Natalie jos new diary: Diary of ani_mia.

Hello everyone,

So my voice has been on here. So I figure my pics should be here too.

These are the photos at

280.2 pounds...

I will update every ten to fifteen pounds probably.

I have photos from when I was

320 pounds, but I am not going to put them up, but lemme say its a relief to not be that big, because my body almost couldnt hold my weight back than. I almost couldnt get off the couch. I hurt when I walked down one flight of stairs, my knees would almost buckle under my weight.

I am glad I have joinned this weight loss journey with all of you.

Thanks for writing ..and as usual reading ..and btw

my avatar is my sixth month old baby kitten... Madeline, or as we sometimes call her ..Maddie ..and there is a pic of her in the bookcase as well ..

she is a sweetie, yet a terror at the same time.

ttylater
love yas
Natalie jo :party:
 
Hey Nat-Jo; way to have a good day staying in your caloric range.

Oreo, Chewie, Maddie ... how many cats you got girlfriend? LOL

Stay strong.
 
2Skinny said:
Hey Nat-Jo; way to have a good day staying in your caloric range.

Oreo, Chewie, Maddie ... how many cats you got girlfriend? LOL

Stay strong.
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Thank you Lili for checking in. I trully appreciate you writing me and taking the time out to even ask me how many cats I have .. lmao

its good to talk about other things, other than food and weight all the time ... maybe a little overboard about the books, but for some reason I havent been reading ..could be because I have cut down on my klonopin, anxiety med, so my mind is always on the negative ..and than .... I have been icks all day ..except for when I went walking, but somehow I wish I had pushed myself more, u know ..but I felt like holding my fiances hand.. I walk about a block and half ahead of him when I am speed walking like .. crazy .. I look like a lune I am sure when I walk lol!!

but anyway I have Chewie who is twenty pounds and lives with my mom. She didnt like the apartment I moved in to. My mom is and will now not be living in this huge house.. so the cat was ..well upset and hid under the couch and she ended up losing her fur under .. on her belly ...so she is back with my mom, which was heartbreaking for me, but her hair is back. Unfortunately the problem is ..is I fed her diet science diet food ... with the naughty food and walked her through out the whole building ..it was fun.. I loved walking with my cat ...we would both be huffing and puffing on the last stretch ..but man she would take off on the last landing all the way to our door ..she even knew where our door was lmao

and than Oreo was given to us... and he died at five months ..of crystals ..in his bladder and they said it would cost five thousand to fix it and it would probably happen again and again five thousand and than just mix his body inside to be a female versioin of my male cat ..which I wouldnt have minded.. but the baby was in pain and I didnt want to put him through all that ... and I didnt have the money either ... so it was a heartbreaking day ..we lost our first pet together .. Derek was a mess and I was trully heartbroken ...
but we recieved Madeline a month later ..and I named her when I heard about her ..but we didnt get the one we heard about. WE recieved this feral cat .. lol with flees to the extent that the white sheets were covered in flee dirt .. icks ..ugh ...

so we took her to the vet ..she got her front line and started bouncing off the walls after a few days and been like that since. She has since found a way to jump from a tiny cooler to the top of the fridge..where I have a vase ..than she hides because immediately Derek comes over and gets her down ..but she hides behind the vase and fake flowers. Real flowers arent an option when you have cats, fore they think they are there to eat ..and for them only .. little cuties ..

but he is my pride ..she is so cute ..those are the pics of her .. I love the one when she was in the book case hiding from us ... not a good spot ... all we have to do is lean down, pick her up .. lol she now goes under the couch ..lmao ..she climbs the coats to the top of the door to the bathroom, goes over the top and comes down the inside of the bathroom .. lol

she is hillarious ..we are going to teach her ..as we taught Oreo how to go on a leash and harness and walk with me through the building and when I get mail ..but she does NOT like any of the cats in the building ..the other cats get along ..we need to get her used to peeps and pets ... she will be ok .. I love her ..hmm ...my baby..
ok I will stop now!! lol

ttylater hun
Thanks for stopping in hun
always
your friend
natalie jo
 
WillLose60 said:
Hey!

I am reading too! I just don't know what to say very often:( I hope you are doing well!

WillLose60
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oh thank you so much for writing .. WillLose .. its so hard being on my diary and no one writing ..thank the gawd ... lol

but its true ..its hard to know when to write when someone is having issues with their eating disorders and they outright write about it .. I just want to find a way to be healthy ..and through fitday and peeps writing I have found my way ...

I am very pleased with myself .. I can feel when I am hungry ..because I suck on my tongue ... its like withdrawals .. but I would love if you could just shout a hello .. Im not going to talk about the whole food thing again ...

I went through the negative ..now time to eat and move on ...lol

and walk and the occasional naughty food suits me well ...

thanks for stopping in

always
natalie jo :hurray:
 
Dear all,

I have realized just how depressing my diary has gotten. I am sorry for all the negative talk, its just I have been going through something great in my life. And death was a possiblity for me, now I know what I have to eat and how to do it. I dont care if I go over calories a little, as long as I am alive ... I will be happy reaching my proper weight. I thought I wanted to weigh 150, but thats my disorder talking. I only want to go down to 160 pounds. I was hot at 160 pounds. I liked myself than. Even 165 pounds. I have gone too far on my diary and I am sorry you had to walk into a food obsessed diary. But I was only trying to find away to eat with out cutting out my calories ...

I hope some people return to my diary at some point.

I will be postitive from now on. I have to say its wonderful to be alive! I love my life. and I am never giving up to becoming a happier and healthier me!

ttylater
always
natalie jo

Sedentary lifestyle: 2441 burned
Stroll through Rochester: 56 calories
Caloric deficit already:207+11: 218 caloric deficit already from cutting calories already.

And than what I ate today for calories: 2223

Total allowed, to allow deficit of 207= 2234

2234-2223= 11
207+11= caloric deficit of 218
plus burned total: 2441+56= 2497 calories

Should be consuming 2500, but I cut back to 2234, so I have a deficit of 207,

thus .. doing good peeps!! Losing the healthy way!! and loving it, because its going to stay off this time!! :)

Good stuff, so I just did a jaunt... I still worked off something on my day off. My jaunt worked off 56 calories, plus what you would burn as a sedentary person...add them together... and all the subtraction... even though I touched the chocolate ice cream bar .. I still took off my diet 218 calories.. with me its a feat until itself. Three weeks ago I was taking in three thousand calories and than most days around 1000 calories and gaining weight. Between anorexia and purging .. icks ..but now I am eating healthy, clear skin ... yessa!!. Now I am in the 2000s ... which I am supposed to be in for my height and size. For a day off I still had a deficit ..yippee!
another pound will bite the dust in a week.. yea!!

love yas
always
natalie jo
 
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Natalie- this diary is MEANT for everything! The good, the bad, and the downright aweful. I was upset a while back too, cuz it felt like noone was there for me in my journal, and it took me a bit, but I realized this: I'm here for me. I'm also here to support other people. Not everyone can show their support as often as they would like, but that doesn't mean they don't follow your thread to keep up on you- just check the views :) Also, like Willlose60 said- sometimes people don't know what to say. I suppose for the "old timers" of this forum like you and me it isn't difficult, but others hafta work their way up. Do NOT quit writing about what affects you in the negative ways, because thats how you deal with the journey. And trust me, I've read journals WAY more depressing than yours ;) I kid I kid! Chin up chica!

Good for you for putting up pictures! I'm a big wuss, not gonna lie. I only post the hot pics of me as my avatar :rolleyes: Tho I have been taking a face pic of me once a week; I call it the face diary :) Its to see any little changes over the course of my progress; even tho its JUST my face, it still gives me something to pay attention to.

Adorable kitty! I have 3. Ugggh. Love em, but damn. Shoulda bought stock in lint rollers. Shiiitttt. hahaha....

Keep up the great work Nat- you're being consistent, which at this point in the game, is the most neccessary trait of em all!
 
Jess393 said:
Natalie- this diary is MEANT for everything! The good, the bad, and the downright aweful. I was upset a while back too, cuz it felt like noone was there for me in my journal, and it took me a bit, but I realized this: I'm here for me. I'm also here to support other people. Not everyone can show their support as often as they would like, but that doesn't mean they don't follow your thread to keep up on you- just check the views :) Also, like Willlose60 said- sometimes people don't know what to say. I suppose for the "old timers" of this forum like you and me it isn't difficult, but others hafta work their way up. Do NOT quit writing about what affects you in the negative ways, because thats how you deal with the journey. And trust me, I've read journals WAY more depressing than yours ;) I kid I kid! Chin up chica!

Good for you for putting up pictures! I'm a big wuss, not gonna lie. I only post the hot pics of me as my avatar :rolleyes: Tho I have been taking a face pic of me once a week; I call it the face diary :) Its to see any little changes over the course of my progress; even tho its JUST my face, it still gives me something to pay attention to.

Adorable kitty! I have 3. Ugggh. Love em, but damn. Shoulda bought stock in lint rollers. Shiiitttt. hahaha....

Keep up the great work Nat- you're being consistent, which at this point in the game, is the most neccessary trait of em all!
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Hey Jess!! Thanks

I appreciate your words. You are right! Thanks ...
I read into your diary ... monte carlo huh lol sounds like a pretty big car, amazing ... wow .. I used to drive this huge car ... and I was in so many accidents in the parking lot. I am so much shorter than that damn car, I just tried to park it near the back lol

anyway ttylater hun
thanks again...
always
natalie jo :seeya:
 
So .. well there is more negative, but just for today, hopefull. Well, I am taking one less anti depressant Effexor, because the prescription wont cover the dosage. I also have to go two pills down on my Geodon. So this is going to be a bad few months. Probably put me on prozac to take care of the withdrawal syndrome that starts the first missed dose of Effexor.... I dont believe what a different this makes in my mind... I just ..wow ... I am so lost .. I am just wow .. I have to figure out how to deal with all these withdrawals .. I decided to not cut down my next dosage of klonopin. I am staying on four mg, while this is going on, taking myself off half off geodon will be hard. I literally cant get out of bed if I dont have it. Yes my body is very dependent, almost addictted to them. The Effexor raises my seretonin level where it should be. and I was good before these things started getting cut. You think they would understand I have been taking these meds for the past ten years, if I was going to die from overdose, I would already. The Effecxor has actually lowered my blood pressure to a nice level, before it was at 160 over like 75 .. not the highest it gets is 130/75 and when I do fifteen mile bike rides .. I end up with a blood pressure the next morning of 107/70 ..its crazy what a lot of exercise can do!! lol but it works.. .and now I am coming off of it ..so withdrawals will be heavy ... and My mom said to take the fourth pill of geodon away from my script now...so I can prepare for next month, because all they will give me is two pills and not the four ... the average person is on the highest dose ... which is two ...but I am a heavy rapid cycler and virtually a mess with out these dosages .. I have come far, been at the bottom of the barrel ..it will be hard going, but walking should raise my endorphins enough to cut down the effect ..it does help with the anxiety .. I am so happy after I walk outside ... it is awesome!

so walking it is, a lot, to try and recover from what is about to happen in my life ...med tweaks ... well its how it goes, just havent had it done for a few years .. u know ... it sucks ...

oh well

on another note.. I kind of .. no .. I did binge on the marshmallows that
Derek had in the freezer ... fifteen of them.. I did feel like shit, but they have no fat, but tons tons tons of calories ... but oh well ... cant turn back now ..its was because of the depression this morning .. it was horrid ... but a walk should do something and the weather is messy the way I am ..feeling the rain on my mouth and my head and face will feel good ..its always good crying when the sky is .. u know

ttylater
natalie jo :seeya:
 
My prescription is back to full dosage, my doc .. talked ...

My Effexor is back to full dosage, I should feel better by tonight. I took another pill, the third. And The happiness I feel is overwhelming.

I must say today has been one rollercoaster ride, especially since being off that third pill. But the company sent me a letter, saying they would cover the dosage in full. Good... I am feeling on top of the world. I will see about cutting my dose of Klonopin down once I see what they do with Geodon. I guess klonopin is easier to come off than Effexor, amazing. My depression med also helps with anxiety, so the double affect of losing both pills would be horrible. But now I dont have to worry, they are covering it. I am so happy!!


and water. I need to drink more water. I definitely do...

My eyes are getting very dry. But I have 16 ozs of water in front of me.. actually I have drank half, but I plan to drink it all night. I had apple juice earlier ... its awesome .. yum yum, wont be able to buy another frozen can of it until Thursday, not worried about that. My mom gets free bread, so she is getting my Rye bread, which is my favorite. Seeds. I love the seeds in the Rye bread. And also the Effexor is an appetite suppressant ... so ..that is a big deal too ..it doesnt help much in the fight against weight ... but it must help a little, but most of my fight has been self control, I didnt have much this morning, but now that it happened this morning .. I will remember and be more clear headed about what I choose and how much to eat .. I went over my want of caloric intake yesterday. Its been an icky day today, snow and rain. Wanted to go out, but with the depression and the sun not being out its been tough. It looked like the sun had never come out all day ..it was horrid ...

anyway its been a learning day, full of experience and now joy, that maybe not everything will go negatively in the future ... maybe things can be fixxed when thought broken ... Maybe there is hope in the world ... yes ... I have hope and I know I will be one pound down next week. Even just a few oz will make me so very happy. I can live with only a few oz... all I need is three ozs of and I am in the 270s again ... only 11.2 pounds to go and I am back to what I was oh so two years ago, very excited!!

ttylater
always
natalie jo :driving:
 
Hello all! I am actually ok with no one writing in my diary. I did a lot of thinking and Jess is right. I am here for me. I love writing in peeps diaries, because I want to give them support. I was kind of hoping peeps would write in my diary, but I talk so negatively. And thats what my older sister said. She doesnt want me to dump my problems on her. so I understand why a lot of you dont read or write in my diary, or dont know what to say. I have had problems with emotions and food in the past, but thats in the past.

I had a good today, finding out my meds were covered was such a .. moving thing for me. Because I am doing so well with these meds. I dont want them to be taken away from me. But I am blessed to have a sister who can be truthfull with me. I guess I am too dependent on others. And this is true. I need to be less dependent on comments, questions from other folks on the forums. I see a lot of people no writing on others diaries, and only write in their own, because they have no time, or just dont feel like it. I just like to support peeps and help people out. I actually go to the newcomers forum, to make sure everyone is welcomed. Because when you first start out it can be so hard, and people only viewing and saying hello a couple times when you are new to the forum can be discouraging. Mal was the first person I got a message from. She was always there. I miss her. I looked for her diary, only to find she hasnt written in it for a long time. I hope she reached her goals and is fine, but the last time I looked, it looked as if her world had bottomed out on her, which is to bad, because she is a force to be reckonned with .. a really wonderful person.

Anyway back to what I was saying.. I enjoy reading your diaries and writing in them and I am going to continue to do so. I will monitor what I write here, because as my therapist once said, dump it on me and not your friends. They get too dumped on and then you will lose your friends ..so alas I will always remember that. I am trying to be cool with my fiance. We have a good relationship. I push him out to do karate and I find the time alone is kind of nice. I clean .. I am going to start doing the cooking.

Speaking of

My portion control today was questionable in the beginning, because of the quick binge; however I picked up the pieces and have since cut down on portions from other parts of the day to make room and I see to be doing just find. I just need to add another seven hundred calories today and than I will be golden with a caloric deficit of two hundred and seven or so ..

Tomorrow I am walking, albeit slow, damn rains going to be heavy. But I am going, didnt go today, but I did go outside and get wet. I wanted to feel one with the elements. I love to meditate. I probably would like yoga if I was thinner in the belly and had better coordination, but I figure they have free yoga in Market Square and I am going to join it, once I reach my first goal of 240 pounds and I am heading that way.

If I lose one pound per week. I will be 267 by the time May comes. And I am working on that. Not going to do anything unhealthy. I love how healthy I am going with this and to learn a stroll for twenty minutes, slowly is 56 calories gone, well I plan to stroll tomorrow for an hour. Well maybe forty minutes, but I will be happy... going to take the route I have been taking when I speedwalk ..

should be good and I get to find out whether my jacket is waterproof, going to bring a small umbrella, but I know my bigger coat is waterproof. I wish my smaller coat was just as good as my big coat ... its comfy in both coats, its so warm and coze. And the great thing about the new coat, is it has this material that sticks out it you pull it around the arm and down over your hands, so I wont need mittens, but it will be in the forties... good stuff ..warm days always make me happy and tomorrow will be nice ..

ttylater
love yas
natalie jo :driving::seeya::coolgleamA::smash:
 
Sometimes it is a matter of not knowing what to say when visiting some diaries, keep working at it :)
 
Trusylver said:
Sometimes it is a matter of not knowing what to say when visiting some diaries, keep working at it :)
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thanks Trusylver... Tis true. Which is fine. I know people might not understand things I talk about like medicines that I take and an eating disorder, which I wont be really talking about anymore...

I will get used to nobody responding in my journal eventually, I was thinking of starting a more positive one, because I have been so negative in this one.. It might be a good idea ..

best wishes
natalie jo
 
Dear Journal,
Well I think I jumped to fast into this whole diary thing. Maybe I should have taken a couple weeks to decide what to do with this diary. What I would use this diary for. Its seems mostly negative.

Anyway, I guess Ive learned what family trully is. Your not supposed to dump on the ones you love. And I understand that to a point, but arent family members supposed to be there through thick and thin. But I guess Joanna is going through her own issues, my older sister. She actually dumps on my younger sister, who is a grad student for art therapy. A psychologist. And I guess Joanna uses her as a psychologist, so I seem to understand and I dont want to dump on lizzy, when she has to deal with Joanna, cause Joanna is a little out there. Her problems seem to far exceed mine ... lol ...

But anyway, so I gained two pounds back, but I think its water weight, because I only drank two cups of water yesterday. I didnt follow myself to the rule, which is drink water all day... I kind of drank some coffee, decaf, hazelnut with sweet n low and some one percent milk. And I drank some juice and maybe one cup of milk. But all in all it was a good day, night time .. not so much, but I am moving forward and once again will try to meet my caloric needs. Didnt quite eat all I was supposed to during the day and ended up not doing so well at night. So I need to figure out how to get the food in when needed. Today I am going to take a walk. Its absolutely gorgeous out ... its was supposed to rain and snow, but the sun is shining like a beacon in the sky and my world is awake to recieve it ... its so beautifuul out... Derek and I are going walking ... and than I am getting my new black glasses ... with the new lenses, finally .. yea!! I paid enough for them...

anyway things are going well today, was a little down earlier ..but realize all these things I was so down on ..dont really matter, but I am not going to be writing in anyones diary .. at least I dont think... I dont think I can ... oh well ...

well ttylater
always
natalie jo :party:
 
I am starting a new diary, or have started, if you wish to view it ..it is under Natsky diary, I wrote in it today as an introduction ..as a result I will not be writing in this one any longer ..it is long dead and time to move to a new me ..transformation is due ..

goodbye
natsky
 
I read your diary every day and comment when I have something relevant to say. But, in all honesty, as you commented a few posts earlier, I have no idea what you are going through with the meds. I've never had to take anything for any physical issues so I'm completely lost on the subject. I'm sorry you feel like no one is reading but I've kept up and still plan to and will occasionally have something spectacular to say, I promise.
 
Veronica said:
I read your diary every day and comment when I have something relevant to say. But, in all honesty, as you commented a few posts earlier, I have no idea what you are going through with the meds. I've never had to take anything for any physical issues so I'm completely lost on the subject. I'm sorry you feel like no one is reading but I've kept up and still plan to and will occasionally have something spectacular to say, I promise.
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Veronica its cool.. I am too complicated and I have made this diary too complicated. I allowed myself to let myself too much into this. And I am moving on from the old and moving into the new, transformation ..thank you for reading ..but I might respond to some peeps who write ..but I wont be using this diary, but thanks


bye
natsky
 
You do write quite long diary entries which makes it hard to keep up - on the other hand, if you feel you need to write this stuff down, you should for your own benefit.

Anyway I see you've had a mixed week - some days you feel went well, others that didn't. Keep going and try to make each day a good day. I've gone a bit off track this week SO this coming week I'm going to keep some fat ass. :D Care to join me? x
 
~Tutti~Frutti~ said:
You do write quite long diary entries which makes it hard to keep up - on the other hand, if you feel you need to write this stuff down, you should for your own benefit.

Anyway I see you've had a mixed week - some days you feel went well, others that didn't. Keep going and try to make each day a good day. I've gone a bit off track this week SO this coming week I'm going to keep some fat ass. :D Care to join me? x
Click to expand...

Definitely plan to join you!! I posted up the "Spring for April" challenge. Dont know if you will join, but would be happy if you did. I had fun in the VDAY challenge.

I finally put the new challenge up. We weigh in on Sundays, it will run to the fourth of April, what do you think?

I have been going through a rough time, but I am back and ready to kick some butt! Heres to a new lifestyle change, cheers!!:party:

always
your friend
Natalie jo
 
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