Floater's diary

Floater

Well-known member
You're doing so well and you deserve all the good things you're building for yourself.
Thank you so much! And yeah, I feel a bit ashamed for exposing other people to that disgusting thing that happened, but I'm glad you stopped in time... That's why I put the trigger warnings there.

Today I've been in a pretty stable mood. I woke up early to walk the dog, and then had a nap. I haven't really had an appetite but did manage to eat the rest of the curry (tasted like wall; a sure sign that there's stress bubbling under, as I have therapy tomorrow), and later on a bit of rice noodles with bean sprouts; and just now a miso egg. I obviously need to eat more but I notice myself getting hungry, so that's a good thing.

I had such a nice time with the assistance person who came in today, we walked the dog and I shared the new career idea I have, and she was really excited for me. I did some chores too, and ordered kibble and bones for my dog. She'll be here tomorrow morning before therapy, so that should make it easier for me to eat before therapy to avoid getting physically overwhelmed in combination of being psychologically drained afterwards. But it helps to know that now I have that terrible event written down and I don't need to rely on my memory as I share it; for some reason, writing stuff down makes everything so much more tolerable.

Take care everyone!
 

LaMaria

Well-known member
But it helps to know that now I have that terrible event written down and I don't need to rely on my memory as I share it; for some reason, writing stuff down makes everything so much more tolerable.
You don't have to rely on your memory to share it anymore but maybe you also don't have to hold it in your head anymore to know it was real and you're allowed to be angry about it. I'm tired so I don't know if this makes sense but for me writing things down often makes it easier to no longer think of them.
 

Floater

Well-known member
I ate well late last night - the rest of the rice noodles fried with lots of tofu, sprouts, and mushrooms, and 200g of Greek yogurt with cherry jam, and later four slices of rye bread with smoked salmon and my last 32g bag of seaweed chips.

I didn't sleep too well, and woke up to the dog peeing in the bed. As usual, it was just a little bit of it, but it still makes me sad when it happens. I took her out, gave her food and her eye medicine, then changed the sheets and wiped the floors with a static cloth, took a shower, and then assistance arrived. I cleaned up the kitchen and had breakfast (200g of Greek yogurt and cherry jam) and had my meds and coffee. It was nice that she came over before therapy, because I felt really calm and in the present in therapy despite having to go through the memory.

After therapy I went to another Asian store but they didn't have seaweed chips. I bought a big bag of dried wakame instead! It's a slightly different kind from what sushi restaurants use for their salad (they use a thin, emerald green variety), this one is darker and leafier, but tastes just as good. I mean, the restaurant stuff mostly tastes of rice wine vinegar and sugar anyway, so. :D [EDIT: I did some reading and the emerald color comes form dunking it into an ice bath after cutting it into thin strips after rehydration! Interesting!

I also got two chicken legs, tortilla wraps for future use, and two wheat beers from the supermarket, because I knew it's extremely important that I eat as soon I get home, otherwise the emotional backlash from therapy might get to me. I ate the chicken legs while standing up and gave my dog tiny scraps of the meat as well. After that I had a bowl of miso soup with pre-soaked wakame, tofu, sprouts, and raw shiitake. I have to start keeping miso paste and seaweed around at all times, because it's nice to be able to have a meal that only requires boiling water and a little bit of chopping.
 
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LaMaria

Well-known member
It was nice that she came over before therapy, because I felt really calm and in the present in therapy despite having to go through the memory.
That's awesome, glad to hear it.
I did some reading and the emerald color comes form dunking it into an ice bath after cutting it into thin strips after rehydration!
How interesting. I guess it's like dunking green beans or spinach into ice water after blanching to preserve the color. I'm always a bit scared of the iodine levels in seaweed but given that I live in a landlocked country maybe having some occasionally would be a good thing.
 

Floater

Well-known member
I'm always a bit scared of the iodine levels in seaweed
This is definitely something to be aware of, but I have noticed before that I crave and eat seaweed products periodically, then go several moths without. And after all, in many cultures seaweed is a daily staple as a condiment; not as a main course on a constant basis of course.

I just made tacos with spicy/hot black bean and spinach stuffing, rice, and cheese. I used nutritional yeast and concentrated tomato paste to thicken and flavor the stuffing, and to be honest, it would not have needed the cheese on top of that :D I won't be able to finish all the tacos I made in one sitting, so I decided to bake them in the oven to make the crust crispy and the fillings thoroughly piping hot and safe for storage. I'm sure they'll taste great tomorrow as well.
 

Floater

Well-known member
I'm glad I'm not hungry reading about your delicious-sounding food. :)
I'm just astonished that I have been able to eat and even cook on a _therapy day_.

By the way. I told the therapist about my new career idea, and while he acknowledged my anxieties about how the entrance exams will be rough and I might need several tries to get in, he seemed positively giddy about the career itself and pointed out several things he thought would make me a good fit for it. I will share this dream here soon, but I still have to allow myself to really feel and believe that it's ok to reach for this thing I really really want, even if it might be a "stupid" career choice.

I know in my heart that it will work out, though. A good solid dream is the best antidote against failures and re-tries.
 

Floater

Well-known member
I woke up with a cold :( It's very mild thankfully. I've slept a lot, drank tea and miso broth with tofu, I should be fine in a few days. I could try the sauna later.
 

Floater

Well-known member
Good news: while I can definitely feel that there's something going on with my body, the swelling and soreness in my throat is getting a bit better. I'm super tired and keep drifting in and out, and my ears hurt, but it looks like it's nothing serious! I have been able to snack on small portions of miso broth, bread, and one of yesterday´s quesadillas. I've also drank a lot of white tea and maté.

I might make egg drop soup for dinner, as I have chopped onion in the fridge and it's a quick and easy dish with a lot of protein. I'll put corn, shiitake and tofu in it too.
 

Floater

Well-known member
I promise I'll tell you soon! It's just so huge and scary, to really aim where I have dreamt of for so long...

@LaMaria thanks for the reminder, congee is incredible and I have half an onion to use up. Caramelized on some edamame congee... With corn and two fried eggs... *drool*

I just had two cheesy snack quesadillas with cheese and hot sauce, a bowl of soba with spring onion, garlic, tofu and nutritional yeast, and four slices of rye bread with maple syrup, peanut butter, marg and smoked salt. I could still eat! I think my body wants nutrients to help in the healing. If this persists, maybe I'll make some late night congee!

Sauna was really relaxing even though I didn't like looking at my body in my reflection on the glass door. But that's dysphoria. I felt better clothed.
 

Floater

Well-known member
I'm having my first meal of the day, bean, spinach and rice quesadillas from two days ago. I have mostly just been sleeping, only took the dog out twice for short walks and then headed right back to bed. But I feel pretty much OK now, with only a slight tightness in my chest, but no breathing difficulties or cough, and my throat is back to normal. So I'll just take it easy tonight.

I just finished cleaning the kitchen. I think I'll make a tomato-based soy mince and black bean sauce that should last me a couple of days when used in different meals (as pasta sauce, in tortillas/quesadillas, as sloppy joes etc). I have to go buy more tortilla wraps and grated cheese but that's 4 euros, tops. I can take out my recyclables and the money form them probably covers the purchases.

The only thing that brings me down a bit/gives me anxiety right now is that I'm already out of money and it's 11 days until my next benefits day. (My ex -bless him - already promised that he can help me by borrowing me some money, as I still have my gym bill coming up as well as banking expenses, and of course it's always nicer/safer to have at least some money in the bank than nothing at all). What annoys me a lot is that I once again forgot that this was one of my home insurance payment months, which is billed straight form my bank account, so one day I had plenty of money to go by and the next I checked my balance and had a moment of cold sweats. But that's life. With all I have been going through mentally, it would be cruel of myself towards myself to blame myself for not being on top of my game. Luckily, my cupboard and freezer are well stacked, so even if I might have to eat food that is a bit boring, I'm not going to have to go hungry. Another positive is that the usual benefits day is the 3rd of each month and in October that's a Sunday, so the payments arrive on 1.10 already. I will be just fine, I'll just have to put a bit more thinking into my meals, and be a bit more prudent next month.
 

Floater

Well-known member
Yay, the soy mince and black bean chili is all done - I think I'll share a recipe, as it smells and tastes incredibly nice. It's also one of those dishes that gets better overnight. It's a shame I didn't have any fresh chilies around, but hot sauce is fine too. And I pre-ordered next months' food delivery. It always gives me a sense of control and safety to know that I can use up my staples without worrying, because the replacements will arrive on benefits day.

Soy mince and black bean chili:

Ingredients:
onion, one small carrot, one stalk of celery, garlic to taste, one tomato
tomato paste, soy sauce or stock, good quality cooking oil like sesame or walnut oil, hot sauce
cinnamon, nutmeg, bay leaves; a pinch of salt, a pinch of sugar
a can of black beans
2 dl of dry soy mince
boiled water
nutritional yeast to deepen flavor (optional)

Start by slicing the onion and placing it into a large pot with the cooking oil, on medium heat. Add the salt and sugar and stir vigorously; once these have dissolved, cube the celery and carrot, add them into the pot, and let the ingredients soften until translucent. Add in the finely chopped garlic and turn up the heat. Add half a teaspoon of cinnamon and nutmeg each, and three bay leaves or so; stir in until the spices become fragrant.

At this point, add in a roughly chopped fresh tomato, stir, and add the dry soy mince. Stir vigorously to allow the dry mince suck in moisture, oil and spices from the base mixture. I usually add a bit of oil on top of the mince at this point, as it has practically no fat in it. Careful to not let the soy mince burn during toasting, add boiling water until the mixture is fully covered, and a big dollop of concentrated tomato paste. (If you are using canned tomatoes, adjust the water accordingly to not turn the mixture into soup.)

Turn the heat on low, as soy mince tends to get porridge-y if it's boiled too aggressively. Add the carefully rinsed, canned black beans and stir. Add water if the dish looks too thick; soy mince will absorb a lot of water! Add the soy sauce (or stock) and the hot sauce at this point to taste, and add the nutritional yeast as well if desired.

Put on the lid, turn off the heat and let the dish sit for 15-30 minutes to let the flavors intensify. Cool it down, store in the fridge and eat within the next four days. It can be eaten immediately of course, but the flavors get richer when the dish is re-heated.

Some meal ideas: use in a shepherd's pie or simply bake in the oven with potato slices on top; eat with a side of pasta with cheese, or with rice, lime juice and spring onions; in a sloppy joe; in tortillas/quesadillas; or add water and make a minestrone style soup out of it.
 

Floater

Well-known member
Oh yeah! Found some cheap cheddar (not the best quality, but perfectly fine for cooking) and my favorite tortillas. I'm roasting chickpeas with some sesame oil, jalapeno sauce, mushroom soy sauce, nutritional yeast and maple syrup; once they are all done, I'll bake some potato pot pies with the aforementioned chili, peeled and thinly sliced mealy potatoes, and plenty of cheddar between the layers of chili and potatoes. I'll probably only eat one today and save the other one for later. It should re-heat relatively quickly I think. But if I get super hungry, it's fine to eat both today.

I snacked on some seaweed earlier, I guess that if I'm craving it, I probably need it.

ps: the chickpeas turned out great, I had 1dl or so as a snack with a simple cheese-and-hot sauce quesadilla on the side. The pot pies will be done in 20 mins and they smell great.
 
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Floater

Well-known member
The pot pie tastes superb; I'm having it with a slice of rye bread with vegan paté on the side.

I packed my gym stuff in my back pack, and laid out my gym clothes so I'll put them on first thing in the morning. It's been over a month since the last time I hit the gym. I think I'll try going to the ladies' side tomorrow as it's easier to get back into business there, where everyone is usually using lighter weights and there are just less people around in general, so I have less performance anxiety. (And yes I know that no one is really interested in what other people are doing at the gym, but it's always a bit... Spicy... To deal with both my anxiety and my dysphoria!)

EDIT ok now I'm ready to spill the beans about my career dreams.

Once the pandemic is over and the universities go back to normal, I'll apply for an arts degree in film directing. It's a 3+2-year education, with a Bachelor's first and Master's next. It has 2-4 openings each year and competition is brutal, so it's normal to have to apply several times and work on one's credentials in between.

Becoming a movie director was what I wanted to do in high school. But during my last year I had a series of really serious and traumatic shit happen, and it took a long time for me to bounce back. However, I know for a fact based on my previous Master's that I have the necessary skills to expand my knowledge and I am so obsessed with cinema and visual media in general that I'm sure I'll get in eventually.

I´ll just keep pushing until I succeed. This also gives me a good reason to take good care of my health so I can keep up. And after all, I believe that after getting some life experience I'll be much better at a job that requires as much general knowledge and insight as film directing.
 
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Floater

Well-known member
I had a lovely late night walk with the dog. She doesn't like hanging out with other dogs, but she likes to go sniffing around the empty dog park, and she looked so happy and had a spring in her steps when we headed back home.

Having a late night meal of cold soba noodles, bean sprouts and chick peas (with a very simple oil, soy sauce and hot sauce dressing).
 

Cate

Support crew
Oh, Floater- Thank you for sharing your ambition with us. I'm excited for you & will be cheering you on!
All of your food sounds delicious & nutritious. I love that you're really looking after your health & well being now :grouphug:
 
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