(Re)new Journey

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Exactly, LaMaria! Usually it seems like weight is all the doctor will talk about, leaving me feeling embarrassed and frustrated. Yesterday it was like my weight was an afterthought... and that made me so happy. Many women with PCOS are overweight, something to do with insulin, I think. For whatever reason, I have been able to get around that so far. For that I am so thankful, but I still have other obstacles to tackle, unfortunately.

I wrote this morning that I was feeling very lazy but I managed to get myself up and to the gym. I did a BodyPump class and it was great. I have been wanting to incorporate more weight lifting into my workouts, since I do a lot of cardio and running/walking. I am still very much a newbie when it comes to weights, having to guess how much to put on the bar, etc., but I really enjoyed it. I then came home, had lunch, and did some stuff around the house. I'm not sure what it is but I felt like I could eat my entire kitchen today. I kept it under control though: 2 hardboiled eggs and watermelon for breakfast, grilled chicken and pineapple for lunch, then one serving of tortilla chips and salsa for a snack, and lastly a banana later on. I don't know if I am eating enough for the amount of exercise that I do but it's not like I'm physically hungry (rumbling stomach). I just FEEL like I could eat more but I don't want to over eat. Very frustrating for me. Anyway, I then ended up running a 5K this evening once it cooled off a bit. The humidity was really high and I struggled a bit but I managed my best 5K time!!! My pace was 11 min, 4 secs per mile.

Tomorrow night is step class and I am super excited to get back to it after not being able to make it the past 2 weeks! The rest of the week I am looking forward to sunny weather and being able to swim a bit. That'll probably be a good idea for a low impact exercise since I have been a bit tough on my body these past few days with a lot of exercise.
 
Ooo a new time on your 5k, congratulations! Good to hear you´re taking care of yourself and listening to your body (both for signs of hunger and regeneration).
 
Thanks, LaMa!

I am kind of disappointed because there is a race this Sunday (5k and 10k) that I would like to run but I can't because I have no one to run it with! I wouldn't be against doing a race by myself but for my first race, I think I would be sad to have no one to share my excitement with. I have been wracking my brain, trying to think of someone who would want to do it with me, but it's tough because this weekend is a holiday weekend. Oh well, I'll have to look for others later in the summer.

Today I woke up feeling pretty good. I am still very sore from all of my workouts but I actually don't mind it because it reminds me of all the work I am putting in to get my body in its best shape. Ran into the same problem this morning in that I wanted to eat everything in sight. Managed to keep it under control with blueberries and watermelon for breakfast, with only a few m&ms. I swear I wouldn't eat them if my parents didn't have them around! Then I had a homemade popsicle (water and fruit blended and frozen). I had to leave the house because I was afraid of the damage I would do in the kitchen otherwise. Brought my laptop to my local library to apply for jobs and was quite successful with that. I am not usually ravenous so I think it's just because I am spending more time at home, being off of work for the week and all.

I am headed home now for some lunch. Probably a turkey burger and I'll try and sneak in some vegetables if I can convince myself. Step class tonight!
 
Yesterday I needed to get out of the house so I went to the gym early to walk a bit on the treadmill before step class. Sometimes I'm not sure where I get the energy from but I just embrace it. I walked for 25 minutes and then gave myself a few minutes before class. It was a great class. It is amazing to me, when I check in with myself, how much easier the class is now that I have shed some baggage and added some muscle. Of course I can keep the class at my level by tweaking the moves a bit, so it's great.

Today I laid by the pool a bit. I tried to do a little exercise in the pool but I'm not exactly sure what that is supposed to look like haha. I suppose I can look up some ideas on the internet. I'd like to do something a bit more interesting than just doing laps back and forth. After some lunch and laundry, I laced up my sneakers and hit the pavement for a run. Unfortunately I only made it 1.75 miles before I really needed a restroom. Sorry TMI but I must have had too much water too close to my run. I had to go out of my way to stop by a fast food joint to use the restroom. I also had 3 cheeseburgers and a large french fry. Totally kidding!!! I would not eat that crap if someone paid me! Then my running flow was just shot so I walked the rest of the 6 miles. Still a solid workout as it was nearly 80 degrees. I don't think I had much run in me today so the walk was perfect.

I have been trying to drink green tea lately, as I hear it helps with weight loss. Not only that, it is helping me with my water intake since I can be stubborn about drinking water during the day. I don't drink anything else aside from water and green tea. I do enjoy the taste so I will try and keep that up!

This weekend coming up is a big holiday weekend so I am a bit nervous about what the food is going to be like. I am not sure what my plans are yet but I'm sure I will be at at least one cookout where there will be temptations. I feel pretty confident with my self control but I am only human. I will try my absolute best to be good! Aside from that, I am starting back up with work on Tuesday. I will be working 7:30am - 11:30am. I am actually really looking forward to getting back on a schedule. I think it will help me with the pickiness and temptations to want to eat my whole kitchen. This week has been tough, being at home a lot but I've managed to do okay. I do better with structure so I think getting back on a schedule will be good for me. My plan is to eat breakfast at home (or on the way since I will be walking to work) and also pack a snack to eat while at work. Then I will be out just in time for lunch at home. I'll have the remainder of my days free to be by the pool, hit the gym, go to my classes, etc. Really looking forward to it!

Lastly, I scored a job interview for tomorrow and I am super excited for it! I know this isn't weight loss related but I can't help but recognize how my recent weight loss (and confidence GAIN) are going to impact my interview skills. I am a teacher and desperately need a full time job for the fall. I am generally confident with my interview skills but I have no doubt that I will walk into the interview tomorrow a different person than I was last year at this time when I was interviewing. Weight loss aside, I have such a better outlook on things and I am really hoping that it shines through tomorrow. If I can secure this job, it will change a lot of things for me and I am crossing my fingers hard!
 
I have my fingers crossed for you kakes. These diaries are not just about weight loss. I think losing weight can help build your confidence & self-esteem. I know it has for me. I feel a different person to what I was when I weighed 32 kg more than I am now. Knowing that you can change your situation is empowering. GO YOU! :D
PS I love your sense of humour! (Burgers & french fries)
 
Fingers crossed here, too! I know we shouldn´t make our confidence dependent on our weight, blabla, but it certainly helps!
 
LOL Cate, I have to use humor or else I might just go mad sometimes. :)

The interview went well but one can never tell with those types of things. I will know if I got a second interview this coming Wednesday.

Today has not been my best day. I didn't sleep well last night because I was stressing about the interview. I was up at 6:30am and just a bit mentally drained by the time the interview was done at 9:30am. On the way home, I stopped at the mall to buy a few tank tops because mine seem to be a tad big on me. Once I got home, I did not feel well and decided to take it easy. I usually am not one to nap but I slept for at least 2 hours. I think it is just what my body needed.

After my nap, I was able to hit the gym. 30 minutes on the elliptical, 15 minutes on the rower, some stretching, and some weight machines. It was quite hot and I sweat a good amount. I also felt more confident using the machines, despite all the muscle-y people around me. It had been my stomach that hadn't felt great earlier in the day so when I got home I was ready for some food! I had some grilled chicken with my favorite salsa and a string cheese, with some green beans. Filled me right up and hit the spot.

141.9 on the scale today.... and that means that I have now lost 30 pounds since I started this new lifestyle. That is about 10 pounds per month for the last 3 months. I am very proud of myself and all of my hard work. I truly feel like a different person. Perhaps the same person, just a whole lot healthier and happier. Originally my goal weight was 135 and that is getting closer and closer. I can't believe it! I honestly don't remember the last time I was in the 130s but I can't wait to see the 130s on the scale. It seems that it is getting a tad tougher to drop the weight lately but I think that is due to doing more 'lifting' (weights) in the gym, instead of just cardio. I have worked hard on learning to accept that it is not all about the scale. My clothes getting looser and having to buy new clothing is a great reminder of all of my hard work and a reassurance that it is paying off. I know I am doing all the right things and will continue until I reach a weight/size that is comfortable for me to maintain. Then, I will need to find a balance of eating and exercise to maintain my weight. At this time, I am thinking it will be around 125-130lbs, but that will remain to be seen once I get closer to that. I know my body can change A LOT still in these last 15 (ish) pounds. I will try my best to keep my focus on being healthy! As many have said, this isn't a sprint or a marathon, it is a lifestyle change!
 
Girl you are doing SO well! Stressing over an interview, not sleeping enough and then deciding to give your body rest and healthy food instead of consoling it with chocolate? That´s filled with so much win.
 
Thanks, LaMa! I certainly am taking this one thing at a time. It's tough but is also SO worth it!

Today I indulged a little at a family party. I had a banana and blueberries for breakfast at around 9am. Then I wasn't able to eat until 2pm because that's when the food was being served. By that time I was just about starving so I was a little afraid of the damage I would do. I ended up eating a few pieces of cheese and crackers and (probably about) 6 bite size pieces of kielbasa as an appetizer. Once the real food came out, I had about a palm-sized helping of salad (lettuce, tomatoes, celery, and cucumbers) with lite caesar dressing and a cheeseburger with no bun. First time eating red meat in more than 3 months! I was tempted to have the bun but I managed to talk myself out of it. For dessert, I had a small brownie-type dessert, and by small I mean it was probably two square inches. I would have loved to eat the entire tray, however. I options that I managed to avoid were potato salad (loaded with mayo), a pasta salad with all kinds of stuff in it (including bacon), baked beans, and chips (both tortilla and potato) among other things. Overall I think I did pretty well. I wish I hadn't eaten the crackers and cheese and kielbasa because that was just me picking at food for no reason. At that point I was REALLY hungry so I will forgive myself and move on. Oh, and I avoided drinking alcohol because I don't need those carbs, that's for sure!

I got home, changed quick and immediately went out for a run. I knew that if I sat down, I probably wouldn't have wanted to get up. I ran the first half and walked the second half of a 10k.

Tomorrow is another family party, and it is at my own house. I am hoping to keep my eating under control. I find that the biggest problem is me picking at food outside of the actual meal. I know we are having watermelon so I will try to keep my picking limited to that. Aside from that, I will be sure to pay attention to my choices and portions and not go crazy. I am hoping to get to the gym or get a run in before the party.

Right now I am feeling very bloated, perhaps from the wheat in the crackers that I ate earlier? Could also be from the amount of water I chugged when I got back from my run. My stomach feels crazy big right now so I'm hoping that goes away soon. My stomach is my biggest problem area and the cause of a lot of frustration.

I am off to relax for the rest of the night... my body is quite tired from a long day in the sun and a long run/walk. I am definitely looking forward to the rest!
 
Wow. I thought I was hard on myself!
Kakes2 said:
because that was just me picking at food for no reason.
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No, it wasn't kakes. It was you, ravenous. I think you did VERY well. You showed great self-restraint & then you got home & walked/ran 10km.
Awesome! xoxo
 
Cate and LaMaria, you are so right. I am my own worst critic and always second guessing every little thing. I am a "thinker," constantly overanalyzing every little thing (if you couldn't tell that by now, I'd be surprised haha). I most definitely do that with my food choices and so wish I could relax a little. Unfortunately, it is giving me anxiety, even today.

As I said yesterday, we are having a cookout at my house today. I made sure to get up semi early and get some form of exercise in. I walked 3 miles. I did not have a run in me, and that was fine because I ran yesterday. My hip flexors have taken quite the beating over the last few months so I have to listen to them. Not to mention, my body is just tired today. I also didn't feel like going to the gym, so a walk it was. Check that off the list. I come home and I am asked by my mom to make brownies and deviled eggs. I was a little offended, since she knows that I really don't want to be eating those foods. The foods aren't for me, but still! I decided not to say anything and just be a good helper. Halfway through making the eggs, my mom realized that I had used some of the eggs that she was going to use for the potato salad (are you seeing a theme of bad foods here?), but she wasn't mad. I was a tad ticked off, so I made a comment about the fact that I'm being asked to make food that I can't eat. My mom then said, "I don't think it'll kill you to eat some of these foods today." Well, she is right about one thing: it certainly will not kill me. However, I just don't want to be around these foods, especially in my own house, especially when I am being asked to make them!

The bottom line is that it is "too close to home" sometimes and that makes it more difficult to avoid. I do really well in my day-to-day life of choosing good foods for me, but it's these outings and BBQs and vacations that are driving me crazy. If I took the mentality of letting myself "live a little" on each of these occasions, it would be really bad for me. They are every weekend during the summer! I guess I am living a tiny bit on each of these occasions and that doesn't seem to be damaging my progress too much. Again, I know I overanalyze a lot... but that's just me!

So as you can see, we have a lot of bad food in my house today and I can't get away from it. I made sure to cut up the watermelon, and I even asked my mom's husband to pick up another one while he was out. That way if I felt the need to indulge, the watermelon would be my go-to. I am going to let myself have TINY helpings of some of the food that speaks to me today, but I will not let myself go crazy. I don't want to be looked at as some health-conscious freak, but I do want people to know that I am serious about my goals and not willing to let myself back down in the face of some chicken wings and potato salad. They aren't worth it to me.

Just as a side note before I sign off to get ready for the day... yesterday at my family's cookout, I had a burger with no bun. My uncle (who knows I have been working hard) said to me, "A burger with no bun? Wow you really do mean business." That comment made me smile because he didn't say, "Oh just have a bun, will ya?!"

Have a wonderful Sunday everyone. I'm sure I will be checking in later on tonight!
 
It´s good to hear you have some supportive people around as well. I think trying either a small-to-normal portion of one food you wouldn´t normally have OR having tiny portions of several IS "living a little" on special occasions. At the risk of sounding harsh: if your mom is overweight she likely doesn´t have a good eye for what a normal amount of food would be, so try to ignore her commentary. About preparing unhealthy foods: my little sister loves to cook and bake for people, even though she often can´t try what she makes because she´s a vegetarian who´s allergic to eggs and nuts. It may actually be helpful to separate preparing and eating. Which doesn´t mean it wouldn´t be cool to swap one or two "traditional" dishes for something more healthy (and still delicious). I´m sure at least one of your guests will be thankful to be given a better option! Maybe you can plan that (with your mom) ahead of time next time?
 
I don't see eating unhealthy food as living a little UNLESS you really love them, in which case having a little would not hurt much at all. It must be very hard kakes, with your Mum's pressure, but your health & wellbeing is very important & I think you are doing very well. Good on your uncle! Be strong sweets & maybe your Mum might let up a bit on you. Being a Mum is hard. My first instinct is to offer food to my sons :blush5: but I must admit it's never unhealthy food as we don't usually have that in the house. Once upon a time though it was different. Persevere kakes, persevere. Your Mum should come around as I'm sure she would have your best interests at heart xoC
 
Today was quite the challenge for me. I guess I did okay with the actual meal (turkey burger(no bun), salad, one deviled egg, watermelon and two chicken wings), I tried to keep my portions small. However, when it comes to picking at food while waiting for the meal or chatting (chips, etc.), that's definitely my downfall. I found myself picking quite a few times. I probably didn't have more than a serving collectively, but it was unnecessary picking out of habit/boredom. I also had a few pieces of shrimp cocktail and a small brownie. There were lots of temptations that I avoided (potato salad, pasta, more desserts, etc.) but at this point, that isn't good enough for me.

I am feeling very "blobby" right now and I don't like it. I honestly feel like I gained about 5 pounds today and I am petrified to step on the scale tomorrow. The best I can do is accept it and move on. Tomorrow I am ready to get back on track with my eating. I know I need to hit up the grocery store and get food that is safe for me to eat without the constant worrying. I am ready to put this day behind me, but I can't help but get stressed out about the next time that there is an event or BBQ. I'm not even sure when that will be, but I am already stressed about it! I need to find a happy balance so that this doesn't keep happening!

Goodnight!
 
You WILL likely be heavier tomorrow morning, as you´ll be bloated, but that extra weight will disappear as quickly as it came. What helps for me, at social functions, is to have no-calorie or low-calorie drinks at hand. You can distract your hands with a glass of water (prettied up with some cucumber/herbs/lemon slices) as well as with pretzels. It´s a learning curves, Kakes, and finding the balance between eating clean and knowing when to relax the reins a bit (and when that´s worth it!) is really the master level.
 
Very true, LaMaria. I think it must take a very skilled person to know how to balance all this stuff. I am still at the very beginning of figuring this out so it's okay that I'm not perfect at it. I need to be a little easier on myself and think of it as learning or training as I go.

Today I am feeling more optimistic about things. My sister asked me to go for a walk this morning, and although I wanted to just stay in bed, I said yes. She is very overweight so I want to encourage her as much as possible, and of course get a good walk in myself. We ended up doing 4 miles. Great way to start the day. Since it is a holiday, my gym is closed but the other branch in town was open. I decided to give that a try, but unfortunately there weren't a lot of options for machines. I didn't want to do cardio (as I already do enough of that with my walking and running) so I grabbed some free weights and did some work on my arms. The place was practically empty so it was a nice time to try something new.

The scale read 143.8 this morning, which is up from the 141.9 I saw the other day. I'm not going to read too much into it, since I know where those (almost) 2 pounds came from. Moving on with my life and looking forward to getting out of the 140s and into the 130s! I went grocery shopping so I am set for the next few days. All I can do is be better with my food choices and continue to move my body as much as I can... and I will be well on my way. This process is not easy at all. It has its challenges and set backs, and I think I am currently experiencing my first major one. I will not let the old me win by giving up and throwing in the towel. There is no way I would let that happen. I still have so many milestones that I want to reach, both with my weight loss and my running, and I can't let a few minor slip ups get in my way.

So far today I've had fruit for breakfast, then I just had some salad for lunch. Tonight is looking like a turkey burger for dinner, perhaps with some salad or broccoli. There are still lots of picky-type foods around my house from the parry yesterday, so I will try to stay away from those. I wish I could just throw them in the trash, but unfortunately I can't do that. Life would be much easier if I could control the food in my environment, but I have to learn to adapt and resist those urges... no matter how hard they might be!
 
All of life is a test... But I really think you are improving your life in an amazing way. And I´m obviously not the only one, or your sister wouldn´t be wanting to get in on the fun. Well done both of you! She might make a very useful ally.
 
Kakes2 said:
Moving on with my life and looking forward to getting out of the 140s and into the 130s! I went grocery shopping so I am set for the next few days. All I can do is be better with my food choices and continue to move my body as much as I can... and I will be well on my way. This process is not easy at all. It has its challenges and set backs, and I think I am currently experiencing my first major one. I will not let the old me win by giving up and throwing in the towel. There is no way I would let that happen. I still have so many milestones that I want to reach, both with my weight loss and my running, and I can't let a few minor slip ups get in my way.
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I love this :D
 
Thanks LaMaria! You are right, I am improving my life. I feel like I have taken a million steps forward, and this past weekend was just a few steps back. Just need to get back on the train and keep it moving. I think it would be awesome to have my sister as an ally in this journey. I do think I have had some positive influence on her and I hope it continues. She struggles a lot and I'm hoping that when she sees some results, she will be motivated to keep it going.

I had my turkey burger for dinner and I am feeling better with my food choices today. It is amazing how bloated and gross I feel after this weekend though. I'm not sure if it's physical, mental, or both, but it's crazy how a few days of crappy eating can change your body. I feel so much better eating 'clean' food and I am going to stick to it as best I can. It is better for me, both physically and mentally, that's for sure. I am feeling lethargic today so I'm hoping this feeling passes soon. The number on the scale aside, I want to get back to feeling strong and not bloated!

After nibbling on a few Italian cookies (pizzelles, I believe they are called) that were left over from yesterday, I finally just dumped the rest in the garbage. I hope no one else wanted them! They were just too tempting for me and I couldn't have them around anymore. One less thing for me to worry about now :)

Tomorrow means back to work for me, and I am surprisingly looking forward to it after 2 weeks off. I want to be back on a schedule and have some sort of a routine. It helps me a lot with my eating and spacing out my meals. I will eat my breakfast first thing (about 6:45/7am) then I will bring a snack of fruit with me to have mid morning. I will also be sure to bring water with me to drink. This is a new job (only lasting 6 weeks) where I will be in a classroom most of the time. I will be out by 11:45am and then able to do what I please. Tomorrow I am planning on bringing my gym clothes with me so that I can head right to the gym for a PUMP class. I did the class last week and really liked it. A great way for me to incorporate weights into my routine. I will have to bring another snack with me because I won't be able to have lunch until 1:30pm or so. After that, I think I will get caught up on laundry and things, as it is supposed to rain. So that's my plan! Important for me to have it so that I am not finding myself unprepared and withering away!
 
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