If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain

Britta Bear said:
It's been a year! Are you saying I am too hard on myself?
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everyone is harder on themselves than they deserve to be - be your friend right now - what would you tell your friend if they said the same thing?


But the question remains -where did you see yourself in a year? What were your expectations? Expectations can and do change... and you can't change the past -yesterday is done - can't change that - can't beat yourself up for what you didn't do.. all you can do is do better today... ya know one foot in front of another....

last year is done - the new question is where do you see yourself in a year... or in six months... :D
 
Britta Bear said:
This brought tears to my eyes. It reminds me of where I was when we met. Going somewhere. Obviously Granna's death set me back a great deal, and it's coming up on the 1 yr. anniversary and I have not gone anywhere.
But yes, I am a loving person. I don't think I am ready to develop this yet if I can't apply it to myself. What do you think?
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Getting to a point where you are in a position to help others is going to take time and work on yourself. Obviously tomorrow you can't put your talent or desire to use. But in a year? Two? Who knows what could be. The point is, you have to start someplace.

And Mal is absolutely right. It needs to come by way of babysteps. I'm not depressed but I've been dealing with a lot myself lately and if there's one thing that is more clear to me now than EVER before is, consistent babysteps are the absolute way to any goal. And from my perspective, it's the only way to happiness.... which I'm sure can be disputed.

Thank you for the quote about the seed :) Where did you get that?
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Not sure to be honest, it's on my list I keep saved. I don't know the author.
 
"It's common to say that trees come from seeds. But how could a tiny seed create a huge tree? Seeds do not contain the resources needed to grow a tree. These must come from the medium or environment within which the tree grows. But the seed does provide something that is crucial: a place where the whole of the tree starts to form. As resources such as water and nutrients are drawn in, the seed organizes the process that generates growth. In a sense the seed is the gateway through which the future possibility of the living tree emerges."
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From Presence: Human Purpose and the Field of the Future by Peter Senge, C. Otto Scharmer, Joseph Jaworski, and Betty Sue Flowers
 
Well, thank both of you. I appreciate your friendship very much. I am going to get ready and i will be back later. <3
 
Don't hesistate to use again, please. If I emailed you, that meant I wanted to chat with you..... good or bad.

ETA: that was supposed to be a link to my email but it didn't work.

But you know what it is.
 
I know doctors usually m ake you wait -but heavens to betsy woman - it's been 24 hours - you get lost on your walk?

or are you already doing your outside time today?

how goes brittaworld this first day of spring?
 
maleficent said:
I know doctors usually m ake you wait -but heavens to betsy woman - it's been 24 hours - you get lost on your walk?

or are you already doing your outside time today?

how goes brittaworld this first day of spring?
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Hi Mal :) I am doing a bit better i guess. I am going to get out of bed right now... :/ but...

my dr apt. went well. she is putting me on welburtrin in addition to celexa and wants to follow up in 2 weeks. she said not to worry about my period because it happens with depression.
I did go to the beach yesterday and walked for about an hour and picked up lots of shells and pretty rocks. Then my roomie and i stayed up all night (until 6am) and went through 3 bottles of wine and some hookah. So I am exausted cuz this morning at 7 am some perv called me and the first time it was the wrong number. so then he called me like 10 mins later and i answered cuz i was so out of it (tired) and I didn't even know what was going on the whole time until he hung up but the perv was jerking off! i dunno what to think... i am really freaked out right now because he said he was going to call me more often. I would have hung up had i even been aware of what was going on but he goes 'i wanted to ask u a favor....can u stay on the phone while i finish?' and i just said 'mmhmm' cuz i was so out of it i dont think i knew what he was talking about and then i just remember moans and him 'finishing' and then he was like 'i'd like to call you more to do this'.....wtf i mean the first time he called he really just had the wrong number sooo i dunno what the fuck happened in those 10 minutes! I am so freaked out.
I called my friend and talked to him for like an hour and i think i am getting over it but i feel really used. I called At&t but they can't see his number cuz it was private but they did say they would change my number for free if he keeps calling. Anyways, so i was never able to go back to sleep and i have been like a zombie. i have missed all of my classes this week. I dunno...blah! My dad wants me to come over right now to have a talk about my depression. Wish me luck.

and Mal, thank you for checking in on me... :)
 
you'll do fine.. you're doing what you need to do right now for your mental health - take the phone off the hook so you can go to bed and get a good night's sleep...


i'm gonna get maternal on you for a moment and tell you to be very careful of alcohol consumption with the drugs you've been prescribed and are currently taking... they probably don't mix well... and you are going to want what's best for you - and that might meanlaying off booze for a while...

hang in there lady.. good l uck with dad..
 
Good Morning.
Well some good news: I confronted the phone perv. He called again this morning and I asked what his name was an how old he was and I said I would appreciate it if he didn't call me back again. He said 'do you mind staying on the phone while I finish' and i said 'no i wont, goodbye.'
So I feel much better for standing up to him.
Not so good news, my cousin called me last night and told me she she told my dad everything i told her on Monday night. So basically she told him that I cut and that I took xanax. So my dad called me and asked me to come over and i fell asleep right before i was going to leave and an hour later he was at my house banging on my door and stuff. Neither me or my roomie woke up and i finally heard my phone ringing and when he came in he was really mad and talking about how i dont know what i am doing mixing medications, and stuff, and i told him the dr. is the one prescribing this stuff. But anyways, I feel like I don't know who to turn to. If I can't go to my cousin because she is not going to keep anything confidential, then I might as well move to colorado with my mom. I don't really have anything here anymore except my dad and with the way he was getting so mad at me, i dont really know how to take it. I feel like the last thing i need is for him to get mad. And there are other things he said that just make me feel like I am a failure. I know that is the last thing he wanted me to feel, but i guess it's the way I took it.
Anyways I have to work at 1 today so I am hoping to get some cleaning done. My roomie is moving out today :(. There is another girl who is coming to look at the place over the weekend. She emailed me a pic of her dog Kiwi and she is adorable. The girl is really super nice, we got along well on the phone and she is moving from San Francisco. I am kinda excited, and nervous. Looking for a roommate is like dating.
 
I don't really have anything here anymore except my dad and with the way he was getting so mad at me, i dont really know how to take it. I feel like the last thing i need is for him to get mad. And there are other things he said that just make me feel like I am a failure. I know that is the last thing he wanted me to feel, but i guess it's the way I took it.
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your father cares about you and probably has a hard time expressing that -it can be frustrating watching someone you love do self destructive things... and frustration can manifest itself as anger sometimes...

Your cousin probably told your father becuase they do care about you and knows that you need help - and wants you to get that help... if you knew someone you loved was cutting themselves and weren't able to helpt hem on their own - you know damn well you wouldn't keep it to yourself... you'd do whatever it took to get that person the help that they need...

Instead of feeling like a failure... realize that these people in your life care about you and want you to be healthy...

Did the same doctor prescribe both medications and do they know they did it
 
Well she knows I am seeing a psychologist. I don't see how my dad is going to be able to help the situation, and she knows more than anyone how my relationship with him is. I dont see how telling him helped because now i am never going to reach out in the future.

The doctor prescribed celexia and welbutrin. Another doctor prescribed xanax. I took the xanax to help me calm down though because i was scared i was going to hurt myself. I don't normally take it. I don't normally take vicodin either but that day i did...i don't know how I rationalized it.
 
please please please be careful -

is that something you should be discussing with your therapist? that you could rationalize mixing medications... you do something to avoid hurting yourself but the reality is you could have done a lot of harm to yourself.

your family cares about you...

moving back with your mom isn't a bad idea - it might give you some time to be a kid for a while, to be taken care of for a while - but don't use it as an escape - write a letter to your dad - telling him how you feel - and send it or not.. do the same to your cousin... don't let those bad feelings stick in you.. get rid of them and keep going...
 
How'd it go with the potential new roommmate?

How many times did you get outside over the weekend?

How are you feeling today?

Enquiring minds want to know :)

Hope it's a better week for you
 
maleficent said:
How'd it go with the potential new roommmate?

How many times did you get outside over the weekend?

How are you feeling today?

Enquiring minds want to know :)

Hope it's a better week for you
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Hey Mal,
The potential roomie found a one bedroom place. So I am going to put up pictures on craigslist and hopefully that will spark some interest.

I went outside a little bit yesterday. My dad and his gf came over and i told them about how hard everything is for me and they were very supportive. My mom wants to fly out here but it's just not practical.

I went home from work early on Saturday because I felt a panic attack coming on. My roommate left Saturday and it's been quiet here so I have been listening to a lot of loud music.

Someone left a message on my home phone yesterday and said "happy birthday Thumper!' to my bunny and thumper thought it was his birthday all day. I tried to tell him his birthday is in September and Easter is about Jesus, not bunnies, but he was hopping circles around me (literally) all day.

I started a collage. It's very dark and has a lot of sex in it. I'll take a picture of it when I can and post the link on here.

This morning I opened my laptop really quick around 4am and this guy i used to date imed me and i told him it was ok to call cuz i couldn't focus on the screen cuz i was tired so he calls and tries to convince me to let him come over and hold me and cuddle with me... I keep saying I am not ready but he doesn't accept it. He says I haven't been ready for 2.5 years and when am i going to be? i tell him, no i have been in a relationship for 2.5 years and i dont need someone else to be a distraction right now. He says that someone holding me all night is exactly what I need. Yes it sounds comforting and appealing but i just dont think i want to go into something like that right now.

Today I went over to my dad's and talked to him for a bit and visited with my dog and then I went to the art store and then circuit city and now i am already exausted and a little overwhelmed. I have work at 4:30 and I was going to do a lot before that but I feel like sleeping right now.

Thanks for checking in Mal. :) I am feeling a bit better and have been getting out of bed more but have not been able to make myself spend much time outside or eat unless someone eats with me.

I will check in again later, but i am going to lay down right now. xoxo
 
couldn't focus on the screen cuz i was tired so he calls and tries to convince me to let him come over and hold me and cuddle with me... I keep saying I am not ready but he doesn't accept it. He says I haven't been ready for 2.5 years and when am i going to be? i tell him, no i have been in a relationship for 2.5 years and i dont need someone else to be a distraction right now. He says that someone holding me all night is exactly what I need. Yes it sounds comforting and appealing but i just dont think i want to go into something like that right now.
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this is good practice then saying no to someone and letting it go - don't worry about hurting their feelings -jsut say no.. and keep going... No is No... and that's it - you don't have to be rude about it (or l et me be rude -i'm good at it :D) but don't do something for someone else if you don't want to do it... Don't let yourself be manipulated by your need to not want to hurt people... martyrdom isn't becoming and just leads to morepain... do something because you want to do it..
 
I'm back. I think I'm ready this time... but I need sum pushing. Not much has been going on, but I am doing a lot better.

I have been putting off exercise cuz I know I have gotten so out of shape it's going to be really really hard for me to start over. :( But every one of us has had to start somewhere right?
Food is also an issue, because I have a habit of not eating meals. Sometimes I dont eat all day. I've always done this I know, but I need to figure out like a method of having healthy food available.
It feels so overwhelming and also, i know I was not struggling before when I was on track, but now I can't think of anything I used to eat.
 
I could show you countless people who had impossible odds stacked up against them yet they overcame.

You're out of shape today. Don't let that mean you remain that way tomorrow or the next. Small steps, Brit. That's what it's all about. Small and consistent steps. Progress is not something you have to worry about. It happens naturally when consistency is in place.

Pick something you want to start doing most days of the week. Or a few things if you want to keep it exciting. Make sure they're manageable. Maybe a walk one day, a jog another, and some circuit training from home the other.

And manage your expectations.



With food... why do you think you aren't eating?

Are you binging too?
 
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