If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain

Forget about the dieting for now and concentrate on getting yourself mentally healthy.

Take care of yourself... and do what you have to do for yourself..

and realize there's some things you cannot do alone...
 
sometimes things t hat seem so overwhelming aren't as bad if you start to work on breaking them down into manageable clumps.. and get rid of one clump at a time...

and sometimes saying what's troubling you out loud - or on paper - makes them a lot less fearful than when they are jumbling around in your head...

Just take it one moment at a time...
 
Hang in there.

I'm hoping better days are very close. Just keep your head up & know you are an amazing person. No matter what you face, you can handle it.

Sometimes the answer is right in front of you, it just involves letting go of thing you don't want to. One thing I have learned is that, if I'm not happy, I have to stop doing the same ole things. Look for new things to make me happy. People change & our interest change.

So what if you aren't the same person, we all adjust to life & change. So what if you aren't dieting at the moment. We all do what we can & need to remember that its OUR LIFE, to life OUR way. No judgments. The hardest part of that is learning to not judge ourselves.

BIG HUGS lady.

I'm here if you need me. :)
 
I am sorry to hear that you're so unhappy.

For all that you feel different, I hear many elements of the person I've always responded to. You are so so special Britta. You have wonderful talents and understandings that I'm sure you can put to good use in the future, even if not at this moment.

I have nothing to add to mal's ideas and MoonGoddess's, except to say that I agree with them, I care too, and I will check on you later.

View attachment 6148
 
Hey Britta....

So sorry to hear things aren't going smooth right now. I emailed you a while back. Did you get my email?

If you need to talk, you know where to find me.
 
Hi.
I'm feeling better. Monday was a very bad day. Today could be the same, I don't know. I just wish there was someone here.
I have to figure out something to do that can take my mind off of things. I dont feel like taking care of myself really... but I need something to focus on because it's just too much to feel what I feel right now.
I have work at 1 and a Dr. apt at 11:15.
until then?????
I dont know... i think going outside would be good. but I live downtown...and it's jolting sometimes to be out there with so much going on.
Since I am trying to get my life back together (or thinking about it...or thinking about thinking about it...) I should probably start thinking about how I am going to start taking care of myself.
I have been having dreams lately that I have diabetes.
And I haven't had my period in two months. I did take two pregnancy tests and they were negative... so this shows how bad I am doing right now I think.
There's a song I have been listening to called protection by massive attack... it's what I need right now in a person.
I am just so scared to trust anyone right now. I have never felt so vounerable in my life. I feel like anything could break my right now.
My cousin wants me to see an astrologist to help me understand why I am affected so easily and have a hard time getting back into life.
My therapist wants me to see a woman who looks at your aurora. I am actually surprised cuz after she gave me the woman's card i realized she is the author of a book I bought a couple of years ago.
I am a blue...
Blues are some of the most loving, nurturing and supportive personalities of the Life Colors. They live from their heart and emotions. Their purpose for being on the planet is to give love, to teach love and to learn that they are loved. Their priorities are love, relationships, and spirituality.

Blues are traditionally teachers, counselors, and nurses---basically the loving, nurturers and caretakers on the planet. Blues are constantly helping others. They want to make sure that everyone feels loved and accepted. People are always turning to Blues for comfort and counsel because Blues will always be there for them. They consistently provide a shoulder for others to cry on.

Blues are the most emotional personalities in the aura spectrum. They can cry at the drop of a hat. Blues cry when they are happy, hurt, angry, sad, or for no apparent reason at all. Even watching a sentimental commercial on television can bring on tears.

And also sensitive tan and crystal with red overlay...
People are not born with a Red Overlay. A Red Overlay is usually added to the outer bands of the aura early on in life because the person felt a need for protection. While a Red Overlay can offer protection, it also can become a terrible burden to bear.

The two most common indications that a person is carrying a Red Overlay are either feelings of intense anger and rage, or continuous struggle and self-sabotage. If these people don't eventually remove the Red Overlay from their aura, their protective shield will eventually become their prison.

But I would have to see this woman to get a reading and to fully understand it... but i do remember a time when I wanted to understand this to better understand myself.
These are the things I used to do to work on myself. It's not necessarily a belief system, but I have always found that by looking into different channels, I find out new things or stuff becomes more clear.


anyways......... yea.

I kinda just want to be here to be here so that I can focus my energy on something.
Monday was the scariest day of my life. I kept going in and out of wanting to die and trying to talk to someone. The thing is... I can't ask for help. It goes back to asking the guy I was dating to be there for me when I was raped and seeing him walking away. And then calling my best friend and asking her to be there for me and then not hearing from her for a year. Not to mention the person who raped me was my best guy friend... I get panicky when I think I may have to rely on somebody.

A few weeks ago I was feeling this way and I called dave and told him I was scared I would hurt myself and he said 'you're just not a priority right now' and 'i dont want to waste my time listening to you cry'. This was before we broke up.... before we were even talking about it. I ended up cutting into myself that night.
I hate secrets. I hate that I have had this secret for so long. I finally told my cousin that I cut and she was surprised. But... that's not even what she was most worried about. I don't even think I should post on here what else I did cuz u will all surely think I am crazy...
I want to try to get out of bed today.
Yesterday I ate a caprese sandwhich and a side cobb salad at work. I forgot about dinner and fell asleep immediately when I got home. I did not exercise.

I don't know where to start. It would be nice if there were a plan. It would be nice if someone just told me what to do. I can't even make my own decisions. I can't even decide on what to do to get ready this morning.
 
Steve said:
Hey Britta....

So sorry to hear things aren't going smooth right now. I emailed you a while back. Did you get my email?

If you need to talk, you know where to find me.
Click to expand...

I got it... I don't know what to say. I think I just feel like since I am steadily going downhill I am kind of just a disappointment. I wanted to email u lots of times but... i kinda dont feel like bugging u.
 
Britta Bear said:
I got it... I don't know what to say. I think I just feel like since I am steadily going downhill I am kind of just a disappointment. I wanted to email u lots of times but... i kinda dont feel like bugging u.
Click to expand...

That's just nonsense and you know it.

You think my friends have to be happy in order to recieve care from me?
 
Britta Bear said:
Hi.

I don't know where to start. It would be nice if there were a plan. It would be nice if someone just told me what to do. I can't even make my own decisions. I can't even decide on what to do to get ready this morning.
Click to expand...

Sounds like you need a new therapist because the one you've got - doesn't seem to be helping you to grow or get past your past...

Why not consider moving back with your mother for a while while you decide what you want to do...

What kind of plan do you want?
 
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

What's your purpose Brit?

The rare occasion I hear from you, happy or sad, you're always talking about being a carer. A lover. A nurturer.

If that's your core, you need to use it to find your purpose in life. Without a purpose, we are nothing.

I like this:

It's common to say that trees come from seeds. But how can a tiny seed create a huge tree? Seeds do not contain the resources need to grow a tree. These must come from the medium or environment within which the tree grows. But the seed does provide something that is crucial : a place where the whole of the tree starts to form. As resources such as water and nutrients are drawn in, the seed organizes the process that generates growth. In a sense, the seed is a gateway through which the future possibility of the living tree emerges.
Click to expand...

It seems to me that you have your seed. But for one reason or another, you can't find or you turn away from all the other resources required to transform yourself into what you want to be.

I'm speaking generally here, b/c I have no clue what's actually the problem right now beyond depression. I do know that you need to find a way to pick yourself up though and I think a big part of that is going to come from honing in on your purpose and working at developing it.
 
My therapist is not necessarily the problem... It's that I haven't been focusing much on improving myself. But believe me, she is great. I have grown to really feel like I can trust her. It's been very slow, but that is how it is with anyone. Most people give up because I keep pushing them away. I am so scared of being hurt, and then after our appointments I focus on others when they come to me for a problem and I forget about myself... and start to feel a temporary high from helping somene... and then i come back to reality.
It's time I create my own reality.
I have been thinking a lot about moving to Colorado with my mom. I miss her very much, and there's no comfort like hers, but I dont feel like she can teach me what I need to learn. I need to self comfort right now. Yes I need others, but my main goal is to be for myself what I am wanting in another person.

I want structure. Is this something I can do for myself right now? I don't know. I do know that if I had a basic plan for eating meals and getting some kind of time outdoors, I would probably be more productive with my homework and leisure time. I would also probably put more time into doing creative things that I do really want to do to express all of these mixed up feelings.
 
Instead of overwhelming yourself with 28 changes at once...

Start with babysteps...

Make yourself a plan to go outside 5 days a week for 25 minutes... and follow thru on it...

Then after x amount of time... add in a new change...

you seem to get yourself stuck into doing too much at once that you stop doing any of it - so start with something youo can manage... and do that until it becomes a habit and doesn't seem like effort.. then move on to the next..
 
maleficent said:
Instead of overwhelming yourself with 28 changes at once...

Start with babysteps...

Make yourself a plan to go outside 5 days a week for 25 minutes... and follow thru on it...

Then after x amount of time... add in a new change...

you seem to get yourself stuck into doing too much at once that you stop doing any of it - so start with something youo can manage... and do that until it becomes a habit and doesn't seem like effort.. then move on to the next..
Click to expand...
.... this is very true. I just feel like I am doing nothing if I can't do everything. But I guess we can all see that what I am doing now is nothing.
I dont even eat regularly. I want to just force myself to eat but sometimes I feel guilty in eating, or in any enjoyment really.
 
I just feel like I am doing nothing if I can't do everything.
Click to expand...

well that mindset hasn't been very effective - so start where you can be more effective..
I dont even eat regularly. I want to just force myself to eat but sometimes I feel guilty in eating, or in any enjoyment really.
Click to expand...
your first task wasn't about eating...

You wanted to be told what to do - I'm telling you what to do :) I'm very bossy - I'm telling you to go outside for 25 minutes... One task at a time...

The eating will come later :)
 
Steve said:
“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

What's your purpose Brit?

The rare occasion I hear from you, happy or sad, you're always talking about being a carer. A lover. A nurturer.

If that's your core, you need to use it to find your purpose in life. Without a purpose, we are nothing.

I like this:



It seems to me that you have your seed. But for one reason or another, you can't find or you turn away from all the other resources required to transform yourself into what you want to be.

I'm speaking generally here, b/c I have no clue what's actually the problem right now beyond depression. I do know that you need to find a way to pick yourself up though and I think a big part of that is going to come from honing in on your purpose and working at developing it.
Click to expand...
This brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me of where I was when we met. Going somewhere. Obviously Granna's death set me back a great deal, and it's coming up on the 1 yr. anniversary and I have not gone anywhere.
But yes, I am a loving person. I don't think I am ready to develop this yet if I can't apply it to myself. What do you think?
Thank you for the quote about the seed :) Where did you get that?
 
maleficent said:
well that mindset hasn't been very effective - so start where you can be more effective..

your first task wasn't about eating...

You wanted to be told what to do - I'm telling you what to do :) I'm very bossy - I'm telling you to go outside for 25 minutes... One task at a time...

The eating will come later :)
Click to expand...
haha, ok Mal. I will go walk on the beach after my dr. apt. today. Thank you :):blush5:
 
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