Floater's diary

I think you make an excellent (and polite) case for yourself. Yes, moderation is best but we´re all works in progress and we all have things we need even though they aren´t technically the most healthy. Case in point: my Pepsi Max consumption... I finally managed to cut down on it but I don´t see myself being without any time soon - if ever.
Thank you, @LaMaria !

Food diary from 20 PM yesterday to 20 PM today:

Bedtime snack: pistachios, a spoonful of Pecorino, half a sleeve of popcorn cakes with blue cheese crumbs
Breakfast: 4 dl of tomato juice, half an avocado, one popcorn cake
Snack: 4 dl of tomato juice, black coffee
Lunch: a pork quesadilla, 3/4 of a braised beef burrito
Snack: the remaining 2 dl of tomato juice, one popcorn cake

So, this illustrates pretty well how the effects of having alcohol can mess with my hunger signals late into the next day. Then again, there are days when I have eaten worse than this without having had any alcohol; so I guess the best course of action is to start to ask myself whether I believe that I'm in a mindspace where I can have alcohol without suffering the ill effects on my appetite. Seeing it written down certainly helps.

I'm still feeling kind of nauseous, not wanting to eat really. So I'm making a deal with myself right now. I'm going to eat the scraps of an opened pack of hummus, one pack of premade guacamole (150g), and one protein drink before I go to bed. If I eat more than that, it's great - but those three easily edible items are my goal for tonight. It's small enough that I can surely meet it, and gives me some protein and a good deal of fiber.

Take care everyone!
LOL, 20 PM is 8 PM of course, or 20:00. For some reason I always muck things up when trying to balance between am/pm and the 24-hr system :D
I love your self-awareness & I think you explain yourself very well. I also love that you are trying to take good care of yourself & are prepared to get help with that. I enjoy reading other people’s thought processes around self awareness.
Today has been weird. Yesterday night I kept stalling and stalling and ended up not eating anything. I had weird PTSD nightmares and have been feeling really beside myself this whole day. I couldn't even take off my clothes last night, it was that bad. I have, surprisingly, eaten today. I think I'll go get myself some juice or pre made smoothies, maybe some Babybel cheeses, because whatever I've eaten today just feels like I'm going to choke on it, and right now I just need to get some fuel into myself. If I don't, I'm at a bigger risk for panic attacks and other super fun stuff.

Despite everything, I was really pleased when I checked my bank account. I had much more money left than I thought I would. That means that if the PTSD symptoms keep messing with me, I can afford to order takeout. Right now I'm too low on spoons to even empty the dishwasher so cooking is not realistic. Luckily I have assistance coming over tomorrow at 11.30 so that's going to help me focus. Note to self: plant based nuggets seemed to be palatable even during a flare-up, so I might want to keep those stockpiled. Coming back later, just wanted to do a quick check in.
Great work getting some food in despite feeling rough. Fingers crossed tonight will be better!
Food diary from 8pm last night to 8pm today:
Evening: nothing
Breakfast: half a package of plant based nuggets with guac and hummus
Lunch: the rest of the nuggets, cold

... and that's it. PTSD is kicking me right now. I did manage to go out and get myself some baby food and snack salamis, and I have fresh blueberries sitting next to my computer and will hopefully eat those. But at least the plant based nuggets have protein and fiber in them. Hopefully my appetite will be better tomorrow.
I hope you get a decent night's sleep & can manage to eat tomorrow even if your appetite isn't there. Your body deserves nutrition. Take care xo
I hope I didn't come across as impolite!
Not to me, not at all. We are all different and all see things differently, I enjoy the differences and hearing about them. I only know AA through my OA experience years ago, and I also had trouble with the spirituality side. It was a bit religion or cult like, too much for me. However I do think they have some good ideas, and it has helped a lot of folks. And I have adopted some of the good ideas, like the one day at a time thing, good for me anyway. But not the steps or much of the ritual processes...

I am enjoying following your diary, you are an interesting person. You have your challenges, but I always respect anyone who is trying, and you clearly are. Keep at it!
I managed to take a shower, finally. I'm still so knocked out that I fell asleep after taking my stimulant med. But; I did eat last night; I sat on my computer and slowly grazed through three snack size salamis, a sleeve of popcorn cakes, 2 dl of blueberries, and two portions of baby food. And after forcing myself out of bed this morning I had my med with a protein shake and a handful of walnuts. When the assistant arrives I'll try to cook some cheesy pasta and roast some vegetables that I can snack on later tonight. It's so funny, but I noticed that it's my baptism anniversary today. It's an emotional day. Maybe I'll try to focus on creating some peace and quiet around myself, cut down on my expectations, focus on basics until the worst turmoil is over.
I´m glad that you´re getting that assistant visit today and I hope the prep helps you feel a bit better.
I´m glad that you´re getting that assistant visit today and I hope the prep helps you feel a bit better.

Thanks. I'm glad that I managed what I meant to do - I ate a portion of tuna cheese pasta with rucola, and have two roasted broccolis chilling on the countertop and waiting refrigeration. I can have them later with hummus and guac, and I have one premade portion of pasta in the fridge. We also went through my expectations for today and tomorrow and kind of planned what is sustainable for me. I trust that I'll be fine. It always helps to have someone come over and help me with my daily structure.
I'm going to log in my foods a bit early today, because I might be meeting someone at 8pm.

From 8pm yesterday to 6:30 pm today:
Before bed: a sleeve of popcorn cakes, 2dl of blueberries, 3 snack salamis, and 2 portions of baby food.
Breakfast: a handful of walnuts, a protein drink
Lunch: a bit of guac, a small portion of cheese pasta with rucola and tuna in oil, a bit of roasted broccoli
Snack: instant oatmeal with soy protein, PB and fig jam, a protein drink
Snack: a handful of walnuts and pistachios
Dinner: a medium portion of plant based mock chicken with cheese pasta

Eating has been physically taxing for me today, I'm quite bloated and not enjoying the sensation of eating at all. But by dinnertime I've managed to get quite a nice amount of energy into the machine, so I'll try to eat fruit + veg in the evening. Protein wise things are looking good, the pasta turned out a bit too salty but whatever. The mock chicken contains not only protein but also fiber, just by eyeballing things I'm pretty sure that things are pretty good on that particular front especially with the nuts. Again, there's a lot of fat. But my meals over the weekend were so abysmal that I probably needed it. A lot of sodium too from the cheese pasta but at the moment it's more important to get enough calories in, I can always tweak things up later.

I had a phone call today with a potential therapist; I already have a trauma therapist, but can only afford his services once a month. This new guy is studying to become a therapist and is focusing on cognitive behavioral therapy, so I could get 20 hrs of therapy for free as it'd be part of his training and we could focus on the eating specifically - which is exactly what cognitive therapies tend to be good for, a limited issue with somewhat clear cut solutions. It's not set in stone yet but at least I tried. I might be a complete wreck of a person, but at least I'm very good at trying to find help and support with very little financial resources. I'm not sure whether I'm saying that sarcastically or sincerely lol :D

I also did my makeup today, and it was pretty fun. Seeing my face change into something different with nothing but a handful of pigments and a basic understanding of light and shadow helped me remember that "beauty" is an artificial concept anyway. It's not like my body is going to morph into some perfect ideal, because even that ideal is airbrushed to hell and back. And it doesn't need to morph into an ideal, I just want to feel comfortable in it, instead of cycling between restricting and bingeing. I just need to reach the point where eating more or less normally has become an automation; in other words, I need to repeat the good days often enough and then they will be just... Days.
And it doesn't need to morph into an ideal, I just want to feel comfortable in it, instead of cycling between restricting and bingeing.
Hear hear!
Fingers crossed things will turn out with the potential therapist: being able to organize support is a major life skill way too many people lack.
Well done on getting that nutrition into you. I hope the therapist works out for you. It sounds promising and you would also be contributing to helping get someone qualified. Win/win.
I met my ex last night and there was something really soothing about it. We split up last summer after having been together for six years - a major contributor to my breakdown. It was really devastating, but we had a lot of issues. And now I'm in queue for an apartment in a housing unit for autistics, which would not have happened if we hadn't gone our separate ways. I still care for him and his well-being though so it was good to see that he's doing OK.

After that I made myself a nice meze platter and I'm currently having another meze platter for lunch. Going full vegan is probably not sustainable for me right now, because I need to normalize my eating habits first, but it's nice to rediscover old favorites from when I was vegan. It also makes me feel a bit less dysmorphic: I was one clothing size smaller when I was vegan, but I still had days when I was super bloated, because vegan diet is so rich in FODMAP carbs. Back then I could deal with the feeling and looking bloated a lot better because I could remind myself that it's not my fault how my gut reacts, and I've done the whole elimination diet thing several times and after re-introducing foods the issues always came back. So f*ck it, honestly, because the health benefits of a diet rich in fiber and plant based foods is so much healthier as a whole than a diet that would keep my stomach flat.

Another thing that is something I just need to compromise with is the acidity and hard textures in vegan food. They do give me grief when it comes to my teeth, and I'm such a slow eater, but the very same foods that might damage my teeth a bit faster will protect me from a variety of more serious health issues down the road. And who says that I have to go back to being a full vegan when flexitarian exists? Having a platter of meze and ending it with a little piece of cheese to level out the acidity in my mouth cavity would be a truly ideal compromise.

It's funny to see how much better I think when I have had enough to eat. Malnourishment and OCD clearly feed on each other.
I like eating plant-based foods but I've made my peace with the fact that my allergies and intolerances mean (among other things) I can't have meat replacements in any meaningful quantities and without them I can't get enough protein in without going over my calories and being terribly bloated. So I eat small amounts of meat, cheese, and eggs, as well as lots of beans. Not perfect maybe but it's what works for me. And I don't have to be perfect.
It's funny to see how much better I think when I have had enough to eat.
Oh shoot! I had such a busy day today and watched a movie, forgot to log in my stuff at 8pm

But: from 8pm yesterday to 8pm today:

Bedtime snack: a meze platter of marinated beans, roasted broccoli and hummus with a small piece of Pecorino cheese
Breakfast: instant oatmeal with linseed
Lunch: a meze platter of quinoa dolmas, roasted broccoli, mock chicken and hummus
Snack: instant oatmeal with fig jam
Dinner: 200g of lean leaf steak
Snack: a handful of knuckle-sized snack salamis

Summary: looking OK to me all things considered. I bought the steak and the tiny snack salami when I was running errands, just felt that intense pang for red meat and grease. Doesn't happen often, so it doesn't bother me. I also bought more Babybel cheeses and placed an order fora (fully vegan) grocery delivery while my neuropsych assistant was over, and I'm PUMPED, because I ordered some gluten flour so I can make my own seitan mock salami. The delivery will arrive on 12.3. so I'll try to not buy much else before that, I'll focus on emptying my fridge for now.

Just as @LaMaria pointed out, eating plant based is not always sustainable. I've been looking pregnant today from all the mock meats and FODMAPs, but it's a balance. And when I bought the steaks I remember myself going like "well, it's not the healthiest choice but you might be low on iron and protein now, and while it's expensive, it costs less than a pizza". It was also nice to notice that although I still have tiny sack salamis in the fridge, I didn't wolf down the whole pack at once. They also hold for weeks in the fridge, so it's interesting to see how long the 150g pack lasts. :)
Your meze platters sound delicious! Did you make the dolmas yourself? I don't think I've seen quinoa versions here.
I've made seitan/lentil sausages before and I really liked the texture resulting from the combination. Please be sure to post a recipe if your salami turns out well!
Your meze platters sound delicious! Did you make the dolmas yourself? I don't think I've seen quinoa versions here.
I've made seitan/lentil sausages before and I really liked the texture resulting from the combination. Please be sure to post a recipe if your salami turns out well!

The dolmas were canned, maybe some day I'll try making those myself. My go to seitan sausage recipe was 2dl gluten flour, 1 dl chickpea flour, and a watery/thin 2dl mix of peanut butter, tomato paste, oil, soy sauce and obviously water (plus any seasonings you'd prefer). Kind of a dry and fatty dough, which I rolled into aluminium foil and baked in the oven at 175 degrees for 60 mins if I made this sausages and 1,5 for a "roast". For other purposes a moister dough is often better, and I love to add nutritional yeast for extra umami. Let's see what's going to happen with my next seitan batch. :) (A rice cooker was so good for making seitan. I really need to get one.)