Floater's diary

[Floater]

It´s no surprise that people tend to gain weight easily from liquid calories, is it? Of course it also means you could easily and quite healthily supplement your calories with an unsweetened milkshake (milk + banana + whatever fruit you like, plus immersion blender) if you´re low on calories.

Yeah. I used to drink loads of smoothies but my current kitchen is designed in a way that a blender is hard to use, and my Bamix has a broken blade. I should really try to fix that. But right now I'm too overwhelmed to do anything. I tried to dress nicely and do my hair but I just look worse. My gut is shocked about getting so much more fiber all of a sudden, and I'm incredibly bloated and just feel like crying.

I've got to eat something soon again, and I really don't want to, but I know I have to.

 

[alligatorob]

My gut is shocked about getting so much more fiber all of a sudden, and I'm incredibly bloated and just feel like crying.

I have also had gut problems from my high veggie diet. Work on it, try to find veggies that are easier on you, for me spinach and zucchini are good, broccoli and cauliflower are not. Celery is also good, been eating a lot lately. Have not eaten a lot of beets or peas so I can't say much about that. And of course your body will adapt.

You are off to a great start, work at it and I know you can find your way!

 

[Llama]

My gut is shocked about getting so much more fiber all of a sudden, and I'm incredibly bloated and just feel like crying.

So sorry to hear you're struggling! The stress of all those payments is probably throwing off your autonomous nervous system as well, which wouldn't help your stomach. I hope you can take it easy for a bit now.

 

[Floater]

So sorry to hear you're struggling! The stress of all those payments is probably throwing off your autonomous nervous system as well, which wouldn't help your stomach. I hope you can take it easy for a bit now.

Thank you!

I plan to take it easy tonight, I got so much done. I even cleaned up the apartment and managed things with my gym membership (don't want to have to pay for March as I can't go anyway), and went to the supermarket to get the few things missing from my grocery delivery. I was naughty, I got two 0,5 liter pilsners and a bottle of mild rosee wine. I guess I'm curious to see what will happen? I haven't had any yet. Just wanted to write that down. Rationally I know that I should have skipped going to the supermarket if I wanted to make sure I don't buy any alcohol, because by that point I had been doing chores for six hours straight and I was literally dripping with sweat - another symptom of SNS hitting overdrive which the is a risk for alcohol cravings, because alcohol is a depressant. Whatever ends up happening I promise to write down exactly as happened.

Anyway. Here's what I ate between 8pm last night and now 8 pm today:

Bedtime snack: One rye bread with two fried eggs and a sprinkle of parmesan
Sleeplessness until 2 am, two more toasted rye breads with chickpeas and melted cheese
Slept until 10 AM
Breakfast: instant oatmeal with PB and fig jam, black coffee
Lunch: a three-egg cheese omelette with rye bread (couldn't finish it all, dog got 1/4 of the eggs)
Snack: a protein drink, 3dl of blueberries, an avocado, a cup of Oolong
Dinner: a piece of cheese baguette and a croissant filled with hummus, rucola, a bit of Pecorino cheese and an avocado

Summary: well, that's a lot of bread, but I don't mind that really because the rye bread slices are very thin (and very rich in fiber) and I rarely eat white bread; and it's a "safe food" for me and very efficient when it comes to mental "spoons". The only issue I have with bread really is that especially when I have it with cheese, my daily sodium intake starts to add up. To combat that I should probably try to find a place for my mixer and switch some of my daily bread to banana and oatmeal based smoothies.

But, speaking of sodium and it's biochemical antagonist, potassium, the grocery delivery contained a potassium supplement that I decided to give a spin to after being given potassium tablets in the hospital last summer. Because my ADHD meds rev up my metabolism and that includes food and liquids passing through faster, I lose liquids and electrolytes. And despite not restricting, I have noticed that I get muscle cramps, which could point to some kind of an electrolyte imbalance. The pills weren't expensive, and the instructions said to supplement 1-2 pills 1-2 times per day before meals. I had two with my snack, and two with dinner, and the swelling in my face has gone down visibly in just a few hours. The potassium tablets give me a funny taste in my mouth, quite similar to how it tastes after eating large amounts of low sodium dairy, but I'm glad gave them a try. I don't have cramps either, which usually happen any time I have had a very active day.

Fruit and veg wise things are looking quite good (hummus also counts, as it's made of chickpeas, although the full weight of it contains other stuff too). I'll try to find ways to add small amount of fresh veg and fruit to my safety foods as well, in this regard the rucola/hummus/avocado bread was a jump from just cheesy bread. Fibers definitely ok, protein should be ok too. We'll see if I can wind down without alcohol, and whatever happens, I'll try to understand it without judging and then apply that understanding onto tomorrow and the day after and so on. I know that alcohol is one of those things that can make people think that restricting is the only way to go and I respect that, but I want to understand how it effects my dietary habits as a whole and what the emotional triggers behind it are, and how I could find my peace and balance with it, if that makes sense to you.

Take care everyone!

Oh, I think I'll start dividing the days like I did here - things I eat between 20pm to 20pm the next day. I'm a night owl, so it's not unusual that I eat past midnight and I'm physically after after midnight too, walking my dog et cetera, so this system is probably the most sustainable for now.

 

[alligatorob]

I was naughty, I got two 0,5 liter pilsners and a bottle of mild rosee wine. I guess I'm curious to see what will happen?

I was very well stocked for beer and whiskey when I started this diet almost 2 years ago, 90% of it is still sitting on my shelf. I find it a good reminder, and without spending anything I always have something to offer a guest. Not that we get a lot of guests these days. You might do the same, just let it sit there, or give it to someone else.

Looks like you are making some real progress, keep it up!

 

[Floater]

I was very well stocked for beer and whiskey when I started this diet almost 2 years ago, 90% of it is still sitting on my shelf. I find it a good reminder, and without spending anything I always have something to offer a guest. Not that we get a lot of guests these days. You might do the same, just let it sit there, or give it to someone else.

Looks like you are making some real progress, keep it up!

Thank you for your support!

That's amazing! I honestly dream that I could have a bar cabinet at home one day so I could offer drinks to guests, and not touch it when I'm alone. I'm clearly not there yet, because I did end up drinking last night... And yes, I did drink all of that which is NOT healthy but I try not to hate/be negative about myself for that... Besides, considering the insane amount I drank I could have done worse. I paced myself, and had snacks and water throughout the "project", and dyed my hair and watched all the episodes of WandaVision on DisneyPlus. I slept well without any nightmares and woke up well rested. Honestly, I would have been prouder of myself if I hadn't drunk, but I know that I was trying to soothe myself before the occupational therapist's evaluation today and therapy tomorrow. So I think it's best not to get too hung up on things I don't get perfect right away, just trying to maintain a positive attitude and focusing on the idea that I _can_ do better.

Going to take a nice walk with my dog now, and then I'll just rest before therapy tomorrow, that stuff is always kind of emotionally taxing. I'll have to be extra mindful of eating enough tomorrow, because going hungry always makes the emotional aftermath from therapy worse...!

 

[Llama]

So I think it's best not to get too hung up on things I don't get perfect right away, just trying to maintain a positive attitude and focusing on the idea that I _can_ do better.

Excellent. Your therapist must be very proud of your work!

 

[Floater]

Thank you, @LaMaria <3

So. Food diary from 8PM yesterday to 8PM today looks like this:

Late night snack: a piece of baguette with a little piece of Pecorino cheese, an avocado, a handful of walnuts, a protein drink
Breakfast: an avocado, black coffee
Snack: Baguette with Pecorino and margarine
Lunch: a handful of Tagliatelle with hummus, oil, rucola, crushed walnuts and a sprinkle of Parmesan, 2dl of fresh blueberries
(Nap)
Dinner: the leftover roasted beets and chickpeas re-heated in the oven with a handful of pistachio nuts and a sprinkle of Parmesan, a small slice of baguette
Snack: six Babybel cheeses (aka one mesh bag)

Summary: my portion sizes today have been small, but it hasn't been something I've done intentionally - I just felt satiated from less, it feels. Probably because my body never gt super hungry - I ate as soon as I got peckish, and it really seems to work. Of course it's also possible that the caloric surplus from drinking last night has something to do with it, but on the other hand I have really enjoyed every meal I've had today. It's rare that I look forward to eating, but today I did. My GI issues haven't been bothering me either, in fact everything has been pretty perfect in that regard. Which is surprising, when thinking about the amount of alcohol I had last night - but maybe it did help my body wind down a bit? (Could also be because I have eaten plenty of both soluble and insoluble fiber from fruits and veg and grains.)

I have eaten considerably fatty foods in the past 24 hours. For the most part it's been healthy fats though - even though I have had cheese with almost every meal, the amounts have been small, with the Babybel bag as an exception. I discovered that if I want to enjoy the cheesy taste without eating a lot of it, pre-ground Parmesan from a bag is a great option. It has such a strong taste that even a spoonful is enough to flavor a whole bowl of food. Then, of course, there are the avocados and nuts - but those contain plenty of fiber as well and keep me satiated for a long time, as well as having high quality healthy fats in them. I should start to make sure that I always have unsalted nuts available, they make for a great snack and can be used to add protein and fibre to almost any type of dish.

Proteins look OK, but I should probably try to eat something rich in protein as a bedtime snack. (Tomorrow I'll try to make something from the mock chicken I bought - just a reminder for myself!)

Fruit and veg wise things are looking good. The avocados I got are on the riper side so I'll probably have to focus on eating them before they get spoiled, the same goes for the blueberries.

Take care everyone, and I'll try to get a good night's sleep before therapy and try to take things extra easy after it.

 

[Llama]

I have really enjoyed every meal I've had today. It's rare that I look forward to eating, but today I did.

That's great to hear!

The avocados I got are on the riper side so I'll probably have to focus on eating them before they get spoiled, the same goes for the blueberries.

You may already be doing this but perfectly ripe avocados stay good in the fridge for a couple of days.

 

[Floater]

That's great to hear!

You may already be doing this but perfectly ripe avocados stay good in the fridge for a couple of days.

I had no idea they do - thank you!

 

[Cate]

I always keep my ripe avocadoes in the fridge. I loved the sound of your food yesterday. I have to really concentrate to get enough protein but I make sure I have some with every meal. Most people eat more of the unhealthy fats too & it's great to see you eating good fats. Nuts are a great snack, especially raw, unsalted almonds.

Going to take a nice walk with my dog now, and then I'll just rest before therapy tomorrow, that stuff is always kind of emotionally taxing. I'll have to be extra mindful of eating enough tomorrow, because going hungry always makes the emotional aftermath from therapy worse...!

What sort of dog do you have? I just love my little dog & love taking him for walks. Therapy is exhausting but good for you preparing yourself well for it. Hope you got that good night's sleep & that it goes well.

 

[Floater]

What sort of dog do you have? I just love my little dog & love taking him for walks. Therapy is exhausting but good for you preparing yourself well for it. Hope you got that good night's sleep & that it goes well.

I have a black German Shepherd mix, she's a rescue and 11 years old now with some wear and tear but healthy and happy... Except lately she has had odd tremors that I've tried to book a time for, I think it's just muscle strain from walking on slippery ice but better safe than sorry. Sadly vets are really packed at the moment, so I try to massage her hind legs and lower back and do some gentle stretches.

Therapy itself was good; I got a lot of stuff out that needed to get out, but it drained me. I had an assistant drop by in the afternoon and did some chores, but I ended up buying beer after the visit. I am so disappointed at myself, I just felt so overstimulated after everything. I have also eaten too little today. I'll try my best to fix it.

Breakfast: instant oatmeal with PB and fig jam
Lunch: BK halloumi burger (before therapy)
Snack: 4 500ml pilsners
Dinner: dry baguette toasted with blue cheese

I think I'll try to focus on damage control and trying to eat instead of hating myself... I do have stuff in the fridge, just no motivation to do anything with them. But let's hope!

PS pic of my dog:

 

[Llama]

Your pup is beautiful and I hope you get a vet appointment soon. Well done eating something after those beers instead of accepting defeat. It's not about perfection, it's about doing what you can when you can.

 

[Floater]

Your pup is beautiful and I hope you get a vet appointment soon. Well done eating something after those beers instead of accepting defeat. It's not about perfection, it's about doing what you can when you can.

Thank you... I managed to eat a bit more - corn cakes with blue cheese, pistachios - but I woke up with anxiety and a mild hangover. I will let this one go, because therapy is emotionally taxing, but if I notice that this keeps happening I will cut out beer completely. It clearly messed up my good intentions and hunger signals. I think another problem with beer is that it's so easily available. Wine is only sold in liquor stores here, and the nearest one is 1,5 km away, whereas any kiosk and grocery store has beer.

Well, I had absolutely no appetite but managed to force down half an avocado (it had gone dark and wasn't very appetizing), tomato juice and a popcorn cake; now I'm having coffee and I'll take the dog out soon and try to find something to take my mind off the disappointment I feel towards myself.

 

[Cate]

Your dog is lovely & she is lucky you rescued her. Good for you managing to eat when you're weren't hungry & taking good care of your dog. My dog is so good for my mental health & I am lucky to have him. Try not to feel disappointed with yourself. I don't know any perfect people. We all learn by our mistakes & we all make them.

 

[Floater]

I think that today I'll try to focus on the emotional side of drinking and try to come up with things I could use to get the emotional benefits of drinking it by doing something else. Because while I know it's unhealthy, the short term relief I get is very real. Much like a person who purges does get a short term relief from the action while it's not healthy.

I have noticed that there's a feeling of me "pampering" myself or "allowing" myself to relax, and I think it's specifically because alcohol is such a morally laden substance that I kind of enjoy letting loose and being a bit naughty. (I should probably mention that I've been open about this in healthcare and I've been evaluated and the psychiatrist said I'm neither addicted nor dependent on alcohol. Many people with ADHD rely on substances to cope, and our central nervous system responds to substances differently than neurotypical folks; it's fucked up, but I didn't choose this, and it just means I have to work with what I have.) Maybe if I started to think about alcohol as something that can be a part of a healthy diet in moderation instead of as a separate cathegory? As in, locating it into the "orange foods" cathegory but right at the bottom of the list.

I think there's an element of OCD thinking involved, too. For example, I rarely touch cured meats because I'm so scared of getting colon cancer from the nitrates, but alcohol is carcinogenic as well. When I was out of the hospital and didn't want to drink, I used to buy snack salami whenever I was in an emotional turmoil, which is usually when I buy beer.

One last thing. It doesn't really surprise me that beginning the food diary/weight management project is stressful by itself. So it makes sense I suddenly get cravings for alcohol, which I use to self-soothe. I just have to find better methods, and this is what it's all about isn't it?

 

[Llama]

One last thing. It doesn't really surprise me that beginning the food diary/weight management project is stressful by itself. So it makes sense I suddenly get cravings for alcohol, which I use to self-soothe. I just have to find better methods, and this is what it's all about isn't it?

Quite so. For me a warm bath is a go-to. As are walks, going to bed early, texting someone I haven´t heard from in a while, listening to some angry/happy/sad music, or sometimes just figuring out an outfit I might feel good in.

 

[Floater]

Quite so. For me a warm bath is a go-to. As are walks, going to bed early, texting someone I haven´t heard from in a while, listening to some angry/happy/sad music, or sometimes just figuring out an outfit I might feel good in.

I wish I had a bath tub! Today I feel too tired to really do much, so I decided to at least make sure I eat and ordered a takeout burrito and quesadilla. It sated my need to pamper myself and I got two meals worth of food for 15 euros. The restaurant makes authentic Mexican food, so when it comes to takeout it's decently healthy too. Plenty of beans and fresh veggies. Maybe it will give me the energy to write or draw or do my makeup. Maybe I'll just watch movies all day, that's fine too.

 

[alligatorob]

I did drink all of that which is NOT healthy but I try not to hate/be negative about myself for that... Besides, considering the insane amount I drank I could have done worse. I paced myself, and had snacks and water throughout the "project", and dyed my hair and watched all the episodes of WandaVision on DisneyPlus.

Sounds to me like it is time for you to just stop drinking all together. Cutting back can be a lot harder than just stopping. Follow the AA rule and just do it one day at a time, for me that really makes it easier. I probably drank about like you do pre-diet and obviously one of the problems with it is that soothing thing lowers your ability to make good eating choices. If you crave alcohol have you considered the possibility that you are alcoholic? You might want to think about it. I am not, but I don't really crave alcohol the way I crave food, I just like it, used to be I liked it a lot. Not so much now. Anyway I think you should try the no alcohol for one day and see how it goes.

I can see some real progress in your diary, you are becoming much more aware of what you are eating, and I think are eating a bit better. Keep it up, that is the right track, no one "gets there" right away. I am approaching the 2 year mark since starting and still trying to "get there", its that trying that makes things work. Stick with it, you can do this!

 

[Floater]

If you crave alcohol have you considered the possibility that you are alcoholic? You might want to think about it.
Stick with it, you can do this!

Don't worry, I have been open about this in therapy and with my psych team and I don't fit the criteria for dependency or addiction. It's a neurodivergence and PTSD thing, and it comes and goes.

Personally I don't respect the ideology of AA, while I do respect people who feel like it works for them. It's a quasi-christian self help method, not compatible with modern understanding of how dependencies and addictions work - they are just extremely good at PR and lobbying. I also find it quite dangerous to build an identity around an issue - as an ED sufferer I'm prone to that anyway. And yeah, I have gone long periods without drinking, it's a symptom of other stuff for me really.

But - I actually do appreciate the concern. Addictions, much like EDs, are illnesses that often come with a side of self deception, so had I not considered this through, I should be asking myself exactly what you were asking me. And you could not possibly have know that I am getting regular bloodwork done as part of my treatment, and even if I were lying to myself and my team and you guys here, I could not bullshit my way out of labs that measure the trace alcohol metabolites in my body.

I actually talked about this in therapy yesterday, how I want to be able to understand how different parts of my behavior affect each other. I wholeheartedly agree that drinking messes up the signals of satiation and hunger, thus exaggerating other issues. But it's much easier to internalize new patterns of behavior once an unhealthy pattern has been experienced, taken apart, and changed. I know that my thought process might feel a bit odd to some and I'm OK with it. But had I not drank yesterday and experienced the consequences mindfully, reporting it here and feeling how bleh I currently feel, the process just wouldn't work the same.

I hope I didn't come across as impolite!