Let's get serious again

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Tri, you are sweet. One can dream indeed. I don't think I am as brave as you. I don't think regrets are beneficial to anyone, but if you insisted on me coming up with something that I regret I think I would say that I wish I had been braver when I was younger.
I love reading your diary :)
 
Love the impossible list idea! I'd like to cage dive with sharks but have a terrible terrible phobia - literally think my heart would give out. Even swimming in a pool can be hard!! I love how enthusiastic and motivated you are!
When is your next date?
 
Thanks cate! :)

I have my regrets too, but I agree that they are not beneficial. I am learning more and more to let go of them, to look back on the good things on the past and focus mostly on that. I try to let go of the emotion that the bad part of my past creates (this emotion serves no purpose), and I just try to be rational and analyze it so that I can learn from it (and this is VERY useful... I see my past with all the mistakes that it contains as a gold mine of lessons, that are still waiting to be extracted).

@Sunflower_ - wow, swimming with sharks, that is a cool dream! Facing your fears is something that is scary indeed, but it's also a way to feel more alive than ever. You can work your way towards it... starting from the pool! I think you can do it! :)

My next date is somewhere at the end of the month (with girl#2). I will try to get a date with girl#1, but I think her interest has faded. Will give it one more try. Otherwise... it's her mistake for letting me go! *arrogant laughter* ;)

#Update - Today I plan to run another 10 kilometers. Probably my last run of the week, because it's my fourth run and I think I have done about 45 kilometers in total. That is plenty. On Friday I will take a break day and on Saturday I will cycle 30 kilometers. On Sunday I will do my first run of next week.
On the diet side: I didn't cook yesterday (I had a meeting with someone, no time to go home and cook, so I ate a hamburger at the Burger King :)), but I will today. Looking forward to that!
 
ah... I didn't exercise, I drank 4 beers, ate a hamburger (again) and probably had a calorie surplus of 500-1000 calories over the day. But! I had an unexpected visit with my brother and his girlfriend. We had a good time. Good, meaningful conversations. And a lot of fun!

Life is good!

And it turns out that I have 2 hours in between my work and my evening appointment, that I can spend on exercising (instead of today). So, problem solved.

Goals are important, but life must be celebrated as well! And I think it's not bad if there is a little brake on my weight loss, if anything it has been going too quick. I prefer to lose at an healthy rate anyways. I know that I could reach my ultimate weight in less than 3 months... but if it is 4 or 5 months is not bad. In fact, it may be better.
 
Wise words, Tri. Carpe diem and all that. Also giving your body all it needs to build that athlete´s physique.
 
I have a small dip. Feeling a bit more emotional than normal. A bit lonely, sad and anxious. It started Friday evening. I would meet with my brothers, but my younger brother cancelled last-minute. He does that a lot and I am sick about it. I was really looking forward to it. That seemed to have pushed me in a lower gear.

However, before that, I had a really good week. I ran 35 kilometers in the last week (in 3 runs). My career moved forwards (and more improvement is on the horizon).

Now I should get back. I did not exercise in the last days, but I want to start this new week well with a 10k run. Exercising always helps me feel better too. I will organize my home and do some chores, which is also nice. Perhaps I will take a day off from work tomorrow, I can miss one.

Hoping to return in full force soon!
 
My younger sister is a flake as well...Know how that feels. Hope things get better tomorrow - it sounds like you've had a really positive week and a small blip wont change all that success.
 
Gotta confess... I´m hugely flaky. Not because I don´t want to do things with the people I love but because I can sometimes suddenly end up completely drained of capacity for anything social. Doing quite well right now but last year was often really tough going and I flaked SO MUCH. Which is just to say: don´t take it personally. Hope you feel better soon.
 
Not meaning to pass judgement, I understand feeling drained. I have done it too (I rarely do it now... and if so I communicate well). But, the thing it, he does it all the time and that is when he does it, he gives a veeery obvious excuse, like he thinks that I am stupid and I don't know him. But of course I do. I have told him that I didn't like it, and he apologized and said that it wouldn't happen again. I told him that it can happen sometimes, but that it was the norm. I told him that I could have made other plans. I told him that I found it very unrespectful not to contact me personally to tell me. So, now he knows that I see what is happening, I hope that this pattern stops.

Sometimes you need to act as a mirror to people, let them see their own actions and it's effects. And you need to give your boundaries. At the same time, this is also a mirror for myself, because I also see some areas where I can be a bit more reliable and now I see how that can affect people.

I still feel sad, lonely and anxious. Almost to the point of crying... which is not like me, I never cry. Life seems empty and meaningless, ugh! Really going to take a day off tomorrow. Hope that this phase goes away soon. It usually does. I have been through much darker periods. I think a good night sleep will help.

Tomorrow will be a ME day. No working, just relaxing. Good breakfast with tea, organizing my home with the music on, exercising, reading, all of that and/or whatever I feel like doing. I have worked at least 10 days in a row (sometimes a half day), I think it's good to do nothing for once.
 
I think it's important to communicate that you're disappointed because you were looking forward to someone's company - ajust like it's important to be honest about why you're cancelling last-minute. There was a time when I lied about the reason because I was either embarrassed or afraid people would take my flakiness personally. Turns out the important people will actually understand and help by scheduling activities in a way that 1) won't be overwhelming for me or 2) will still happen and be fun for them if it turns out I'm too exhausted to come. Which is awesome because I won't feel as pressured, and that in turn makes it more likely I'll show up.
 
Sorry to hear you're still feeling low babe..that's no fun :( Hope your quiet day at home will help you recharge your happy batteries.
 
After feeling really excited & super positive I usually have a bit of a crash. Taking some time out & re-charging your batteries is the best solution for me so I hope it works for you too Tri. Take care xo Cate
 
Thanks cate, Sunflower and LaMaria for your kind messages.

I still didn't feel great this morning, but I decided that taking 1 day off should suffice, that another one would not add much and that it's better to get back in my routine. Turned out that was a good choice, I feel much better now. Still not 100%, but around 70% which is fine. Going to work 8 hours today (mostly online learning). After work I will exercise (10k run) and cook a simple but healthy meal.

Some lessons that I draw from this experience:
1. I should not plan to work every day of the week. I should take at least one day off to do other things.
2. It's ok to take a short break if you don't feel well, and if it helps you get back on track.
3. It's also good to have routine in my life. I think I should get a bit more of that. It's nice to do more on autopilot and to maintain good energy levels.

I look forward to get back completely and to start growing again (or shrinking ;))!
 
I agree with all three, although too much autopilot isn't ideal either. Glad you're feeling better.
 
That's true... too much autopilot would be boring. However, a bit more autopilot in some of the basic areas (sleeping/eating/exercising/etc) would be very helpful. But of course not a 24/7 schedule. I like to have free time! ;)

I still feel tired (from not sleeping well the last days, and from work), but at the same time I feel more motivated to grow again!

In the last days I overate most of the days, but today will the first day of a deficit again. It's frustrating that I didn't manage to prevent this, but on the other hand the "damage" that has been done in these days may be on the order of 3000-5000 surplus calories... something that I can recover from in less than a week.

It may feel like I am starting over (from square 1), but in reality I am not. I am sure that I made progress in the last weeks, more than the damage of the last days. Another thing (that I don't think I mentioned in my diary) is that I quit smoking on december 30... I relapsed at the end of the year. I quit 3.5 weeks now and I have no desire to smoke. My lungs/respiratory system is clearing up (it is estimated that your endurance (based on circulation/lung function) improves by 30% or something after quitting smoking. That's a LOT!). Also, I ran about 40 kilometers per week in the last 2 weeks, and I plan to do the same this week. My running endurance has noticably improved. Finally, I have learned a lot about myself and about the importance of mindset, and how to grow my mindset.

Every day I watch some motivational videos or listen to some podcasts, and that give me inspiration/advice. I have listened to some videos by people that I follow about losing motivation, and they describe my experience really closely. Turns out that even the best have this "valley of despair" experience, where they lose motivation (see image of below). Apparently that's a normal part of making a change, and it is key to just keep going and trust the process (unless you realize that your goal/strategy is unrealistic/ineffective, then you may need to try something else). If you keep going, you will see progress.

That's what I am going to do. I will continue doing what I was doing before getting in this valley (with the minor change of allowing myself a bit more free time). I will trust that this process will lead to some nice results! :)

valleyofdespair.png
 
Run was tougher than normal, but it still felt good! I made an easy & healthy meal. I estimate that my calorie deficit is at least 1250 calories today. Assuming the "damage" of the last days is a 5000 calorie surplus, I now have recovered 25%.

During the running, I listened to a podcast, which gave me a lot of extra inspiration. In fact, I already heard this podcast 1.5 times, but it is so good that I need to listen to it a few times. It was about limits, play and boredom. Some of the points that I got out of it is that you should try to treat everyday situations as they are, while looking for the novelty in them, instead of treating them as an obstacle to overcome, as an obligation, a chore or as a joke. I noticed that when I do this with exercising, organizing my home and cooking (a few of ordinary things that I try to do more/better), I see that it really works. I have known this a long time for exercising, but I am also learning it with cooking.

For example, isn't it interesting how much vegetables shrink when you cook them (in a frying pan)? And how it changes in shape? And it is amazing how many ways there are to make pasta... there is a whole history and tradition behind it.

With this perspective in mind, I also realized that I can treat this period of weight loss differently. If I do it right, it is something I only do once in my life, and while it may be natural to see it as an obstacle that needs to be overcome, but I can also treat it as an opportunity to learn a lot (which I am actually doing) and even have fun with it. It is a chapter of the book of my life that I am writing.

Another topic that they talked about was that of restraint vs. constraint. In our culture we need to set limits, with so many options to spend our time, so many things we could eat and drink, so many distractions and so forth. We try to restrain ourself a lot, forcing ourselves to do something or not do something. That is doomed to failure eventually, because there will be a moment when we have more stress and then we are not able to restrain ourselves anymore. A better approach, according to the guest at the podcast, is to constrain ourselves; to accept that there are limits, to accept them willingly, but not only that, to see it as an opportunity to play, to find pleasure. This is actually related to what I described above about cooking/exercising/organizing/etc... these are things that are necessary, and I can set constraints on myself to help me do them routinely, for example, "every day I eat a meal that either I cooked or someone else cooked for me" (instead of thinking: "I should restrain myself from buying fast food". This example is not perfect, but I am trying to say that if I constrain myself, and if I accept that constraints are good (when they the right ones... this may be a bit of a circular argument), I allow myself the opportunity to find pleasure in those activities.

Ok, I am starting to repeat myself. Going to take a shower, then do some chores and finally do 30 minutes of work, before going to bed. Here is the link, in case you are interested: http://www.artofmanliness.com/2016/...limits-uses-boredom-antidote-excessive-irony/
 
I think I know what you mean. Green eggs and ham would never have existed without a silly bet placing an artificial constraint on Dr Seuss. Constraints can definitely get the creative juices flowing, but I think they need to change occasionally in order to remain fun/interesting/productive.
 
I agree LaMa... a bit of variation every now and then is good! :)

Today I will run 5-6 kilometers and cycle 15 kilometers. I will eat yesterday's leftovers (pasta). I aim for another 1250+ calorie deficit... with the goal of compensating for another 25% of the surplus that I got in the weekend.

My weight was 94.0 kg this morning. It was more than 97 kg, so it's quickly dropping... apparently I got a lot of water weight from overeating.

The magic number that I am aiming for now is 91 kg... which is exactly in between my highest weight (106 kg, when I was 26 or so) and my lowest weight (76 kg, when I was 18) in my adult life. After that, a next logical goal would be to try to get my weight permanently below 90 kg. Eventually, I would like to see how close I can get to 76 kg. But that goal is flexible... I may (or may not) have gained muscle and I don't want to lose that to hit some magic number on the scale... and I plan to gain muscle afterwards, which would move the scale up again. But for now it's good to have a clear goal.
 
Maybe... leaving a bad weekend behind you is better than racking up extra deficits. You don't deserve to be punished for feeling bad. Or maybe it's just the thing this time. Just make sure you don't internalize it as punishment, ok?
 
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