I had a slightly brisk walk with Ms. ZuZu as well.

I drop her off at the groomers tomorrow so tears will be shed in the morning.

She HATES it there and looks at me like, MOTHER - You damn traitor!
She then whines and yelps. I feel like crap.

I get so nervous I break out in red splotches.
I swear, I would give my life for this lil stinker just like I would for my son.

I must be the most insane person on the planet?!!?

To have a panic attack bc you drop off your dog to get a bath and to be groomed?

I just feel so guilty since she hates it.

I swear I'm not making this up..

When I pick her up, she will be thrilled to see me and gives me a few quick kisses. Once in the car her attitude begins.

She'll slap me with her freshly cut nails which will give me a long-red whelp on face or neck. She plays it off like she was trying to kiss me franticly.

Then, she will keep her ears down the whole car ride and will not look at me again.

Once home she crys and licks hubby and son to death and will not come near me. {Mind you, she is a complete mommy's girl!}

She will ignore me for at least 4-5 hours. {I'm not joking!}

Then, she will not be able to control her payback to me anymore and she will jump in my lap and begin kissing me like she hasn't seen me in a year!
She'll then follow me everywhere like normal.

This happens everytime!

So freakin' smart I tell ya!

The cold shoulder from a dog..LMBO!

So, I dread tomorrow bc I cannot stand leaving her there and then going through the drama once picked up/home.

OMG, have I rambled on enough?