JadeLynn's Weight Loss Diary

Thank you for leaving a message for me in my journal AthalaRanger. I agree with you about my friend. I have not really interacted with her very much at work. Today i did see her and she said, "Want a piece of candy?" Sigh. I did say "No thank you!"

I did have a better day on Sunday and Monday as well. Today was odd. I felt very good. Was wearing a new pair of very fitted straight pants a work with a blazer that just came to my waist. Definitely was feeling a bit more like my old self. Than tonight. I was very snacky feeling and I did give in a bit. I really think that is stress and boredom. That will be better in the future.

I have continued to pack my lunch. I have been eating fruit, vegetables, yogurt and oatmeal. I do feel physically better. My diet was really nothing but junk and no fruits and vegetables. I have more energy and my stomach is a lot less bloated.

I have not weighed myself though. I know that I don't want to do a daily weigh in because those little bits of weight up and down drive me nuts. I want to step on the scale and see that it has gone down 5 pounds. I will do that soon.

I have been working out. Running and weights. Today was just a cardio/weight DVD and then some quick outer thigh. A little over an hour.

It is still the snacking that is getting to me and it is not because I'm hungry. But that has improved and the quality of my diet has improved a lot.

Lunch has been packed for tomorrow, vegetable pasta. So that is good. Every day is a bit of a challenge, but I am getting there!
 
You're doing a fantastic job. Especially turning down that candy. This time of year is very cruel to us who are trying to lose weight. I'm still struggling. We'll get there eventually. We just need to reprogram ourselves. :)

Good luck when you choose to weigh in. I hope the scale is good to you.
 
So tired tonight. Quick post and then I will get ready for bed.

I had a shamefully bad day today and I am not 100% sure why. I had lunch earlier than usual and that seemed to throw me off. I wish that I didn't have all of these quirks and could just roll with things more easily!

I did have fruit with breakfast and lunch. Chili for dinner..but there was snacking! Bleh!

Ran 3 miles, did a very difficult but short ab routine this morning.

New clothes I've ordered came. They are pretty...bigger size is not. It is so odd to look at something and think..oh that will not fit it will be too big. Put it on and realize it fits.

At least I have some options for things to wear tomorrow.

I am very unhappy but that doesn't seem to be motivating me as much as I'd think. The working out is no problem. But portion size really is. I must have eaten way less before and now this is a very difficult habit to break! It wasn't that long ago that I was 120 pounds and that is ten pounds less than my goal weight!
 
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Just keep at it. You are exercising and that's good. That is the part I am struggling with. When I pick up my clothes, I sometimes think that I could fit 2 of my younger selves in them...and it is the truth. But If we keep working on this then we will get where we want to be and both of us will pick up our clothes thinking that is much too small to fit and then we see that it is actually loose on us. We just have to push through. :) It will be here one day. You can do it. :waving:
 
Yes Leia...we can do it! Thank you for the support!

I was bound and determined that this Saturday wouldn't be the third in a row of me being 'off.' Went to bed by 11 pm and got up by 5am. Ran three miles, chatted on the phone and walked another 3 miles with ankle weights, did a 15 minute Brazilian Butt workout, 9 minute ab rocket pilates workout and 20 minute upperbody workout. Pattern of 'off' Saturdays with late workouts and chores left unfinished hopefully broken!

I have continued to eat more fruits and vegetables. Not nearly as much processed foods and junk. But I still need to create that calorie deficit.

Been doing some Christmas shopping. Mostly all online...hey the coupon works there too and the selection of size/color is better. Oh and no hauling all of the stuff to the car and all of that!

Been also shopping for me. I used to think that squeezing in to tight clothes would 'inspire' me to not eat. Turns out that I just feel so depressed and unattractive that I ate more junk. I've been wearing really baggy tops too.

So logged on to the Victoria's Secret site and $892 later....I have new sexy tops that will fit, but also not make me look frumpy. I am not a frumpy person in any way shape or form. I am also not one to wear ill fitting unflattering clothing and that was really making me feel worse. So much of this is mental. A positive mental way of feeling, will also help me lose weight.

Also bought two pairs of boots, I have a bit of an obsession with boots. This was a splurge..and maybe it seems odd but I really need to feel attractive and motivated. I think it doesn't help that the person I want to be with is so very far away, although we sure do spend a lot of time together. I need to get one of those treadmill desks and attach my laptop to it. I'd probably loose weight much more quickly! Hmmmm not a bad idea!

So now off to bed...don't want to be 'off' tomorrow either.

Hope everyone is well!
 
I have been looking at boots lately. Do you have a pic of the ones you got? And yes, it feels bad to wear the tight clothes that once were baggy, so that is good you go with what fits. We torture ourselves enough without our clothing doing it. :)
 
You are doing great Jade! Exercising and doing pretty good with the eating habits as well. We all have our slips but you seem to be managing. Glad you got some new tops and hopefully they will make you feel better and more confident during this weight loss process.

I've thought about those treadmill desks myself. Not so much for work because they wouldn't pay for it, but at home. Then I wouldn't feel so bad being online playing games and surfing the net because I'm be working out at the same time! But they are pricey...
 
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Hey there Leia! I hope this works. These are the boots that I bought. I am also getting them in pink too.

Some of the clothing arrived and it really is nice to have an easier time picking something to wear that I feel attractive in. Yay!

Hi there icychic! Looks like you are doing well too. 139 Yipeee!
 
I'm a bit behind, but I feel your pain on having bad food days. I had a horrible weekend, but I'm working on getting back on track. It sounds like you're doing a great job with exercise so that should balance out the snacking you've done.

Glad to see you bought yourself some new clothes as a treat. I've never had the privelage of shopping at Victoria's Secret. I'm just way to big for that store. Maybe someday. :)
 
Hi Mandy-I've been much better about bad food days, not perfect, but it is like I am getting in to the habit of adding fruit to my breakfast, maybe a piece of fruit and some cucumbers with lunch and some kind of vegetable with dinner has been pretty typical. Victoria's Secret is a bit over rated. I had to return a bunch of those types because they weren't lined in the back, just the front. Soooo I guess my bra should show??

Today I had a very stressful day. I thought about reaching for a snack. Said to myself.."Is that going to make you feel better? You are trying to self sooth with food to take your mind off of things, stop!"

Then I asked myself what I could have done to have made the day less stressful. Why do I listen to people vent/complain instead of saying, "Look I've got work to do." Why do I get behind in my work hand holding other people.

I'm typically a pretty strong independent person. I don't ask for help a lot. If I need to learn something, then I do the research/study and learn it. If others don't it is not my responsibility to do so.

My boss is manic again...sends out the crazziest work emails with all kinds of CAPITAL LETTERS and !!!! So unprofessional. Sends out incorrect information to people higher up that creates issues and then I politely and privately correct her and get "OH MY GOD!!! THANKS!" And then she sends another incorrect email that makes her look like a complete idiot. It is not my job to calm the "whirling dervish," that is what she calls herself at these times. Why does she think it is acceptable to behave this way? Her problem is her problem...just as mine are mine.

I grew up being the 'fixer.' I fight that urge. I resent the responsibility, but find it very difficult not to step in and smooth things over. Mostly because when they go wrong later, it is just worse. I see my parents and interact with them, but I have distanced myself emotionally from the quite a bit. I 'fix' problems at times, but we are not close. And that is mostly my choice. I refuse to be who they want for me to be. That guilt I really have let go of.

I don't actually feel sorry for these people at work or like I want to enable them, it is a habit. I also do it because I want for them to go away. But they don't, I have conditioned them to come back.

In my personal life, I can fairly easily cut people like this off. But very difficult to avoid them/cut them off at work. I need a new strategy since the way I deal with my personal life won't work.

Then I get stressed out, internalize my anger and snack. Or they take up time and lunch is late and I'm starving and grab something quick.

My needs are just as important as anyone else's. I wonder how many people here are 'fixers?' I suspect that many are, and that fixing other people's issues leads to eventually not dealing with our own feelings, emotions, desires and needs. Some people choose alcohol to cope, some choose drugs and some choose food.

My fiance is the complete opposite of these kinds of people. Very intelligent, very calm, strong...my energy needs to be for him. It is not fair for me to be drained although he is very very understanding. I do try very hard to meet his needs as well. I want for the relationship to be equal. I am not used to being the 'taker' and I certainly don't want for him to ever feel that way.

So this journal entry was about my journey to figure out why I began to use food to self soothe my anxiety and about how I am trying to come up with some actual solutions to the issues that have led to this negative coping mechanism. I don't think that a person is very likely to solve a problem until they can get to the bottom of the reason for the problem.

I am successfully 'reprogramming' myself to add healthier food as well.

Exercise has never been and I doubt will ever be something that I find difficult to motivate myself to do. I think many years ago I programmed myself to do that. I am a creature of habit, the key for me is to develope good habits.

I think maybe I will post a question about being a 'fixer.' I really am quite curious to know if this is a common trait.
 
Jade, I used to listen to motivational tapes and motivational speakers some time ago. They never did much for me, though, but I liked to listen to Les Brown. He doesn't talk about economics only, and neither focuses only on the negatives.

Your post reminded me of this tape;





If you have some free time, I invite you to listen to it. It's not a completely serious tape (I.e: he makes some jokes and laughs) but I think we all can learn from some of the stuff there.

I think the underlying problem here is the people on your job. You need to fix the issues there. If you fix the food issue, you will need to either fix it (the stress from your job) or find another way to cope with it.

I believe I've gained control about my eating. I didn't had to deal with stress eating at that moment, but I suggest starting with what you feel comfortable and what's easier for you. As you feel better and gain confidence you can continue progressing.

Eventually it just becomes a habit and you don't go to food as comfort.

Take care.

-(edit)-

I needed to think a little about this. As for the fixer/taker issue, I don't think I would qualify for any of those. I prefer to do everything alone, most people just drain the life out of me (I.e: The way they behave). Even if they try to help, I rather try alone, fail and learn, than having somebody else 'helping'. They just disconcentrate and stress me.

I've never been too much into solving other people's problems, and eventually, I just stopped stopped caring.

If I do something for a person, if because I like said said person, and I truly want/enjoy making his day a little bit better.
 
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I am certainly a fixer. I've had to make a real effort to be a listener. I've learned to say something that lets the person know I empathize with them while not offering a solution, but the fixer screams the answer the entire time. It is certainly a convenient way to avoid your own problems by focusing on someone else's. Your post seems very therapeutic and your boss sounds like a grade A goober. Obviously the mental aspect of weight loss is the bulk of the problem otherwise it would be simple. If it wasn't this is how it would go:

I'm fat.

You should eat less and exercise more.

Oh!

Now I'm skinny!

If only it was that simple. Nice job working through the mental aspect of this and not strangling the dervish.
 
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Quercus said:
It is certainly a convient way to avoid your own pronlems by focusing on someone elses.
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After thinking about....it seems that's what I do. It's easy to tell someone else what they should do and how to fix their problems. But even if I have the SAME problem I don't always accept the solution I give. It definitely is a way of ignoring your own problems though, and it feels good when you can help someone. But I think I've also been guilty of offering advice to people who weren't asking for it...

It is a very hard habit to break, but being conscious of what you are doing is the first step to changing the way you react.

Good job on finding the root of your snacking habit, and it seems you are already making progress to stop it, yay!
 
Athala,

“I needed to think a little about this. As for the fixer/taker issue, I don't think I would qualify for any of those. I prefer to do everything alone, most people just drain the life out of me (I.e: The way they behave). Even if they try to help, I rather try alone, fail and learn, than having somebody else 'helping'. They just disconcentrate and stress me.

I've never been too much into solving other people's problems, and eventually, I just stopped stopped caring.

If I do something for a person, if because I like said said person, and I truly want/enjoy making his day a little bit better. “

That statement describes me very well. Most people do eventually drain me. If I could find a job that involved very little interaction, I would be quite happy. There are occasions where I want to help someone because I like them. The problem for me becomes when this is an expectation.

All of the issues that I describe have to do with work, because in my personal life I can pull back much easier.
I will listen to those links, thank you very much.

Quercus:
“Obviously the mental aspect of weight loss is the bulk of the problem otherwise it would be simple. If it wasn't this is how it would go:

I'm fat.

You should eat less and exercise more.

Oh!

Now I'm skinny!

If only it was that simple. Nice job working through the mental aspect of this and not strangling the dervish.”

This made me laugh! Thank you for that, but it is also a very valid point. Weight loss would indeed be like this! Not strangling the dervish really is difficult!

Icychic:

“It is a very hard habit to break, but being conscious of what you are doing is the first step to changing the way you react.

Good job on finding the root of your snacking habit, and it seems you are already making progress to stop it, yay!”

It is a hard habit to break. I don’t do this to avoid my own problems though. I only do this at work to try to prevent myself from having future problems. I manage multiple departments within an organization. If one of the other managers has an issue, it can impact me.

And BIIIIG SIIIIGH! I didn’t learn yesterday and ended up in a meeting longer than needed with my crazy boss and another manager discussing that other manager’s issues AND it appears that I will now need to get out of helping to deal with the situation that we were discussing.

This happens because I am a very logical systems kind of thinker. I see the problem in the system and how adjusting that problem, will impact something else and so on. Apparently this is a skill not a lot of people I work with have and so depend on me. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut!

My boss can literally talk for about 8-10 minutes without taking a break, it is very difficult to reply to her ramble and most people cannot seem to keep track of all of her tangents. It is also very difficult to fully explain your position. Then she will have to go and nothing is resolved. She will most likely not change.

I did have a chat with my colleague and explained my major displeasure with her for dragging me in to her problems. The meeting was not supposed to be about that topic and told her to schedule one on one meetings to deal with her own crap!

She got upset and said, “I know, I’m sorry.” Then got all weepy. That is what this particular person does. I must admit, my sympathy is waning.

I work with someone else who is very smart and capable. I notice that he is very particular about the information that he will volunteer. I now understand that he is cautious because if he shares the information, there is then the expectation that he will continue to help with whatever the problem at hand is. I need to take a page out of his book!

Yesterday was a bad day : (

Thanks to all who replied to my post. I never thought about how much this type of work stress has contributed to my weight gain, but now I am really seeing how that has happened!
 
Quick update...posts have been so long.

I'm slowly calming down about Friday. Everything will be okay. I just need to try harder to make sure that people don't take advantage of me when it comes to doing their work.

I was going to run today, but it was so very windy and cold. I don't mind the cold, but the wind tends to blow things in my eye. Didn't want to do any exercises that included a step, so did a Pilates DVD that I have had for years. Was a different kind of workout for me. Not bad.

I was all out of strawberries, so I had an apple with my yogurt and Morning Star Vegetarian Breakfast biscuit. I bought two containers of strawberries at the store. I also bought vegetables for veggie pasta sauce.

I didn't end up eating badly yesterday, although I was headed that way. I am getting better at stopping that. I hope that I can continue. I haven't lost very much weight and that is a bit depressing. I suppose it took a bit of time to revamp my diet a little.

So all and all, things are improving with the diet. And now I have identified my major stressor in life. Apparently identifying this has stressed me out quite a bit, mostly because it involves other people. I can change things about me, but it is difficult to change things about my interactions with them. We shall see.

Hope everyone is well!
 
It certainly sounds like we have similar experiences at work. I get a lot interuptions from a lot of different people and a lot of the time it’s stuff they should know the answers to. It is frustrating.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re calming down and staying on track! :)
 
Mandy said: It certainly sounds like we have similar experiences at work. I get a lot interuptions from a lot of different people and a lot of the time it’s stuff they should know the answers to. It is frustrating.
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Mandy how do you deal with this? Today I wasn't exactly rude, but I wasn't exactly friendly either. I said "Hi" to people but I didn't follow up with "How are you?" And I blissfully avoided my boss, nutter that she is!

Today was a pretty good day eating wise. I did have a small sliver of apple pie with dinner. My neighbor brought it to me. The rest is in the fridge. If it 'calls to me' it will get thrown out! I purposely did not eat a roll with dinner because of the pie. Had a small portion of veggie pasta. I really like it. The sauce is zuchini, squash, red pepper and diced tomatos.

Lunch was a cup of chill and an apple.

Breakfast was a cup of yogurt with strawberries at 4:40 am before my run and then some oatmeal around 9:00 am.

I ran this morning and I have to say that the challenge is something that motivates me. It was 39 degrees Farenheit/3.9 Celcius. Not very windy though. At 5:00 am it is still dark. There are no other runners. There are some people going to work, so I still feel fairly safe. And when I first start it is so cold, but I push myself and then it really doesn't bother me. At almost 41 I feel pretty good doing this. I started running when I was 35. It was something that was difficult for me. That frustrated me because I had been a fitness instructor taught and taken all kinds of classes. So one day I decided I would learn to run.

Running is kind of like life, there are parts that are hard, but if you keep going it gets better. And working through the hard parts make you feel strong. Running is also one of the things that helped me get very thin. Obviously it didn't keep me there, but I think that it has certainly made things better than they could be. At the end when I'm pretty tired, I kick it up a notch and go as fast as I can for the last half a mile.

After my run I played with my dogs outside and did leg lifts with 5 lb ankle weights, came inside and did some abs. Did more abs when I got home from work and some push ups and tricep work. I will get the old me back and I do not intend to lose her ever ever again!

I think it is going to rain tomorrow, so I may have to do an indoor workout. If not I'll run again. When it is warmer I have run in the rain, not too bad as long as I wear a ball cap. But it is hell on my shoes and my iPod ;)

I suppose I wrote this post to remind me that I was able to do something that I put my mind too, which was become a runner. And to remember that hard work and dedication have often been required to get things that I have wanted. And that I got myself there. If there is something that any of you do that makes you feel strong, think about that when you are down. It may sound really silly and I admit that when I'm thinking about myself saying to myself, "Wow look at you fly!" in the mornings, I do feel a bit ridiculous. But it helps, it really does!
 
I do not know what to do about this woman. She has been in a constant manic state all week. It is impossible to talk to her. Her ideas are grandiose, but totally flawed. She can become nasty and have an attitude as well. We cannot stand her. It is just not me, she is making the other people who report to her miserable as well. Her poor assistant has it the worst. She has been in tears on many occasions when this absolute nightmare of a person yelled at her.

Her assistant knows people where this lunatic used to work and they are thrilled that she is gone.

All of this is making it difficult to concentrate on writing in my journal and being focused on other things besides work. When you spend 8+ hours of your day at work it is very tough to just let all of this go. I have never worked for someone like this. And because she intimidates the others I think they have it worse than me. She doesn't intimidate me at all, she makes it very hard for me to keep my cool though. I also sit very far away from her which is another blessing.

So nothing good to report. Maybe I just need to find a new job.

I think I'm going to take a couple days of from this journal. I don't think that ranting about my boss is what it is for. Until I work that situation out, I'm never going to be able to focus on the things that I need to do.
 
So I suppose a couple days turned in to more. Since I have not had too much positive to say, I think it was better to be quiet for a bit. Trying to figure out how to deal with the anger that I feel regarding a lot of things. I realize that food is not the answer.

As I was running this morning, it did sort of make me sad to realize that I really just do not feel like me any more. I do not feel light and graceful. I hope that one day I can get that back.

Last week was not very good eating wise, but I have gotten back on track. Don't think I've lost any more weight, but don't think that I have gained any either. So that is at least something positive. Being more focused on the fact that I have indeed gained more weight than I allowed myself to believe has also taken some getting used to. I also didn't think it would be this hard to lose it.

It makes me feel weak to be like this and I don't like that feeling at all. I have tried adding in a night time workout on the treadmill to burn an additional 400 or so calories, but I dislike washing my hair twice a day and I get really sweaty. I also dislike the way my hair feels when I don't wash it after a workout, that's why I prefer morning workouts. But I will continue to do this at least a couple of times a week. I don't actually mind the time on the treadmill too much.

Today I ran 3 miles and did some abs. I woke up late so that was all I could fit in. I actually took a couple of hours off of work, but made the decision not to add a second workout. Sometimes I get so intense with this that it is stressful and stress seems to make me feel angry and like I want to snack. I told myself that if I didn't snack, that then I didn't have to do the second workout, but if I did snack then I would have to. I did Christmas cards instead.

It is definitely the eating and not exercise that has put the weight on. I have continued to workout. And it is very disheartening to get up at 4:00 am and work so hard, only to realize that I must have been counter acting all of my hard work with food. Of course if I hadn't been working hard, I probably would have gained 40 pounds (shudder!) Sometimes I fear that will happen and I also fear that I will really hate myself if that happens. I am pissed off at myself enough as it is.
 
I'm a little bit proud of myself today. It was a very bad and frustrating day. But I didn't reach for the sweets (which are every where) to try to avoid thinking about the things that happened. Being so much more aware of the reasons that I'm reaching for something is helpful. If I want a cookie because someone baked them and I'd like just one that is okay. If I am feeling some negative emotions that I am trying to avoid dealing with by reaching for that cookie (which will inevitably turn in to many cookies) then I try to catch myself.

I will probably always struggle with certain things in life. But learning how to deal with the stress of multiple people needing/expecting something from me is something that I need to improve on. There is a younger woman that I work with, that I really like. She has a great work ethic and is an honest and good person. Her temperament is a bit like mine and I totally understand the things that upset her, but I also see the toll that it takes on her. She is a lovely young woman, but she is easily 60 pounds overweight. At 24 she has all ready had some health issues due to the way that she deals with stress and how I believe it also contributes to her eating badly.

She and I talked a little bit about this today. How it is not good for us and learning to let go is best for us in the long run. Maybe she and I can encourage each other to not let things get to us so badly. I think neither of us want to fail at our jobs and can be somewhat perfectionist.

So I'm still working through the mental aspects of what has caused me to gain this weight.

Today was a 4 mile run. Arm workout DVD and some abs on my favorite oldie but goody ab machine.

Not as much fruit as I'd like. But all in all not a bad eating day.
 
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