It seems like I haven't been on here for ages, loves.
I decided this morning that I was going to take an hour out of my day to update.
As with most, this entry is going to be especially personal given my weekend.
On Saturday, my mother and sister and I went shopping at thrift stores. I found, during my escapade, that I was feeling rather hormonally imbalanced. For reasons not like the usual, I broke down in the dressing room. I found the most beautiful floral blue dress, a size M, and when I put it on, I felt sexy as hell-as if I owned the world. While I was running my hands over my much, much flatter tummy, the tearworks began. I wasn't crying because I was angry or sad, but because, in that instant, I realized everything I've worked so hard for was finally here, and I'm five steps from the finish line.
After I flung the dress off, I ran outside, got into my car, locked the doors and called my dad. I told him I was having a moment and I needed to call. He told me it's absolutely fine to be crying, that God made woman beautifully delicate and I have a right to be joyous. He spoke of how proud he is of me, of how hard he knows I've worked to feel happy and made me promise to try on the dress when I got home. I told him I loved him, thanks for listening and I promise I will.
I was on cloud nine that evening, you guys. I'm not yet quite where I want to be, physically, but I can *feel* the end is near. Then it's a race of a completely different kind.
Maintaining, for me, may be easier than I originally assumed. Last night, I went to a Pizza Ranch, which is an italian buffet, and suprisingly enough, I ate three plates of salad, and barely any pizza. I thought I would be tempted alot more but I wasn't. I think it's the fact that I've been eating healthy for so long, foods high in cals don't appeal to me. This is great, actually, if I can keep this up the rest of my life, I'll be healthy till I hit my warm grave.
Because I didn't run for two days, I ran a little last night. I didn't eat enough cals in the day to run all 6 miles, so I ran about 4 and burned 500 cals. I'm pretty sure that left me with an accumulated caloric intake of about 1,300, which is within the daily limit for me.
I'm going to have to try and put alot more down today if I want to run all six miles. Truth be told, it's getting hard for me to shove so many cals in me lately. I just don't seem to be hungry. I blame this on my newfound double-helping of oatmeal I eat for breakfast and two cups of coffee. It keeps me full for like..four to five hours. It's crazy. When I use to eat cereal in the morning, I was hungry two hours afterward, now I'm not. It's nice actually because I'm always so busy in the daytime.
All of this being said, last night I came down from my 'dressing room' high. I felt extremely self-concious, and it's because of something that happened earlier.
I went to pick up a friend from church, the same church Mr. Confusion's competitor goes too, and given I already asked Mr. Confusion and his brother to the Pizza Ranch, I decided I would invite my other friend as well. Due to prior obligations, he said he couldn't make it, but said it sounds fun and we should try and do it sometime in the near future. It wasn't until I got into the car, I realized he used the pronouns 'we should' and 'we would', instead of the usual 'we'd all'. He was inconspiciously hinting at a date, I'm rather certain, and because of this, I got emotionally freaked out. Not because I don't think it would be fun, or because I don't want to, but because of my past, intimacy terrifies me.
I want to date and I want to have a relationship, but it's going to take me a while to accept someone touching me. It's weird. I don't *mind* being handled, but the way a boyfriend would handle me is different then the way my friends touch me, if you know what I mean. I don't know. I suppose I fear being disgusting. I don't want to repel a significant other because of my physical inaccuracies. The thing is, I'm really not all that disgusting, and I'm not all that ugly, I just *feel* like it.
I admitted this to a friend yesterday and she told me I was being absurd. She even said her foster mother commented positively on my looks saying "Wow, look at Rachael, she's so tall." And my friend said "I know right? She's so tall and pretty." And her guardian then said "She is. She's so tall and pretty. She's so elegant." And you know, after she told me this, I was flattered, really I was, but deep down in my soul, I don't *believe* comments like those. It's as if they're a rouse, a mask to make me feel good about myself, but in actuality, all of these people's comments aren't genuine. Why? Because that's how it was when I was younger and heavier. People would compliment me to make me feel good about myself knowing I was rather un-asthetically pleasing.
I told my friend that I have to start believing I'm worthwhile, especially when it comes to males. Intimacy scares me because I don't feel as though I deserve someone good. I know how terrible that sounds, but my past has left me emotionally scarred.
For instance, I found out the other day, that I'm deeply attracted to one of my guy friends (another story in itself) and when I thought of him as a potential, I caught myself and stopped. Why? Because I've convinced myself I don't deserve him, that he's going to want more than me and that I'll never be good enough. In the recess of my terribly perplexing mind, I've convinced myself I'll have to settle. It's terribly hard to be admitting this, it's as if I've cut myself open emotionally, but I needed to get it out.
I don't feel deserving of the best. I don't feel as beautiful as my friends tell me I am. I don't have the self-confidence that I should, and more than all, I don't feel as worthwhile as I know I am. Crazy how I feel all of this so strongly on somedays and not at all on others.
I'm sorry if this entry sounds rather morose. To be honest, I'm actually in a good mood today. I just had to vent about my emotional insecurites. Someone has to listen, right?
Anyway, I love all of you and hope you're having a good Monday!
I definitely think you should incorporate writing into your future career. 
You know, my best friend in high school's name was Rachel. 
Whatever..anyway, sorry about the tangent! 
That is fantastic!! So is only being 2lbs from your goal weight!! 
You most certainly deserve Chinese and a blizzard tonight. A cookie dough blizzard, not a raging blizzard of snow, that is. 
Even now, he cannot keep his hands off me and I still need to lose another 50lbs to hit my goal. Even when I was in the 180s, I never had trouble finding guys interested in me physically. My point here is that you are in great shape, and are also pretty. What guy wouldn't find you attractive? Just remember that no one is perfect, and men do not expect real women to look like airbrushed supermodels. Let's face it--men do not have perfect bodies, either, ya know. 
Aaah...a man who admits I'm right....
I would be so excited if you and Trevor got together. 
You and Trevor have much in common. Time for you two to meet up - I would suggest.
