Llama

It was! Sadly they don't do that one very often. But hey: celebrations are all the more special for being rare occasions.
Weighed today and my weight is down a little despite the chip lunch so that's encouraging. Need to plan either a higher calorie breakfast for tomorrow or a proper replacement for my beloved salmon sushi lunch if I want to avoid repeating yesterday's mistake.

I asked Neighbor about her therapist's recovery again yesterday and it turns out they already texted her to say they were taking patients again but she didn't call them because she prefers the way I do things. Which is nice and all, and I get that having me come over is more convenient than going to see someone else somewhere but I don't want to take work away from someone who needs it and I want my free Tuesday afternoons back. So I told her soon I wouldn't have time anymore anyway, with the nice weather and all, and asked her to give them a call. Which she clearly wasn't happy about. I really hope she does it anyway and I don't have to get rude at some point.
 
I hope your neighbour accepts that you helped her but rings her usual place again so that you have your Tuesday afternoon free again. I am used to saying no now without giving a reason. I had to practise it, but I can do it now. I try not to say I'm sorry, but I can't if I'm truly not sorry.
 
Thanks Cate. I hope she'll have made that call and got an appointment by next week but if she hasn't I'll be the bad guy and tell her I won't be coming back after my vacation. She knows I'll be away late April/early May anyway so if she's sensible she'll make sure to get back to her normal therapist right away. They won't have a wait list yet so it shouldn't be an issue. I hope she won't make me be the bad guy here.
 
Had pimped-up porridge for breakfast and it tasted great and filled me up but I really wanted something savory after. I was sensible though, and did some food prep instead. Made leek and mushroom sloppy rice for lunch, which smelled funny at first, turned delightful later, and then went a bit weird again when I added cottage cheese for protein. Somehow I always forget I don't actually like cottage cheese :D Chucked a pack of black bean quasi-tempeh in the airfryer as well and used half of it for the salad I'm packing for dinner. Pan-fried two zucchini and airfried one huge eggplant for easily-grabbable veggies, part of which went into that same salad, along with some raw bell pepper, garlic olives, lettuce, and tomatoes. I also got two of the amazing small baguettes I tend to overeat on and will have either half of one or a whole one with my salad tonight and one whole one will be the base of my come-home-tired-and-hungry lunch tomorrow. Probably with cheese, lettuce, hot sauce and pickles. Oh, and tomorrow's dinner will probably be sloppy rice, this time with airfried halloumi instead of cottage cheese.
 
The sound ritual sounds amazing. It's lovely hearing about all the yummy food you are prepping, too. Air fryer eggplant sounds so good. I can't believe your neighbor is planning to keep relying on you for free pt when she can have her regular therapy back. I hope she thanks you for all you've done for her instead of trying to guilt you for having good boundaries. Yay for weight being down!
 
The sound journey sounds awesome. I remember being at one meditation that used something like that and I really felt the effect as well.
Good for you setting the boundary with the neighbor!
 
Thanks guys, I needed the confirmation that it's ok to be done. I did tell her right from the start that it would be temporary and asked her every couple of weeks if her therapist was doing better yet so she can't actually be surprised. Not liking something is not the same as not understanding.

Work was chaos so didn't have to time to eat dinner properly. Ate most of it after coming home, even though I don't like eating just before bed, because I don't want to be too hungry again tomorrow. Gotta treat this body right.
 
Letting her know should be ok, LLama. You have done her a big favour. Your food sounds great, except for the cottage cheese, which I must never buy again! How exciting having a trip coming up :)
 
The rest of the cottage cheese is going in the trash. Yes, it's wasteful, but I'm not eating something that tastes like vomit to me.

I made it home without falling into a calorie trap! Had my baguette with all the trimmings and it was lovely. I will find other ways to deal with post-shift hunger and fatigue than binging. For now it's time for a nap.
 
Too bad about the cottage cheese--lesson learned I'm sure!
I don't buy it very often but I like it in lasagna.
I hope the nap helps with the hunger--I often eat more when I'm just plain tired.
 
Thank you :) I had a lovely nap and a salad (lunch was late and a lot so I couldn't face anything carb-heavy, especially before meditation class) so right now I'm full of energy and I love the entire world :hurray:
I think because I sleep so much I often don't acknowledge I could actually be tired again after work but maybe I'm just one of those people who need a ton of sleep and it isn't a waste of time or a sign of laziness. Especially when I'll be in bed late again today.
 
Completely wonderful :D
I did have a nightmare about the apocalypse and I'm too wired to go back to sleep. Not quite scared, just caught up in the energy. I used to have to save the world in my dreams up to 3 times a night so maybe that's coming back. Or it could be that the woo talk in meditation class reminds me of when I was still a Catholic and had full-on panic attacks almost every night - really because I had terrible, undiagnosed anxiety but it felt like it was because I was afraid of demons so I prayed frantically until I fell asleep crying - and I don't want to go back there. No: I won't go back there.
Thankfully I had back-up in class last night: the lady next to me was a physicist with a very down-to-earth approach to things. I had a question after class so couldn't go chat with her but I hope to in the future. I generally don't say anything critical because it just takes away from the time we have for exercises, which is what I go there for.
 
Here I thought I was going to fall asleep easily after writing that down but no dice: brain is still churning and the alarm is going to go off in 7 minutes so best to give up on sleep. This is at least the second demon dream I've had in a week so I guess the remnants of those old fears are still alive and well. No real wonder: it's something I stuffed away 25 years ago and while I've thought about it sometimes I've never really had the courage to let it come up, feel it, and let it go. And I still don't, if I'm honest. At least not on my own. Maybe if meditating on it doesn't help I'll ask Lector about it when he gets back from his travels.
 
There is a Hindu image I like a lot which helps me with the fear of evil. It's Shiva dancing and his right food is crushing this little dwarf demon, Apasmara, who is the god of ignorance. His hand is also pointing to the other foot which is lifted into the air while he is dancing. The lifted foot stands for liberation from ignorance, and the right foot is a reminder that we need hardship in order to appreciate the knowledge that we acquire. So, the god of ignorance is immortal because his purpose is to provide hardships for us to overcome in order to get us to appreciate the wisdom we gain from conquering hard things. We can't stamp ignorance and evil completely out, but we can stand on it's back and subdue it while we also celebrate our hard-won strengths and wisdom.

I am amazed at how much energy you have after a full day of physical work. I am not surprised that sometimes it tires you out. I hope you can nap and get caught up on sleep. No fair about the nightmares.
 
Oh, your dreams sound exhausting, Llama. I think I would be inclined to push them back down rather than analyse them. I think the woo-woo part of your meditation classes would keep me awake.
 
Thank you, Marsia: I know what image you mean and I do like it. We actually had a Shiva mantra in one of the early lessons that might be useful. I feel reasonably confident I'll be able to do this myself if I spend some time preparing. Which is basically all we did in my dream: prepare for battle. On some level I knew we could/would win but the imagery was kind of terrifying, the demons were enormous, and there was fire breaking out everywhere. So... not a bad analogy, I guess :)
Cate said:
Oh, your dreams sound exhausting, Llama. I think I would be inclined to push them back down rather than analyse them. I think the woo-woo part of your meditation classes would keep me awake.
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We are very similar in a lot of ways, my friend. But I'm done hiding.
 
Sorry you are having some difficult dreams, but yeah it does make sense to me as one faces more of their stuff head-on in meditation like that. So yeah I like your approach of how to work with that. Excellent that even in the midst of the fearful dream you knew you could/would win...and i like that you might have a new friend potential in that class...

Or it could be that the woo talk in meditation class reminds me of when I was still a Catholic and had full-on panic attacks almost every night - really because I had terrible, undiagnosed anxiety but it felt like it was because I was afraid of demons so I prayed frantically until I fell asleep crying - and I don't want to go back there

I do wonder how much of the idea of demons and stuff was created to explain all of our anxieties that are just within us as part of being human--just a way of helping us put imagery to it so we can work with it in on different levels. In our more scientific world we tend to brush all that aside but I wonder if it can be helpful sometimes in how to work with stuff. The other day when i was walking and afraid, I visualized angels around me protecting me and it really helped. I have been more open to stuff like that lately. But yeah I don't know still what to do with all the existential angst that stays with me. So many layers to fear!
 
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liza3 said:
I do wonder how much of the idea of demons and stuff was created to explain all of our anxieties that are just within us as part of being human--just a way of helping us put imagery to it so we can work with it in on different levels. In our more scientific world we tend to brush all that aside but I wonder if it can be helpful sometimes in how to work with stuff. The other day when i was walking and afraid, I visualized angels around me protecting me and it really helped.
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A lot of our myths probably have roots, distorted though they may be through time and lack of understanding, in our psychology. And I agree that there's nothing wrong with using the power of those stories to influence our psyche in turn, whether we believe stuff to be literally true or not. The first mantra we ever sang in class was a prayer for protection and I love it! Our brains are too complicated for our simple brains to understand so it makes sense to work with metaphors and stories to at least get a feel for concepts we need to function properly.
 
Also: that sloppy rice that went kind of weird with cottage cheese? With halloumi and pine nuts it's a-ma-zing. Also topped with some sprouts because they were ready and I want to have them with everything.
 
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