The sun's shining outside yet my spirit is overcast.
I really miss my best friend. It hit me last night really suddenly. I just got back from my cardio workout (which went well - I thought it'd be really difficult since I was still stiff but I stretched properly so it was okay...and the music helped too) and came home to an empty house. Both my flatmates have gone away for a few days and don't return until Monday, the day of my exam.
I'd been really excited when they told me, cos I thought it'd be nice to have some space to myself (walk naked round the house, burn scented candles and clean everything up just the way I like it). In between my study sessions yesterday I would clean a different part of the flat, so it smells and looks great right now! I'm even burning some pomegranate oil in the bathroom as I type this. I just love a nice smelling house..
Anyways, getting back on track, I'd just got home to an empty flat, and I suddenly felt the need to speak to someone - anyone. I just wanted to feel like I'm part of the human race. I think I know what set it off.
There was a lady at the gym yesterday. I saw her the day before at the yoga class where we chatted a little, and we chatted a bit more yesterday. She told me she'd just done 4 classes and I was like 'Whoa - you're very dedicated!' She said she comes to the gym 4 to 5 times a week, and she attends between 3 to 4 classes each time, and not nice n easy classes either. As impressed as I was, I remember thinking how much her personal life must have suffered by her being at the gym for such a long time each day.
So I went off to my cardio session, and about 10 minutes later, the lady came in to do a cardio session (in addition to the 4 classes she'd already done!). She worked out for around 20 minutes, then left. I pushed on till I'd done 47 minutes (extra 2 minutes due to a nice tune on the gym radio), then did my stretching and went off to shower (I think this is my favourite part of the gym - the shower at the end). As I left the gym I saw a personal trainer that I began conversing with, and then I saw the same lady from earlier - she was only just leaving the gym. And it was gone 10.30pm by this time. When I left the gym she was a little ways ahead, and I couldn't be bothered to catch up to her (too tired), but I noticed she walked really slowly and lethargically. I don't know if this was due to tiredness (she had done 4 classes AND a cardio session, and she's quite skinny) OR whether she had no one to go home to. The thought made me really sad - I wouldn't want to be 40 (she looked around that age) and still going home to an empty house, and my only source of human interaction is at the gym. She soon turned off and went her way, and I went mine.
I got home, and despite the house being nice and clean like I wanted it to, I found myself feeling extremely lonely. My best friend's usually the most reliable. When he lived in London he used to be up at all hours, so I could call him around 2am if I couldn't sleep and chances are he'd be awake. But now that he's got a job in a different country he's more structured, so I can't impose on him. I knew all my other friends would be asleep (and would rain curses on me if I woke them up) so I just stared at my phone, willing it to ring, hell, even a text message would show someone out there was thinking about me. But no, nothing. Eventually I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and did a google search on what to do to combat feelings of loneliness, but no help there. I had my revision to do but these stupid feelings wouldn't allow me concentrate, so I decided to go to bed instead. I figured broad daylight would make me feel better.
But not really, it's really sunny outside and I'm stuck inside revising for this stupid exam I'm not even interested in anymore. My friends are all at work so I can't call anyone either. Reminds me of a book I once saw back in boarding school - The Lonely Londoners..
Ah well, I guess I should try to get some work done. I can't well write 'I was feeling too lonely to revise' on my exam script, can I? The thought of all the revision I've got to do is depressing me on a major basis, but it's got to be done. I'm feeling so down right now.