Floater's diary

LaMaria said:
Several short walks (unloaded) would be ideal. You'll have to be careful for a while but it sounds like you'll be fine.
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*hugs* I'm sure I will be fine. It's so funny how I wrote here about the situation at the pool, in Köln, and how I got a similar issue then. And soon after, my body went through the same thing. I actually talked about this with the autism assistance person, as a kid I was in a lot of pain because playing the violin is very rough on one's upper back. It sucks that the pain was just brushed away, and it tells a lot about how come I became such a stoic in my day to day life! I know I'm vocal about suffering, both of my own and that of others, in my online life. But IRL I'm quite sheepish, really.

In a way I think that this pain and how it forces me to rethink my routine and rely on others is another stepping stone for me. As I have tried to be a man in a woman's body, I have twice internalized the masculine idea of never showing pain or suffering. Animals do this, too, of course. And a lot of women live in pain and with pain that is not recognized by society.

I'm still in great spirits. As I told to the assistance person, it's really hard to bring me down now that I finally have an achievable dream to stick to. After all, the HRT and surgeries won't be to "alter" my looks, but to make my body look more like myself. Against that dream, it feels like the easiest thing to nourish and care for this body! It is my body. In a few years it will also look more like my body. But however things turn out, it's mine.

I can't remember feeling this good after the age of 5 or 6. And I'm in quite a bit of pain. But the light and hope I have inside is well worth all of it. I do consider myself lucky for being so close to a resolution.

Oh - I have only had one meal today, food delivery comes in the evening, I might nap or eat scraps. Ideally I'll walk to the closest grocery but we'll see
 
Floater said:
After all, the HRT and surgeries won't be to "alter" my looks, but to make my body look more like myself. Against that dream, it feels like the easiest thing to nourish and care for this body! It is my body. In a few years it will also look more like my body. But however things turn out, it's mine.
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Beautifully put and it makes me so happy to read!
 
I love that you feel free to share your life with us & am happy that you feel that you are moving towards looking like the person you really are. I'm much more confident sharing in here than I am irl too. It's good for us :grouphug:
 
LaMaria said:
Hey Floater, are you ok? I hope your back's a bit better by now.
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Hey LaMa, I have actually been struggling. Especially with appetite. It's been beer and bread and deep fried nonsense for several days now. The back is much better though! I have taken the pain meds as instructed, but no longer need the relaxants.

But: I paid the rent and utilities today, took out the recyclables, and logged back in here. I WILL be fine. This is just a low point. And oh the stuff my mind has shown to me; I know it's not "real", but it's a reflection of who I am. If this makes sense.

I promise to get back soon! Sorry if I worried you guys <3 please forgive me, I was just so tired.
 
I get that. Even I, the most prolific of forum sluts, sometimes don't have it in me to post. I'm glad your back is on the mend and hope the rest will follow as you get to lower the dose on those meds.
 
Don't ever feel the need to apologise to us for taking a break. I hope this low period goes away soon. You have so much happening in your life & those ducks don't always line up in a perfect row. Please look after yourself & try to eat well :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Don't ever feel the need to apologise to us for taking a break. I hope this low period goes away soon. You have so much happening in your life & those ducks don't always line up in a perfect row. Please look after yourself & try to eat well :grouphug:
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Than you Cate! Today's foods weren't ideal, but also not the worst. What helped me the most, I think, was that I had a good cry about a way past trauma (still have the marks on my body, but it IS in the past, thank god), and ~45 mins from that I was going through my veggie drawer.

I think this goes to show that yes, mental and physical health are very much intertwined. I've been focused on survival these past days and now I can focus on rebuilding, damage control, and thriving. My back also keeps popping more and more open, so... Let's hope for a good phase!
 
Floater said:
And oh the stuff my mind has shown to me; I know it's not "real", but it's a reflection of who I am. If this makes sense.
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More than most people will ever know. I went through life thinking that what I thought made sense, was the right way, was correct, etc. It took a lot of relearning to realize that everything in my mind was just a reflection of what I carry with me.
 
Today has been a little bit better. I really wish I would be in gym condition by tomorrow. My back is starting to feel normal again!
 
I ordered kebab pizza earlier today (the kebab was gross, but usually heating it in the oven helps with that; I try not to think about the bone shard i found in it though). I just came back from the grocery store with eggs, a sweet potato, grated cheese and extra spicy ramen.

My new neighbors have a dog that's seemingly totally untrained. Tries to attack Nera every time we meet. The guy acts as if it's normal and even joked about it once. It doesn't need anything more than his grip getting loose once; the slippery stairs, a panicked elderly dog, a super aggressive 3-year old Labrador, elevator that could behead Nera if she, I and her leash end up in different sides of the elevator doors...
 
I don´t think I´ve ever seen an aggressive Lab: what are those people doing to that animal?! Making light of aggressive behavior is super scummy BUT at least the beheading thing isn´t going to happen because you´re there with her and your first instinct would be to stick your hand/foot between the doors which would make them reopen.
 
LaMaria said:
I don´t think I´ve ever seen an aggressive Lab: what are those people doing to that animal?!
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This baffles me, too. How can you fuck up with a lab like that? They are big babies!
LaMaria said:
BUT at least the beheading thing isn´t going to happen because you´re there with her and your first instinct would be to stick your hand/foot between the doors which would make them reopen.
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This is the most likely scenario, yes, but I once had to let go of Nera's leash to body slam and restrain a PIT BULL whose idiot owner kept it off the leash. Luckily the dog was "only" aggressive towards dogs, not humans, otherwise I might be missing my face now - but I acted on pure instinct. The other dog had already chomped down on Nera - luckily her fur protected her.

The beheading thing might be affected by the fact that I re-watched "Hereditary" a couple days ago. My mom also killed one of my gerbils in this fashion (found it in it's cage, headless) which might have something to do why the movie is deeply personal to me despite being famously gruesome.
 
LaMaria said:
What. The. Actual. Fuck!?! The depths of horror you grew up with never cease to baffle me, man...
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I know. I feel stupid talking about it a lot. It sounds like such a bad joke. The worst thing is, for 15 years I believed her when she said "the cat must have gotten it through the bars" even when I knew it was impossible. Once I was in therapy, I brought it up and how scared I felt finding the mutilated gerbil in the cage, and her response was, "well it was just missing the head, what's the big deal?!"... (BTW I still have no idea why she did it, but my mom had a lot of fits of rage out of nowhere so she's the most likely suspect.)

Great news; I had a slice of pizza earlier and a cheesy bagel and spicy ramen just now. A carb and fat fest for sure, but I've eaten way too little in the past days due to the PTSD stuff. I also ran the dishwasher and cleaned up a bit, the floors need washing again ASAP but I feel so much more human now.

Tomorrow, I'll feel even better.
 
Floater said:
Great news; I had a slice of pizza earlier and a cheesy bagel and spicy ramen just now. A carb and fat fest for sure, but I've eaten way too little in the past days due to the PTSD stuff.
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As they say with babies: fed is best. Rankings and purity thinking are nowhere near as important.
Floater said:
Tomorrow, I'll feel even better.
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:beating: Love that.
 
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