Floater's diary

I just had a weird moment of neutral self-acceptance.

I am mentally ill. It doesn't make me a bad person.

I am mentally ill. It affects my physical health.

I am mentally ill. It limits my choices in career, finances, relationships.

In many ways, I am just as ill as a diabetic person or someone with cancer. I would never judge anyone like I judge myself. My body's lifespan may not be automatically shortened by my mental illness, but I will likely be worn out before my time.

And it's OK. I truly have tried my best. I will keep trying. Watching Nera get old is a lot like watching myself disintegrate. I might never reach my goals of transitioning, or even share a kiss with someone again. Life washed over me and past me and what I have left are creature comforts and a solemn serenity. It could be so much worse.

I think I really am OK. Not good, but OK.
 
Acceptance of mental illness as an illness, like any other, by everyone, would be a wonderful thing.
Floater said:
I might never reach my goals of transitioning, or even share a kiss with someone again.
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Put that idea out of your head, please. Why would you not share a kiss with someone again?
 
Ok has to be good enough, a lot of the time. Roll with the punches when needed and enjoy the good stuff, which I'm sure will come along as well even if we don't yet know what shape it will take.
 
I am so fucking mad.

I got a letter from the trans clinic today, and instead of having to go through the normal "life span interview" to determine if I'm trans or not, I'm going to have to attend ten mandatory therapy sessions with a psychiatric nurse who has had some additional sex ed courses. TEN SESSIONS. Reasoning: I'm autistic, so I can't be expected to understand my own gender identity, so an extra delay of 6+ months is just common sense basically.

I sent that - excuse my French - that c*nt an email, asking about why the plans have been changed on a dime, and she sent me back an extremely passive aggressive email, saying I don't have to go through the therapy if I don't want to. (Which is bullshit because it's literally mandatory for my transitioning.) So basically, I'll be having a very enthusiastically kink and sex positive psych nurse picking my brain over the next half a year or so, and I have no choice but to grin and bear it. Just as an example of her, eh, expertise, she literally offers anime cosplay as an alternative to transitioning. I feel like punching drywall. And: she's not even going to o the interviews, she'll just give me "therapy" I have no choice of turning down. This is INSANE. INSANE. AND SO HUMILIATING.
 
Floater said:
I'm going to have to attend ten mandatory therapy sessions with a psychiatric nurse who has had some additional sex ed courses.
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My first thought was that might not be a bad idea before anyone underwent elective surgery (like, say, a Brazilian butt lift). Provided it was an actually qualified therapist and all that. You could even use it to bridge the therapist-is-away gap. Buuuuut...
Floater said:
she literally offers anime cosplay as an alternative to transitioning.
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Dafuq?! Yeah, nobody can expect you to take that seriously. Or not see it as an insult. Do you have the option to object to this specific person and see someone less outrageous?
 
Llama said:
My first thought was that might not be a bad idea before anyone underwent elective surgery (like, say, a Brazilian butt lift). Provided it was an actually qualified therapist and all that. You could even use it to bridge the therapist-is-away gap. Buuuuut...

Dafuq?! Yeah, nobody can expect you to take that seriously. Or not see it as an insult. Do you have the option to object to this specific person and see someone less outrageous?
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Big agree about the BBL angle.

And... Yeah well, this person is the "only qualified person" in Finland to deal with autistic trans patiens. She did tell me that if I don't like working with her, I have the option to skip it. But that would mean I wouldn't get to transition. She also spent a paragraph telling me how happy all of her patients have been. So, grin and bear it.

Making baked potatoes with onions, and going to have steak with it. The thin kind, in Finland it's called "leaf steak", no idea what it's called in English.

Nera has been getting steadily better <3 Ordered some puppy food and more soft canned food for her today. She's a darling.
 
Floater said:
Yeah well, this person is the "only qualified person" in Finland to deal with autistic trans patiens. She did tell me that if I don't like working with her, I have the option to skip it. But that would mean I wouldn't get to transition. She also spent a paragraph telling me how happy all of
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Yeah, she can go get a colonoscopy from a rusty chain-link fence. Making transition dependent on people playing nice and then bragging about how nicely they played along is fucking disgusting. Grin and bear it indeed.

Very glad to hear Nera is getting better though.
 
Words fail me, Floater. That sucks big time.
I just had a quick read of Finland's transitioning policy & it does sound like they do everything they can to put massive hurdles in the way. It's incredibly discriminatory! I was really shocked. Compulsory sterilisation? Is that real?
That's great to hear that Nera is doing so well 🐶💕
 
Cate said:
Words fail me, Floater. That sucks big time.
I just had a quick read of Finland's transitioning policy & it does sound like they do everything they can to put massive hurdles in the way. It's incredibly discriminatory! I was really shocked. Compulsory sterilisation? Is that real?
That's great to hear that Nera is doing so well 🐶💕
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Yep, it is real... Thank you for your compassion and support dear Cate.

And yes, Nera having recovered this well is like a little holy light in my life right now. I love her so much. Ordered puppy chow for her like the vet suggested! I hope to plump the old lady up a bit. <3
 
I have eaten a sandwich and an egg for breakfast and am now having spaghetti with hummus. I had super high anxiety earlier but decided to take part in a Bible study group with my trusted priest, and it made me feel so much better. We are a group for 18-39-year-olds, so the (online) meetings are a lot of fun. I think I'll take part in an online escape room game with the same folks in two weeks... And will definitely start attending the Bible study groups again. I had almost a year's worth of a break after I was hospitalized and just felt too ashamed after trying it back and telling everyone I had been in the looney bin. But now it felt lovely to go back. Maybe, when the plague will some day end, I'll have a meet cute moment in some church function. :jump:

The terrifying sex nurse (lol) sent me another email this morning and apparently had put together two and two and realized I'm suffering from past medical trauma, so that makes me feel a bit better.
 
Yay for supportive, relaxed groups! And I really hope the terrifying sex lady turns out to be bearable at least.
 
Hi friends! I had a nice evening. A friend popped over, we ate, drank, and walked Nera. This was very welcome, I had slipped into (non voluntary) fasting again. Seeing her was such a morale boost and I loved our talks.
 
Floater said:
Hi friends! I had a nice evening. A friend popped over, we ate, drank, and walked Nera. This was very welcome, I had slipped into (non voluntary) fasting again. Seeing her was such a morale boost and I loved our talks.
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It sounds like perfect timing. I'm glad you had a lovely evening.
 
Haha, Nera picked up a stick on our walk and wanted to play with it! I was heartbroken that I had to prevent her, and it made her very frustrated, but I think it's a sign that her mouth is getting better and gums are no longer sore. Unfortunately, the solvable stitches need 1,5-2 weeks from surgery date to do their job, so this time I couldn't let her have her fun. But I'll introduce her back to kibble food on Thursday (two weeks from surgery), and maybe give her small amounts from Tuesday onwards, and after that she can play with all the sticks and eat all the bones her little heart desires!

I'm having a cheese sandwich for breakfast. I'll cook something proper soon!
 
Eating has been hard today. Dry saltines... Tried baked potatoes, but the smell alone made me gag. Luckily those will be just fine later, refrigerated.

I started to watch "The Good Doctor" on Netflix. Similar to Sherlock and sherlock-adjacent fiction, it is sometimes infuriating to see a kind of a "perfect version" of an autistic person onscreen; in reality, the main character would have died within the first 10 mins of the show. BUT: I also think the show has good intentions, and the actor for the main role portrays stereotypical autistic body language quite well. It's a bit trippy to watch it as a "masking" autistic, as in, I control my movements to look like I were neurotypical, which was kinda ingrained in me as a kid. But it's really hard for both those autistics who can't mask, and those who can. I think the world can always see there's something unusual about us.

This is not just a human thing. Dogs tend to ostracize black dogs, because their face is hard to read. Horses ostracize white horses, because as prey animals, they stick out and attract predators. I guess knowing this makes it all a bit more tolerable?
 
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