Quotes and Randomness
"To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury; and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable; and wealthy, not rich; to study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly; to listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart; to bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasion, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious grow up through the common. This is to be my symphony."
"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry rot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
********
Last night after we found out Krista's uncle had passed, a familiar experience happened. Those who know me know I've been unfortunate in my relatively short time here to experience quite a high number of tragic deaths.
I'm not at all certain what I feel about death. It scares me. It intrigues me. It does a lot of things. But without a doubt, it's aways there. Invariably, whenever someone dies tragically, especially when it's at far too young an age, the people around them, for that brief time, realize how fragile life is. They realize how stupid and wasteful it is to let life pass on by.
This world is funny. Our values are all fucked up. Most people, even those who have a ton of it, hold onto their money with a death grip. Or their awesome homes, flat screens... whatever.
These are static items. They're not going anywhere.
Time.
Time is so limited it's not even comprehendable. But we waste it like it's going to be around forever. And we'll do all that we can to focus, appreciate and make use of the silly things at the expense of time and self development.
Krista was sitting on the other couch next to me with a few tears streaming down. I asked her what she's thinking.
"Just how fragile life really is. One moment you're here and the next moment you're not."
I replied...
"You're just now realizing this?" Mind you, she's been with me for what feels like forever and has been witness to many (all actually) of the deaths I've been through.
Her reply...
"No, it's just at times like these it really makes you think about it."
The conversation continued with mostly me talking and it went a little something like this....
When Cory died, it was the most overwhelming experience of my life. Here was a fraction of a small group of friends that were closer than hell. Bonded by our youth. And the next moment Cory was gone. Forever. At the age of 20.
At the time a lot of shit was going through my mind. I was mad at the world. Mad at motorcycles. Mad at Cory for being so fucking stupid. Mad at Troy who let Cory ride his motorcycle. Just plain mad. But that didn't last long.
What made the experience so much more profound was the fact that Cory lived for 2 weeks, lying in an insanely hi-tech hospital bed in Philadelphia. He was paralyzed from the neck down and had no ability to speak. He was fully conscious and aware.
At the age of 20, seeing a comrade like that is about the toughest thing anyone can do. What do you say to him? How do you stop the emotions from bursting out right in front of him? I still remember his mother walking me and another close friend back to the room. Right before we got to the entrance she said, "Just speak to him how you always would. Whatever you do, don't cry. We don't want to make him feel worse."
My thoughts: How the fuck am I not supposed to cry? And Cory. He's not stupid. He has no brain trauma. Just b/c he can't talk or move, I know damn well that he knows he's fucked."
But she was being a mother during a traumatic experience.
I walk in and immediately tears started to fall out of my eyes. It was the saddest thing I had ever seen. I hope it's the saddest thing I ever have to see from this point forward.
Cory had the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen on a person. They said he could communicate by blinking once for yes, twice for no. But we didn't need any blinking to see what Cory was saying. He was ready to leave this Earth. And it was only a matter of time.
Cory lived 2 more weeks and died of complication from pneumonia. I visited as much as I could and realized a lot throughout the experience.
I often think about what most likely was going through Cory's mind as he layed in that hospital bed. Or sometimes I wonder what if it were me? Push aside all the fear, all the sadness... and there are a lot of lessons learned too late.
My point of sharing this story, for what might be the second time on here, is not to tell people to be safer. It's not to relieve myself of some sadness... venting is certainly not what I'm doing.
Coming full circle back to my discussion with Krista, life can be stripped away from you as easily as the football in a game. Each breath could be your last. Each vision could be the last thing you see. The last moment you speak to someone.
This second could be the very last second you have to be great, whatever greatness means to you.
Don't wait for life to hand you lessons over and over again. Don't wait for something or someone else to open your eyes. Be bigger than that. Be wiser. Death is all around us. We will all experience death in our life. Don't let it be your wake up call. Realize today, and every day from this point forward that wasting time is not an option.
Sure, we all have to spend some time doing things we don't enjoy. For some of us this means going to a job we don't love, paying the bills, taking the trash out, etc, etc. But don't be tricked into the repetition of habit of these minute happenings. There's a lot more to life, but as it stands right now, it's only time. What you make of it is what counts.
Since Cory I've lost quite a few friends tragically. None of them left me feeling like I needed to kick myself into high gear. None stood as my wake up call. I only needed to learn that lesson once.
