Stacy's "Breaking the Cycle!"

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OMG, I'm shedding a tear for you and Mae Mae. Bless her heart for doing what she feels is best for her baby. Hopefully she will be able to keep in touch with him as I know that would make him happy as he gets older.
 
Your doing the best thing you can by being there for Chrissy. And letting her know that no matter what you still love her. Consoling her the way you did was precious. I wish that I could have had a family as supportive as you guys are being.
Would have made a world of difference.
If Chrissy ever wants to talk to someone who's been there and done that she can feel free to call me anytime. Just let me know and I will give you my number.
Your the best Stacey!
 
Thank you so much Kimberly, Cita, and Dawn. SUPER BIG :grouphug:

I'm tryin' so HARD to settle down...I have no choice but to work today or I'll be fired. I just can't stop crying.

My eyes are sooooo swollen..(cried myself to sleep.)

Last night was just horrible as I had to kiss him bye and let go of him.

It was just as horrible to kiss/leave MaeMae.

My heart breaks that I can't be there for her today as they leave the hospital w/no baby.
It just kills me to no end!!!!!!!

As soon as I'm off the clock at work (3PM) I'll head to the house to be with her.

Late aftenoon was VERY difficult bc there was so much tension in the air.
The adoptive family couldn't take it any more and had to leave.
Chrisy was havin' 100% NORMAL feelings of wanting to back out and keep the baby.

Jenna (adoptive mom) was just a mess and just came up to me and hugged me. She said her heart was breaking for MaeMae and also of course bc she didn't want to lose the baby.
I just hugged her and kissed her cheek and told her to hang in there bc Chrisy wants to let him go bc she feels/knows that he will have a wonderful life with them. BUT - you have to try and remember how HARD this is for her bc she wants him. She wants to raise him, but there is just no way.
I asked Jenna to take her feelings and then try to imagine them 100% worse or more and that's how Chrisy is feeling. I told her that what MaeMae was feeling is normal bc it's SOOOO hard to let go and make it final.
I told her to hang in there and not to give up.
She hugged me tight and calmed down a bit.
They had to leave.

I cried all the way home last night and as I was trying to go to sleep.

I feel like poo.

I'm just trying so hard for my heart to let go as well.
This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life.
It kills me bc if it's this hard for me, I can't even comprehend how Chrisy feels.

This isn't a good pic bc the lighting was bad for our cheap camera...
We will have to get our scanner out so when my mom's pics come out you can see more details/clearer...

Adoptive family: Jenna & Jose





Also,

Here is my baby w/the baby...



Gotta go...

Almost time for work..

*Hugs*
 
OMG girl, you and your poor sister are going through so much. I almost cried when I saw the adoptive parents too, they seem so happy, like they will make really good parents. Are they not able to have biological kids? But I can sure understand your sister's feelings, the poor thing. She just needs to be sure its the right thing and that she's doing what SHE wants and not what anyone else wants, like her man or whomever. Are you sure she's sure this is the right decision for her? Feel free not to respond if this is too personal.
 
If you don't mind Stac I would like to respond some to Cita's questions.
I can totally sympathize with Chrissy. When I was 18 I put my daughter up for adoption. It was my decision. And knowing that she would have a better life with her adoptive family was helpful but knowing that I would never again get to hold her, hear first words, ect, ect.......was difficult beyond belief. I too went thru the "I'm keeping her phase". Even though I had nothing. Nothing at all prepared for her. Not a crib, car seat, outfit or even a diaper. All I knew was that she was mine and I wanted her.
What got me thru was knowing how much her mom and dad wanted her. It wasn't until I had a hard time getting pregnant with my 2nd child that I truly understood the desire that they had for her. But I could still sense it at the time. As well as having an open adoption helped.
Knowing that I would still get pictures and occasional updates.
It's one of the hardest things to ever have to do.

Stacy, I don't know that MaeMae can tell you now or ever will but knowing that you love that baby as much as she does and having someone to talk to about the whole experiance will help her to heal faster than I ever did.
I basically went it alone.
Looking back and seeing all the things that I went thru and all the growing up I did it was the best thing I could have ever done for her.
And I believe that MaeMae will come to know that too.
Just know that you guys continue to be in my prayers. As well as the adoptive family too.
God Bless.
 
Ach, this is all making me cry. :cry: Dawn couldn't have put it any better.

Being pregnant myself, I can sort of imagine what it would be like to have to give this baby up to someone else. Pretty frickin' awful. Of course, mine was planned and dearly wanted even before its conception. But even if it wasn't, it would still be excrutiating.

More :grouphug: :grouphug: to Mae Mae.
 
Aaawww you have me crying...I could never even come close to imagining.

I had my oldest b/c of that reason.I didn't want to abort nad I knew there would be no way I could give up a baby after carrying them for 9 months...

My heart goes out to you guys:hug2:

For what it is worth, the adoptive parents look great, like they would be good supportive doting parents.

MaeMae looks great...but WOW, that poor thing.Your an excellent big sis and she is lucky ot have you and all your support!

:hug2::hug2::hug2:

How is MaeMae doing ? The problem for MaeMae is that none of us can rometly understand what she is going through...Have you tried or thought about looking into support groups for her so she can surround herself with woman and familieis in the same position as her?

Your definately in my thoughts!<3
 
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Hey

I've never stopped by this diary before. But I just read over the last few pages and I am totally crying. I couldn't EVER imagine carrying around my baby for 9 months, giving birth, and then having to give him/her away. Gosh, talk about the hardest thing ever. I don't know the full story but I'm sure your sister is doing it so Jackson can have a better life. Gosh my heart goes out for you, your sister and the whole family.

And yeah for what its worth, the adoptive parents look great. I can totally see the love.

Gosh, this made me so sad. Hang in there!!!
 
Thank you E1. :grouphug:

MaeMae thanks you.

Dawn, I told her what you told me and she said if she needs that 1 on 1 with you bc of what you guys share, she'll let me know. :hug2:

Did that make any sense?
Everything seems fuzzy and crazy to me..?

I have been stuttering and losing my train of thought a lot, so bare with me.

:)

Today was 1,000% TERRIBLE.

Nothing went right at the hospital and with her discharge.

Add in the adoption agent bein' late on top of it all as well.

THEN, the nurses change shifts and a nurse not aware of the 'special' ordeal wheels in Jaxon to Chrisy as she is packing her bags and trying to be strong and 'let go.'

What do I always say? NOTHING and I mean NOTHING goes right for this family!!!!!

Then, add my dumb ass mother and her comments at the last minute to send MaeMae over the top in grief..

That will have to be a story for next time..(too long which I'll share later)
To sum it up it had to do with they could 'maybe make it' even if it meant padding a drawer from a dresser up for the baby to sleep in.
My mother now blames my father for Chrisy losing Jaxon..
(For those of you new to my diary..My parents HATE each other but bc they are poor they cannot afford a divorce or to move out and go different ways.)

It was a good thing I had to work today bc I TRULY feel I would have slapped the hell out of my mother today if I would have been there.
I think she has 2 peas rolling around in her head!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway,

I jet over to the house as soon as I'm off work and mom and dad are fighting in the garage outside. I just ignore them and go in.

Chrisy is alone in the bedroom crying.
I crawled in bed with her and just held her.
Once she stopped crying I asked her if she wanted to talk and she said yeah.

She told me how everything happened and how when she picked up the pen her whole body and mind froze. (I started crying)
She said she could barely see where to sign her name on the papers..
When she did and the adoption agent left the room she jumped out of bed for the bathroom and threw up.. She could hear dad crying/sobbing which was a first for her.

About 25 minutes later the nurse came in and asked if Jenna and Jose could come in before they(my family) left? She said yes.
They were crying and embraced her.
They thanked her from the bottom of their hearts and let her know that her LOVE and BRAVERY has given them a gift they will cherish 4-ever and they will ALWAYS love/respect her for allowing them to be the parents of this miracle, perfect, and precious baby. They thanked her again and made her feel SAFE that they will keep their word re: THE OPEN ADOPTION and what they all agreed to.

Chrisy asked the nurse to please 'speed past' the nursery window as fast as she could as they were headed out. (of course that's bc you are wheeled out of the hospital)
The nurse did.. Chrisy could not help but sob loudly on the way out.
She said all the nurses at their stations were crying.

We then talked about how she made the right choice bc of that hell hole house.

She said,
"it would be cruel to bring another person into this mess.
Instead, Jaxon is in a loving, quiet, peaceful, stable home at this very moment with his own room filled with everything to care for him and 2 parents that will be able to care for his every need."

We both softly cried together and I just kissed her and told her how proud I was of her over and over.
She fell asleep in my arms and I covered her up and headed home.
I didn't talk to my parents. I just jumped in the car..

Well, I'm sobbing again...

I'll keep you guys posted...

I need to try and sleep as I only have Sunday off and I already feel like I'm about to give out completely.

:grouphug:
<3 Stacy
 
:hug2:aaawww:hug2:Poor thing but she should give herslef a big pat on the back for thinking the way she did and for doing what she did!That is true unconditional love!
 
It breaks my heart to hear how much pain Chrissy is in. It is one of the hardest things to ever have to do. I am soooo glad that you are there for her. Sounds like no one else is.
My mom too tried to do the well I can raise the baby thing. I don't know that my family ever forgave me for giving Laura up but I know that I did the right thing. Just as Chrissy will/does.
The open adoption will be the best thing for her. Sounds like Jax is going to have some very wonderful, loving, kind and caring parents.
Hold strong Stacy. Mae Mae needs you now more than ever.
Blessings to you.
 
Thank you Cinderelly - Dawn - & Cita. :grouphug:

Yesterday was very strange for me..
After work I had to run to Target to pick up a new trash can..(lol) The one we had has the button/pop-up lid and it was worn out which meant the lid wouldn't stay closed.
I was only there a few minutes when I started crying and had to go to the bathroom. A lady pulled up next to me w/a baby boy in the buggy.
Then, after getting the trash can, I came out on the wrong isle which spit me out right at the baby clothes. I was a mess.

Later in the evening, I was trying to wrap a couple of gifts for Cory to get under the tree and sobbed....I was thinking how I 'should' be wrapping gifts for Jaxon and filling out his 1st C-Mas Card.

I have decided I'm going to get cards and fill them out for every holiday/event/b-day and so on and keep in a box I'll scrap-book decorate...
It will make me feel better and a day will come when Jaxon gets older and understands this mess and I can give it to him.
He'll know how much his Aunt Stacy loves him and wanted to be there for him.

Chrisy is doing as good as she can. She is hanging in there.

The game will be SOOOO HELPFUL to keep our minds off everything today!!

GOOOOOOOO STEELER'S!

Hubby, Cory, and Chrisy are cheering for the Cowgirls. (They will LOSE!) :biggrinjester:

Hubby and I may end up in different rooms. :D ;)

*******
I weigh-in tomorrow.. :willy_nilly:

I hope to see any kind of a loss! I'm so ready to get out of the horrible 90's!

Happy Sunday All!

GOOOOOOOO STEELER'S!
 
My H is also cheering for the Cowgirls :rolleyes:. I just told H you're routing for the Steerlers and he made a snyde comment.

I think its important for adoptive children to know their birth family really cares about them, so I think that's a great idea you came up with.
 
HAHAHA! My Steeler's won! :D

;)

Only here for a minute.

My gosh, I'm sooooooooo busy now that I have Ms. Mary/Perm. Client.
I'm so tired when I get home and I have to then take care of my chores here, cook dinner, take care of Dave-Cory-& ZuZu, etc.

I hope to catch up with you guys in your J's this weekend as I'll finally have 2 days off in a row! (Sat-Sun)

I lost another lb as well! It's no wonder with all the exercise I get at Ms. Mary's! :smilielol5:
Eating is going well...(except for C-Mas candy/chocolates that have been hoppin' in my mouth!) :ack2:

RE: MaeMae & Jaxon:

She is doin' as fine as she can right now..Just one day at a time bless her heart. :hug2:

I'm trying to hang in there to.

Here is the blog for Jaxon that is open to family/friends!



If you click on the pics there they will open to actual size.

Jenna is the adoptive mom in first pic with their first adopted son Jordon.
Her hubby Jose (adopt.father) is the one with the GIANT smile in the 2nd to last pic.

All the pics are precious.

My fav is the last one though bc that's how I remember him the last time I held/kissed him.

Talk to ya later guys,

<3 Stacy
 
Hey there Stace :)

Sorry to hear about all the hard stuff you and your family have been dealing with lately. It sounds like Chrissy is very lucky to have you in her life. She did a very brave/couragous thing that I couldn't imagine doing and I commend her greatly on that decision.

That's crazy about your parents. It would definitely be stressful to have them around if they are always at each other's throats, like two cats in a box...

Hope work and everything else is going alright. Sounds like your super busy, just like me. The end of the year at my work is always hellishly busy for me because everyone wants to take time off, which leaves me to cover... I need the money for school anyways, so I'm not bitching..... too much:reddevil:

Take Care,
Sam
 
Aww...bless his sweet little heart. :beating: I think his adoptive parents will do a great job raising him, and I love that you're going to make those cards etc for him. That way when he's older he'll know that he wasn't given up b/c he wasn't wanted, but b/c he was loved so much that his birth mother was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice to give him a better life.

I watched the very end of that football game and thought of you! I said to myself, "Stacy will be thrilled about this!" I don't like the Cowpies either, so I'm always happy to see them lose. :D

More love to you and Mae Mae. :hug2:
 
Awwww, it seems like a happy life for the little guy. He's so cute :).

H was in a bad mood after that loss right at the end like that! I even felt sorry for him and acted like I cared that they blew it like that LOL. I'm TICKED at him right now so I'm GLAD the Cowgirls lost!
 
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