I will be skinny again!!!

Well I was gunna update last night but ended up not having time to.
This week has been crap to say the least.
I found out yesterday that my CT scan that was meant to have been booked 6 months ago never got booked. And my appointmnet to review it is on friday. Idiots.
So my check up is now getting postponed unless they get me booked in before friday, come on.. This is the NHS we're talking about, that isn't going to happen!!
Which means, just a few weeks into a brand new job, I'm going to have to take a day off work!
Unless they can squeeze me in the next friday, but still taht depends on me being able to get a CT scan in before then.
I'm gunna ring on monday and chase it up again.
Stupid stupid system :(

Anyway... I've been gone a week, from here anyway, been talking in the challenge threads.
I've decided to start calorie counting again. Eating around 1200 then having a couple of snacks etc. I hav 1200 ish the other day, but had a small glass of full sugar ribena cordial and a chocolate biscuit etc.
I can eat up to around 1800 and lose so I'm not too worried because I'm keeping them in check and I know roughly how many calories I'm having in them.. Which isn't ideal obviously but having that 400-600 calorie gap helps me not feel too restricted so I'm less likely to binge.
Still keeping my carbs quite low too, before I'd be having stupid amounts, up towards 200% of your RDA, yesterday, even with the cheesecake (WW) I still had less than the RDA, which is a lot more than Atkins recommends, but still less than I was eating before.

I'm expecting to gain before I lose though, with coming off Atkins and stuff, especially so suddenly.
But to be honest, I'm not that bothered anymore.
I have bigger things to worry about at the moment, I'm relatively healthy despite being "obese". My blood pressure is fine and all my bloodworks have always come back normal. I don't have asthma (well there is some debate about that with my doctors) and the only thing remotely affecting my health at the moment is stress!! I hope anyway.. This is why I need this check up this week! I think my stomach ache is due to stress, however there are numerous other things it could be due to my health history and my family stuff... I need professional advice, but noooo, stupid admin people can't admit to making a mistake and blame it on everyone else and no one can help me!!
Pah
I hate the NHS!! But I can't afford private.
If I had been able to maybe they wouldn't have taken so long diagnosing me in the first place, and I'd have passed the year mark already and wouldn't be this stressed...
Plus I might have had better A level grades because I wouldn't have been on the stupid medication that didn't even work because I didn't have what they thought was wrong with me.

They made soooo many mistakes during my diagnosis and while in hospital. Like relatively big ones, I haemorrhaged because of their mistake, and they tried to flush my venflon when they shouldn't have, plus I woke up to find someone removing my catheter. Not pleasant I must say!
Pah
It's in the past, just this appointment is bringing it all back..

Anyway, back on topic.

Todays food
Breakfast Was asleep
Lunch Tomatoe and mozzarella salad and spinach, ham, pepper and cucumber salad.
Tea
Supper
Snacks
Drinks 1 pint sugar free squash
 
The NHS is one thing that I definitely don't miss about living in England. Actually I don't miss a lot :D but love to come for a visit. I hope that you manage to get your scan, it must be so frustrating to wait so long and then not get it. My husband needed a CT scan last year and it took 4 days on our national health system.
Good luck with the weight loss :)
 
4 days over here would take a miracle! And I could really do with one lol.
I'm gunna ring on monday and check with the ct department, and if they haven't got i yet I have to ring my surgeons secretary and find out if she's put one in yet.
I'm gunna have to put my foot down though, no fobbing me off this time!!
I don't think they fully understand the urgency of all this to me. The stress is driving me bonkers.
They have my notes, they know what my ct is for yet they still delay it!?
Pricks.

Can you tell I'm still worked up about it? :p
FOod yesterday was good, snacks were not so good.
Brownie and chocolate raisins. Although I hadn't eaten much during the day so prolly wasn't as bad as it felt at the time.
I had chilli for tea, with extra tomatoes, a small portion of rice (yes I weighed it and no i din't eat it all :p) with a weighed amount of grated cheese on top.
Whole serving came to around 650-700, and I left just under half so I prolly ate at most 500, so probably had best part of a 800 calories free for my snacks lol.
It wasn't intentional, I just crave cakey things when I'm stressed so bought everything chocolately in the shop and a bag of brownies. Ate 5 small squares from a bag of 10!

I was expecting about amillion calories but I just looked and it was about 250 for all of them. No where near as bad as it tasted then! Don't dare look at the chocolate raisins though.. OK I probably have to.
I hate that having a diary makes you feel like you have to confess all your sins :p

Balls.. THe raisins are a thousand times worse than the brownie.

Well not literally but I like to exagerate :p That looks like its spelt sooo wrong.

Anyway.. Yesterday I had about (some quick mental arithmetic) 1600 cals including the snacks....
Not bad but not good.
Although I did still get in my 5 a day :)

Today WILL be better.
Despite early morning chocolate munching :( Damn it! I hate being stressed. I don't crave chocolate badly when I'm on, and I can live without it usually.... Except when I'm stressed. Squidgy and creamy things comfort me.
Then I feel guilty.
And then I eat more.,

Gah, I blame it all on the NHS :p (And a little on my shoddy willpower)

Anyway.
Food
Breakfast Chocolate (grrrr)
Lunch HUGE salad. ham and cheese (not a lot) on lettuce, cucumber, tomatoes and peppers. (works out around 3 of my 5 a day in just one meal :))
 
I'm officially in shock...
I got a ct scan through in time!
It's my check up tomorrow, and I had my scan today so it was only just in time!
And she only took one attempt to fine a vein, which makes a nice change!

Still maintaining at the moment still. But getting in loads more exercise and fibre for this weeks challenge.
Done over 6 hours already because I've walked so much this week! Fast sweaty hill walking and canal walking at that!
 
wow. I'm impressed by the NHS for a change - that was actually rather speedy, especially after them messing you around.

Don't feel too bad about the chocolate binge...it happens to us all sooner or later and it sounds like the damage wasn't too bad. Chocolate raisins are terrible considering that half of them should actually be rather healthy. Who would think that a brownie is better than a bunch of chocolate raisins...its just not right...but true.
 
hey not only was it healthier it was tastier too!!
Been so so with my eating, but I figure I have more important things to worry about at the moment.
After my check up they've told me something has changed so I now need another scan. A PET-CT this time. Woo for radiation!
They said it could be something but it could be nothing. So they're checking urgently just in case.
Pah
Stupid NHS again... Not their fault I suppose, it's my body thats f*****g up...
And I sprained my ankle today exercising (playing on the wii :p)
 
Yeah, I heard wii's were bad for your health ;)

Scan scan scan...sounds like a pain to schedule them all in. When do you start your new job?
 
A week on monday :(
I want to start but I'm almost definitely gunn amiss two days of the first two weeks because of the scan and the review.
Then potentially the biopsie and then potentially the mini op.
But, it could be nothing and I might only need the first two. It most probably is nothing because the stuff in my arm is up again so can't see it being related to me first op.
 
I'm so torn.. I don't know whether to be happy or not.

I might be ill and I'm worrying about that. But at the same time, in just over two weeks I'm moving in with my boyfriend and starting a new (sort of well paid) job.

I have to have another PET scan. That wasn't particularly unpleasant but it wasn't brilliant. And I can't be around pregnant women or children for 12 hours afterwards. Which means I might not be able to go to the rest of my training that day.

I know it can't be helped but it's all come at such an inconvenient time.
 
What a stressful time for you. Even though moving in with your boyfriend and starting a new job are good things they are hight stress and then with health worries on top of that. If you can keep your eating together through this then you can keep it together through anything.
I hope that the health problems turn out to be nothing more than a scare. Try not to worry too much about being ill, there is a very high chance that you are fine. Hugs
 
Haha the eatings gone out of the window big style.
Actually though, when I added up some of the stuff I've been eating its not as bad as I first thought.
We've been dog sitting this weekend, it's been amazing and got us even more excited for moving in together, however food has been a bit odd to say the least.

Eating chocolate biscuits and crisps a lot, however the ones that his mum bought in were all 99 calories. And I've been having at most about 5 of these a day (both not of each). It's not good but it's still only 500 junk calories a day.

I've been drinking coke zero, semi skimmed milk and sugarfree squash.

Meals have been pizza (ham and pineapple and really good calorie wise for pizza), spaghetti bolognese with lean mince and no cheese, chicken curry (low cal sauce, good chicken and only a small amount of rice no naans), spicy tomato chicken and chips, spicy tomato soup (full of lentils, surprisingly nice) coco pops (yeah not brill :() and a sausage roll from greggs.

Been really bad for veggies and stuff, but it's a weekend off I suppose, I guess I kinda needed it.
I feel much more relaxed. I've been staying away from facebook as much and the internet in general. Played some video games, danced, walked the dog, played with the dog, cooked and read.
It's been great to get away from real life for a day or two.

Decided last night to google some stuff about whats up with me. My surgeon is an idiot.

I might as well come out with everything (not after sympathy here just rambling).

.................

I just typed a load of crap out, and decided here is not the place.
This is a weightloss forum, I shouldn't be loading out my problems here.
I honestly think I need to see a shrink or something.

I have so much pent up rage and stuff towards this one particular doctor and the whole situation in general.
I'm fine until I start talking about it at which point I can't stop and I get angry and I cry andn I.. I dunno :(

Anyway.
Screw it all.
This could be nothing. I have an enlarged lymph node, could be absolutely nothing. No point worrying... Is there?

I dunno. I wanna cry right now but I can't because thats all I do and my boyfrien ddoesn't understand,
Hes been there through so much with me and he comforts me everytime I cry but I can tell he's getting fed up of it.
He tells me not to google stuff and he tells me to not think about the stuff thats happened because there is nothing I can do about it and i know hes right but once I start iI can't stop.
 
This is your diary and you can write what you want. You are obviously worried about your health and if it helps you to write about it and share your problems then do so.
Of course you have a right to be angry, frightened and sad although as you know it will probably turn out to not be nearly as bad as you are thinking it might be. We are all here for you for whatever problem or worry you might have, it doesn't just have to be about weight loss and you won't be the first or the last to unburden themselve here.
Sending big hugs your way. xxx
 
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time, I understand that it must be extremely frustrating to not know what's going on with your body - especially if you don't trust the doctors that are supposed to be finding that out.

However, I think I agree with your boyfriend that googling your condition isn't a great idea. There's lots of information out there and without a comprehensive knowledge of medicine to put it into context it's very easy to misunderstand what you read and that can lead to unnecessary worries - you don't need that extra stress.

Maybe you should ask your GP to organise some counselling on the NHS if you think it would help to talk to someone about how you feel? They can usually give you 6 to 12 weeks, which isn't a lot but even a couple of sessions can be a great help at stressful times.

I hope you get some reassurance on all this soon and things become easier for you! x
 
I just feel quite let down.
Yes now they're getting their act together and staying on top of it, but it just makes me feel a bit annoyed.

The googling isn't too bad because its quite rare so practically all the information is for patients and really simple. Plus I have a biological background (A Levels , not much but I know a lot more through my applications into biomedical science) so I'm interested scientifically not just as a patient.

My main annoyance is I found in one article that you can get it without a parent having it but if you have it your children have a higher chance of getting it.
My surgeon said no it's ridiculous, no chance whatsoever etc etc.
Cancer Research UK said the chance of getting it if a parent has it is 4 times higher....
Sooo...
I just feel like I need more info, because I do plan to have children, and relatively soon too. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years and we're moving in together in two weeks, and have talked in depth about marriage and children.. But now I feel like I can't without more information if you see what I mean?

It's just annoying more than anything.

On the up side.. I've done so much exercise recently. Dancing games on the wii.. Makes me want to dance again, another goal to work towards I think. I want to be on stage again :)
I did Jazz dancing, but it was more cabaret type stuff... Was brilliant :) And the Dance on Broadway game really brought it back.

I;m soo excited for the Kinect as well. The dance game on that looks amazing!
Plus loads more fitness ones :)

I think concentrating more on the exercise is best for me right now. It makes me forget about stuff and I feel good afterwards.
My food has still been pretty horrendous.. Oops. But I'm home again tomorrow so can be back on track a little more.

Thanks for your replies guys.
I just feel bad for burdening you lot that read this with my worries too. But it's when I start typing that it pours out.
I might find my old diary and start actually writing again.
Or maybe I could write a book? :p
That would be cool, I might be on the 2 for £7 shelf in asda some day :p
 
Hey Ruth, sorry to hear that you are feeling so down about the medical stuff - more information is definitely a good thing, just got to be careful where you get it from. How about contacting one of the cancer charities for more info (if it is related as your post implies) - they even have counsellers / volunteers who have been in the same/similar situations that meet up and talk to other who have been diagnosed with a condition and have questions or just need to talk things through to come to terms with things. These people can be much more friendly and "human" than talking to doctors who make stupid decisions sometimes about how not giving information to patients is sometimes better (!). I personally prefer to be well informed about all my options and whatever is wrong with me but some doctors (not all, just some) have taken upon themselves in the past to patronise me and not want to have an informed medical discussion on that level. However, the internet can be a worrying and dangerous place re medical information!

This is your diary hon, you can moan/rant/waffle/post insiginifcant ramblings/be deeply philopsophical/obessesive about WHATEVER you want or is important to you. So never apologise!

Great that you are doing so well on the exercise front - its like once the momentum starts with exercise, you just want to do it more and more...endorphins or somethign I think!

Anyhows, chin up! Big hugs from across the Pennines!
 
Rant all you like and write as much as you want. I hope that writing it down has helped to get it out of your system a little bit. It's stressful enough moving house and changing your job without health problems to cope with on top of all that. Try and be patient until you move in with your boyfriend as a family row would make things worse for you.
You sound to me as though you are more worried than you think about your health problems and letting every thing really get to you.
Also try not to let it bother you so much that your mum is trying to get information about your illness. She does it because she is worried about you and wants to get as much help as possible.
Your boyfriend sounds very supportive so try and concentrate on the nice life that you are going to have when you live with him.
I really hope that your health worries turn out to be nothing serious and once you are settled into your new home and job you will feel a lot more relaxed and be able to have a better relationship with your family once you haven't got all the resentments.
Sending you huge hugs and hoping that things are better for you soon. xx
 
Just like Eycky said, don't apologise for ranting here -come and let it all spill out! We'll do our best to be supportive.

I'm so sorry that things aren't great at home at the moment. It seems to me that at least some of the issues with your mum will become less of a problem when you move out - when is that? At least then you will be completely independent in terms of food and shopping and cleaning and some of the "you live here so you have to contribute or do things my way" will just not be there any more because you don't live there.

The other stuff - the medical stuff - she's worried about you and is trying to help. I know it doesn't feel like it when she's in appointments and not letting you say what you want - why not write down a list of stuff to ask the doctor and say at the start of the appointment that you have brought a list that you want to cover so you don't forget anything - it kind of gives you the "agenda power" because she can't read off of it, they then both have to listen and you get a prompt to make sure you don't forget to ask anything. Again, you are of the age to legally not tell her you have an appointment or just go, but if my daughter was 19 I would be so upset not to be with her and support her through such a thing. So I guess, as a mother, I can understand what she did but just that she's trampling over you a bit to do it.

Anyhows, lots of hugs and hope things get better soon
 
Oh I understand fully why she's there it just bugs me, last appointment I had I did make a list and did use it but then when he answered me she'd then answer him back instead, but always wrong.
Like I said I wanted to see a specialist, he said theres no need, she then said, but shes feeling scared and thinks that seeing a specialist would help answer her questions. So he asked what I wanted to know and tried to answer so he could fob me off. Whereas I want to see a specialist because I want more detail than he can possibly give me, which I would have said given half a chance.

It's just irritating, but just over a week and I'm out :)

I got my PET scan date too... Monday. The first day of my new job. How bloody typical?!

Food wise today has been pretty bad.. I made cupcakes :( but they do taste mighty fine and are tiny so won't be too bad if I eat them sensibly.

Made a very nice tea though. Chicken with mash and peas and sweetcorn :) Love it :)
 
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