Floater's diary

I'm making bean stew for dinner - a bit of a struggle meal, I need to ration my fresh veg and rely mostly on canned and frozen stuff - but I think it'll turn out great. It has garlic, celery, cherry tomatoes, a can of kidney beans, a bit of corn and a bit of sauerkraut, as well as tomato paste, gochujang, and hot sauce. I sauteed the veggies, added water and the rest of the ingredients, and am now simmering it on the lowest setting while the dishwasher is running. I think I'll serve it either with pasta and cheese or somen noodles depending on my mood. And I took frozen mango out to thaw for a snack later.

I'm feeling really good for some reason. Calm and hopeful. I'm still really tired but I am also excited about going back to the gym and the pool. I'll go aqua jogging tomorrow after having sushi with my ex! I already packed my swim bag.
 
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I had the bean and veg stew with somen noodles and scallions. It was a bit bland, but hopefully it will get richer-tasting in the fridge. In any case it was a low-kcal, high fiber meal that left me feeling satiated but not stuffed. I'm having thawed mango for dessert now.

I haven't left the apartment yet today, but I've gotten a lot of chores done and did my online grocery shopping for next month. The delivery date is set on 4.4. and I'll try to eat my freezer empty before that, and ideally thaw and clean my fridge and freezer too, but we'll see. There doesn't seem to be much ice buildup so I'm not going to stress out about that, and I clean my fridge more or less regularly anyway. I ordered a lot of frozen veg and fruit. I prefer fresh, but frozen is an easy way to avoid food waste. I've never really gotten used to eating frozen fruit, but it's a smart choice when on a budget, and once the weather starts getting seriously warmer, it will be a nice cooling habit. Grains-wise I only got more polenta, because I'm drowning in pasta and rice. I also got four boxes of unpasteurized sauerkraut and some Turkish yogurt. That's a nice base to build on.
 
Great to hear you have the folks from the non-profit to support you: sounds like you have a solid plan for your call with the doctor.

I love frozen mango but am not a fan of most other frozen fruits. Frozen veggies are fine as long as they're not mixed together though.
 
Llama said:
Great to hear you have the folks from the non-profit to support you: sounds like you have a solid plan for your call with the doctor.

I love frozen mango but am not a fan of most other frozen fruits. Frozen veggies are fine as long as they're not mixed together though.
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Yeah the mixed stuff is vile and never cooks right. I like frozen peas, edamame, spinach, and sweetcorn. This time I ordered snap peas too, out of curiosity. But I never eat frozen broccoli, cauliflower etc, they lose their mouthfeel. Frozen potato is also horrid (unless it's fries or such, but I never eat those at home anyway). I'm particular about my potatoes!

I also like frozen mango, but also pineapple and pomegranate seeds. Frozen blueberries and cranberries are good but bigger/juicier berries like strawberries and raspberries tend to get all soggy. :)

I'm really glad I got to talk to the nonprofit person!!!
 
I almost prefer frozen broccoli/cauliflower to fresh because of the mouthfeel :D Frozen spinach is too metallic for me, but the same is true for all cooked spinach.
 
Llama said:
I almost prefer frozen broccoli/cauliflower to fresh because of the mouthfeel :D Frozen spinach is too metallic for me, but the same is true for all cooked spinach.
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No hate! We all have our preferences :) I love crunchy things and bitter things, as well as the taste of iron in dark leafy greens and red meat. AFAIK taste has a genetic component to it, it's really interesting.

I'm watching "Bad Vegan" on Netflix. It's a documentary series about a vegan restauranteur, who got sucked into a love scam with cult-ish undertones, and eventually lost everything she had. Heartbreaking, but very interesting both as a theology/CSR graduate and considering my own fucked up background. And it makes interesting side points about veganism as a quasi religious lifestyle. For me it definitely was tied deeply into my fear of being evil, which fed my ED, OCD and anxiety. I wish the swindled and abused woman will find happiness and security in her life going forward.

Watching the doc brought out my creativity, too (as it has a lot of footage of the vegan restaurant) so I took out the ingredients to the next dish I'll try out. I'm thinking spinach couscous with white beans and pomegranate seeds.

You know what folks? I have a feeling that on my 34th year I'll slim down. Not because I would try super hard and over-exert myself, but because I feel like I have a strong foundation to build on. And my expectations finally feel realistic, too. Losing Nera was horrible, but she lives on within me.
 
Floater said:
I just had a video call with a trans nonprofit org worker. He told me that he has heard complaints about Terrifying Sex Nurse before, and that made me feel a lot better. We went over the best strategy to do damage control when I get the call from my doctor on 31.3: I should go through the timeline of my three meetings with the nurse, explain how we went through a major trauma in our second meeting and then she ended the interviews abruptly on the third, and that I have still been able to stay functional and use the techniques I've learned in therapy, and that I'm very willing to keep working towards my transition with a new person. I feel hopeful.
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That's excellent. You do have some really good support.
Floater said:
I'm feeling really good for some reason. Calm and hopeful. I'm still really tired but I am also excited about going back to the gym and the pool. I'll go aqua jogging tomorrow after having sushi with my ex! I already packed my swim bag.
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I love this. Calm & hopeful xo
I had sushi yesterday. It was delicious.
 
@Cate glad to hear you enjoyed your sushi! I'm eagerly waiting for tomorrow... I'll stuff my face with sushi, fingers crossed that I won't sink when going to the pool afterwards lol 😂 Take care! Give Arthur a lil scritchie for me :3
 
Well, the sushi buffet had dropped drastically in quality, but we got our bellies full, and my ex drove me to the pool. I aqua jogged for two hours and had a snack of beef jerky, brazil nuts and pumpkin seeds in the locker room. I just got home. I feel tired but accomplished.
 
I had some mango for a snack and a marathon phone call with a friend. After that I headed to the grocery store to get some cheese, TP, and a beer, and lo and behold: my card didn't fucking work. I knew I had enough money, I even checked it, but apparently my bank had some kind of an issue? However, a saving angel approached me in the form of a middle-aged woman who offered to pay for my purchases and I offered to give her my contact info in case MobilePay wouldn't work. Luckily, I could transfer the sum right back to her via MobilePay, and she told me that she felt compassionate as I was starting to panic, and that she works as a wages clerk and knows fully well how much it sucks when banks run into problems. She told me to enjoy my beer and that I will most certainly do now that I'm back at home, with my cheeses and bog roll secured. :D :D

I did wonder for a second if the Russia situation has something to do with there having been a lot of banking issues lately, but maybe that's just my sense of impending doom talking. Sucks to have such a noisy neighbor. The war in Ukraine is pressing down on everyone. (No hate towards Russian citizens though, they didn't choose their leadership.)
 
Two fried fish fillets with a side of yesterdays's spinach and bean couscous and a bit of sauerkraut (served cold). My skin looks super irritated and red for some reason, ugh. :/ At least the food is good!
 
Llama said:
Did you use a different lotion before going aquajogging, perhaps?
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Just sesame oil, which usually doesn't break me out. Maybe I just sat in the sauna for too long? The pool has pretty harsh saunas. It could also be that as we are in the beginning of pollen season, sesame oil is irritating my skin even if it usually would not do so. There's also a lot of dust in the air because winter's road sand and salt is now exposed and gets blown all over in the wind.

Breakfast: two flatbreads with marg and salt beef, a bowl of veggie and bean soup with cheese. I already packed my gym gear and took my ADHD med, and will pack up my post workout porridge soon. I want to hit the gym before everyone and their uncle gets home from work.
 
I cried because I miss Nera so much, and had a cup of maté. Had 2dl of thawed mango cubes, lit a candle in Nera's memory, and will have another cup of maté and then head to the gym. I decided to pack four Ritz crackers, four Brazil nuts, and a handful of pumpkin seeds for my post workout snack instead of a porridge. Also took a short effect ADHD med because I'm so emotionally exhausted and physically "frozen" that I need to max out if I want to get anything done.

Assistance person came over when I was having breakfast and I told him that right now I feel like I'm better off single and I should get used to the idea of spending my life like this. And that maybe I don't want another dog, because now I have a dog whose well-being I never have to fear and worry about. It's possible that aqua jogging for 2 hours after a long break exhausted me, so I need to be careful not to over exert myself at the gym.
 
It probably was a combination of all those factors. It usually is.

Feeling like you're better off forever alone when you're sad and hurting is perfectly normal :grouphug:
 
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