Floater's diary

GOD FUCKING DAMN.

My mom had wanted to bring Heikki some chin-safe wood for shelves in his cage, and fleece blankets, and we met an hour ago on the parking lot as they were heading towards my niece´s place. And out of the blue mom asked me cheerily if they can come visit Heikki with my niece. I was flabbergasted. I told her absolutely not without first asking my niece's mom, my brother's widow. Then headed inside and broke down crying because I felt so strongly that my niece liking cute little animals was secondary in my mom's mind to the opportunity to gain access to my private life. There's a REASON why my parents have never set foot in my apartment and never will.

Obviously my first instinct was to contact my niece's mom and explain this situation to her and say that I would love to meet my niece some day when they are ready. But that a child who has recently lost a parent deserves to have safe, reliable adults in their life and because I'm autistic, mentally ill, and trans, I want the mom to be the one who decides about whether the time is right and it's not something for my mother to decide. I also asked her to not tell my mom that I'm trans and it sucks that I had to come out to her out of necessity like this but... Yeah.

Oh: also, the fleece my mom bought is unsuitable as there's fiber coming out of it and it's a choking hazard, and the wood she brought is PANEL which would be impossible to clean AND would fuck up Heikki's feet, so that was absolutely useless. Also when I tried to plug in the condensate drain hose to my AC the condensate drained and now I probably have to wait 12h before plugging the thing in again so me and Heikki have to survive the hottest day this summer without AC because I wasn't in my right mind/focused when I was fiddling with the AC because I was crying my eyes out about how horrid it is that my mom uses a child's innocent interest towards fluffy animals as a way to snake back into her adult son's life. Fuck everything.
 
Oh and I also feel guilty because I feel like such a BRAT for having such strong emotions about this and feeling unsafe in my home just about the possibility of my parents coming here, because the truth is they have aided me financially over the years, and in my brain that kid of gives them a sort of ownership over me and my life and my stuff and my apartment. Which of course isn't true - I haven't forced them to aid me, and in today's economy it's not unusual for parents of means to aid their adult children - but still. It's so messy.

I just wish I were normal and healthy and able to work like normal people do. It's hellish to rely on charity.
 
Allright. Fuck my parents, I managed to get the AC going as I figured that if the manufacturer doesn't explicitly forbid switching the thing on after plugging in the hose, the warranty can't be voided due to buyer's negligence.

Time to eat (leftover pasta, black beans, minced beef and spinach w cheese), clean up H:s cage and go aqua jogging.
 
Floater said:
the truth is they have aided me financially over the years, and in my brain that kid of gives them a sort of ownership over me and my life and my stuff and my apartment.
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That may be part of the reason why they aided you: in order to more easily manipulate you. Good for you for standing your ground and I hope your brother's widow reacted humanely :grouphug:
 
Llama said:
That may be part of the reason why they aided you: in order to more easily manipulate you.
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I agree... And so does my therapist...
Llama said:
Good for you for standing your ground and I hope your brother's widow reacted humanely :grouphug:
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Thank you *hug*. She hasn't responded yet but I'm sure she'll be civil about it, she's a decent person!

I haven't managed to go outside yet. I may need to postpone the swimming pool until my head is no longer spinning from all this whiplash! I'm grateful that I have that trans clinic appointment coming up but I'd be lying if I claimed it doesn't also make me nervous. So much depends on luck, and the mood of the doctor. They'll of course refer to the the bullshit statement by Sex Nurse, but I hope they won't leave their humanity at home that day...
 
Well, that was one erectile dysfunction of a workout. I aqua jogged for 20 mins and swam a lap and was angry as a hornet for the whole time. But it's still better than nothing. At least I got to wash and cool down.
 
Llama said:
Say what now? :rotflmao: :rotflmao::rotflmao:
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A total flop.

To add to my emasculation, of course tonight was the night when I was walking home from the pool, disheveled and a beer in hand, when my friend the priest cycled by in a flowered sundress and her red hair glistening in the sun with a male friend or relative and a tiny tot paddling away frantically on a kiddie bike. When she greeted me and I greeted her back, her voice was lower than mine.

I have to believe that God loves their mistakes because I surely am one. A good thing that I've got a quarter of whisky in the cupboard because right now I need to press pause on my life and withdraw into a parallel reality where I'm not a dickless freak of nature.

But: first I'll tend to my furry little son.

Oh, and the AC had spilled condensate all over the floor so that's a cherry on the top 🙄
 
Ok: a great outcome of a shit day. My brother's widow sent me a very kind message asking what pronouns her english-speaking partner should use and was generally very sweet about me being a crazy waste of air. I just hope that when the time is right, the little rugrat can meet me and not think I'm a total embarassment in her bloodline 🙏

Edit: Oh and I'm glad she has someone new, god knows she needs someone great after my alcoholic shitshow of a brother. 😅
 
Cate said:
Oh, I'm so glad your day had a great outcome :grouphug:
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Yeah. I really feel like the next generation has parents/parental figures who actually CARE about them. I'm low on words, took a long walk and bummed a cigarette from some rando. Came home, showered, brushed the icky ciggy residue out of my teeth, let Heikki out to play. Maybe there's hope for us all. Us as single individuals can't do much but I believe that every single good act must count towards something. 🤔
 
Cate said:
:iagree:
I just found this & thought it very cute. You have a little, cute chill pill 💓
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That's adorable!!

My little chill pill dealer is scurrying around the apartment and it's very hard to be sad with a chinchilla around. Heikki is really fascinating and he gives me a reason to go on however bad I feel about my body and my life. Who else would care for him?
 
Cheeseburger for breakfast, taking the long route home. Weather is stunning and grasshoppers are really going at it today 🥰 This is my happy place. These moments are worth living for.
 
I spent the entire yesterday dissociating in bed. Weird. I can't even figure out what triggered it this time.
 
Llama said:
:grouphug: That sucks. I hope today is better.
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Thanks, Llama. I wish it were. In a way I guess it is - I cleaned up, cleaned H's cage... And noticed the AC mishap on Friday has left my floor with a notable bump where it got wet and dried up again. I have no idea if it will level out or if that's one more thing my rent deposit won't cover.

I have some pretty dark thoughts. Maybe I'll never get better. Maybe I wasn't ready for a new pet.
 
You're already better, just not your best yet. When I moved in to my current apartment the floor by the kitchenette was extremely uneven (stupid choice to put a badly protected wood product in a wet area) and it took months for it to even out completely so don't give up hope too soon.
 
I have eaten one tuna steak and one bowl of green lentil and spinach stew today. I have cleaned up. Played with Heikki and he allowed me to cuddle him for a bit. But there's a dread inside me and a sense of futility.
 
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