Yay for drugs! Well, the helpful kind, anyway
Awesome! If you´ve talked about I can´t remember but having a goal is rarely a bad thing.
Indeed.
My lunch ended up being much better/balanced than I originally aimed at: rice, bok choy, corn, two eggs, and an apple as I was waiting for the rice to cook. I have noticed that 1dl of dry rice (+3dl of water) seems to be the best portion size for me as I have issues with eating enough volume-wise, which makes my gut issues and tiredness worse. And I like the routine of making rice; measuring it, rinsing and washing it, smelling it as it cooks. Basically the instructed portion size is 0,75 dl but if 1dl works for me and makes it easier for me to build a balanced meal around the rice, why shouldn't I?
During my last low I noticed once again that there's a pattern when it comes to my mental health. When I feel good, I'm obviously taking much better care of my nutrition. This should be my baseline, my "green". Issue is, I tend to overexert myself. It's fine to dip into the orange, like weight training or keeping up a meticulous cleaning routine. However, if I go too deep into the orange zone, especially if I have emotionally draining stuff going on like therapy or being social, I risk going into the red.
That's when I usually stop eating and taking my ADHD meds, because those two must be done together. When this happens, I'm risking turning to beer as a substitute for food. This issue is much less of a problem for me than it was when I started this diary, but it's something I have to be mindful of. Another thing of course is that alcohol is a depressant, so when my CNS is running red-hot, it actually does have short term benefits to my functionality. The issue is that I don't have a drink to unwind and then actually unwind, I drink to get even more stuff done, and bam, then I'm in the black when I'm just too tired to even shower and need to rest for several days. (It doesn't require alcohol or other substances to get me there, this is just a pattern that I notice. This time what took me to the black was the muscle relaxants which made me too tired to function, and things started to pile up and stress me out. Sometimes it's been working out too much and then having a panic attack, like the last time I went to the gym.)
Of course, I always bounce back up eventually, and autistic burnouts are often not possible to completely avoid. But I do want to think up things that I can use to make myself rest and relax when things are starting to get too much for me. And I absolutely have to unlearn the shame I feel when I do rest. I would spare myself from so much if I could rest before things get unbearable; this is also something I will absolutely need to be able to do as the entrance exams begin, and later in the studies. I went through Uni like a mountaineer, uphill downhill. I did excellently, but at what cost to my health?
The big nice meal with lots of fiber and veg helped bring my jitters down so this is something I need to teach myself to turn to first. I'll also try to start keeping my gym shoes, lock, and water bottle in my backpack at all times, because I've often noticed that inspiration to hit the gym awakens when I'm running some other errand in the vicinity, but of course it passes when I get home and should walk or commute back to the city center. The backpack might start smelling of feet, but whatever lol.
Plan for tonight: wipe and wash the GODDAMN FLOORS. Run the dishwasher. Don't overdo it. And don't text the ex.
with LaMa.