Floater's diary

Woke up in the middle of the night so I had toast with cream cheese, marg & parsley. I'll also mix myself some soy protein because it's like my body KNOWS it's time to get gains again and even that tasteless sludge suddenly feels... Inviting lol
 
Btw: I've noticed lately that sometimes I get weepy and feel like having changed my gender marker and name was a mistake, but it's almost always hunger or tiredness in disguise.
 
Floater said:
Btw: I've noticed lately that sometimes I get weepy and feel like having changed my gender marker and name was a mistake, but it's almost always hunger or tiredness in disguise.
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In quite a bit of pain. I really need to do something about my bed.

I'm trying to think about the possibility that I never get to go on HRT. I wonder if I could then at least access female hormones to mitigate menopausal symptoms or if I'd have to legally detransition to access them. Because if I can't get on T I at least want to keep my muscles and skin from E post menopause.
 
If I want to hit the gym before grocery delivery, I need to leave NOW. But then I have to worry about the clock. Maybe I'll just go afterwards and clean up while waiting for the groceries
 
I didn't do anything.

In horrendous pain. My bed is awful. I made a mistake legally transitioning. I am trans, but I can't take the pressure.

I will see this year through and if nothing changes for the better.
 
I think I need to withdraw from my social contacts again.

There is no hope for me. I signed my death sentence by going to the mental hospital. The trans clinic will not allow me to transition because of it.

I tried my best. I did a lot of progress. But I'm at the end of my rope. Not even working out makes me feel anything positive anymore. It used to be my favorite thing.
 
I can only offer a hug, Arvo. Changing your gender marker should be reversible if that is what has brought this despondency on. Hang in there :grouphug: Don't shut yourself off from your friends.
 
Cate said:
I can only offer a hug, Arvo. Changing your gender marker should be reversible if that is what has brought this despondency on. Hang in there :grouphug: Don't shut yourself off from your friends.
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I knew it would be misunderstood. I don't regret changing the gender marker. It just allowed me to die a man.

I will never be a real man. But I'm as close as I'll ever get.

I don't enjoy anything anymore. I cry every time I work out.

There are no things in my life I like. When I reach out, I'm told to detransition. Thanks, forum mom. Thanks a fucking bunch

I want to die.
 
I almost didn't type in your diary this morning as I didn't know what to say. I should have said nothing obviously as whatever I said I think would have been misinterpreted. I'm staying away, Arvo.
 
At the gym, openly crying. I don't care anymore.

I had therapy today. Went to the optician after. Had to give my name and ID. Optician froze.

I signed myself into a lifetime of hell. The train tracks are singing to me.
 
And @Cate it's fine, I don't care anymore, tell me to detransition all you like. Quite obviously transitioning with a woman's ID is not possible. I did what I did in the hopes that one day I'll look the part.

I won't. Time is out.
 
Because everyone here seems to think I´m a hysterical tranny, let´s have a peek at the definition of detransitioning:

"Detransition refers to the stopping or reversal of transitioning which could be social (gender presentation, pronouns), medical (hormone therapy), surgical, or legal." https://academic.oup.com/jcem/article/107/10/e4261/6604653

"Or legal." So let´s not be vague about it: telling a trans person to reverse their legal transitioning is, in fact, encouraging them to detransition. May hurt some fee-fees, but it is not a solution to the hardships I´m having, neither would it make my life easier in any way, because my original ID and everything related to it is already lost permanently. What it would do is, I would lose the one leverage I have against the trans clinic: that they can´t refuse diagnosing me after I´ve lived for two years as a man legally.

Ergo.
 
Arvo, you have totally misinterpreted what I meant. You seemed to freak out after changing your gender markers. Not for one minute have I thought you wanted to be a woman & would be happy as a woman. I will stay away from your diary from now on.
 
Cate said:
Arvo, you have totally misinterpreted what I meant. You seemed to freak out after changing your gender markers. Not for one minute have I thought you wanted to be a woman & would be happy as a woman. I will stay away from your diary from now on.
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I was in the psychiatric hospital when the change was finalized, Cate. I am still recovering. I have fought the trans clinic FOR YEARS. Suddenly a huge hurdle was crossed and I was happy. Then it turned out that nothing about the bureaucratic side of legally transitioning worked as it should have. It causes daily inconvenience.

You call it "freaking out" because you have no empathy for my situation. You can not understand how a positive change is not only roses and rainbows when the whole societal infrastructure is not designed for people like me. I will get called to prostate exams but have to book my own mammograms.

You are being passive aggressive. You made a mistake out of thoughtlessness. Instead of owning up to it and saying, yeah, it was actually a bad thing to suggest legal detransitioning as a solution to the stress of your transitioning, you go hedgehog and dare to spin it into me being crazy and you just being helpful.

When did I legally transition, Cate? Can you remember? How many times have I expressed the wish to go back? Do you understand that it's been under two months and I'm adjusting to a change that is huge even to someone neurotypical? For me, autistic, this is huge. The law literally changed less than a year ago. Society has not adapted yet.

And neither have you. You can play martyr and say how you'll stay away and expect me to beg you to come back but you know, I have actual allies in my life. Losing the support of someone who is so quick to tell me to abandon my values isn't a loss.
 
Fantastic: got the flu.

It's fine though. I had an inspiration about something I could do to improve my chances at the trans clinic.
 
I´ve been recovering from the flu, had to take time off the gym, but am almost healthy again.

I had a chest ultrasound today and it really makes a huge difference to have legally transitioned. For the first time in my life I didn´t feel awful having it done. Those letters and numbers do matter.

Going out for a walk in Nera´s memory. I think I´ll get myself some energy drinks or soda and chug as I walk. Two years since her death.
 
Yesterday had my eyes checked again for new glasses. Nervous, as the optician decided to decrease both the - value and the astigmatism correction of my glasses, saying that my current prescription is overcorrected. But I won´t know until I fit the glasses. I tried to go to the gym but could immediately tell doing low rows that something´s not right. Today my voice is still gone. So I still need to rest and heal.
 
This week I could finally return to the gym. I'm thinking about mixing things up a bit: for the past years I've done pyramid sets but as I seem to be at a point where I'm stuck progressing strength-wise, I'm thinking about starting to do my sets by starting with bigger weights and aiming for lower weights but more reps and crazy burn as I proceed.

No complaints. Feels weird to write here but it's good to be able to track my progress and of course that can and will be done without an audience. Sometimes I think about getting more scientific about my workouts, and plan mesocycles etc, but my hormonal fluctuations seem to kinda force me to that naturally so IDK. And perhaps it's better to keep an element of playfulness in my exercise? I need to weigh the pros and cons. After all, bodybuilding is the only tool available to me to deal with dysphoria, outside of having legally transitioned of course.
 
Doing barbell squats after 6 months of not doing this exact exercise sucked arse but I know my body will pick up quickly; it knows how to squat 100kg, it just needs to remember and I'll build my way back there after weight loss and strength loss.
 
All in all gym today was incredible and I know I´ll have WICKED DOMS tomorrow lol. I had a burger and a sundae before working out and there´s something really special about eating a high-kcal meal just before hitting the gym, it feels like I could go on indefinitely. Went for over an hour today.
 
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