@Llama , of course there is a balance to be kept: any visible setback to my mental health means 2+ years of delay to the diagnostic process. Back to square one.
But getting the diagnosis, and starting treatments, is as important for my long term health as anything else. Reminder: finishing the interviews alone takes at least a year from this day. Treatments, which are designed individually by places NOT the transclinic, are ultimately meant to alleviate a bodily issue that causes mental harm and anguish to me.
I know it can sound weird for me to say, but in so many ways I'm doing so well right now. It's just a constant slowburn stress to know I'm being scrutinized every step of the way while fighting myself towards the diagnosis and eventually the help I need. Reminder: the trans clinic process is designed to *keep people FROM transitioning*, not help them do it. And transitioning under the care of professionals is another process entirely and takes years to "finish" and a lifetime to keep up.
Think about it like this: if I would not have finished high school, I would be estranged from society without any of the work opportunities I have had, AND I would never have gotten to Uni. If I had never gotten to Uni, I would never have had been able to go through trauma psychotherapy, never acquired the skills to explore and build my identity, and gather the necessary knowledge to realize I'm autistic. Without my combined higher education and skills learned in therapy, I would never have been able to seek out and get a diagnosis and proper support in regard to my autism. Without that support, I would not have current access to correct medication or assistance, and would be trapped in an unhealthy relationship, most likely would not have graduated. Without breaking up and being hospitalized I would have kept putting my wish to transition off, because it is very hard to do without support. Without my degree, transitioning would be more difficult, because the trans clinic is VERY classist and ableist. Basically, every step I've taken has led me further towards bigger goals in building myself up. The mind breaking every now and then is just a natural outcome of my environment being hostile to my true self, and me having to fight for the resources to proceed towards the true self. In an ideal world it wouldn't be this way. But my choices are to curl up and rot, or to keep pushing. So far I've always been happy with the decision to push, no matter how bad it feels in a moment.
Also: I don't compare my personal hardships to those of others, so I never mind hearing from other people's perspectives. Suffering is not a competition! I can relate to what you say about the "keeping up with the Joneses" mentality, while also knowing that settling for sustainability is the RIGHT choice. Both for ourselves and the planet. I think your life sounds really nice and I would like to have something similar one day. I simply see the transitioning process as a true necessity on my way there.
I know I sound very eccentric for saying this but perhaps the best analogy for mental burnouts I can come up with, in my personal life, are the bends (what divers get when resurfacing, unless they stop to acclimatize). "Started from the bottom, now I'm here" lol. In my three previous decades I've had less support. Now the situation is different and living on benefits gives me more time to acclimatize between periods of "ascension", if you will. The bends will hit again, there's a lot of unknown factors ahead, but I know in my bones the direction is correct.
Ramble ramble
*hugs*
I also kind of loved my reaction in the dream. 
