My Story

Oh yeah, Rae's heading to Texas!!!!!!! :hurray: I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but humor me, okay? :D

My H has his B.A. in comparative religion. :) He is not religious himself, but he finds the subject incredibly fascinating. He's always got his nose in a book about it--especially Christianity. I would say he's as or more well educated about it as most preachers/ministers, yet he wouldn't necessarily call himself a Christian. :rolleyes: I find that fascinating.

He hasn't really found his degree all that useful in a lucarative career, however..lol. I think that is a degree that needs to be supplemented with a masters/phd in order to make good use of it.

Congrats on getting into the single digits in clothing!! You will be one of the hottest girls on the Florida beach. :party: Has your sister shown any signs of wanting to pull a Rachael and lose a ton of weight? She's got the perfect advisor/mentor in you if she does. :)
 
Tonight's update is both good and morose.

Good news first...They had jeans on sale at Wal-Mart, so I bought a pair for five dollars. They're a size 8 and fit me perfectly. I guess I didn't have to wait as long as I thought I would to buy single digit clothing. I'm so very, very, excited about this you guys!! I was FREAKING out in the dressing room. I mean, my butt and legs look SO AMAZING. I'm not kidding you. It must be all this running. I'm really seeing definition and I'm so very, very proud of myself.

The not so outstanding news is this...I was right, my mother was skeptical when I tried them on for my parents. My father was SO EXCITED for me. He was prasing how great they looked and how awesome it was that I fit into a size 8 now. He couldn't be happier. Now, I'm not trying to make my mother sound like a hypocryite, she's DEFINITELY not and wants NOTHING but the best for me and I know, deep down, she's supportive. The reason for tonight's discord with her was due to her concern for me. She's afraid I'm loosing too much weight. I assured her I know what I'm doing. I told her a healthy BMI at my height would be between 130 to 150 pounds. I'm at 150.8 right now. I told her I'm healthy, I'm kickin and I feel better than I've ever felt recently.

My father assured her as well that I eat. He even explained to her how I calculate my cals to make sure I eat enough to support my hobby. He told her if he thought I was loosing to much weight, he would tell me. He said he would start worrying when he doesn't think I look healthy anymore. In fact, he spoke of the opposite. He told her I look EXTREMELY healthy and that I'm beautiful, and that my body is toning now that I've lost the weight-it's why my pants are getting smaller.

Finally, I think, she started to believe that I was HONESTLY okay. You see, I can talk to my dad of these things-he's my support and foundation as you guys already well know. The reason why I cannot tell my mother though I would like to, is because she has a tendency to overreact and overanalyze and not take life at face value.

She would move the moon and stars for me, but she pulls me down by her undertow. I want her and I to be best friends, but we can't be when she doesn't trust me, not really. I've told my father that I speak to Steve and I trust his word implicitly and it's how I'm learning how to do this properly. He finds it honorable, I know, that I've taken the opportunity to learn so much now.

In fact, he told my mother today that he wishes my sister would do the same as I. My sister isn't happy. He knows it, I know it, my mother knows it, but my sister won't admit it. My father wishes my sister would take my lead and get healthy at this age. All of his life, my father was called 'Rhino' because of his obesity, and I know he wishes, deep down, he'd taken the initative to do something about it at my age. It's why he's so phenomenally supportive now.

I love both of my parents the same, but my father understands so much deeper than my mother does. I can share my feelings and emotions and ups and downs with him, and I'm finding, that he's becoming more open with me about his own doubts and fears in life. I hope we can keep this relationship up for the rest of our life. I just wish my mother would try and understand better my life. I try to explain things to her, but she never seems to grasp it well enough.

That all being said, I was disappointed that her reaction wasn't one of congratulations, but then again, I knew it wouldn't be. I was expecting her discontent, and I was prepared for her fireworks of 'you're getting to thin' and 'I don't want you to die young'. Naturally, my father came to my defense and explained that I'm *not* too thin, I'm just *finally* healthy, and I *won't* die young, it's *why* I'm doing this. It kicked in to her, I think, after a half-hour into the conversation.

Regardless, we're going to bed on good terms, my mother and I. Really, she just over-reacts to trying to understand things, that's all. She over-exaggerates her genuine concern to the point of being arbitrary, but in the end, when she finally understands, she's fine. I love her to death, my mother, and that's all that matters. No matter what, she's my mommy and if I'm concerned for myself, I'll let her know. She knows this now, and I really think she feels better of the whole situation. Deep concern guided her misunderstanding tonight, and you know what, that's okay. She's entitled to care about me. She loves me like crazy.

Wow, anyway, I just had to get that all out. Though it may have sounded like a morose entry, I'm certainly NOT feeling down tonight. I'm WAY to excited about my new size 8 denims. They're tan with stripes on the pockets and I look killer in them. They'll have me on cloud nine all night now.

Also, given my recent frustrations, I bought a T-shirt that says 'Love Hurts' with a pierced heart in the center. It was only 3 dollars and it goes with my new jeans. I'm so very, very excited about my new outfit you guys. I'm like...FLAILING with awesome feelings.

Right now, I'm going to go grab something to snack on while I visit all of your diaries. I ran today, and found I mis-calculated my cals. In the end, I think I only consummed about 1000 for the day and that's a no-no. I need to go eat a bowl of cereal or some oatmeal now. Maybe even a pack of blueberries...yeah, that sounds good...

Love to you all, honeys!! I hope you're feeling as AWESOME as I do tonight!!
 
That's fantastic that you got into a size 8!!!!! Woohoo! :hurray:

Is your mother heavy? I'm just wondering if she might be a bit jealous. After all, mothers are human, too. :) or, if she is a bit chubby, her perspective of too thin might be skewed. I know here in the Midwest people tend to be heavier, and so they often consider chubby as normal, and normal as skinny..lol. Or, like you said, it could just be maternal worry that you won't stop losing weight, and will become a stick thin anorexic. :)
 
I understand that its tough. You're mom's trying to adjust to your new body too. It easier for someone else to see drastic changes in us. We can't see them as well, because we see them in tiny steps along the way. I don't think you can even imagine how drastic the changes probably appear to others. That being said...you are doing it safe and you need to have trust in that. Mom will get used to it. If moms didn't worry and nag, we could have been a lot worse off than we are. LOL. My mom nags and worries about everything I do. It drives me nuts. But more often than not, there is a word of caution that needs to stick in the back of my mind. In everything there is a grain of truth. It our job as "obedient" children to try to weed it out.

I am so jealous of the size 8's. I can't imagine ever seeing those on myself.
 
Hey Rach, im proud to see you so happy about your hard work, but dont worry about your mom. My mom was the same way towards my weight loss, and it got to the point where i questioned if she was proud of me or not. It just takes time, and if you show her how you eat, train, and your determination, she will see that you truely are being the healthiest you can be. Sorry i didn't get to talk last night. I was at the store for a good while and then i forgot about my aim away message when i got back. We will definitely catch up soon.

Trevor
 
Rae,

Congrats on a VERY special goal. I am very happy and proud of you. I think when there is a bond like the one you and your mother share, it's obviously going to be a bit "heavy" like that at times. My father says the same things, and I like Trevor's advice on the questioning of "Are you proud?", however, this is not the best advice for you because your mom is obviously proud. It's just unchartered territory for her (and you of course). I understand that you have things in check... but to others, it seems that you might not (and rightly so, you've dropped an enormous amount of weight) and you aren't the "Rachel" they've come to known. That scares people and overwhelms them all at once... I am glad that you think there is a glimmer of hope that she is "seeing" things more clearly now. You have a great father that is your "bridge" to your mom. It's okay that you need to use him now for that purpose because in time, you will become best friends with your mom, but unfortunately it's on her terms more so than yours... You are ready to accept that relationship, while she is not, you're still her little girl and that's ok for now. It isn't okay when it prevents you from really being successful in your life... or at least attempting something you really want and you're held back due to her protective ways.

Sorry for this diatribe of a post.
 
To my lovelies,

Thank you all for your incredible support of me. I cannot fully express my gratitude to have so much encouragement on my side. It truly means a lot to me. As you all well know, I love you all.

Kimmy, Yes, my mother is on the heftier side, and as you, my Aunt suggested that perhaps she's jealous, but I'd rather not think it, regardless. I always like thinking the best of my parents, although my mother is human, and feels like the rest of us, and it's quite plausible that she's a bit envious of the fact that I'm getting myself in shape, if this is true, it's a probable reason for her reaction. Still, she's got all the opportunity in the world to begin what I started years ago and get thinner herself. It's all a matter of whether or not she truly *wants* to and can help herself. As much as I'd like to always be here for her, guiding her on the straighter path, my life is moving in different directions. If she genuinely wants to be a smaller size, she's going to have to take it into her own hands. I'll be here supporting her 100% if she decides she wants to.


Keith and Trev, I completely understood and took into account your posts. You guys are absolutely right. My mother is finding it hard, at this point, to accept that this truly will be how I will look and feel for the rest of my life. She's not used to this much, much thinner me. I mean, I've never, since I can remember, been in single digit clothing. I only ever remember being a size 14, so I can understand why should would be concerned. Her little girl is *actually* little now.

All of this being said, her and I seem to be doing great. Neither of us has brought up the altercation from Tuesday night, though I did mention how she's no reason to buy me clothes anymore if my discarding them in a month by getting smaller truly does bother her. I mentioned how I'm more than willing to buy my own clothes and she seemed rather agreeable to this. Of course, my mother is my mother and DOES like to spoil me. I give her one to two weeks before she brings me home something. She will, I promise you. She likes buying her babies things (regardless of what she may say to the contrary). And as always, I'm more than appreciative. I'm grateful to the humblest degree when my parents spoil me. That's how I've always been.

Okay, now it's update time!!

I did well yesterday. I packed in the cereal and oatmeal right before seven so I had enough energy and stamina to run at 9. Thus far for April, I've accumulated 9.5 miles on the treadmill. Not quite ten because of Tuesday's lack of significant calories taken in beforehand. Yesterday however, I consumed about 2,100 cals and ran off 715 of those. That put me at about 1,400 consumed for the day's total. 1,200- 1,500 is my target range until Florida. I have about three weeks to hit my goal of losing another five pounds and with all of this cardio and healthy eating, I'm optimistic about hitting it.

I'm hoping, by the time I hit the airport terminal, I'll be at my all time low of 145. I highly, highly doubt I'd want to go any lower than that. I would, however, like to have my middle toned a little more and the only way to achieve that, would be for me to get to the point where I stop losing fat. A misunderstood conception is that you can tone whilst you're losing weight. The fact of the matter is, you really don't start "toning" until AFTER all the weight is lost and you can focus on your muscle groups. I'm hoping this is where I'll be by the end of Spring/early Summer.

Of course, my TOM will be coming up the week that I leave (go figure) so this will most probably impeded my last goal efforts, but it's expected. It isn't until the third day of my period I can get a semi-acurate reading from Scalentino. After of course, I've peed about eighteen-thousand times the day before. LOL.

Alright, I'm off to check in with all of your lovelies ups and downs. I hope you're all having a good Thursday!!
 
Thought I'd swing by and say hello. :)

And hey, congrats on all the success!! That's so great that you made it to single digit jeans so quick.

You're lucky to have a mother who cares for you so much. Sometimes a mother's care can lead to misguided actions. Just accept it for what it is and she'll come around. It sounds like she already is, a bit.

Congrats.
 
Glad to hear you had such a good run! It's amazing the difference it makes when you actually eat for the exercise you're planning, I've found. It makes me think more about how food really is fuel that should be chosen in accordance with what kind of performance one expects from one's body.

Sophie
 
Congrats on sliding right on into that size 8! Thats really great. You seem to really understand your parents. I would also not want to think my mother or father (in my case) would be jealous of their child's weight loss... I do agree with you that maybe your mother is just having a hard time accepting the change you've made in you life to become healthier, and now that your amazing results are really starting to show themselves, it is perhaps just freaking her out a little and overreacting. From what you say though, your father really does seem to understand you, and it is great that is he is so supportive.

Hope you make your goal of 145! Have a great day.

-Sam:)
 
Rae, I just had to let you know...being a fellow thrift store diva. I went to my local store and got a pair of jeans that normally retails for $200 for only $5. I couldn't believe it. I can't even imagine paying $40 for a pair! These were like brand new...not worn out or anything. My lucky day!
 
Good Friday morning, my lovelies. I hope all of you are having a fabulous one!!

Sam, thanks so much for stopping by! It means alot to see new people come by visit! You're right. My mother is my mother and her concern comes from a genuine place. It's completely understandable to me and yes, my father is practically my best friend. I'm a HUGE Daddy's girl and I'm rather certain I always will be.

Luscious, WAY TO GO chica!! I'm so proud that you'd find a steal like that. Coincidentally, my mom and I went to Goodwill yesterday, and I find some steals too. I got a pair of jeans and a thirty dollar Gitano dress shirt for eleven dollars. I'm wearing the denims right now. They fit and feel AMAZING. I like the fact that they have button pockets in the back. They flatter my bottom. Haha.

To my amazement, I also found that a size 8 is technically a 'Small'. You know, I never thought for the life of me I would be a size S. According to the thrift store charts, sizes 0-8 are indeed, smalls. That was pretty exciting to know. What more, it's ALOT easier shopping for smaller jeans. It would seem there is such a bigger collection to choose from. I'm pretty excited about being this size. There's NO WAY, I'm getting 20 sizes bigger again. Not happening.

I didn't run last night. It was my day off. My boys are coming over today given it's the weekend, but I have twenty days till Florida, and I'm definitely running tonight, regardless of the company. Besides, I may even feel empowered when I'm covered in sweat talking to them. Secretly, I hope it's intimidating. I think they recognize that I'm a machine, they just don't understand how long I can go without recharging. ;) Lol.

Alright my dears, time to head off to your diaries and such. I hope the beginning of this weekend is a good one!! (((Big Hugs)))
 
Invariant said:
Good Friday morning, my lovelies. I hope all of you are having a fabulous one!!

Sam, thanks so much for stopping by! It means alot to see new people come by visit! You're right. My mother is my mother and her concern comes from a genuine place. It's completely understandable to me and yes, my father is practically my best friend. I'm a HUGE Daddy's girl and I'm rather certain I always will be.

Luscious, WAY TO GO chica!! I'm so proud that you'd find a steal like that. Coincidentally, my mom and I went to Goodwill yesterday, and I find some steals too. I got a pair of jeans and a thirty dollar Gitano dress shirt for eleven dollars. I'm wearing the denims right now. They fit and feel AMAZING. I like the fact that they have button pockets in the back. They flatter my bottom. Haha.

To my amazement, I also found that a size 8 is technically a 'Small'. You know, I never thought for the life of me I would be a size S. According to the thrift store charts, sizes 0-8 are indeed, smalls. That was pretty exciting to know. What more, it's ALOT easier shopping for smaller jeans. It would seem there is such a bigger collection to choose from. I'm pretty excited about being this size. There's NO WAY, I'm getting 20 sizes bigger again. Not happening.

I didn't run last night. It was my day off. My boys are coming over today given it's the weekend, but I have twenty days till Florida, and I'm definitely running tonight, regardless of the company. Besides, I may even feel empowered when I'm covered in sweat talking to them. Secretly, I hope it's intimidating. I think they recognize that I'm a machine, they just don't understand how long I can go without recharging. ;) Lol.

Alright my dears, time to head off to your diaries and such. I hope the beginning of this weekend is a good one!! (((Big Hugs)))
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Sigh... love my Rachel. Always full of pep! How's the Cocoa Butter Creme going? Seeing any results?

I never thought I'd wear mediums in my LIFE. I am giving away all of my cool clothes too which suck so bad... it's leaving my drawers EMPTY! I might have to hit up goodwill myself... At anyrate, I hope you have a WONDERFUL weekend. You rock...
 
I hope my lovelies are having a wonderful Saturday!

It's quiet time here at my house given my boys aren't up yet and my friend hasn't yet gotten here.

Last night's update is not to extravagant, but I'll compose it anyway. I only ran 2.6 miles. To some it may seem like quite a long distance, but naturally, that isn't so to me. I only burned 310 cals and ran for 27 minutes. This is less than half of my usual routine, but I had to take into account my lack of significant calories.

Our Friday 'Family Day' was spent an hour away at a cozy little shindig called 'The Rockton Bar'. It's got the greatest burgers on the planet. Why I enjoy it so much, truly, is because of the ride to it. We left near sunset and I rode with my father on his bike. To anyone else, it would have been a bit nippy but I was more than fine. I LOVE riding a motorcycle. It's so exhilirating. After a long ride, you step off it and liberation hums from the top of your head to your toes.

To be honest, I think my boys may have been a bit intimidated by this. One of them, especially, had an unreadable reaction to the newfound knowledge that one of his best female friends likes fast automobiles. When I met him in the hall, he notes my leather boots, jacket and the helmet in my right hand. "You're riding with your dad?" he asks me, and I laugh and tell him, yes and that I'm excited. The look on his face when he voiced the question was a bit...strange, and either he was severely impressed by my love of risk and freedom, or he was flabbergasted that I'd even consider riding on the back of something so dangerous. Given I know his personality and his own love of fast cars, I'd say the former holds true.

You know, I never intend for my guy friends, especially, to have the reactions they do to me, and it takes me a while to figure out why they do. Again, the basis for this is rooted in my obese past. I'm not yet used to being considered attractive, so the thought of men having innately male reactions to me makes me blush.

Though last night, I was complimented briefly when one of my guy friends decides he's going to weigh himself. Naturally, he's a pretty fit guy so he weighs in around normal range. He calls out his number and I tell him that's a good place to be. He then questions my honesty and I assure him he's in shape and fit. Then, he tells me "You're the woman, Rach." and as he walks to the fridge he says "Yep. You're mine. You're the woman of my dreams."

Though it was said in fun, something like that just makes me *feel* good. You know? After he said it, I actually started to consider that maybe I *could* be the woman of someone's dreams and somewhere out there, he's waiting for me. I don't know...it was just really nice to hear that I'm appealing. As it is for everyone, I'm sure.

Wow, I suppose this is an extremely mixed post, isn't it? Now all of you know that I have a wild side. Yes, it's true. I like bars and burgers and bikes. The three 'B's. Honestly, I think I enjoy these things because all of these material items are rooted in the great memories I have with my dad. Last summer, we used to hop on his bike and just ride until we found a burger joint with the name 'Bar' tacked on the side of the greeting sign. Needless to say, I'm not a complicated chick. Little things make me extrodinarily happy, like laying outside on a beautiful night, looking up at the stars or riding on the back of a bike with the red rays of sunset beating down on me. In these moments, I'm the most content person in the world.

I hope all of you are having a wonderful weekend!!
 
I love motorbikes, too. My fiance has one. I have thought about getting one in the future, but I'm not sure. I wonder if my attention span is a bit too short. You definitely need a good attention span if you're going to drive safely on a bike. I can't wait to get out this summer. My chaps should be fitting a lot better, now. They were getting quite tight last year!

Hmmm...now that I'm out of a vehicle, maybe I should think about getting a bike. Then again what the heck am I going to do in the winter? Its still tempting, though...

Glad to hear my sexy chick is having an awesome weekend!!!
 
Wow, there's so much I want to write about right now, just to get it out. It's late, but I'll do my best to alleviate the boggling in my mind.

As always, on nights when I run, I feel amazing. There's nothing like this euphoria I feel after a good workout. I ran 6 miles again tonight and burned 730 cals. Total for April this far is 18 miles. For seven days, that's not much, but I had to take into account the calories I consumed the days that I did run. Instead of running six, I could only run 2.5-3.5 miles. I love running, but not at the expense of killing myself. LOL. I'm hoping to accomplish 20 or 25 miles this week.

I have seventeen days until I go to Florida, and I want to see what I can do beforehand. This means I'll have to start, once again, eating a buttload of oatmeal and cereal at 7 so I can run at 9 o' clock. For the past week, I didn't do it given my lack of appetite, and there's no way that's okay if I want to run so excessively. I'll just have to save up my cals for the evening I suppose. Otherwise, I can't run, and well...that would make me a very, very unhappy woman. You guys don't want to see me unhappy. It's not a pretty place in my head...

Alright, so that's for the exercise update, onto the personal...

Honestly, I don't know what's going on between me and Mr. Confusion, but it's becoming overpowering more and more every time I see him. It's strange really. My family has taken in alot of our friends and even considers them family, and my boys are no exception. They spent practically all Friday and Saturday with us, and given the weather was AMAZING, we had a blast hanging out.

All of this being said, I wished last week, not for the first time, that he had the physical ability to talk to me openly. Never before have I had an issue conversing one-on-one with a male, but Mr. Confusion is a different case. Usually, during the week, I don't seem him until Thursday, and when I step into the same room as him, I can *feel* him automatically tense. Then it isn't until he's over at my house the next day that he loosens up. You know, I didn't know what was going on, but I'm pretty sure I found out yesterday.

Not only were my boys over, we had two girlfriends over as well, and to my utter surprise, Mr. Confusion found my two friends and I sitting on the steps and decided to open up to us about his past personal life. It was really, really strange. Never before have I seen him so open and unguarded and I realized, while I was sitting there on the steps, that I find that side of him extremely attractive. I had no idea, honestly, that I would end up feeling this way.

For so long, I've wanted the courage to ask him why he can't talk openly to me when we're alone, or why he tenses up when I touch him or why, in a crowded room, he finds me the most interesting thing to look at. Yeah, I know, reading this now,his reasoning sounds obvious, but I'm emotionally inexperienced to being attracted to. Platonic interest is my comfortability net, and when someone shakes me out of it, I get terrified.

Anyway, he admitted to the hallyway at large on Saturday that he's innately shy, and doesn't do well approaching the women he's interested in. To be honest with you guys, BECAUSE my other girlfriends were there and because he's known them longer than me, I think he felt ALOT more comfortable talking to *me* when *they* were there, you know? Because it wasn't just him and I and maybe I would have a different reaction around my friends. I honestly don't know. Again, this is all new to me.

By the way he was looking at me, I know this had to be it. It was overpowering, the way he was talking to all of us but kept looking at me. This had been happening all Saturday, by the way. We went to help my girlfriend's mother clean her house, and during that time, I would catch him looking at me, or if something funny or irritating was said, it was an automatic reaction that we ended up looking at each other. It's become knee-jerk, to be honest, the glances we share.

On Friday, when we took my boys to the bar, I ended up sitting adjacent from Mr. Confusion, and while I was talking to my dad, I *felt* him looking at me. It's crazy how suffocating this is getting.

There's a silent understanding when we're both together that we don't have to voice. I *know* he's going to look at me and he *knows* I'm going to look at him, and the strange thing is, he'll flirt with my sister or girlfriends to get a rise out of them and I'll flirt with his brother and my bro's other friends, but at the end of it, we still only look at *each other* in this overwhelming way.

To be honest, I was hoping for a while, that he would stop, because then I would stop and won't have to convince myself of something that isn't actually there...i.e, his attraction to me. But I'm rather certain, by his brutal honesty on Saturday and small comments, that he may actually be *really* attracted to me. You know, maybe it isn't overpowering to him, or innate, but I think he feels something. I know for a fact, his constant attention toward me is starting to make *me* feel something, that both terrifies and excites the heck out of me.

I'm trying to take this cool you guys, I really am. I'm trying to take all of your advice and just give it time and play it out and it's meant to be, it's meant to be but...I don't know what to do at this point.

I think I'm starting to become EXTREMELY attracted to him, and it's scaring the crap out of me. Given that I value his friendship so much, I never wanted this to happen. I wanted strictly, platonic relationships with my boys. Apparently God is having a different plan...

I have no idea what to do at this point you guys. I want to pretend it's not there, but the thought of doing that seems to...annoy me somewhat.

I'm emotionally battered right now. And though I'll go to bed happy because I'm still riding this seretonin workout wave, I'll most probably be reeling indecision through my exhausted brain tomorrow.
 
Rachel,

Way to go on the mileage these last 7 days. 18 miles in 7 days is pretty darn good I think. =)

As far as Mr. Confusion, I'd let him know that you like him, straight up and see what he says or is his reaction. I'll be hoping for a positive one if you do it! =)
 
photocrazed said:
Rachel,

Way to go on the mileage these last 7 days. 18 miles in 7 days is pretty darn good I think. =)

As far as Mr. Confusion, I'd let him know that you like him, straight up and see what he says or is his reaction. I'll be hoping for a positive one if you do it! =)
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You know what Tash, I want to talk to him about it, I really do, but I'm terrified to do it. Given we're both EXTREMELY shy and the fact that I've never torn myself open to the point of being raw with him, I don't know if I can do it. I feel though, that eventually, I'm going to have to. And I don't know how he's going to take it. If I do talk to him, he'll see this new, soft and open side of me, and I have NO IDEA if guys find vulnerability attractive or not. Always, I try and keep my cool with my friends and be strong and aggreable, but having a talk that could leave me wounded emtionally would leave my sense of 'coolness' wounded too.

Not to mention, I have no idea what his reaction would be, and if he *does* laugh in my face or tell me he's attracted but can't see anything happening or something to that effect, then what? I mean, he's such a good friend and I'd hate for things to be 'weird' between us because I took him into the hallway and let him know how I feel.

Truth be told, I *want* to tell him that I found his unguarded, open conversation not only enlightening, but attractive, because I think, honestly, that that was his intention. I just don't know how, and I don't know whether to call him and say..."Hey, listen..." or to just talk to him in person. I have no experience with these things. This is a learning curve for me.

I want to say that time will heal this and I'll get over him, but I don't know now. I don't know how difficult this trying *not* to be attracted to him is going to get. Certianly, I don't want to wear myself out about it. Who knows. Maybe my going to Florida and being away from here will help me figure things out.
 
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