It's do or die! A journey of health.

Argh! Another day with a voracious appetite! This always happens when I have a phase with not much appetite...it's like the few days after I snap out of it my body tries to make up for it by eating three times more than it normally would have!

But I'm determined not to cave in this time. I want these changes, I want a better body and a better mind...so I've got to work through this shit. The more days I manage to push through the easier it will get, I know that.

Today so far: Toasted ham sandwich. But the day is young. I have work this afternoon, which means a good walk, so that should make me feel a little less ruled by the cravings!
 
I have an eating disorder.

This is my reality.

My progress in recovery has been immense. When I think about what I was like 2 years ago...well, I just can't comprehend how my body survived. I have worked hard in therapy and that work has paid off. Though I am still "in recovery" and not "recovered." I accept that this is something that will still affect me. I will have bad days. But my aim is to make the days in between those bad days count for something, to achieve something. And to slowly reduce the impact of those bad days until one day, they're gone.

Yesterday was a bad day. I know what my emotional triggers were. I miss my boyfriend - he's away for 6 weeks. And I can't afford to pay my phone bill right now, and my internet is playing up a lot, so we haven't been able to keep in touch much. And I'm stressed about money - next week my income goes down by $100 a week. And when I was only earning $340 a week to begin with, that's quite a blow. Of course my disordered reaction of spending half a fortune on binge foods is kind of counter-intuitive.

I'm going to write down what I ate yesterday. I don't want it to be something that I'm ashamed of, it just is what it is, and I can learn from it.

So....

Toasted ham sandwich
Magnum
Large bag of doritos
Diet coke
3 dimsims
Nandos half chicken
Nandos large chips

I estimate around 3000 calories.

It's okay. Today is another day...in the course of my life 1000 extra calories isn't going to make much of a difference. But the little changes I manage most days will add up to much more, and that is what will make the difference. Just little improvements every day :)
 
Hey lovely, your last post really struck a chord with me.. I know I have days where I want to lie about what I've had to eat but the only person that hurts is me and I think it's really brave that you're able to be honest with yourself and us about your eating disorder.
Good luck with your goals. Put today behind you and look to tomorrow :)
 
Thanks Sunflower, I really appreciate you dropping in to have a read and offering your support! It means a lot :)

So yesterday went a bit better...calorie wise at least!

I find myself so infuriating. It's like I'm set on a course of self destruction. I know what the root of that is, I've spent years in therapy working on, but it still makes me mad when I struggle to get the better of it.

So although I didn't destroy myself in calories yesterday I did destroy myself with poisonous, nutritionally void food.

Doritos, chocolate icecream, dim sims....the binge foods. I just kept the quantities a lot lower. I also had a stir-fry for lunch.

So I estimated 2150 for the day.

I'll clock in a little later with hopefully a much more glowing review of today!
 
Okay, today has definitely been a lot better. But still very odd in terms of appetite.

I didn't really have any appetite all day. I made myself have a milo for breakfast and a salad for lunch (lettuce, olives, cashews and chili tuna)...but it was a struggle. Then come 7.30pm I was suddenly famished. So for dinner I had some hokkien noodles with chicken and vegetables in a brothy chili sauce and a snickers bar for dessert.

A total of 1700 calories.

It's an hour after dinner and I'm totally hungry again....grrrrrrr....I hate my crazy appetite! I know I've sounded like a total grumble butt lately, but I guess it's better to get it out of my system than to let it build up and lead to a binge. So I'm gunna keep on grumbling! :p hehe
 
I can't ever believe, for myself personally, that tackling food would be a bigger issue than getting active, because before I began dieting this past summer, I hardly moved a muscle.
But the fact of the matter is, food is delicious.
It's meant to be enjoyed. All-around unfair, really.
Make sure not to deny yourself of the occasional indulgence, because if you never allow yourself the foods you love, then it is just as in control of you as it is when you're eating too much. That's definitely what I'm figuring out!

Best of luck on your goals; it's great that you're able to map them out as such.
 
Holy crap! What the feck do Australians cook their potato chips in!??!?!?!?!?!

I ended up having a smallish bag of S&V chips and a glass of red last night. I didn't think it was so crazy out there...last time I was monitoring my calories I lived in the UK and a pack of S&V crisps that size would be about 250 calories max. But nooooooo....here in Oz....435 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! Teaches me not to check the label BEFORE I eat. Krikey.
 
seliwyma said:
Holy crap! What the feck do Australians cook their potato chips in!??!?!?!?!?!

I ended up having a smallish bag of S&V chips and a glass of red last night. I didn't think it was so crazy out there...last time I was monitoring my calories I lived in the UK and a pack of S&V crisps that size would be about 250 calories max. But nooooooo....here in Oz....435 calories!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! Teaches me not to check the label BEFORE I eat. Krikey.
Click to expand...

Whoa....that's a lot of calories, lol. Well, now you know =)
Keeeeeep at it!
 
thanks not.breaking!

Well today wasn't too bad.

For breaky I had a banana/soymilk smoothie (300) a snack was some toast with vegemite (300). Then for lunch I had a salami sandwich (500). Dinner I blew out a little cause I was insanely hungry whilst cooking so I ate 6 pieces of garlic bread (600) then the actual meal was some pasta with a homemade veg sauce (600). And I had a tiny bit of chocolate for dessert (100).

Ooooooookay....so maybe it was a little bit bad. 2400 calories. Urgh. Although, that's about my maintenance level so not disastrous. An improvement on how thing can and have been! One I adapt to these improvements....THEN I can make progress.

Great news is I got a car today! So I can go to the gym regularly now! I'm pretty excited about this because I've had the urge to go to the gym so much lately and just haven't had a means of getting there. So now I can act upon the urge and totally kick arse! :)
 
Snacking whilst I wait for my dinner to cook is a downfall of mine as well! Can't resist picking even if I know my dinner will be ready soon!

Congrats on the car, hun!
 
Cheers!

Okay, so how did today go? I kicked off the day rather productively by vacuuming the floor then heading to the gym! I didn't do that great, I've been feeling a bit exhausted and I think I'm coming down with something...I probably only burned about 250 calories all up but I got in some cardio and weights and I'm going to go back tomorrow morning :)

I ate:

OJ (100)
Pasta (800)
Garlic bread (200)
Gnocchi (700)
Cup of tea w sugar (100)
Dark Chocolate (200)

My aim is to be 2000 calories a day at the moment. I wasn't far off so I'm happy :)
 
Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!!!!!

I'm sick :(

So, no gym this morning. I'm going to try eat fabulously healthy food today because I potentially have a gig tomorrow night so I would very much like to get better.
 
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