Floater's diary

Llama said:
My mom had bad migraines and dehydration was the one thing that would _for sure_ trigger one.
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Yeah. Ever since I was a kid I've been drinking so much water that my friends nicknamed me "deciliter bladder" because I'd rush to pee first thing every recess. I tend to get antsy and panicky anytime I feel a tiny bit thirsty so on some level I probably always knew I'd risk an attack if I got dehydrated :unsure:

Anyway. Today was a good day. I had a short walk to the grocery store and bought sauerkraut, grated cheese and scallions so I can get some variety into my "bottom of the freezer" meals before I get my disability benefits, and also bought one beer. I know I said I'd be teetotaling until the psychiatrist, but that one single beer won't show up in my bloodwork in any way and I enjoyed having it on my walk back home. Now of course in the future I need to monitor how alcohol and my migraines interact, but let's just say that if I were one of those people for whom alcohol is a migraine trigger, I would know that by now lol.

Hmm. I think I'll take a shower and let Heikki out for his third playtime tonight before I go to sleep. The apartment looks and smells lovely.
 
This last post sounds really positive. I'm so glad you had a good day :)
 
If one beer could show in your blood test accurately all it would do is show that you can do moderaation, which is good. (But I know tests aren't that specific and just look for any trace, positive or negative.)
 
Llama said:
If one beer could show in your blood test accurately all it would do is show that you can do moderaation, which is good. (But I know tests aren't that specific and just look for any trace, positive or negative.)
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Yeah. Nowadays they have this specific test that measures the presence of alcohol's metabolic byproducts that get attached to the lipids of the cell walls (B-PEth). The count gets elevated after 2 weeks of daily drinking and drops back to zero after 2-4 weeks of abstinence. Getting pig drunk on a weekend doesn't show in it, it specifically shows daily use. But it's also expensive so it's not routinely taken unless there's serious doubts about a patient lying about their alcohol use. For the most part psych clinics just routine screen for drugs in piss and take routine bloodwork where alcohol abuse may or may not show in elevated levels of ALAT, AFOS, GT and bilirubine.

Hah, I nerded out there. But I'm interested in this stuff, I think it's fascinating how much a drop of blood can tell about a person, and on the other hand also how integral this almost occult knowledge is when it comes to controlling and punishing citizens in the medical and legal systems 🤔
 
Llama said:
Biochemistry is super interesting!
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It is!

And it adds an element of personal interest to it to know how just a sprinkle of hormone therapy can change a body so much. Which lets me segue to trans stuff. This week I had a war room meeting with T, one of my autism assistance professionals, who was present in the first meeting with Sex Nurse. It was so relieving to hear him say "well she's been painting quite the picture of you" when he had read the statement, and I feel so much more secure about my chances at the trans clinic in September knowing he´ll be there and can use his professional position (and cis male optics haha) to defend my right to get fair treatment. And just as I've noticed this before, whenever I feel like medical transition is achievable, self-care just becomes so much easier. My well-being is intrinsically tied to my idea of me having the right to my own body and the chance to seek out treatments to make it feel more like a home.

Heikki was a piss ninja last night and once again peed on my bed. I ordered a cheap bed cover online, easier to toss that in the wash than to wash my sheets and duvet every other day lol. He doesn't pee the bed if I'm interacting with him but if I get distracted by my phone or something else, he sneaks in a quick piss. Thank god it's only a teaspoonful, but he's definitely my tiny Jekyll/Hyde: both incredibly adorable AND a filthy little boy. :D
 
I found a pack of exfoliating socks in my bathroom cupboard so for the next 1,5hrs I'll be chilling with them on. I have an inkling that Heikki is going to find the peeling skin very interesting - he always nibbles at scabs and my leg hair. 😂
 
Floater said:
This week I had a war room meeting with T, one of my autism assistance professionals, who was present in the first meeting with Sex Nurse. It was so relieving to hear him say "well she's been painting quite the picture of you" when he had read the statement, and I feel so much more secure about my chances at the trans clinic in September knowing he´ll be there and can use his professional position (and cis male optics haha) to defend my right to get fair treatment.
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That's great to hear. It sucks that they won't respect you on your own merit but when that's how it is it's awesome that you have qualified help in your corner.
 
Sigh. Had sauerkraut and Kombucha as a snack. I look gross, like a fat white maggot that feeds on dead bodies in the cemetery. Packed my gym gear for tomorrow. Feeling angry and frustrated and hopeless. I'll probably be one of those guys who'll sit around and wait for their trans diagnosis for 10+ years and once it's set, are too old to start treatments. I took a super cute pic of Heikki sitting on my arm today but I can't really enjoy it because I look all wrong in it.
 
Floater said:
And it adds an element of personal interest to it to know how just a sprinkle of hormone therapy can change a body so much. Which lets me segue to trans stuff. This week I had a war room meeting with T, one of my autism assistance professionals, who was present in the first meeting with Sex Nurse. It was so relieving to hear him say "well she's been painting quite the picture of you" when he had read the statement, and I feel so much more secure about my chances at the trans clinic in September knowing he´ll be there and can use his professional position (and cis male optics haha) to defend my right to get fair treatment. And just as I've noticed this before, whenever I feel like medical transition is achievable, self-care just becomes so much easier. My well-being is intrinsically tied to my idea of me having the right to my own body and the chance to seek out treatments to make it feel more like a home.
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Quoted to remind you :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
Quoted to remind you :grouphug:
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Thank you dear Cate!

I had a nightmare that I had top surgery (bilateral mastectomy) but the surgeon left me with half a tit on each side to "not make me look bottom heavy" 😅 In the dream he was some Russian dude who operated on me in the sauna of a nearby towerblock. After the botched operation, I ran into a group of Finnish Buddhists who had a temple in Lapland and they kinda adopted me as their pet and I was allowed to live and eat there as long as I did janitorial errands. 😂
 
Breakfast: soy mince sauce, pasta, and cheese. After eating this I'll slap on some sunscreen and walk to the gym.

My favorite time of the year is almost here. Or, should I say, it feels like late summer and early fall are starting to overlap and coexist a bit. Of all the seasons I just love fall the most. The gradual loss and decay of things makes me focus on the beauty of things in the moment, and I love the scent of yellowing leaves. This is going to be my first fall without Nera, and for some reason it feels less anxiety-inducing than the first spring or first summer without her. And less natural light means more nighttime for me to roam out on the fields and in the woods without having to pay attention to other people and who they perceive me as. Heikki will probably also become more active and more cuddly in the winter months, as he clearly tolerates and even seeks out touch later in the evening when it's darker (which he also probably feels is safer. Like father like son lol).

I also had this really reassuring thought that in a sense, transitioning will never be over, it's a life-long process, so one day I'll look back at these months and years and it will seem like they flew by. For now, estrogen will keep my skin looking youthful and my hair on my head, and thankfully I can still build my physique even if the more gendered aspects of my body don't feel like a home to me right now.
 
Gym was good. I actually had some migraine-like auras as I was doing bench press but I don't feel too out of the ordinary now.

My red microwave is finally going to arrive!! ...Which also means I gotta pay for it this month so I have to be super careful with my budget. I hope that the appliance was worth 5 months of waiting lol. I'm sure it is. No more Dirty Dish Mountain every time I want to heat up a nice bowl of lentil stew.

I had my post workout porridge at the gym and am now having a bowl of bland-ass lentil stew with rice. I'm telling myself it's fuel and building blocks. Big boys finish their humble gruel!
 
Well, I didn't finish the humble gruel but I did eat half of it. I packed my swimming gear for tomorrow, let Heikki out to play and cleaned up his cage while he was busy with his hay ball. Once the cage was all clean and nice, I put him back in and vacuumed the rest of the apartment. Did dishes and laundry... Put red lentils to soak for my next batch of lentil stew... All of this makes me feel like everything is in its right place.
 
I was angry at myself because I didn't handle Heikki carefully enough and spooked him and he slipped off a tuft of fur... Then I figured out I had only eaten half a bowl of lentil mess with rice and some sauerkraut as a snack, and made myself a big batch of red lentil stew (this one turned out great actually) and had a portion of it with spinach and pollock. While I was eating, I asked for advice and it turned out that Heikki is probably a little bit underweight. The fur slips are normal as he's new here and still adjusting, but I shoud start monitoring his weight. Food-wise I've been doing things right - fresh water always available, an unlimited amount of specific brand of pellets, and quality hay - but he probably gets a little bit too much exercise. So for some time now I'll only let him out to run once a day, and I'll buy a kitchen scale so I can monitor his weight. (EDIT: the former home gave him shitty pellets and let him roam four hours per day so of course he hasn't bounced to a healthy weight during the few weeks he's been here. I just need to give him a bit less playtime and otherwise keep up what I've been doing so far. Chinchillas are really hard to get to gain weight but slow and steady wins the race.)

It's almost like there's a metaphor hidden somewhere in here :sneaky::rotflmao:
 
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I might be heading towards another migraine. My lower back is on fire and my sense of smell is heightened. I'm also sad and weepy. I made myself a bowl of instant ramen in the hope that eating and drinking plenty of water might alleviate it if not prevent it.
 
There definitely is. And I hope you can smother that migraine before it blows up.
 
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