MasterofJune's Diary *There is no spoon*

MasterofJune

MasterofJune

New member
I hate to name this diary with an overused semi-campy phrase, but it is a fact in my life. We all see what we allow ourselves to see. I have been to a place where I felt larger, more uncomfortable, and humiliated at the size of my body. When I see beautiful people, I become uncomfortable. I think...Are they looking at me in disgust? Is there a phrase that lets itself go in their minds? Are they thinking...

"How could that guy let himself go like that?"
"At least I don't look like him."
"He is my reason not to have dessert tonight. God forbid I ever look like that."

Does the man look at me, get his girlfriends attention and then point me out?

"There is your boyfriend."

Are parents using me as an example to their could-be overweight children?

"If you keep eating like you do, you could end up like him."
"Do you want to look like him when you are older? No? Then stop eating the way you do."

I had to face a fact. I am embarrassed of myself. I hate looking in mirrors. I hate going to restaurants. I love baseball, but I hate going to the games. I even hate going to work. I would stay home all the time if I could. But we have to face the world everyday.

I don't want to have "Fat Days" anymore. I want to feel free to be myself. I don't want to wear the mask of complacence. I want to be me. I don't want to be your "Jolly Friend". I want myself to allow me to be myself.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I almost died last year due to my weight. I almost widowed my wife and left my daughter to finish her life without her Daddy. I almost completely gave up. Of course I am embarrassed, but come on...I almost killed myself unbeknown to me. I almost left this earth due to what? EATING. That is ridiculous. It is only food my friends. It is only food. I am listening to my body. I got the message. I got my moment of clarity.

For 27 years I have been fighting the battle. I am tired, I am bloody, I am bruised, but am I beaten? Not even close. I make the promise to myself. I am going to win this. I owe this to the man in the mirror. I have been beating him for 27 years. And that man in the mirror is me. I am no longer my own enemy.

My goal is to hit 250 lbs, and live a free life. A life where I may not be thin and beautiful, but fit. Healthy. Maybe a little bit of a big guy, but fit and healthy. I might even try to join a softball team.

I work in education and we go back to school on Monday. I have decided I am walking to and from work. It's about 1.5 miles one way, so that's 3 miles a day five days a week. Not to shabby. I have cut out the big things from my diet. No Potatoes, no Corn, No white carbohydrates. I am on the whole-grain, veggie filled, White meat (no pork), no sugar, no corn syrup diet. I am going to drink...Get this...brace yourself...WATER. I am also forcing portion control.

Sorry about the lengthy confession. I needed to get these things off of my chest. I needed to be honest with myself. I needed to be honest with you. That is the point of a diary right? Especially one you are sharing with strangers. Thanks for this forum. I think it's just what I needed.

"Do not try and bend the spoon. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth."

"What truth?"

"There is no spoon."

"There is no spoon?"

"Then you'll see, that it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself."
 
Hello MasterofJune. I like the name.
Great opening to your diary!! It sounds like you have had enough. And with that attitude you will succeed. Keep on thinking those thoughts to yourself and that will provide the motivation that is needed for your journey. And that is what you have embarked on, a journey to a new life style.

Don't think of it as a diet, think of it as a life style change and it makes it different some how, the way you perceive it is everything.

Some times when I am lifting and feeling weak, I think of some thing that makes me mad and it helps to get those last reps out or push on the last 5 mins of a run. It's like............tackling fuel!!

Congratulations on making the choice!! And on your current weight loss!!
 
Powerful.

The part about almost widowing your wife and leaving your daughter to grow up without a father almost had me in tears.

You've gone through a lot of things in this diary that I myself have thought.

So many ignorant people out there hate us simply for being out of shape.

Maybe its personal weakness, maybe its genetics, maybe its a brain thing.

Doesn't matter.

We should change our lives so that we can be happy and live.

Not so those bastards will stop being ignorant.

I'm with you in this fight my friend and I thank you again for your motivation that you've given me and your positive energy.

Definitely we need to support eachother in our weight loss journals here.

Mine is already posted but I'm gonna lose some weight before doing a progress report.
 
Sounds like you are determined & dedicated. You can do this. Walking to work sounds like a great plan (just hope its a lot cooler where you are than here!). I'm impressed.

Good luck & glad you are here.
 
Thanks for the positive words all.

MoonGoddess, It is a furnace here. Maybe I can lose another couple of pounds in sweat. I feel for my co-workers already.

Dysart - You are right. It is a lifestyle change. A "Diet" seems to me at least to be a temporary thing. I need to change how I live my life, not just how I eat for a while.

Crunk - I may not be in Michigan but I am by your side. We can do this. You aren't alone my friend. Thanks for the support.
 
I wanted to share a photo. I am not trying to look cool or anything, but I wanted to find a photo that shows my size. Let's call this my "before"...I'll keep a photo journal bi-monthly and that way I can record my loss.



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Isn't it great to be able to be so candid? Congrats on your new way of living. It's an empowering experience! You have a great mind- I can see that. I too was almost brought to tears, and what you said resonated with me very much. Welcome to the forum! :)
 
Britta, It was one heck of an experience to be so candid. I realized after I posted this, that this is the first time I have been truthful with myself as well. When my fingers hit the keyboard, they couldn't stop. Thanks for the support, and the compliment. I hope this thread continues through to my goal. I am living this one day at a time, with today always my main focus. If I get through today, it was a good one.

I can see that this forum is going to be an addicting one. That is good. Time to stop wasting all of my time on the internet watching people make asses of themselves on YouTube.
 
Haha, youtube is addicting, but it's sad when you look up and realize how much time you have wasted! :)
In my first post I was very candid as well. I just put it ALL out there!!! It was VERY scary, but I got a great response. Even though I have not been on track in the past few months (for several reasons) I have always come back to the forum. The people on here are friends that you can't forget. I really hope to see more of you- I can already see that I will enjoy your posts!
 
Its great to have a safe place online. I know this is the first place I have been honest with my weight. Feels good knowing that I can say (type it) & know that I'm not being judged, just encouraged. This place is WONDERFUL for that. We all have our reasons & issues, but we are working toward that common goal of health.

There is always time for you tube, but it has helped me incredibly to have this space also.
 
I am looking forward to tomorrow. Tomorrow I start walking 3 miles a day (walking to and from work). I bought some Crystal Light packets of green tea to put into my water. I am going to cut out almost all of my Diet Dr. Pepper. I am going to allow myself one per day. I am going to drink the green tea with my lunch and dinner. I have kind of an addiction to Sunflower Seeds, so I am going to cut them out. I need to control my sodium intake. They don't make sunflower seeds without salt except for the kind you buy for bird food.

Thanks for all of the kind words everyone. I am going to weigh myself on Wednesday morning, and I will post my results on my ticker. See you then!
 
Hi! Your introduction was very moving. It is a wonderful feeling to just let it all out there and get started on changing your life! Congratulations!!! I am a fellow teacher as well and we are supposed to start tomorrow as well but I got a job with a brand new charter school and we aren't ready yet!! I think your plan to walk is excellent!! Last year I noticed that I did a lot of snacking through out the day. The students (highschool) always have food and would share with me and there was always opportunities to eat! So I found a free 50's style fridge on the side of the road and cleaned it up and put it in my classroom and kept food in there for snacky times. I could keep lots of sugar free puddings and jellos which are great snacks for keeping calories down and of course celery and milk and all kinds of things. It was great because if I was tempted I had something healthy I could go to. I also made sure to snack through out the day so I didn't crash and go crazy!! Good luck on your first day back!! and more importantly your new direction in life:) take care!
 
Ahhh...Work tomorrow mishi! Yaay?

So here comes the pot-luck lunches and snack days. Someone is always bringing in Doughnuts or Ro-Tel cheese and chips or fudge or...etc. The list could go on forever. Plus there is the big welcome back Barbecue that always has a lot of Fatty Pork, Hamburgers, Hot Dogs and the like. There is going to be a lot of temptation, but I must resist. I'll just pass and chew on some celery. Good idea with the fridge. I may just look for a dorm-style since the one we have in the lounge is past the table. Which almost always has junk food on it.
 
One trick I have learned for BBQs & potluck parties, is to eat sensibly before hand so I'm not so tempted to munch on anything & everything there. I still nibble a bit, but I don't grub down like I would. Also drink as much water as you can. I find it helps fill me up.

Have fun.
 
MasterofJune said:
Ahhh...Work tomorrow mishi! Yaay?

So here comes the pot-luck lunches and snack days. Someone is always bringing in Doughnuts or Ro-Tel cheese and chips or fudge or...etc. The list could go on forever. Plus there is the big welcome back Barbecue that always has a lot of Fatty Pork, Hamburgers, Hot Dogs and the like. There is going to be a lot of temptation, but I must resist. I'll just pass and chew on some celery. Good idea with the fridge. I may just look for a dorm-style since the one we have in the lounge is past the table. Which almost always has junk food on it.
Click to expand...

yeah I stopped going into the lounge. It had lots of snackable candy on it. I was lucky and because I teach art I have a huge classroom. However I left my fridge at my old school for the other teachers that have gotten used to it and need to get a new one for the new school.
Good luck with the potluck! They usually do bbq for us too?? I swear and last week for inservice they brought doughnuts!! I was downwind of those suckers and dang they smelled good lol. I was good and resisted though:)
Can't say teachers aren't well fed;) lol
To bad summer goes so fast:rolleyes:
 
Honesty with yourself is so refreshing. Also, I'm all about the written [um... typed] word. Walking to and from work is an awesome idea. I plan to work out before school every morning to give my brain and body a boost.

Keep that determination. And if you're bummed, let us know. We'll get you back on track. :]
 
Hey there MasterofJune,
Welcome to the forum . You won't regret your choice of signing up here. You sound like you have a good gameplan in place and a positive attitude. Feel free to rant when you need to ,confess any issues , post your victories, or seek advice on anything. Everyone is here for the same goals and everyone is so supportive here.
Good luck and keep up the good work!
Paul
 
Arguable the most compelling openings I've ever read on here. You remind me of myself in a bunch of ways so I have no fear you'll pwn this journey.

Just drive it like ya stole it.

Peace.
 
Hello MasterofJune, Your opening entry to your diary like everyone has said was very moving. I, myself am doing this to get in better health so that i can show my son that while I was heavy at one point the goal in life is to be happy and healthy and not big and fat and lazy.. lol :) anyways I am also doing this to surprise my hubby who i will have not seen for over 10 months by the time I see him again at the end of Next April or may of next year.

Congrats on your weight loss thus far and Good Luck with continued success with this journey.
 
T2 Trucker said:
Just drive it like ya stole it.
Click to expand...

Thanks for the Support T2 Trucker! You know I will.

I am sure your hubby will be pleasantly surprised when he comes back Momma4alex. I hope to do the same at our family reunion in the spring.

Everyone on here has been so helpful and supportive. I think this was one of the best things I have done. I mean it too. This forum is going to be a lifesaver. I walked to and from work today for my first step in actually doing the exercise. It was actually refreshing. It was hot, but that just added fire to the fuel.

I kept running through my head that the burning inside my soul to do this was far hotter than the burning heat outside. It was fantastic. I have also been drinking water like crazy. Since I started this, I have noticed that I am not nearly as hungry as I normally am. I am going to drink water before, during and after I eat to help control the hunger.

What a fantastic feeling.

I have to quote a song I have been listening to lately to help me.

"I kiss my fear on the mouth, I keep my existence lean."
 
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