kelly's diary
- Thread starter Happychubette
- Start date
Happychubette
Banned
retrospective
Just read Breezy's year in review and thought I would like to harken back in time. When I began my life's biggest challenge I was 30 and I weighed 130 pounds. I was a runner. I was running to get strong enough to leave my ten year marriage. The marriage, which took place in a Krishna temple, wasn't actually that bad, but during it I was extremely repressed and screaming inside my head. I blamed him. It was me. I went from years of being scattered in all directions to a descent in to madness that began two years after the divorce. The day I left the husband I moved in with the boyfriend. Two polar opposites. Partied all night long, full time landscaping school, evenings waitressing, disrupted sleep for two years, how long could I go on without sleep?
Cracked ribs, pleurisy, decompensation, mania, delirium, to the emergency ward for inhalers and woke up in the psych ward. Many lengthy hospital stays. Mania, pain, hallucinations. Employment problems.
The new man? I always knew there was something wrong with his perfect life and I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, even though it was staring me in the face. Marajuana. While I was the educated one, with him I had the stigma of mental illness, and the lost pride of having once been married to a very very smart man. I was the one in the hospital gown. I kept getting worse and worse and after many work interruptions my working life ended at age 37.
I have gone from the void of no work, no one, no incoming phonecalls, interminable hours in the day. I remember my mom taking me to the pool and I would just sit in the kiddy pool, physically there, but unable to enjoy, and the biggest thing was just staring at the seconds pass on the clock on the wall. Time moved at a glacial pace and nothing ever happened to me.
I have rebuilt a life from zero. Did the work without any reward. (Did I just say that? )
Fast forward to now, where I feel privileged to have this great luxury, time. I have friends and acquaintances. I am admired. I have healed my aching loneliness. I have learned to thrive while living alone. My relationship with my two sons, now 18 and 14, keeps getting better all the time. They have gone from peripheral to my world when they were small and I was ill, to central to my daily and future happiness.
I am secretly guilty. My life is completely stress free and time flies. I think the most attractive thing about my appearance is the softness and lack of tension in my face. Its nice to have the time of day.
My highest weight, 220 was reached when I gained 30 pounds in 30 days on a drug called Olanzapine. I ate a lot. I used to wake up with food on my comforter, date squares, slices of cheese, and cooking pasta to eat in the middle of the night.
And after seven years on lithium I began to wet the bed every night for three months, I think. I was maxed out on medication and still having real problems. I fired my old psychiatrist and got a new one who is just like my favourite aunt. God bless her. She added schizoaffective disorder to my diagnosis of bipolar and added the requisite antipsychotic medication which has led to my recovery. I have had so much therapy I feel qualified myself.
So at 220, with chaffed thighs and unable to do up my shoes, I began at Curves. Even the money for this was provided by the mental health clinic because of my problems with weight gain. I had a LOT of help. Started moving a little. Later I somehow lost twenty pounds. Don't ask me how.
I ask myself why I've stayed at this weight for five years. I've needed more time. Have been afraid to be thin (manic) again. Oh to be more comfortable physically and mentally. What would be next???
And here I am. I am on a new course with my eating habits and I have awesome support to continue. That is great news.
I wish this were in my first diary entry.
Anyone still awake?
Just read Breezy's year in review and thought I would like to harken back in time. When I began my life's biggest challenge I was 30 and I weighed 130 pounds. I was a runner. I was running to get strong enough to leave my ten year marriage. The marriage, which took place in a Krishna temple, wasn't actually that bad, but during it I was extremely repressed and screaming inside my head. I blamed him. It was me. I went from years of being scattered in all directions to a descent in to madness that began two years after the divorce. The day I left the husband I moved in with the boyfriend. Two polar opposites. Partied all night long, full time landscaping school, evenings waitressing, disrupted sleep for two years, how long could I go on without sleep?
Cracked ribs, pleurisy, decompensation, mania, delirium, to the emergency ward for inhalers and woke up in the psych ward. Many lengthy hospital stays. Mania, pain, hallucinations. Employment problems.
The new man? I always knew there was something wrong with his perfect life and I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, even though it was staring me in the face. Marajuana. While I was the educated one, with him I had the stigma of mental illness, and the lost pride of having once been married to a very very smart man. I was the one in the hospital gown. I kept getting worse and worse and after many work interruptions my working life ended at age 37.
I have gone from the void of no work, no one, no incoming phonecalls, interminable hours in the day. I remember my mom taking me to the pool and I would just sit in the kiddy pool, physically there, but unable to enjoy, and the biggest thing was just staring at the seconds pass on the clock on the wall. Time moved at a glacial pace and nothing ever happened to me.
I have rebuilt a life from zero. Did the work without any reward. (Did I just say that? )
Fast forward to now, where I feel privileged to have this great luxury, time. I have friends and acquaintances. I am admired. I have healed my aching loneliness. I have learned to thrive while living alone. My relationship with my two sons, now 18 and 14, keeps getting better all the time. They have gone from peripheral to my world when they were small and I was ill, to central to my daily and future happiness.
I am secretly guilty. My life is completely stress free and time flies. I think the most attractive thing about my appearance is the softness and lack of tension in my face. Its nice to have the time of day.
My highest weight, 220 was reached when I gained 30 pounds in 30 days on a drug called Olanzapine. I ate a lot. I used to wake up with food on my comforter, date squares, slices of cheese, and cooking pasta to eat in the middle of the night.
And after seven years on lithium I began to wet the bed every night for three months, I think. I was maxed out on medication and still having real problems. I fired my old psychiatrist and got a new one who is just like my favourite aunt. God bless her. She added schizoaffective disorder to my diagnosis of bipolar and added the requisite antipsychotic medication which has led to my recovery. I have had so much therapy I feel qualified myself.
So at 220, with chaffed thighs and unable to do up my shoes, I began at Curves. Even the money for this was provided by the mental health clinic because of my problems with weight gain. I had a LOT of help. Started moving a little. Later I somehow lost twenty pounds. Don't ask me how.
I ask myself why I've stayed at this weight for five years. I've needed more time. Have been afraid to be thin (manic) again. Oh to be more comfortable physically and mentally. What would be next???
And here I am. I am on a new course with my eating habits and I have awesome support to continue. That is great news.
I wish this were in my first diary entry.
Anyone still awake?
Happychubette
Banned
help
I am so inside my story I can't read it as if for the first time.
I am so inside my story I can't read it as if for the first time.
Cannon 2006
New member
You have been through a lot. I think its made you stronger. That's pretty cool 
Breezyy
New member
I applaud you for all you have achieved! And thank you for sharing your story with us! Sometimes all it takes is someone to listen, but by having that I think you are starting to understand some new things that will help you achieve your final goal. I am a believer that once we figure out whats keeping us from our goals there will be no stopping you Not everyone gets this chance, and not all need it, but I know I had many reasons for my weight that I simply choose not to deal with for 15 years. Once I did the rest of it just all fell together both mentally and physically. I'm excited for you, this looks like a new turning point in your progress.
Not everyone gets this chance, and not all need it, but I know I had many reasons for my weight that I simply choose not to deal with for 15 years. Once I did the rest of it just all fell together both mentally and physically. I'm excited for you, this looks like a new turning point in your progress. 
Sophie335
New member
well done you for picking up the pieces and moving on. the only way now is upwards and you have so much to look forward to - in life and your health! your story is very inspiring to us people who havent been through very much and find weight loss hard - it shows that we have it so much easier and dont have all that much to moan about. i am very proud of you for writing your story and also for being on this journey
It sounds like your 30's have been a period of excess and were both fun and miserable at the same time. I can identify with that, but it's just too bad it cost you so much. Getting your disorders properly diagnosed probably saved your life, it sounds like things really were getting out of control for you.
If you want that entry on the first page, go put it on your first page, you can edit old posts, you know. I do it
Counting from 220, you are almost to your goal, and you are already a third of the way to your "best" weight of 130 lbs. I don't think your troubles are nearly as troubling anymore, to hear you talk. I hope I can get there someday.
If you want that entry on the first page, go put it on your first page, you can edit old posts, you know. I do it
Counting from 220, you are almost to your goal, and you are already a third of the way to your "best" weight of 130 lbs. I don't think your troubles are nearly as troubling anymore, to hear you talk. I hope I can get there someday.
Happychubette
Banned
diary
Thanks for the thoughtful replies. It means a lot.
Thanks to you Breezy, I am relaxing a bit inside, more secure in the knowledge that this desire for and belief in change is not going to go away.
Sophie, thanks for stopping by! What made you come here?
QJay. I made a big mistake when I was 21, and I knew at the time it was a big mistake. I married this unsuspecting gentleman knowing I would leave him one day once I got my act together, once I found myself. I was lost because I was in Ontario. I was lost in Ontario because, I think, I didn't get the direction I needed from my dad, who died when I was 16. My reaction (karma)to that mistake was heavy. Hope I've paid that one in full. Still hoping to make it back to Godhead, or at least to some place better than here, when I die.
I found a sunny picture of myself 15 years ago, I was at the peak of health. Thought it would be an interesting Before picture. Before.
Am planning to take before weight shots this weekend with my son. I have hardly any photos of myself in the past five years. Have avoided the camera.
Having a good look at what others see will awaken in me the desire for change. I think it will help me.
Once I learn how to move that post to the beginning of my diary I'll post a before photo.
Well, I'm off to bed. Glad to be relaxing. Good night everyone.
Thanks for the thoughtful replies. It means a lot.
Thanks to you Breezy, I am relaxing a bit inside, more secure in the knowledge that this desire for and belief in change is not going to go away.
Sophie, thanks for stopping by! What made you come here?
QJay. I made a big mistake when I was 21, and I knew at the time it was a big mistake. I married this unsuspecting gentleman knowing I would leave him one day once I got my act together, once I found myself. I was lost because I was in Ontario. I was lost in Ontario because, I think, I didn't get the direction I needed from my dad, who died when I was 16. My reaction (karma)to that mistake was heavy. Hope I've paid that one in full. Still hoping to make it back to Godhead, or at least to some place better than here, when I die.
I found a sunny picture of myself 15 years ago, I was at the peak of health. Thought it would be an interesting Before picture. Before.
Am planning to take before weight shots this weekend with my son. I have hardly any photos of myself in the past five years. Have avoided the camera.
Having a good look at what others see will awaken in me the desire for change. I think it will help me.
Once I learn how to move that post to the beginning of my diary I'll post a before photo.
Well, I'm off to bed. Glad to be relaxing. Good night everyone.
brazenlysasse
New member
Thank you so much for sharing such an intimate part of yourself with all of us. I am amazed at the inner strength you found to get through everything that may have felt hopeless. You found hope, strength and peace, what an amazing acomplishment. Michelle
If you want motivation, mirror a wall of your bedroom. I have mirrored sliding doors on a huge closet; about 8 feet of motivation every time I step out of the shower and get dressed. I refuse to take them down or turn them around (they ARE reversible) because they are motivation.
That was my intent when I moved into this place, it's going to stay that way, even if it means I avoid looking at them some days. Sooner or later, I'll LIKE having them there, right? At least that's the theory.
Pictures are just painful for me, they have been ever since I was a kid; I hated them more than gym class.
That was my intent when I moved into this place, it's going to stay that way, even if it means I avoid looking at them some days. Sooner or later, I'll LIKE having them there, right? At least that's the theory.
Pictures are just painful for me, they have been ever since I was a kid; I hated them more than gym class.
dariqueen
New member
Thank you for sharing your story Kelly; it's painful, but also very freeing being honest to someone else, even if we are only reading it over the computer.
This makes perfect sense to me...and my thought is that it's a good thing to lose weight slowly, as it gives your mind and emotions a chance to work through their problems, so that by the time you get to your goal, hopefully you'll be mentally ready for it. I remember seeing on Oprah (yes, I watch everyday!), about women who had lost weight faster but gained it back, because they weren't prepared. Not just changing their habits/lifestyle, but also emotionally dealing with whatever was the problem in the first place.
So keep focusing on you, and you'll make it. I have faith in you Kelly; You have the determination you need.
This makes perfect sense to me...and my thought is that it's a good thing to lose weight slowly, as it gives your mind and emotions a chance to work through their problems, so that by the time you get to your goal, hopefully you'll be mentally ready for it. I remember seeing on Oprah (yes, I watch everyday!), about women who had lost weight faster but gained it back, because they weren't prepared. Not just changing their habits/lifestyle, but also emotionally dealing with whatever was the problem in the first place.
So keep focusing on you, and you'll make it. I have faith in you Kelly; You have the determination you need.
cinderelly
New member
I have rebuilt a life from zero. Did the work without any reward. (Did I just say that? ) WOW what an accomplishment, hard to do and rewarding wether you admitt it or not!!!
Fast forward to now, where I feel privileged to have this great luxury, time. I have friends and acquaintances. I am admired. I have healed my aching loneliness. I have learned to thrive while living alone.
These are also great accomplishments and very important - I am still working on the healing aching aloneness - lol - what a good way to put it - I am alone without a partner but actually im never alone - Im raising to great girls - solo - it is hard but worth it!!!
My relationship with my two sons, now 18 and 14, keeps getting better all the time. They have gone from peripheral to my world when they were small and I was ill, to central to my daily and future happiness.
Yes!!! Kids are great arent they - this warmed my heart inside and out to read this and it makes you that much more stronger and amazing that you have been through all this with children
. I think the most attractive thing about my appearance is the softness and lack of tension in my face. Its nice to have the time of day.
Heeheehee I wouldnt what my face says - tired stressed out not enough sleep - blah blah blah
My highest weight, 220 was reached when I gained 30 pounds in 30 days on a drug called Olanzapine. I ate a lot.
WOW...that really does happen hey heavey duty drugs causing major weight gain...that must really suck and do alot to ones self esteem and self image
I fired my old psychiatrist and got a new one who is just like my favourite aunt.
I love that when you meet soemone and you just click - personallities mess and it is liek youve known them all your life especially when it is with someone in your life who is there to help you and you depend upon in a sence
I have had so much therapy I feel qualified myself.
This made me smile
So at 220, with chaffed thighs and unable to do up my shoes, I began at Curves.
Im a Curves Gal - I started at my highest of 240 and am don to 212 now Whooopps 207 - uuummm tlak abt tired geeesh, I cant keep up with my own weight loss - forgot abt 5 lbs there...brain bubble
Have been afraid to be thin (manic) again. Oh to be more comfortable physically and mentally. What would be next???
Being thin scares the hell outta me - I fight that demand alot especially when my scale continues to move downward - eek
And here I am. I am on a new course with my eating habits and I have awesome support to continue. That is great news.
I always thought you were pretty cool - I keep meaning to keep up with your diary adn make you one of my regular stops - I have alot of them - lol - but hten I got sicka nd my work load has dbl - anyway - You are onne amazing woman - congrats to you for gettina s far as you have and Im not even talking abt weight loss - your story is amazing - I stopped by here at the right time - I love reading stories abt personal growth and moving forward and restarting lives and taking charge - *Great big smiles and great big hugs* I also wanted to add that your Canadian - YES!!! Candian girls really do kick ass - I have a pretty good personal story but it doesnt come close to yours Im gld your here and glad you shared !!!
Fast forward to now, where I feel privileged to have this great luxury, time. I have friends and acquaintances. I am admired. I have healed my aching loneliness. I have learned to thrive while living alone.
These are also great accomplishments and very important - I am still working on the healing aching aloneness - lol - what a good way to put it - I am alone without a partner but actually im never alone - Im raising to great girls - solo - it is hard but worth it!!!
My relationship with my two sons, now 18 and 14, keeps getting better all the time. They have gone from peripheral to my world when they were small and I was ill, to central to my daily and future happiness.
Yes!!! Kids are great arent they - this warmed my heart inside and out to read this and it makes you that much more stronger and amazing that you have been through all this with children
. I think the most attractive thing about my appearance is the softness and lack of tension in my face. Its nice to have the time of day.
Heeheehee I wouldnt what my face says - tired stressed out not enough sleep - blah blah blah
My highest weight, 220 was reached when I gained 30 pounds in 30 days on a drug called Olanzapine. I ate a lot.
WOW...that really does happen hey heavey duty drugs causing major weight gain...that must really suck and do alot to ones self esteem and self image
I fired my old psychiatrist and got a new one who is just like my favourite aunt.
I love that when you meet soemone and you just click - personallities mess and it is liek youve known them all your life especially when it is with someone in your life who is there to help you and you depend upon in a sence
I have had so much therapy I feel qualified myself.
This made me smile
So at 220, with chaffed thighs and unable to do up my shoes, I began at Curves.
Im a Curves Gal - I started at my highest of 240 and am don to 212 now
Whooopps 207 - uuummm tlak abt tired geeesh, I cant keep up with my own weight loss - forgot abt 5 lbs there...brain bubbleHave been afraid to be thin (manic) again. Oh to be more comfortable physically and mentally. What would be next???
Being thin scares the hell outta me - I fight that demand alot especially when my scale continues to move downward - eek
And here I am. I am on a new course with my eating habits and I have awesome support to continue. That is great news.
I always thought you were pretty cool - I keep meaning to keep up with your diary adn make you one of my regular stops - I have alot of them - lol - but hten I got sicka nd my work load has dbl - anyway - You are onne amazing woman - congrats to you for gettina s far as you have and Im not even talking abt weight loss - your story is amazing - I stopped by here at the right time - I love reading stories abt personal growth and moving forward and restarting lives and taking charge - *Great big smiles and great big hugs* I also wanted to add that your Canadian - YES!!! Candian girls really do kick ass - I have a pretty good personal story but it doesnt come close to yours
Im gld your here and glad you shared !!!
Last edited:
M2M
New member
Kelly,
All I can say is *good* for you girl!
You have done an amazing job bringing your life to where you want and need it to be! That is SO empowering!
You have overcome so much and at the core, you're strong and a fighter - you won't let the side trips life throws to change your course and direction.
I'm very proud of you!
All I can say is *good* for you girl!
You have done an amazing job bringing your life to where you want and need it to be! That is SO empowering!
You have overcome so much and at the core, you're strong and a fighter - you won't let the side trips life throws to change your course and direction.
I'm very proud of you!
cinderelly
New member
Appearantly we make mistakes for reasons and keep repeating them untill we learn the lessons ... UUUMMM...Im still trying to learn from mine - LOL - maybe one of these days I will get it right!!! Hahaha
Happychubette
Banned
friday
Saw a girlfriend whos been doing hot yoga for a year!
I'm a long way from her shape but at least with the aerobics I will soon be feeling stronger physically. You gotta dress appropriately for that, like spandex underwear. Not there yet! But if I had the money, I would find a way!
Made a delicious vegetable soup with chinese greens, broccoli, snap peas, asparagus, onion and vegetable broth. Green soup, enough for the kids and I for a few days.
Also made carrot pineapple muffins with applesauce instead of oil. Feel differently about stuffing myself with them, delicious as they look, warm on the counter.
Aerobics today followed by an easy 30 minute walk to stretch my legs. Just a bit stiff.
Saw a girlfriend whos been doing hot yoga for a year!
I'm a long way from her shape but at least with the aerobics I will soon be feeling stronger physically. You gotta dress appropriately for that, like spandex underwear. Not there yet! But if I had the money, I would find a way!
Made a delicious vegetable soup with chinese greens, broccoli, snap peas, asparagus, onion and vegetable broth. Green soup, enough for the kids and I for a few days.
Also made carrot pineapple muffins with applesauce instead of oil. Feel differently about stuffing myself with them, delicious as they look, warm on the counter.
Aerobics today followed by an easy 30 minute walk to stretch my legs. Just a bit stiff.
Wow, that soup sounds great!!
So, what's going on for the weekend?
So, what's going on for the weekend?
Happychubette
Banned
weekend/muffins
This weekend, my 17 year old is going to practice driving with his dad.
I'm driving my 14 year old in the early morning to a sports training weekend. He is an air cadet.
The muffins. Well, only a drop of oil in them and half the sugar. They are only slightly sweet. Raw carrot, canned pineapple, unsweetened applesauce. Unbleached flour (sorry, don't know how to bake with the alternative flours - do you?) and wheat bran. I'm guessing 225 calories per.
This weekend, my 17 year old is going to practice driving with his dad.
I'm driving my 14 year old in the early morning to a sports training weekend. He is an air cadet.
The muffins. Well, only a drop of oil in them and half the sugar. They are only slightly sweet. Raw carrot, canned pineapple, unsweetened applesauce. Unbleached flour (sorry, don't know how to bake with the alternative flours - do you?) and wheat bran. I'm guessing 225 calories per.