Marsia's Diary

Hi everyone! I get a few days to myself, which I do every year at this time. I really treasure this, as I love to be alone and love the new year and figuring out how I want to change and grow and experiment with trying new things. I am going to learn about motivation and what makes it work this year. I am also going to explore if there is a way to share my love of nature with others, maybe through my art somehow.

I feel really optimistic about the new year and about sharing ideas and supporting each other this year. This forum has really helped me focus on what is important for me in my life and has helped me regain my equanimity in the midst of a pretty stressful year. It seems like the direction I am going in is in giving advice to my hubby and mom and telling them what I wish would happen, but then letting go and letting them make their own decisions and not feeling like I need to be there if things go wrong to pick up the pieces. That was a thankless job and I think I am quitting it in favor of going out and living my own life as much as I can instead now!

Here's to a brand new year and lots of happy exploration and forming new healthy routines and habits!
 
Hi, Marsia. The forum has really helped me to work out lots of things since I started. It's not just thinking out loud, it's also the supportive feedback we give one another. Going out & living your own life as much as you can sounds like a wonderful plan to me. Here's to a year with less stress & worry over everyone else & more enjoyment for us, xoxo
 
Oh, also with the relatives inviting themselves over, they don't get much time off, so tried to see us briefly on their way up the coast. They are also very poor, so it helped them to have a place to stay. But next time we will do things differently. That was too unplanned and too exhausting!

With exercise, Petal, maybe you and I should just start doing a little a day of something we enjoy and not try to tackle the whole 5 days a week thing or 30 minutes thing at first. Glad you got a new computer, and hope you figure out importing links and stuff. I have a really hard time with all that, too.

I got my hubby to let me get a normal number of gifts for people (I get practical gifts now, and he is happier with that) and also he has to join us a little while opening gifts and not act hostile while doing so, and it took me 15 years to condition him to do this. With 15 more, he should like Christmas! He is stubborn, but I am more persistent!

Hi Cate, here's to stretching, looking after ourselves, and thumbing our noses up at stressful things!
 
Marsia I saw a quote about someone’s New Years resolution which is to stop wondering if I’m good enough for other people and to wonder if they are good enough for me .
I got a new iPad . Sharing links I’m not sure I would have a clue lol . Perhaps someone will tell me if I find one to share . Fast internet is on the way though
 
Hi Petal, oops, I meant saving old bookmarks from your old browser to your new browser on your new ipad. I have a laptop, so not sure if you can do that on the ipad. I am not a touch screen person. I have such cold fingers, the touch screen often doesn't register them, so the ipad drives me mad. Glad to hear about the fast internet!!!

Went out for tea with my mom today and took it easy. I had a slightly out of place back yesterday and pulled too much ivy in the garden so had to rest my back today. Tomorrow I start meditating, exercising, and finding clothes that fit better at the bottom of my closet!

New specific goals: either strength training (digging, pulling ivy) or 1/2 hour walking or aerobic exercise 4-5 x a week. I will start with just doing a little something each day and work my way up. At least 3x a week meditation. I think I will start on that right now! And back to calorie counting and no non-keto foods at least until I get to my goal weight. Haven't weighed myself, but am sure I gained weight as I haven't intermittent fasted or calorie counted this week. Back to being serious about getting healthy!!
 
Most of my stuff copied to the new iPad but I had problems with this site . I love my iPad . But generally only use night or morning or like now when I’m lying down for a little .

Hope your back feels better today .
 
A friend posted an image of Morticia Adams smiling conscendingly with the words: I see you're happy; have you weighed yourself yet?
 
Hi Petal! Morticia would be a bit disappointed - I only gained a pound! I like the sentiment of not worrying if I am good enough for other people, but not sure about the part where I ask if they are good enough for me. I hope I can just stop caring so much and just look at the bigger picture this year. I somehow need to stop seeing relationships as unequal power-wise. I am starting to see that most people into feeling more powerful are staving off feeling vulnerable. Maybe there is power in not needing to adjust to other people's insecurities!

My back is a little testy, but mostly better. I think I am supposed to take it easy and just be meditative and relax. It's really nice to do this actually and I've been thinking about motivation and how to really change my outlook so that choosing healthy things is something I expect from myself instead of something I wrestle with. I keep coming back to the Buddhist idea of compassion for oneself and others - the idea that we are bigger than any trap like food addiction or procrastination and that instead we can keep growing stronger through being kind to ourself and to others. We don't have to like everything we see in ourselves or in other people, but accepting things instead of fighting them I think will give me more energy and simplify things. I think I am going to start asking myself what I am doing and why am I doing it. Not in a critical way, but in a curiosity way where I see if I can lean toward choosing more healthy things and seeing where that gets me.
 
Hi, Marsia. I'm enjoying relaxing & just being at the moment. Compassion for oneself & others, acceptance, gratitude, not criticising, being curious are great ways to start the new year. I'm hopeful that 2019 will be a better year. You can't take away stress, but you can learn ways to deal with it.
 
Hi Cate, in what I am reading about equanimity, they say that pain is unavoidable in life, but suffering is optional. So everyone has big and little things that hurt, but if we can sit down and just feel the pain as much as possible and let it go, it doesn't turn into suffering. I tend to fight the pain and try to get the circumstances just right (or the person to see things my way) and try to avoid pain and wind up causing suffering. I am really trying to work on this. It's very hard, because immediately trying to fix things is a knee jerk reaction for me. I actually just dropped a shelf on my big toe joint and had to sit down a half hour and let it release the pain because it hurt so much. I think that is a good metaphor that I need to keep in mind a lot more!
 
Marsia said:
I think I am going to start asking myself what I am doing and why am I doing it. Not in a critical way, but in a curiosity way where I see if I can lean toward choosing more healthy things and seeing where that gets me.
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Sounds great to me! I hope your toe was only hurt and not harmed.
 
Marsia I get emails from the tiny Buddha every few days and it’s always a great read. Your last post about pain and suffering rings true for me. But sometimes it’s hard to know which is which. That’s something I need to work on. Right now I’m carrying either a lot of pain or suffering . Need to work out which. Perhaps both. It’s a work in progress. Think down time over Xmas let a lot of emotions rise to the surface but guess that’s needed too.

Hope the toe is ok . Sounds painful
 
Hi Petal and everyone! My toe looks worse than it feels. Most of it is purple and part of my foot is grey from a big black and blue mark, but it doesn't feel that bad and I can wiggle my toe a lot now, and it was fine on my hour walk today. I went up our road into the redwoods and took a few pictures of the lovely trees in the fading light.

I have been feeling like I really need to take charge of my life a lot more, like I have been waiting for my husband to get less busy so I can go do things, but I think the things I want to do I would have a better time doing on my own. So I am going to experiment with finding a good meditation group, good art classes, and find a nice sketch pad and sketch a lot more. I also want to go to more museums and I am going to start up my free writing sometimes. I feel like I know how I want to change and grow as a person, and I just need to start doing it!

I did well at IF today and ate below the calorie limit, though I didn't record calories, and I walked an hour and meditated a half hour. Going to free write now.
 
Marsia said:
I am going to experiment with finding a good meditation group, good art classes, and find a nice sketch pad and sketch a lot more. I also want to go to more museums and I am going to start up my free writing sometimes. I feel like I know how I want to change and grow as a person, and I just need to start doing it!
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Sounds lovely! Like the nineties song:
Not the needing to leave part but the "nobody´s gonna drag you off to get into the life where you belong" part.
 
Hi LaMa, I really like that part of the song! It is weird how much I have tried to rely on other people to help me define who I am. If I didn't know, how would they?! I found a nice sketch pad and will do a little sketch today, maybe jot down a few ideas for a piece I have been working out in my head. It feels really good to center on what I want to do!
 
Marsia said:
It is weird how much I have tried to rely on other people to help me define who I am. If I didn't know, how would they?! I found a nice sketch pad and will do a little sketch today, maybe jot down a few ideas for a piece I have been working out in my head. It feels really good to center on what I want to do!
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I think when you have been in a long-term relationship, you are inclined to merge a lot of your personality or sense of self. I have found myself needing to redefine that self. It isn't easy though. I like that you are learning to centre on what you want to do. It is not being selfish, it is respecting yourself & your self-worth.
 
Hi Petal, my toe is not too bad, it hurts a little but I can walk on it, so I am happy. I am sitting in the airport eating pistachios going to visit my in laws. I am joining J and my daughter who went down earlier. I didn't want to leave my mom alone too many days - she was sick and also I don't trust that she'll get back from grocery shopping and things ok. I can not believe how many different ways the screeners in airport security can poke and prod you. I was frisked because I have a cloth belt on and my carry on was examined carefully because of my fake sugar and cocao packets being an unusual shape. I'm glad they didn't take my happy food pistachios away! Thanks for the well-wishes! I hope this year is great for you, too!!

Hi Cate, I completely agree about looking at our self worth and valuing it. I feel like with my social anxiety, I just wanted to blend in and be anonymous, but anonymous is boring and makes me feel like a little cog in a big machine. I want to be me again! I am listening to this ex-stand-up-comic who is now a motivational speaker. He, Kyle Cease, wrote a book called I Hope I Screw This Up: How Falling in Love With Your Fears Can Change the World. I will type out some of his quotes from youtube because he is excellent at making facing your fears interesting and fruitful, and he often does it with humor.

My new year is tonight in about 9 hours, but Happy New Year to everyone ahead of me in time!!!
 
Marsia said:
I can not believe how many different ways the screeners in airport security can poke and prod you. I was frisked because I have a cloth belt on and my carry on was examined carefully because of my fake sugar and cocao packets being an unusual shape.
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Happens to me as well sometimes, even without sugar packets and alarms. I remember a lady in Berlin actually grabbing my boobs most aggressively instead of just feeling around the edges of my bra like they normally do. And in Kopenhagen where they had an improvised route to the gate and there was just one dude doing the checks, frisking everyone. He wasn´t creepy about it but it did feel kind of weird.
 
Wow, that's really weird to have screeners be that aggressive - yikes! I haven't flown in a while, and it seems like they have you take more and more out of your carry on to the point where there is almost nothing in it but clothes now. Might as well just have you unpack it in front of them and put it all back!

Had a really nice day with family going to museums and walking around a beautiful park with Spanish buildings and then to great Mexican food and a happy kids' movie. It's really nice to relax and be on vacation, and to have such a positive happy family to hang out with!
 
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