Renewing my sense of worth. Again.

[Jess393]

Hiya Jess,

I dont know if you remember me, but I had written in your old diary, under the name... Nataliejo...

Of COURSE I remember you! Glad your back Nat, and please stay this time. I know that I NEED to stay, as this place keeps me accountable. Looking forward to sharing journies with ya

 

[Jess393]

OH MY GOD. I JUST watched the season finale of Dexter. Holy effing hell. I have goosebumps just thinking about it!! lol. I have been so focused on going to the gym and getting on this site that I have honestly not watched tv in about a week. I have some serious catching up to do

Today was a decent day. Meh. I take that back, lol. I was really crabby today for about the first half of it. Not enuf sleep, TOM, uggh. All these forces working against me. It got better tho, lol. Yayyyyy.

I have tomorrow off, and I need to do some serious cleaning. Bathroom, kitchen, laundry. Blah. Gotta do my bedroom too, but thats iffier. I have 800lbs of clothes all over the place. Why, you say, do I have them everywhere but where they should be? Ohhhh cuz I've gotten so fat that when I try to find something to wear and it DOESN'T fit, I throw it somehwere, lol. Good technique, eh? I have a feeling that some of these clothes WILL be wearable sometime in the freakishly near future tho. I'm good with that I have some cute shit, yo.

Food for the day:
b: cheerios with milk and fibersure- 180, 7f

snack: quaker bites- 90, 1f

L: lean cuisine- 300, 5f
atkins peanut butter cups- 160, 5f

snack: almond butter n jelly rollup- 330, 15f <--la tortilla shells. Only 100 cals and 12g fiber a PIECE. amazing.

after gym meal: veggies n cheese- 280, 4f <-- may actually be about 20cal higher, as I put in a little salsa. mmmm. defrickinLISH.
and one more atkins peanut butter cups- 160, 5f. <-- shouldn't have eaten two in a day, because tho theres no sugar, there IS sugar alcohol, and man oh man, you overdo sugar alcohol and you won't be feeling too pretty, lol.

Gym:
chest press, rows, assisted dips.
cardio: crosstrainer, 65min, 4.34miles.

I'm kind of excited, because the rest of the week, other than Friday morning, my shifts are all afternoon, so that means as late as I go to the gym won't impede on my sleep, yay! Friday morning tho, I hafta be at work at the pool hall at 8am- yuuuck. So Thursday night I'll hafta go to the gym just a wee bit earlier than the usual time.

Ohhhkkkay. I'm gonna head to bed. Gots lots of shit to get done tomorrow.

 

[alphaX]

I'd like to lose 55lbs, but overall would LOVE to lose 85. I'm pretty confident that it can be done- just gotta put some elbow grease into it, lol.

"Pretty confident that it can be done" is a phrase which leaves room for doubt.

"I will do it, come hell or high water" is the right attitude.

I know that you can do it, because I just did it. I lost 55 lbs in the past 5 months. I did it through sheer determination and absolute discipline.

Report back with your progress!

 

[grrrkgrrrl]

jess, i've been reading your diary but can you tell me CURRENTLY what's your ideal calories/day? and is there things you could change to see if those little changes help? i.e. dump the cheerios for brekkie and have something lower in kcals/higher in nutritional value or both?

sorry if u think i am butting in, just trying to give a helping hand x

p.s. i've only seen cheerios mentioned a couple of times so if they're a treat thing it's up to you

 

[Jess393]

"Pretty confident that it can be done" is a phrase which leaves room for doubt.

"I will do it, come hell or high water" is the right attitude.

I know that you can do it, because I just did it. I lost 55 lbs in the past 5 months. I did it through sheer determination and absolute discipline.

Report back with your progress!

4 years ago I lost 40 lbs in less than four months. I KNEW I could do it then, just as I know I can do it now. But that terrific attitude didn't stop me from gaining it all back after a horrible event. I've had to many "I WILL do it, hell or high water" moments in the past year, and I've gotten nowhere with them. I hear where your coming from, but right now, I'm focusing on one day at a time. Can't do anything more than that right now.

 

[Jess393]

jess, i've been reading your diary but can you tell me CURRENTLY what's your ideal calories/day? and is there things you could change to see if those little changes help? i.e. dump the cheerios for brekkie and have something lower in kcals/higher in nutritional value or both?

sorry if u think i am butting in, just trying to give a helping hand x

p.s. i've only seen cheerios mentioned a couple of times so if they're a treat thing it's up to you

I always appreciate a helping hand as I've said a few times thru here, I'm eating about 1800 cals per day. I've had a few days where I go over a few hundred, and a day or two where I fell a little short. In the past I lost tons of weight eating 1200cals per day. WAY to little for me. I need to start at a higher number so that when my weight starts coming off, I have some wiggle room with ditching calories.
As for cheerios- meh. I have a huge box of em, lol, and normally I eat Fiber1 cereal, but somedays the cheerios sound tasty too. They may not have an incredibly large amount of nutrients, but they aren't overly high in sugar and fat either, which is great.
I'm staying away from greasy foods, and trying to stick with "healthier" versions of sugary stuff, ie- gelato instead of ice cream, atkins pb cups instead of the real thing, lol. I gave up pop and fast food over four years ago when I lost all the weight the first time, and I haven't gone back to it yet. At that point, I've made just about all the changes I can make, lol!!

 

[Jess393]

Todays been a day so far. Jeessssus. Both of my bosses called me to see if I'd work. Absolutely not. I work my ass off for weeks on end, so when I get a damn day off, I'm using it. Besides that- the one job that pays more schedules me three to four days per week, and then on the days they DON'T schedule me, call me to work anyway, and then get pissed if I'm working at the other place. Eff you. Don't assume I'm not trying to earn my money elsewhere since you can't just put me on a damn schedule full time. I don't make sooo much money that I will put up with that shit. The other job- well, we just moved to a new location, haven't gotten a lot of our customer base back yet, and money is realllly tight. I haven't been paid in almost two months. I've worked for him for almost five years tho, and thats why I'm not entirely worried- I know that when it gets better my boss will totally take care of me for putting up with it. But he tells me the other day guy quit today, and would I like more shifts since he knows I don't really like my other job. Welllll, that sounds great, but i can't work for free now, can I?? Then my sister calls, who works with a friend of mine, and says- oh, well you need to call Dominica(the friend) because shes having surgery tomorrow. Well thats great. Why didn't SHE call me? Shes pissed because I can't/won't hang out with her alll the friggin time now because I work so much, and go to the gym every day. It also doesn't help that she is a terrific cook. Of ALL BAD FOODS. Shes a sabatour(sp?), "oh its ok, you won't ruin your diet by just eating oneeeee bad meal." Whatever. I want to be healthy. Shes got two kids with a third on the way, and shes extremely overweight- like 250 at 5'3''. Her excuse for not trying? "I've GOT my husband. I don't need to worry about attracting anyone anymore." nice. well, glad you're worried bout being around for your kids longer. I'm just sick of hearing from everyone what I could do to benefit them, without any of it in return. I'm effin sick of it. I'm finally back to where I give a shit about me, and noone can respect it. Jesus h. Whatevv. Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm gonna clean my damn house today, work out as hard as I can tonight, and be normal old Jessie tomorrow. Eff the world.

 

[Jess393]

VERY tired, so this is a basic post.

Food:

b- total with skim milk- 225, 4f

snack- 2 cinnamon bears(lol- I took super tiny bites to make it last)- 65, 0f

l- bean and ham soup- 360, 16f

snack- 2 more cinnamon bears(happy to report my sister took the rest, so there are NO more available ) 65, 0f

s- michelinas pizza snacks with sour cream- 500, 4f <-- not the greatest meal in the universe. Just wanted something quick and easy and still tasty, and they were in the freezer door...
and one pack atkins peanut butter cups- 160, 5f

after workout: turkey in broth with rice- 420, 2f

total cals: 1795!!!! Yay, finally got right at where I've been trying to be at
Total fiber: 31g. damn near perfect.
total water: 66oz. Room for improvement.

Gym:
my sister ACTUALLY came to the gym with me tonight, was a little surprised, lol. Shes this uberskinny little thing(huh. family genes were nice to her ) and in a slightly mean way- its nice to know when a person can be more than 100lbs heavier than someone they can STILL be in better shape, hahahaa! Its all good tho, she'll get into shape eventually too.

Off to bed. Work 1-10 tomorrow. Gonna get another killer day in tomorrow!

 

[grrrkgrrrl]

As for cheerios- meh. I have a huge box of em, lol, and normally I eat Fiber1 cereal, but somedays the cheerios sound tasty too. They may not have an incredibly large amount of nutrients, but they aren't overly high in sugar and fat either, which is great.
I'm staying away from greasy foods, and trying to stick with "healthier" versions of sugary stuff, ie- gelato instead of ice cream, atkins pb cups instead of the real thing, lol. I gave up pop and fast food over four years ago when I lost all the weight the first time, and I haven't gone back to it yet. At that point, I've made just about all the changes I can make, lol!!

if you can do it it's great for some reason i am an -all or nothing- kind of person that's why i have banned everything from my house at the moment. if i had a box of cheerios they would be gone waaaaay before my special K would hahahahah

more importantly than diet, i need to teach myself moderation-->which i suck at currently.

 

[alphaX]

more importantly than diet, i need to teach myself moderation-->which i suck at currently.

Moderation is, indeed, the key. Don't deprive yourself, though, or cravings will take control of you.


During the week:

When I get the urge for a snack - I take one square (15 grams) off of my dark chocolate bar in the cupboard. I eat one walnut, one pecan, and one hazelnut. I have one glass of wine, measured at 150 ml (one bottle should last me Sunday-Thursday).


During the weekend:

I drink and eat more or less what I want, except for grains and potatoes (which are banned), and I always watch that the sodium level doesn't go above 1500mg per day or I will be bloated for 4 days afterwards. Even on the weekend, I find that I still can not fit very much food into my stomach at one time.

 

[mrskt20]

Sounds like you had a great day Jess keepup the good work girlie!

 

[Natsky]

OH MY GOD. I JUST watched the season finale of Dexter. Holy effing hell. I have goosebumps just thinking about it!! lol. I have been so focused on going to the gym and getting on this site that I have honestly not watched tv in about a week. I have some serious catching up to do

Today was a decent day. Meh. I take that back, lol. I was really crabby today for about the first half of it. Not enuf sleep, TOM, uggh. All these forces working against me. It got better tho, lol. Yayyyyy.

I have tomorrow off, and I need to do some serious cleaning. Bathroom, kitchen, laundry. Blah. Gotta do my bedroom too, but thats iffier. I have 800lbs of clothes all over the place. Why, you say, do I have them everywhere but where they should be? Ohhhh cuz I've gotten so fat that when I try to find something to wear and it DOESN'T fit, I throw it somehwere, lol. Good technique, eh? I have a feeling that some of these clothes WILL be wearable sometime in the freakishly near future tho. I'm good with that I have some cute shit, yo.

Food for the day:
b: cheerios with milk and fibersure- 180, 7f

snack: quaker bites- 90, 1f

L: lean cuisine- 300, 5f
atkins peanut butter cups- 160, 5f

snack: almond butter n jelly rollup- 330, 15f <--la tortilla shells. Only 100 cals and 12g fiber a PIECE. amazing.

after gym meal: veggies n cheese- 280, 4f <-- may actually be about 20cal higher, as I put in a little salsa. mmmm. defrickinLISH.
and one more atkins peanut butter cups- 160, 5f. <-- shouldn't have eaten two in a day, because tho theres no sugar, there IS sugar alcohol, and man oh man, you overdo sugar alcohol and you won't be feeling too pretty, lol.

Gym:
chest press, rows, assisted dips.
cardio: crosstrainer, 65min, 4.34miles.

I'm kind of excited, because the rest of the week, other than Friday morning, my shifts are all afternoon, so that means as late as I go to the gym won't impede on my sleep, yay! Friday morning tho, I hafta be at work at the pool hall at 8am- yuuuck. So Thursday night I'll hafta go to the gym just a wee bit earlier than the usual time.

Ohhhkkkay. I'm gonna head to bed. Gots lots of shit to get done tomorrow.

Just thought I would drop by and say and big "Hello!!! Anyways.... I feel you on the clothes. I just try it on and throw it somewhere. Sometimes I hang them back up, but I wont throw them out. The shirts cost about thirty to forty dollars. I havent bought anything really good since two years ago, when I started gaining the weight back, but I have lost from 297 to 280.8 pounds and I looked horrid at this point. I want to look nice, even though I have all this weight. I figure once I lose some more and they get bigger I will give whatever is big to the Salvation army. Big girls in need always need beautiful shirts and I never get stains on my shirts, but watch now. I will. lol

but your doing good hun. Keep up the good work. I have yet to cut out the diet soda. And Dunkin Donuts, well I dont eat much donuts, but the Vanilla bean is awesome, must cut that baby out. I have figured out how to make my own coffee. Even though that might not be a good thing. But I only have two cups a day, two cups of soda and shit load of water.

let me just say, thank you for writing in my diary. I felt lonely lol I dont think peeps are writing because of my title. I am just being honest. Part of my problem is ani_mia. Ive suffered all my life. And it has caused a major life crisis.

but thanks hun
and keep trecking ...
I know ... you can do this ...we can do this ... we are ALL in it together


keep trecking
always
your friend
natalie jo

 

[Jess393]

I havent bought anything really good since two years ago, when I started gaining the weight back, but I have lost from 297 to 280.8 pounds and I looked horrid at this point. I want to look nice, even though I have all this weight. I figure once I lose some more and they get bigger I will give whatever is big to the Salvation army. Big girls in need always need beautiful shirts and I never get stains on my shirts, but watch now. I will.

let me just say, thank you for writing in my diary. I felt lonely lol I dont think peeps are writing because of my title. I am just being honest. Part of my problem is ani_mia. Ive suffered all my life. And it has caused a major life crisis.[/B]

I agree, lol. Big girls deserve nice shiz! And yeah, when I finally get to a happy weight, some other chubby chick is gonna be soooo happy with my clothes, lol.

As for writing in your diary- hey- thats what everyone is here for, the extra support. Give a little, get a little. You've ALWAYS been good at letting other people know how great you think they're doing, and thats exactly what I'll do for you. Keep it up, lady. We got this. Not gonna lie tho- I don't exactly know what ani mia is... maybe I'm just stupid, lol.

 

[Jess393]

Work was sooo long today! Dannng. I'm beat too I just wanna sleep. Still need to go to the gym tho, sooo gotta wake up, lol!
Schedule got switched tomorrow- I'm working 10am to 7pm, meaning I CAN'T sleep in, lol, and I can't go to the gym as late as I'd like to SO, I'm gonna get my nightly food/workout log put up, so that I don't hafta take the extra time to do it after the gym, and edit later.

Food:
b: turkey bowl-310, 2f

no snack.

l: turkey and provolone on wheat, no mayo, add mustard- premade sandwich. Unsure of cals, will say 450, ??f
Coleslaw- 170ish. ??f
peaches, low sugar- 80, 4f

no snack.

s: veggies n cheese with salsa- 360, 8f.

edit: after workout- almond butter with low sugar jelly on la tortilla shell: 320, 15f
3pcs weight watcher candy- 160, 6f

total cals for day: around 1850. good!
Total fiber: around 35ish. also good


workout: short night. 35min, 2.42miles on the crosstrainer.

so even measuring high(I think), I should have around 400calories left for the night. When I get home from the gym I'll probably have a la tortilla almond butter n jelly rollup, good protein, good fiber, and a satisfying end to the night

Lack of snacks due to the fact that I need to actually BUY some for work, lol. Right now I'm craving just anything with a zillion grams of sugar or fat nice. when I eat snacks, I don't have that problem, so tomorrow I'll get a box of quaker bites for my locker or something. we'll see.

 

[Jess393]

Worked. Took a nap. Went to the gym. Ate a coupla times. Yay.

Food:
b: fiber one with skimmilk- 245, 8f

snack: bear naked bar- 240, 4

l: coleslaw- around 170-200, ??f
4 chicken satays- 250, 0f
low sugar peaches- 80, 4f

snack: none. still full from lunch.

s: 2 turkey sausages, no buns- 240, 0f
1 apple with peanut butter- 460, 6f

afterworkout: la tortilla wrap with turkey, cheese, and lite mir.whip- 300, 12f

total calories: around 2015 if measured high. Too many.
total fiber: around 34g. good.

workout: various weights.
cardio: crosstrainer 65min, 4.28miles

work 8am to 10:30pm, 11ish tomorrow. gonna be a long day, and its 3am. goin to bed.

 

[brawny77]

Jess
I am proud of you for sticking with your committment to visit here almost every day!
Keep fightin the good fight girl!

 

[Jess393]

Jess
I am proud of you for sticking with your committment to visit here almost every day!
Keep fightin the good fight girl!

ohh I can't quit, too much at stake thanks for the words

 

[Jess393]

After almost 2 straight weeks of gym every day, I'm skipping tonight. Tho, I don't wanna look at it as SKIPPING. I didn't get to sleep till bout 330am this morning, had to wake up at ten minutes to seven am to be to work by 8am, and then worked straight thru till 10:30 tonight. Uggh. I know thats not a crazy amount of work, but I am seriously.drained. I worked at the pool hall first, and sat down for a few minutes and almost bounced my damn head off the counter, lol. How horrible. yeah, I'm pooped... I'll throw my food up on the journal and then I'm headin to beddddd. Will make my workout count tomorrow

there really wasn't any rhyme or reason to the food schedules, so I'm just gonna list and add.

bare naked bar- 240c, 4f
mini newtons- 130, 2
fiber bar- 120, 9
quaker bites- 90, 1
stuffed peppers- 300, 4
greek yogurt- 170, 0
yogurt raisings- 120, 1
soup- 320, 4
and last but not least- and I CRINGE to report it- 2 reeces peanut butter cups - 420, 2

total calories: 1910. Not to bad, considering I ate a lot of snacky things... the reeces was a weakness thing- I was SO tired at the pool hall that I bought them to keep me awake, lol. Afterwards, I just felt sickish.

Total fiber: 27grams. little lowish.

Tomorrow is suppose to be my day off, I volunteered to work 9am to 1pm. Oh well, little extra money...
Will be back to post tomorrows happenings!

 

[Jess393]

Did NOT work out last night. Went out, had a blast, didn't drink a TON, but DID drink too much. Afterwards, we went to dennys, and I split nachos with my sister. EFFING NACHOS. Psh. My day was going fabulously well before that lol. So, other than the drinks and the nachos, I was great. Grr. Gonna head to the gym in a little bit, will update later.

 

[Jess393]

So today was ok. Slept in till 1pm cuz we were out till almost 6am too old for that shit!! lol. So needless to say, didn't eat breakfast or lunch or whatever ya wanna call it cuz I had to work at 2. Didn't get my first 15min break because it was SOOOO freakin busy, so then didn't get a snack. At lunch- ate chicken noodle soup, coleslaw, and low sugar peaches. Decent was pretty proud of myself. Later break, didn't eat a snack cuz my stomach hurt. Huh. Wonder the eff why?! lol. could be the booze and late night grease.. ugh. Came home from work at 10:30pm, ate 2 turkey sausages for 240 cals(no buns), and one serving of exotic chips for 130cals. Was doin good-ish today. Problem: Christmas candy. Ate about 76542234 servings of chocolate. THIS would be why I can't keep junk in my house. Not that I don't have a little bit of self control, but since I didn't really keep up with all my daily snacks and shiz today, I just binged on it. Normally in the past, if this were to happen, I would say "fuck it" its already ruined. BUUUUTTT I wentto the gym. Didn't want to, not gonna lie. Taking two days off was a bad move. I knew that it would be. But I'm goddamned determined to stick with this, its time that I ran my life the way I want it to be run, not the way my body thinks it should be run. The life story of anyone: Be born. Go to school. Try to be successful. Meet someone. Maybe have kids. Have grandkids. Die. We all know our ULTIMATE destination; I'm determined to get to that destination happy. I'm scared as fuck that I'm gonna die a person that I never wanted to be. I'm at the point where I'm not willing to let that fear control me anymore. Yeah, I ate way to much chocolate today. Yeah, I boozed it up last night, TONS of empty calories. Realistically, I KNOW that I'm able to work a little bit harder to make up for transgressions. <--- haha. what a tiger word. I've given up to many times. I feel that this is my last option to get shit right. The last option to make my "lifestyle" change. Can I still eat chocolate? Yep. I'd die without it. Can I still drink? Yep. Just gotta learn how to have fun without as much of the liquid courage. Can I skip a workout? Yep. I may hafta run faster, pedal harder, sweat longer, but I can do all of the above and more. We all can. And I WILL.
Wowww. SO, got that outta my system, lol! Heres my gym time:
No weights, gotta get up early in the am, didn't get to the gym till pretty late. MY FAULT. dammit.
Crosstrainer- 65min, 4.24miles. <---Slower than the last few times I've done my cardio. I made the mistake of reading a magazine the first 20-30min. Amazing how dizzy a person can get doing that, hahahaha!

Hectic week, this one. Work every day till Christmas. STILL haven't bought a damn present. Tons of bills due. uggggh. On the upside: I'm glad I'm into this before the start of the new year, ya know?? It doesn't feel so much like a "resolution" as a decision.