Brag it up Rae. You deserve it. Hey has there been any action on the "interested boys" front (dare I ask)? Anything new with Mr. Confusion?
Wow, this topic has got me so emotionally frustrated, Luscious. I was actually going to touch on it in my update, so I'll consider this my update for the day.
Mr. Confusion was actually the one who complimented me. I honestly cannot for the life of me figure out his intentions when it comes to me. I know he enjoys hanging out with me, which I'm flattered by, but the way he looks at me is different then the way my other boys look at me.
I'm scared to death to call him on it. And it's not like he looks at me like a hormonally ravaged teenager, which scares me even more to be honest, because if he *did* I'd be able to decipher the meaning and chalk it down to testosterone and convenience. Fact of the matter is, for the past couple of months, I've caught him looking at me, and it's not *at* me, but *at* me because he makes sure to catch my eyes before he turns away. It freaked me out at first, and I thought after a while it would just go away. Yet, my wishing has been in vain, and it hasn't and he still does it and I'm slowly finding myself being flattered immensely by it. He also called me 'Rachie' for the first time last week, and actually started to open up to me when we were talking. He's really beautifully emotional, he just doesn't show it as clearly as his brother, he admitted this to me, and I thought it was kinda cute that he did. I think he's beginning to trust me as a female, but I wonder if maybe he's intimidated by me. I understand my own intelligence, and I think he feels as though he's too dumb to talk to me sometimes, though I've told him a countless number of times he underestimates his intelligence and overestimates mine. He's just an awesome guy. All my boys are.
I suppose it would be very different if I wasn't such good friends with all of my boys. I think though, I have to accept that my future husband *is* going to be a man I was friends with first. This is what my father instilled in me just this past week even. I was speaking to him of how I'd like to have all of my kids before I was thirty-five to decrease the risk of chromosomal disorders of the fetus, but of course, I'll have to find a husband before I'm thirty. He mentioned how my husband will most likely be one of my boys. I got so unbelievably warm and laughed him off saying there was 'no way' because they're such good friends. He then spoke of how he and my mother were really good friends before the trip to the alter. This is the point where perusal became unbearable for me, and I kindly asked him NOT to mention again how friendships are prone to turn romantic because I didn't want to consider that fact right now. He laughed and told me to wait and see, he's always right. See, the thing is...he *is* always right. He's so awesomely smart when it comes to life, and sometimes having the utmost trust in him scares the crap out of me. I know no matter what he says, it's what I need to hear. This conversation, however, just left me with a headache.
So to answer your question Luscious, in my head there is WAY too much going on in the terms of 'interesting boys' and 'emotional roller-coaster'. I don't want to believe, really, that ANY of my guy friends are *interested* in me, and truthfully, subconsciously, I think maybe I do because it's flattering to know I'm attracted to, but consciously, it scares the living daylights out of me to consider any of them romantically. The fear of rejection, fallout and the possibility of loosing a really, really good friendship scare me into the comfortability of my fear of intimacy. I use those reasons as an excuse to not overcome my emotional instabilities. I'm slowly trying to overcome it though. I mean, I'm almost nineteen and I've not yet had a steady boyfriend. I'm starting to think I really do need to get out in the field.
Alright, to try and forgo another bedtime headache, I'll refrain from speaking anymore of boys and relationships. Besides, I have really good news that I'm proud of.
I ran again 5.75 miles tonight. It would seem lately, that every-time I run I go just a bit further. If I'm motivated enough to stick to my goal, I'll run another twenty-five miles again this week, maybe even twenty-six altogether. Funny thing is, I eat 1,100 calories before eight o' clock, then scarf down from 600 to 800 in complex carbs PURELY so I can run it off. It really isn't hard though, to support this hobby of mine. I honestly do *like* stuffing my face with Apples and Cinnamon Oatmeal, Choco Chex and Chewy Nut Bars before a run. I mean, I'll sit there and eat six to eight servings of food, and I'm perfectly content with it. I have no guilt whatsoever, and eating so much grants me the energy and stamina I need to pull off my workout.
I realized today, you guys, that I can actually *sing* while I'm running at 5.8 miles an hour. You'd think though, that running that much one would be out of breath. Apparently I have too much. When I run at night, I'm never *winded*, in fact, it almost feels like my breathing is paced, as if I'm getting *more* than enough. I don't think I ever told you guys this, but given I was a premature baby, I had tests run, and it was found that my lungs carry two liters more of air than what is normal. It's a biological impairitive from my father. It's why he can sing like an opera singer.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I can attribute my large lungs to my tremendous amount of stamina or not. I mean, I wasn't ALWAYS able to sing while running, in fact I do recall, when I was larger being physically winded after just .75th of a mile. I'm going to say, to heighten the pride I have in myself, that I've *trained* my body to cope with the stress of running and now, becoming exerted is taking a lot more vigorous activity. This is good. I can gradually increase my speed and incline and overtime, train my body to take on 6.0 miles an hour at a 2.0 incline. It'll prolly take another five to seven months for me to be able to *sing* while running at such an inclined speed, but I trust I can do it. I have to. I mean, I've come this far, right?
I called my grandmother about it today. I said..."Guess what? I had to call and tell you something. I'm quite proud of it." "What's that?" "I ran twenty-five miles this week, and I'm so excited about it." "*silence* Outside?" "*laugh* No!! On my treadmill! "*laugh* I was going to say, isn't it too cold and snowy?" "*laugh* No, no, I run on my treadmill. I wish I could run outside, but it's missing the sun and heat." "Wow, Rachaelee, that's a lot of running. That's a lot of miles in a week." "I know! Isn't it great? I've been working on reaching this goal for seven months." "It is. We're really proud of you, honey. Are you getting skinny?" "Yeah. I am. I can't help it now. This, running, is my new hobby. I love it." "Well you know, hon, when you come to see us, you can run OUTSIDE, where there is sun and heat. We even have a fitness center." "*stunned* You have a fitness center?" "Yeah, it's part of the county club, but you can use it when you get here, that way you don't have to worry about not enjoying your hobby while you're here." "*smiles wide* Memaw, you've no idea how excited I am right now. Not only do I get to run outside, I'm using your fitness center." "*laugh* You certainly can. Wow, we're so proud of you honey. Thank you for calling to tell me!" "Thank you for enjoying in my enjoyment!"
So yeah, this was my fun for the night, talking to my grandma who I will be seeing in a month and two weeks for spring break. I cannot wait you guys. Going to Florida is really motivating me to run and keep fit and stick to my food plan. Cheat days are sparing lately, and I like it this way. There's a whole lot less guilt. LOL.
Wow, this was a long update and right now, Spirit in the Sky is playing on my MP3 player and I'm smiling like a maniac cause if I don't, I'm going to fall asleep here on this recliner. Haha.
If ya'll got through this whole update, mad props to you. I know how much you love me and you guys are the bestest. Big Hugs and Happy Monday to you all!!
-Me
