Floater's diary

Another sleepless night here but mood is good. Exercise levels stellar, motivation high, doing good with food.
 
At the gym, socially exhausted after psych nurse and hunting for new glasses. After my workout's done it's oatmeal, go home, have a nap.
 
All is well here, kinda bummed that tomorrow is rest day because right now I just want to exercise, exercise, exercise and I have an amazing pump going on haha. But I could definitely tell at the gym today that I need a rest day.

I found a pair of glasses that I just love. Gonna have to skimp on a lot of other stuff, cancel the hairdresser etc etc but glasses and sunglasses are essential and when the right pair gets along, it would be a shame to miss out on it.

My fridge looks downright depressing. But I have a grocery delivery scheduled for Sat. I´ll make a casserole tomorrow.
 
Whipped together a struggle casserole out of soy chunks, spinach, potatoes, feta, and sauerkraut. We´ll see how it works out but at least I´ll have food tomorrow morning.
 
Dysphoria is really kicking my ass tonight. Which is weird because I've been doing so good with diet & exercise. But then I feel the softness on my lower abdomen and chest and know fully well it's been like this for too long, nothing but surgery can fix my chest and my abdomen will always look like a stray cats' pouch after 10 litters of kittens. Was watching fitness stuff on YouTube and this massive guy mentioned having loose skin and stretch marks and I'm in a nightmare hole now.

It doesn't matter what I do. My body is ruined. I can be healthy and functional, but aesthetically speaking...
 
Oh, Arvo *sigh* Your body is not ruined. I have to talk back to myself when I get like this. Yes, my legs are big, but they are oak trees, not willows & they have served me well. They are strong. They won't snap. Yes, my belly sags. I'm far from perfect, but there is_no_such_thing as a perfect body.
It is hard sometimes to respect our bodies, but they deserve respect. Negative self-talk is so bad for us & gets us nowhere. You are strong, Arvo & will get even stronger.
Look yourself in the mirror & give yourself some love. Smile & say "I love you" xoxo
Then get some sleep :)
 
The best thing I've found about getting older is that I no longer see my value in the aesthetics of my body. Sure, it's nice to look nice sometimes but people who think that's the main thing about me suck. Also: that massive guy being upset about loose skin and stretch marks was also a guy, right? You're not the only dude dealing with these things. Far from it.
 
Cate said:
I have to talk back to myself when I get like this. Yes, my legs are big, but they are oak trees, not willows & they have served me well. They are strong. They won't snap.
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This is beautiful. Thank you forum mom.
Llama said:
The best thing I've found about getting older is that I no longer see my value in the aesthetics of my body. Sure, it's nice to look nice sometimes but people who think that's the main thing about me suck.
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Truth.
Llama said:
Also: that massive guy being upset about loose skin and stretch marks was also a guy, right? You're not the only dude dealing with these things. Far from it.
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... Now that you mention it. Yeah.
Cate said:
It is hard sometimes to respect our bodies, but they deserve respect. Negative self-talk is so bad for us & gets us nowhere. You are strong, Arvo & will get even stronger.
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I guess that I find it difficult to give myself affirmation because one of the reasons I got fat was because I got into body positivity and it kinda turned into "it doesn´t matter that I drink in excess and gain weight because bodies change blah blah blah". Looking at old photos now where I don´t pull my belly in and have that beer bloat, I mean, I was never _massively_ obese but damage was definitely done, and now that I´m back to my pre-covid weight and sober, I find it hard to forgive myself about the weight I gained.
 
Floater said:
I find it hard to forgive myself about the weight I gained.
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Make peace with yourself, Arvo. That was then & this is the new you. I'm finding it hard to accept myself after regaining so much weight but I know I have to say "this is now" & do something about it. It's hard, but you have done it. Be proud of that please xo
 
Thank you, forum mom.

Today... I can't. I can't do this. Any of this. I want to quit. I want to go insane again because when I was insane it hurt less than looking at this... Thing... My life is.
 
Showered, moisturized, brushed my teeth. Got dressed (because dysphoria is messing with my head), had noodles. Feel like giving life another chance.
 
Trying to come up with ways to deal with dysphoria and one of the golden ones is definitely to remind myself that it will fluctuate. I always feel like I´d rather have been born male, but it´s not to be helped. However, the amount of physical and psychological impairment that I feel due to being trans does fluctuate. There are days when I´m "feeling my oats" and on those days I´m fully confident as a short, small, soft-skinned lil strange dude. And, then there are days when I want to crawl out of my skin and the re-traumatization at the trans clinic definitely makes those days worse.

Exercise is the best way to make dysphoria more tolerable. I would compare dysphoria to chronic pain. Hormones and surgeries are like pain meds and surgeries for pain patients. They are designed to improve the situation, but outcomes will vary. Right now I only have two things in my toolkit to affect my physical body: diet and exercise.

Often things that will improve my body composition in the long run are things that bring me dysphoria in the short term. For example, eating plenty of fruit and veg and plant-based protein makes me hella bloated and makes me retain fluid. It makes my dysphoria worse. But eating those things is how I lost almost 20 kg last year. Temporary discomfort is worth a good long-term outcome.

Rest days are a problem. I get extremely anxious on rest days. But rest days have to be had. And I have to have more than one rest day per week. Last year I started to notice pain in my joints when I was working out 6 days a week.

I think I need to come up with exercises for rest days, things that will improve my mind-body connection and help me tolerate the dysphoria so it wouldn´t cause me such anxiety. For most people this might look like stretching and yoga and stuff, but being hypermobile, stretching gives me the opposite effect because the more I stretch the more my muscles will tense up to protect the joints. I guess I could do low impact exercises aimed to improve coordination and balance. Knowing myself, it´s important I do these outside the apartment. Another thing I could add to my schedule would be skin care, hair removal, home spa stuff.

Well, anyway. Jan was the first month after my psych crisis that I placed a big grocery delivery order and it definitely has a huge impact on my diet in the positive sense and also saves money. So I´m back on track regarding that. A new order is coming tomorrow.
 
Tai chi might be a reasonable alternative that focuses less on mobility and more on the kind of flowing movements that would increase stability and coordination. I don't have deep knowledge of it though, and of course you know yourself best.
 
Llama said:
Tai chi might be a reasonable alternative that focuses less on mobility and more on the kind of flowing movements that would increase stability and coordination. I don't have deep knowledge of it though, and of course you know yourself best.
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good idea. I tried it in my 20s.
 
I want to be at the gym. Did 60 mins of aqua jogging today. Tomorrow's gym day. I feel useless not being active. Despite being so overwhelmed I started to cry in the swimming pool. I just kept going
 
Tai Chi is wonderful. I love it & must get back into it. I'll start today.
 
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