Lindseybot3k's Diary

Hey Anke!

To be honest, I'm not doing too hot. Summer and being home with access to things that, well, should not be kept around me, has gotten me wayy off track, but I've got just a couple more days till I go back to school. When I'm at school, I'm constantly moving and walking around and I'm not around a bunch food that I'm really tempted by- in fact, I'm disgusted by most of it.
 
Access to things... sex drugs rock n roll? No really, what HAVE you bn doing? And why does it affect your weight loss/gain?
 
Haha, if anything, I've got more access to that sort of thing at school! No, here, my main problem is the food that my mom brings in. Right now- we've got chocolate ice cream, potato chips, and some snack cakes. Last night, for dinner, she made hamburgers and french fries. Some days she acts like she wants to help me with this- and some days she acts like she doesn't care at all and doesn't support me. And on top of it all- what I have here to work out with just doesn't cut it compared to what I can do at school.
 
Hi Lindsey,

I hear what you are saying about your mum - I have the exact same problem here. Try not to let it get you down, think of the progress you have made allreay and just look forward to getting back into good habits when you are back at school and away from your mum for a bit!

Good luck! x
 
Ah, I see. It really is irritating sometimes when others are in control of the food that's going to be around you.

I took over the grocery shopping for my parents a while ago... they were only too glad to not have to do it themselves. And IF we have a cooked dinner, it was me, and it's healthy. Real softies they are, hehe.

When r u going back to school (college or highschool?) - I'm from SA... dunno the terms there :)
 
So yesterday, I went to the gym after dinner. Like expected, it was crowded and noisy, but it was a lot cooler than my dorm room. However...bad gym habits are running rampant at the MU gym. This girl comes in, and hops on the bike, right? She doesn't seem to be working very hard, and all these guys keep on coming up to talk to her. There are girls there just to socialize, guys there just to check girls out...I think I'm going to have to go back to going to the gym in the morning.
 
here are girls there just to socialize, guys there just to check girls out...I think I'm going to have to go back to going to the gym in the morning.
Click to expand...
that happens at every gym unfortunately... :(

I don't get it myself but what can ya do...

you'll find a good time go in get it done and get out :D
 
So, it's been four years or so since I logged into this forum, and I highly doubt that anybody that used to follow this is still around here. I know I don't stay on forums for years, and I highly doubt that anybody else does, either.


I wish I was here to say that I knocked off the weight and I was living a happy, successful life, and that everything was going well. If I did say that, that would be a terrible lie, and if anyone is here that did support me back then, well or if anyone that's here ever read this and felt inspired or hopeful, you don't deserve to be told that sort of lie.


Around the time that I stopped updating this, I went back to college. Long story short, I got involved with a sorority, I got hazed, and my pride and what little self-esteem I had disappeared. I turned to food and drinking while doing whatever I could to fit in, and exercising, something that was starting to make me feel happy, strong, and amazing, fell to the wayside because I was so busy trying to make other people happy. When I finally wisened up and found a way out of the false "sisterhood," my mamaw got terribly sick and my depression came back. I've spent the past year finishing up getting my degree and trying to find the strength to get myself back.


I lost myself trying to be somebody I wasn't, and to be honest, a lot of that had to do with the hazing and the fact that I wanted to be a part of something that made me special so badly and feel like I belonged somewhere, so I was willing to do anything and be anything I was needed to be. I realize now that was idiotic; when I first joined, in my opinion, I was the best that I've ever been. I didn't need to change for them. I realize that I should've stuck to what I was doing, especially seeing as it was helping to combat my depression and honestly, I should've been strong enough and smart enough to remove myself from the situation earlier than I did. I was incredibly weak and stupid, and now, I'm ashamed of myself because I didn't keep up all the amazing work that I did back then. I've looked through this journal to an extent and my PMs from back when I was on here; I had such wonderful support and I teared up when I read that I had inspired someone. I hope that person was able to succeed where I had failed so awfully.


Actually, I hate myself because over the past years, I have gained back everything that I had lost and more, to the point that I'm bigger than what I was before I even started all of this. Now, I have the daunting task of looking for work, finding- no, creating- myself, and trying to chip away at all the damage I've done to myself. So, here am I, eating crow and trying once more to lose weight, but this time to be healthy and happy, not trying to "be normal."
 
This weekend did not go as smoothly as I hoped it would. Currently, I'm living at my mother's house while I look for work and try to get my life together, so I don't have much control of food here, so as of right now I'm just trying to be careful about how much I eat and trying to cut down on snacks. Although I didn't binge this weekend and I didn't have any junk food snacks, eating wise was pretty terrible as we had fast food for most of our dinners or ate out. The good news is, is that I did a lot of walking around shopping this weekend, and I've been drinking a ton of water instead of soda.


Currently, I'm trying out a couple of different calorie counters and trying to figure out how exactly I want to go about losing weight this time around. Last time, I relied primarily on SparkPeople, but I was trying to eat as little as I possibly could, and I was working out five times a week at my lowest weight, and well, the eating as little as I could was not one of my brightest ideas. Seriously, what in the fudge was I thinking? I think my best bet this time around is starting out how I did when I first started to lose weight; that's right, I'm going to bring back my Dance Dance Revolution pad and shake my groove thang! I want to get back into pilates again and try a couple of different work out videos I have, but first of all, I want to get my endurance back up again. I hate having trouble walking when I go shopping; I don't get out of breath, but my feet do hurt after a couple of hours. Actually, walking is not a big issue for me right now- unless it's upstairs, uphill, or for longer than a few hours.


Most days, I feel like I'm a waste of space and life. I mean, I've done nothing really to contribute to society or make a difference in anyone else's life, and I'm nothing special. I have no particularly amazing talents or skills that set me apart, so...what am I doing? I just want to feel like I'm productive and like there is something to me, rather than just being this girl that sits around doing nothing all the time. Losing weight and getting healthy is something that I can do and need to do, but it will also make me feel proud of myself and like I'm doing something with my life right now.
 
I have no idea who you are or what you do in life, but I'm really glad that I just had the privilege to read your two posts, so welcome back. One of my favorite movies is The Color Purple and there's a line in it that I love, Whoopi Goldburg's character says it, it goes, "I'm poor, black, I may even be ugly... but Dear God, I'm here! I'm here!" I love this line because it just says simply that no matter who you are or what kind of situation you're in, at least you're here... breathing, living and alive. What you choose to do with the rest of that is up to you, and I think you're making some pretty good choices since you at least decided to come back. You're strong enough to notice your mistakes and you're aware that you want more for yourself.


I really wish you the best in your journey and I'll be checking on your progress. Hang in there!
 
Dear Lindsey


I too read your last two post and they made me cry a little because I identify with so much that you said. Wanting to belong wanting to fit in - it may be "stupid" but it is really just human. Don't dwell on what you did or did not do just focus on what you are doing now.


I have a tendency to dwell on my failures and mistakes and embarrasing moments in fact there are somethings that if I think about them today 10 years after the fact I still blush with embarrasment and shame like they just happened. It's not healthy and I am working on getting over it because the truth is no one but us really remembers or cares how we F'd up in the past so lets just let it slide away.


I am sure that you are a wonderful person and you are a positive influence in many people's lives you just don't know it.

We are all here battling the same skeletons and we are in it together so you are a part of something you are a part of a group of people trying to make their lives better and as a result also bettering the lives of those around them.


Take care and be strong and rely on this forum for help and support - you will get it I'm sure.


Wishing you a wonderful week.


xxxx
 
Hi Silash and Jenuine! Thank you for all your kind comments, they've really made starting this process over again a lot easier.


I've decided that this time around, instead of using SparkPeople (which I find is wayyyy too much work and annoying because of all the e-mails they send), I'm going to try this phone app called My Fitness Pal. According to My Fitness Pal, I need to eat over 2700 calories a day to lose weight at this moment. I know I'm big, but sheesh, that's a lot of food! I'm not sure if I can eat healthy and get in all those calories, but I'm trying as hard as I can to get close to it. Although...it is nice to have that wiggle room and know that if I do eat unhealthy it's not going to seriously mess up my calorie count for the day as long as I don't binge.


Speaking of which, I was doing AWESOME until dinner. My mom makes this pasta that she calls "cheapy lasagna" which isn't really lasagna, as it's made out of rigatoni, mozzerella cheese, ground beef or turkey, and tomato sauce. Tonight, she used ground turkey, but it's still on the best thing in the world to be eating right now. The good thing is, it didn't screw up my calorie count and I'm still under it, so, uh...bedtime snack?


Today, for the first time in two or three years I got on my recumbent bike! I rode for twenty minutes which seemed like forever, but according to my calorie counter I burned off 430 calories. I was going as fast as I was when I was at my fitest, so I was really impressed with myself! I'm hoping maybe I can do it again tomorrow!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top