Rho's Diary

Evening Rho, I can't wait to hear about how your evening went. You are eating so good and it shows with the weight you have lost so far. Just keep up the good work, which I have no doubt you will and I'll look forward to reading more about your day tomorrow. Have a good rest of your night!
Kim
 
Boo hoo

Such a high note yesterday, and such a low note today.

Today has been horrible, and I can't wait for it to be over.

Rewind to yesterday evening
I was on my way to the gym when I got a call from my best friend. He sounded like he was in need of company, so I went to hang out with him. He's moving to another country so I appreciate every moment I can spend with him.

But I didn't forget the gym - I decided I'd go first thing this morning instead. So I got up at 5am to have breakfast, and I think this was where I made my first mistake. I had muesli. Then I went back to sleep, then got up to get to the gym for 6.30am, which is when the gym opens. All well and good. Got dressed, got the bus halfway, walked the rest of the way (so I wouldn't get there before the gym opened). Got in, changed, then weighed myself. Can you believe the b*tch scales said I was 3lbs heavier - I was so mad... But I thought ok, be calm, there's loads of reasons why it may be laying this crap on me. So I went on to do my workout. Jeez, was this the most DIFFICULT workout of my entire life!

I could feel the damn muesli in my tummy, just sloshing away in there...making me feel ill. I found I just didn't have enough energy, and even when my spirit was willing and I was yelling at myself (in my head) to go on, my body just wasn't cooperating. Somehow I still managed 45 minutes, burning 500 calories in all. When I got off the damn X-trainer, I was drained. Just weak and listless, and I felt angry with myself for not having more to eat last night than nuts and an apple (I wasn't hungry but I ate to up my calories). Had a shower and rushed back home to get dressed for work. On my way home, the endorphins kicked in, and I found myself acting crazy, doing everything at top speed, being really happy like I was on damn speed.

If I'd just gone to work I might perhaps not be as angry as I am. I had to go get my passport renewed. Simple enough. I'd told my boss yesterday and she said "Fine, whatever - you can come in late". So I thought "Ok, I'll get it done by noon like they say on their damn website and then head in to work" (to meet a particular deadline I've been working on). Got to the damn embassy before 10am, didn't manage to get out until 3.30pm! Queueing, filling out God knows what forms, seeing the same sullen faces over and over again while waiting and waiting and waiting. To cap it all off, I've got to wait for over a week to get my damn passport back!

So I dragged myself in to work not too long ago, tired as heck, hot as hell (I've gone straight to the 11th level - that's how I'm feeling), and mighty pi**ed off cos I missed my damn deadline...well, not really missed it, but someone else had to cover for me... Oh, and hungry as a cow! I couldn't find anything worth buying from damn Subway or damn Pret, so I ended up eating random bacon sandwich left over at work... God only knows what's in it but I didn't care much as I was raving at this point... I couldn't even think and my head was, and is thumping.

So that's my day in a nutshell. Horrible, terrible and stupid. I'm mad at myself for being too stupid, and mad at the world for not working properly. Angry at the stupid scales for making me feel I've made less progress than I thought. Tomorrow needs to come quick! To wash away today and all its crap. I can't believe there hasn't been a single positive thing about today...well, except that my hair looks nice and I feel (well, felt) sexy in the top and skirt which fit me loosely... I would have swung my hips for the world if the rest of the day hadn't been so crap... I can't even think what to eat tonight to repair today's damage. Sorry for venting so vehemently... I guess I get really angry sometimes... Any suggestions on what to eat? I need something soothing yet healthy...
 
cshani said:
Whooo hoooo!

Have fun at the spinning class, it sounds like a lot of fun :)

It's awesome that you danced for 4 hours straight.

You are doing an excellent job at this weight loss thing and are very inspiring.

And only 9 pounds to go 'til you're in the 100's ....

you sooooo can do it!
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Awww, thanks cshani, it's such a shame I couldn't make the spinning class. I reckon I'll be able to do it on Saturday cos that's the next time I'll be available for it.

I can't believe I danced for that long too!
Thanks for the kind words - today isn't going so great, and it's not for lack of trying! It's nice to read motivating words to remind me that I should push on despite obstacles and bad days...

I can't wait to be in the 100's... I'll probably dance in the street!
 
Risty said:
Hey Rho! Congrats on the weight loss and holding your clothes up with pins! WOO! That's awesome :D

I'm glad you're feeling better now! I hope you enjoyed your workout, or at least enjoy that you did it! I think an Ipod would be a great idea for the gym. If it wasn't for my music at the gym, I wouldn't have gone. I can't stand doing cardio there and the only thing that gets me through it is my music. At least now I'm doing my CK class and I don't have to suffer at the gym at all! lol.

Great job on your eating and resisting the urge to binge! That's so awesome :D

Anyways, I have to get going to eat dinner and then get off to my upper body resistance. Thanks for all the support in my diary, I hope I am doing the same for you as you're doing for me :)
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Boo hoo to me Risty, I can't believe I feel so bad right now!! Today would have been so perfect! I can't believe the scales are saying I'm 3lbs heavier - I'm just confused and really irritated. And I'm STILL holding my trousers with pins, cos they're all saggy... why would the scales do this to me?!!!

I was really pi**ed off at the music selection at the gym this morning. The machines are connected to around 10 channels (news, music, radio, etc). But did I get music? NO! Every channel just wanted to CHAT! I don't mind chatting normally, but not in the middle of a gruelling workout!! I just need music!! This is as great a push as ever to get myself an IPOD for real..

WE shall get through this together Risty, never fear. I'm really angry today, but I'm sure it'll be better tomorrow. Or the day after. This stupid weight has to go!
 
Hey Rho! I'm sorry about the scale. Just remember that weight can fluctuate within a few pounds every day. It doesn't necessarily mean it's actual pounds gained, it could be plenty of things such as fluid levels and whatnot. So what I do is if my weight goes up or down I'll wait a few days and recheck and if it's consistantly staying up, then it's probably weight, but if it's going up and down or whatever then it's just the fluctuation thingy. So just take that into consideration.

I'm glad you went on with your workout even after being upset about the scale. When I was going to the gym at 6am I wouldn't eat breakfast just for that very reason! If I eat too soon to a hard workout (esp in the morning) I definatley feel very ill. So I would eat when I got back. Maybe that will work better for you. Or you could have one of those protein shakes earlier and those would digest much much faster and therefore not be in your tummy to make you feel ill for the gym!

I'm sorry you're day went so horrible, I hate those kind of days. I just hope you're feeling better now. Sometimes going for a walk really helps relieve me of my stress and/or anger and makes me feel a lot better. So maybe try something like that when you have time, or maybe a bath... those are always nice :D

I hope we both see some scale changes within the coming week! I know I definately have waited long enough! LOL I really hope you're feeling better and will have a better day tomorrow!
 
Hey y'all,

I hope everyone's doing ok. It's been a few days since I posted - I guess life just got in the way. Actually I think I'm rather going through a bit of a bad patch...at least for the past month. Ain't it funny - once you make a decision to change your life, stuff just starts happening to you...

I haven't been been specific about my eating, by which I mean I haven't counted everything. But I haven't drifted to junk foods, or let myself go in any way. I think this is me settling into this lifestyle change. I have had to remember to eat because you know a major cause of my problem is not eating for long periods of time.

Work has been stressful this week; at least twice this week I've skipped lunch and had something to eat at my desk instead. So I was pleased when I weighed myself yesterday and found I'm now down to 207.2, which is a loss of 1.4lbs over the last week. Hmmmnn. I wish I could be ecstatic, but I'm scared the same scales will say something different tomorrow...or the day after... I'll hold off updating my ticker until I'm sure.

I'm actually sort of down. My best friend has now moved to a different country - he left last night and I saw him off to the airport. He initially didn't want me to see him off cos he thought I'd be really emotional, but I was good. On the way back I entertained his girlfriend (who I reckoned must be feeling a lot worse than I) and laughed and joked with her. But as soon as I was on my own on the bus I found myself crying and crying and not being able to stop. Thankfully it was a Saturday night and everyone was too drunk to pay attention to some weepy female on the bus. I guess people are so used to seeing weirdos in London so the sight of a crying person is like normal... I don't know.

I'm doing more research on hiking. I feel like a big part of my life is gone and I need to fill the hole. I've joined up to the Crusaid Walk for Life to be held in Hyde Park next month - it's only 10km which I reckon I can do standing on my head. Plus it's a good way of seeing how I can manage a planned walk.

My head aches, so I'm going to attempt to relax - I had a nightmare-ridden night last night sleeping in an awkward position on the couch (Don't ask me why).

I hope things are going much better for everyone else. I hope to be able to update things a lot more frequently over the next week. :eek:

Risty, thanks for your continued support. I hope things get better soon too.
 
Morning Rho! ~BIG HUGS~ I know how hard it is when a friend leaves. I'm sorry!! I am excited to hear you have entered into that 10K, YOU GO!! Maybe that will be the lift you need to get that matabolism rocking again for you. Stay positive and keep going, if you need to vent we are right here for you my friend!!
Kim
 
Hey Miss Ladybug,

Thanks for your kind words - I'm still numb about his leaving, but I hope to throw myself into work this week so I don't have to think about it.

I'm really excited about the 10K; I've been speaking to my friends about it and one of them has decided to join me! So I don't have to do it alone after all! Plus I'm raising money for an HIV/AIDS cause so it's win-win all around!

I've been venting so much recently that it just feels like I'm a fountain of negativity. I think the exercise will change that. I'm ready to be happy again, I think :)
 
We all go through those spells of grumpy, TRUST ME!! I had one not to long ago. But, we get through them, sometimes it just take a few days.
I think that's awesome your doing this for the HIV/AIDS foundation, COOL BEANS! I try to do a lot for the breast cancer reasearch if I can. I hope tomorrow is a really good day for you!! Later!
Kim
 
I'm sorry about your friend leaving. I'm glad you were able to stay strong infront of him and his girlfriend. I hope you're starting to feel a bit better though.

Good job on signing up for that 10k walk! I always wanted to go and do something like that, but I don't know how to even find out about something like that in my area.

By the way, there's nothing wrong with venting. That's what the diary is for! Better to let it out rather than hold it in!
 
Thanks Miss Ladybug and Risty,

I still feel like things aren't going too well, but I decided this morning to try to see things differently. I'm going to change what I can.

I've not watched my food as well as I'd have liked. Yesterday I ate sparingly throughout the day, not because I was dieting or whatnot, but my mind just wasn't on food, y'know. Then at night I realised I was starving, so I ended up having 2 bagels and a pan fried salmon fillet. If I'd planned my meals better I wouldn't have had so much carbs (cos all I had during the day was 2 bagels too!) and I'd have had more vegetables and fruits. I felt sort of ill afterwards - I don't know if that's mental or it's my body telling me I had too many carbs..

I also had my insomnia session last night. I guess I'm really worrying about stuff. I've got exams coming up, plus my dissertation, plus I start a new job in September so I'm having to go through all these health and security checks. Meanwhile I have my present job and so many deadlines coming up so I guess I just feel sort of overwhelmed at the moment. Exercise seems to be the only way I can de-stress, but I can't seem to get to the gym as much as I'd like, so I'm determined to be outside as much as possible. Little things like walking up the escalators make me feel better..

I spoke to my best friend on the phone today - he's getting used to the new country and making new friends. He's so good - it would take me a lot longer to make friends than him! Still, that was a positive side to the day, so I felt better about tackling my many projects.

I can't wait to do this 10K walk - I went into an outdoor sports shop over the weekend (my first time ever!) and I got so excited looking at all the outdoor equipment - the little stoves and the functional clothes, backpacks and whatnot. Plus I'm reaching my target slowly but surely so I'm really pleased. Oh, you can check out my site .

Good on you for the breast cancer research Miss Ladybug. I used to get really frustrated because I couldn't decide which charity to focus on, but then I decided I needed to tackle things one step at a time, hence HIV. It's amazing how much money can be raised by doing something as simple as walking!

I hope you guys are having a nicer time than me, but I think my luck will soon change. Ciao.
 
Hey,

I find that planning what I eat is very helpful too. When I don't plan I either have way too little cals or way too many. So I try to plan as much as possible so that I get an appropriate amount.

I hope that soon you'll be feeling good again. Even though you may not feel the greatest right now I hope you'll be able to keep going on your good eating habits (even if you haven't been watching lately, there's no better time to start again than now ;) ) Also good luck with your exercise, even if you don't have as much time as you'd like to go, I'm proud of you for doing all those little things like walking up the escalator. Little things add up!

So when exactly is this 10k walk next month? I'm so excited for you!
 
Hi Rho

It sounds like you've got a lot of stressors right now. Hopefully things will ease up soon.

Oh life.

I'm glad your friend called. Isn't is wonderful to talk to people you miss terribly?

Well good luck on your dissertation ... I'm off to check out your site.

Yay for walking!!!
 
Rho, it sounds like things are easing up a little on you, I happy to see that. I hope your day today was better! :jump: I'll stop by tonight to check in
Kim:hug2:
 
Hello RhoRho, I just saw in my UserCP (I never saw that before!) that you had repped me at some point and I wanted to say thank you, and that your struggle is so similar to my own sometimes! You mentioned that day when you felt pretty angry and upset because of a huge number of factors which forced you to sit back and understand that you can't have control over everything, which of course made you angry. I understand completely. I get terribly upset often, though I have to say that since jotting down everything in my online diary I've gotten a bit better. With all of your responsibilities it is no wonder you're feeling that way. I absolutely agree with Risty about planning ahead regarding your diet. I knew what I was going to eat for the entire day when I woke up this morning. Maybe that's considered neurotic, (if my friends knew to what degree I obsess over my diet, they'd certainly laugh at me) but it's what I have to do, and I think that the more I focus and educate myself about what I should and shouldn't be eating, the easier my life will be and after a while I won't have to try so hard to understand the components of a well-rounded diet, I'll simply know. Also I want to say I totally admire you for participating in the 10k! I took part in a 5k around here a few months ago and it was a really cool experience. I felt surrounded by health-conscious people which was (sadly) was weird for me. It was contagious though and I know you're going to enjoy it and you should be really proud of yourself. I hope things become more manageable for you as well. Take care and try not to be so hard on yourself, you're doing a great job, and you're trying to lead a healthier life which is the best thing you could possibly do.
 
Hey Christina,

You are soo right. Planning what you eat is good on sooo many levels. I spent this last weekend working on my dissertation and eating, and I didn't really plan my food - just sort of ate when I felt hungry. By the end of the weekend I felt so guilty about it all. And then I thought back about all that I ate, and I realised I wasn't as bad as I thought. But I felt so guilty because I hadn't 'thought' about what I was eating.

Cshani me dear, you are doing so much better than me right now. I wish my life didn't have so many stresses, although I look forward to finishing this degree in a couple of months and just...living and enjoying myself. I still miss my friend like hell, but it's getting better because he calls me almost everyday and we still talk so I'm no longer so scared of him 'forgetting' me, if that makes any sense... I always was a weird one :)

Hey Miss Ladybug, things did ease up on me...slightly. I should make a proper entry to fill you in on everything that's been happening..

Hey Lukewarm, how're you doing?
You're welcome, by the way.. You know, I think that part of my problem is I'm sort of a control freak. I really DO like everything planned out properly in advance, and I get really frustrated when things don't work out the way I want them to. I also tend to bottle things up inside instead of just saying them and therefore relieving the pressure. I'm trying to change, but it's taking a fair while!:mad: I'm really trying to plan my food better, but I seem to be failing, which is really frustrating for me. The only consolation I have is that my exam'll be over by next week so I'll be able to think about non-academic and work stuff. Like me, for a change! I need to update my diary now...

Thanks guys... you really are sweet to me, even when I'm really harsh to myself.
 
Oh lordy me,

I finished at work half an hour early, which is why I'm writing this. I've hardly had any time to myself over the last week. It's crazy, it really is. You'd think I've been doing wild and exciting things - alas no! All I've been doing is completing my project proposal (which I've now sent off to my supervisor so she can destroy my work with a few caustic remarks) and working like a maniac.

The good news is I've taken the rest of this week off work. My exam is next Monday (21st) so I need all the time I can get to study. Have I thought of myself or my food? No! I've been a pig! A big fat miserable pig! Even as I say this a really small part of me is saying 'Hold up! You didn't do as bad as you thought. Just because you didn't plan everything down to a T doesn't mean you pigged out'. But most of me is crushing that voice, telling it, "You're the voice of weakness, you weakling you!". No, I'm not schizo or anything. Obviously.

Well, before I continue, I need to make a full and proper confession, eh. On Saturday I had my muesli to start off with (I really love them - I can't stand the commercial versions anymore so I guess that's something to be proud of..) and then I went off on a study bender doing yet more research for my project. Towards the evening I was starving, so I went out and got some Chinese (It's not like I didn't have food at home - I just wanted some sort of treat, I guess). I was going to get sweet and sour chicken, which has to be my all time favourite, but my conscience got the better of me and I went for chicken and mixed vegetables, which was sort of eurgh but oh well, it was Chinese. I also had mixed vegetable fried rice. I could have had plain boiled rice, but no! Rhoda had to go with the fried option.. To cap it all off, I had some squid (they say it was barbecued but the amount of oil left in the dish tells me barbecue my ass). But was that enough? Ha! Maybe it's because I wasn't having what I really wanted (i.e. my sweet n sour) I tucked into the little bag of prawn crackers they 'kindheartedly' gave me free of charge. I scoffed the lot! Then went back to study until 5am. I probably exceeded the calorific limit of 5 grown adults in that one sitting..

Ok, yesterday morning (or afternoon, I forget which) I woke up and wasn't in the mood for cereal (Sunday tends to be my cheat day so I guess it's becoming programmed into me). I still had most of the rice and chicken slop from the night before, so I had that for breakfast. Then I had 2 toasted bagels later on when I got hungry. I was so focused on my work I couldn't be bothered to eat anything more. But at night now, I got restless. So I made, yes, baked a chocolate soufflé, to satisfy my dark chocolate craving.

I don't know - I just feel sort of out of control at the moment, like I'm spiralling down towards something. I seem to just be watching myself from a distance. I don't think I've put on any weight, although tonight on the scales, I will know for sure. I'll also measure myself to see where I stand.

So that's my little tale of non-control and woe. I know things will be different once the exam is out of the way and I've only got my dissertation to work on (since I'll have handed in the proposal), but for now, I'm still trying to hang in there...somehow.. And all the while I'm seriously cussing myself. Why can't life be easier?! Maybe things would be different if I had a boyfriend..
 
Hey, I know how you feel. I haven't had the best few days of eating myself. In fact I also had chinese, but I didn't opt out for the healthier things. It was more like... chow mein, chicken balls with sweet and sour sauce, sweet and sour pork, a spring roll, bbq pork bun... see... even worse than yours! Because my bf and I ordered so much we made 3 meals out of it, which is kinda good because in the past we would have eaten the whole thing in one sitting. So I'm proud that we portioned it, but not that we got all that crap to begin with, lol.

Not only that though, there was 2 mother's day celebrations (for his mom and mine) and so the food on those days weren't good either... (one being pizza, ice cream, sherbert, cheetos..... and the other was tortilla chips with 7 layer dip, buns, meat, cheese, cake, cream puffs...) SO... overall I ate very horribly over 3 days.

I feel like I'm kinda getting out of control myself but the thing to remember is that just because there were a few moments of weakness it doesn't mean we're gonna continue it. We need to think positively over the situation and get back to our good eating habits. I'm really gonna try and eat well all week so I can deserve my treat on Sunday (my cheat day as well).

I hope that with all your studying you need to do and with the dissertation as well, that you'll be able to find some time to think about the food you'll eat and be able to plan it a bit. I also wish you luck on your exams and your dissertation. I hope that once those are done you'll be able to really focus on yourself and your health so that you can accomplish whatever goals you want!

P.S. Having a bf makes eating harder :p I know mine likes to eat all that stuff we shouldn't be eating and it's a lot easier to cheat when there's not only you that will be craving something bad, but someone else craving it as well. Sometimes I won't even be thinking of eating anything unhealthy and he'll be like... lets go here to eat, and then I'm all... OK! lol... So it's a challenge, but we're getting better... or at least trying :D
 
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Y'know Risty,

That has to be one of the most encouraging things I've heard: "Just because there were a few moments of weakness it doesn't mean we'll continue it". I think this neatly sums up the attitude I'm trying to develop. Rather than continue beating myself up over and over, I need to accept that it was a one-time thing, and I'll simply carry on with my healthy eating. It was never going to be easy - that's for sure. But the more I think about what I've accomplished so far the more I want to press on. The good news is I haven't gained any weight. The bad news is I haven't lost any weight.

You are such a great motivator!
PS: I see what you mean about a boyfriend making things worse. Still... I think it'd be great to have a health-conscious boyfriend who could motivate me in the right direction... But then, knowing me, I'd probably lead him astray :)
 
Oooh, I think there's something good going on...

A friend I haven't seen or spoken to in a while sent me an article on healthy eating ideas. I think I've been falling victim of the trap that I myself talk to people about - I haven't been as focused on researching healthy food ideas as I usually am. But the article was great - it had breakfast, lunch and dinner ideas! And not the usual lame ones about eating ryvita and other sawdust composites - real foods. I could feel myself getting excited as I read the articles. There's also snack ideas! I know! Who'd have thunk it? Some silly health magazine actually has good tips!

All those recipes are going into my collection. I think I might add pictures as well, to liven things up, y'know.. That way, when I'm feeling blue, feeling like I'm failing at this I can look at the recipes and think to myself 'Dang girl, you've got a life!' and carry right on.

I feel my 'zing' levels rising back up. I'm off to the gym tomorrow. Should be good. But for now, I've got to sleep!
 
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