Fiera's Diary

Curly Bubbly this morning, Trying to get below the surface. AN. The luncheon. Saylor. Proggy. Dad and Peaches. BG. My brother. Changing relationships. Hanging on, letting go, seeking joy, living my life, keeping boundaries. Equanimity. Loneliness. Fear. Choices. Active decision making. What is weighing me down and what can I do to change it (or not).

I hit some low points in the past week; gratefully they passed. But it has been quite a while and they are warning signs. She did challenge me to take,a deeper look at what has been going on for me over the past 6 months or so when I have been particularly feeling constrained, manifesting in jagged emotional reactions and impulses. She had a good point about the health issues and uncertainties.

It was also a good reminder to focus on what I want to do and what brings me joy. Stop making myself resonsible for other people's comfort and fulfillment.

Makes me sad though that she pretty much thinks that life is mostly a series of ebb and flow and "proximity relationships" like co-workers. The good news is she doesn't think it is me personally; it is just the nature of things. I guess I feel like new people don't and won't know me, the me that I miss, they only see the me that exists now, kind of broken and insecure and overweight, and anxious and unattractive, and unintereating, My life is as boring and plain and uninspiring right now as it has ever been. And maybe I cling to people and memories of better times because the present is just not good and I find it daunting to rebuild.

But really. AN - lost cause. Saylor - not resonating. Proggy - stifling. Time to get on with the new.
 
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I like getting time to think about this stuff. That is something I have been missing.
In the past 6 months S was also spiralling, Peaches had a family crisis and health crises, I have gone to spending much more time w my dad, and Proggy grasped on to me. The dog rescue thing ramped up. I have added numerous daily tasks to my daily "musts" (eye care, hormones, etc). I have not been able to wear contacts and that affects activity. It is natural that I am feeling that there is not enough fun and joy. And I guess THAT is what drew me back to AN again. He brings a playfulness and creativity and quickness and youthful energy, always learning, always connecting with new people. If not him, then new person(s) and activities can fill that void.

I was able to go back and build a timeline because I didn't used to feel so much self doubt and insecurity. Not publishing here but it was a good walk through my journey and evolution and why I ended up where I am now.

Going to go be present now. Chinese takeout for dinner and then my brother and his dog will be arriving between 7 and 9. Hopefully it will be a fun visit,
 
Last day.
Good visit with brother and his C-Dog. Dad even said it was a nice visit. He is not one to typically make such observations. It helped that politics were avoided.
Visit gave brother firsthand look at the situation Peaches, my dad and I are navigating w r t dad's health. I appreciated that he called out certain person we both know as a (former) alcoholic. I was not sure what his perspective had been at the time.

Interrupted because Dad is needing help standing up. We are looking for mobility options.

Also dad went to ER this afternoon. Fun times.
 
Fiera said:
I guess I feel like new people don't and won't know me, the me that I miss, they only see the me that exists now, kind of broken and insecure and overweight, and anxious and unattractive, and uninteresting,
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Fiera said:
And I guess THAT is what drew me back to AN again. He brings a playfulness and creativity and quickness and youthful energy, always learning, always connecting with new people. If not him, then new person(s) and activities can fill that void.
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Such a big difference in mood/confidence between the two!
Fiera said:
Also dad went to ER this afternoon. Fun times.
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Oh dear :grouphug: I hope he's ok now.
 
Last 24 in FL were nuts. Dad took another tumble while we were heading out to lunch/airport. His legs are too weak to support his weight, and his right leg is not right and his knees are bone on bone and he is 50-60 pounds overweight.

Rather than feeling shame about having to ride his scooter into the restaurant for the first time, he decided to forgo the tuna salad sandwich on wheat for a double cheeseburger with a chocolate milkshake (complete with whipped cream and cherry). It was obvious that he is acting out with food, that he is self-destructing with food because of feelings he is having. But I can't do anything for someone who refuses help and doesn't want to help himself. It is blatantly unfair though that his denial and unwillingness to change causes Peaches and I to suffer.

This is the same scenario which caused resentment in my marriage. I signed up to be someone's partner and love them always. I did not sign up to play nurse and caretaker to support their unhealthy and destructive decisions. Whether alcohol or food or drugs, it is all the same stuff that al anon deals with. Loving someone from a distance sucks.

When I got home last night my boiler was out. It was 34 degrees in the house (a bit warmer in the basement). The service tech could not come out. I borrowed a couple of space heaters from SB/hubby in addition to the 2 small ones I already had. Kept the pipes from freezing thankfully. Outside temps were in low 20's overnight. Inside it was 46 so I slept really bundled up in ski jacket, blankets, wool socks, snow boots. Don't know how long the heat was out but dodged a bullet. Tech came this morning and it took a hours to get the system back up to temp. It is cozy in here now.

Sitter kept KDog longer and I picked her up this afternoon.

Saylor called, I brought her up to speed.

Bought some additional space heaters today and some groceries, paid my property tax bill.

I am tired and still need to work on income tax stuff. Probably in the morning though, I feel spent. Just want to have tea, dinner, and watch a movie in my cozy house.

Today is the day of the nonprofit holiday party I had agreed to do music with AN at (via Zoom). I would have made time but certainly it would have been stressful. It was an easy decision to not join the zoom party. Seeing him would just make things more jagged and serve no purpose. Instead, I feel quite cheerful that I am warm, home, and getting organized bit by bit.
 
Oh wow, those were some days! Watching someone you love deteriorate is hard, but when they can't bring themselves to do the things that might help it's so much harder. At the same time it's so hard to give up your safety blanket when you're scared, even when you know what you're doing is counterproductive.

Glad you made it home in time before the pipes froze!
 
When I FINALLY made it in to a warm bath last night, it felt so good. When the tub didn't drain afterward, I just shrugged. Too tired to care. Not sure whether it was it was a frozen pipe from the water dripping during the cold, I just let it sit overnight. It didn't budge so I was in there with a plunger at 6 AM this morning. Happily that did the trick.

I have a sizable list of tasks for today designed to get me to and through the impending "weather doom" being predicted. Banking, winterizing etc. 12 degrees but no wind this morning, which is a relative cake walk. I took KDog for potty break this morning and she could not get up the stairs with her heavy coat on. So will probably encourage her to potty on the washable rug indoors for several days while it is sub zero out. I plan to take her for a nice long walk this afternoon when it warms up. The sitter doesn't walk her and she really needs it.

I am planning to surprise the cleaning lady by giving her a paid day off tomorrow. There isn't much to do since I have been away and I am sure she will feel grateful and seen.

It is time for me to get going, lots to do!
 
Another busy day. Definitely ready to knock off. Too tired to call KDog's sitter so it will have to be a priority for tomorrow.

I love having time to focus on my stuff and getting things done. I find it cheering actually that Proggy and I are not getting together until Christmas Day due to expected weather. That gives me Thu-Fri-Sat to catch up and be able to relax more fully.

Dad is doing better today, that you Universe. Doing a bit of walking on his own.

Today is Winter Solstice. Generally I have some New Year thoughts and sentiments, but I was so busy....maybe over the next few days.
 
Fiera said:
I am planning to surprise the cleaning lady by giving her a paid day off tomorrow. There isn't much to do since I have been away and I am sure she will feel grateful and seen.
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That's a lovely thing to do :)
Enjoy your few days on your own. Have you a good book? Reading is the perfect escape for me. I really go to another place when I read.
 
Cate said:
Enjoy your few days on your own. Have you a good book? Reading is the perfect escape for me. I really go to another place when I read.
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Oooh that sounds so lovely. I miss reading. My plate has just been so full, or I am so tired that I can't focus and comprehend. I have a guitar class starting up first week in Jan and the sample sheet music the teacher sent out seems alien to me at first blush. My goal is to sit down with it during time off and try to read (and execute) the samples as a brush-up to class starting. So that is my short term "reading" goal but it counts!

I also have testing coming up which will include reading comprehension and memory.

Have an appointment this morning to get a plastic sliver in my finger removed because it is getting in the way of about everything. It was in an awkward place on the side of the finger and despite best efforts I can't get it out and it is a big bump now. Not helpful for guitar or shoveling snow.

The snow and cold are moving in today around lunch time. I have an u/sappointment at 1:30 for fibroids so I hope the wx is not too shocking by the time I drive. Most business are announcing closures starting this afternoon and resuming Tues for an extended weather-induced holiday. It is a shame that so many people's very limited time off work coincides with terrible weather to keep them indoors.

I feel like there is a lot of "feels" swimming around in me which need to be processed. One of the themes is the unceremonious dumping of me by AN, and this sense that he is ungrateful and has forgotten just how many hours and days and months and years I spent listening to and supporting him through his mental health journey. Maybe though, that makes me part of the dark side. Gives me pause to devoting that much of my time and energy to other people though. It seems to have been the very nature of who I am (have been/was) for a very long time. I don't seem to desire it any more. But I have to fill that void in with a self, and not just any version of self, but an authentic, strong, caring, creative and calm version of myself. Is it better to be alone or is it better to have friends who engage with you primarily because you provide emotional support rather than companionship? It's time for me to have companions who are more able to go out and live life together. I have spent too long in this place, and I am only just seeing the outline of the map.
 
Fiera said:
One of the themes is the unceremonious dumping of me by AN, and this sense that he is ungrateful and has forgotten just how many hours and days and months and years I spent listening to and supporting him through his mental health journey.
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On the one hand I assume you didn't help him in order to make him endebted to you - or if you did it wasn't consciously and you didn't make him sign a contract that said so - but on the other hand I understand that it feels wrong when you treated him the way an excellent friend would and he doesn't treat you the same way now. And him feeling like he technically owes you may even be counterproductive for his ability to interact with you the way you deserve to be treated. But in the end it's a difficult question that doesn't have a simple answer and the only constructive thing you can do is try to make your peace with the fact that he isn't the friend you need right now.
 
It just feels empty and stupid. He doesn't owe me anything. Once upon a time it was just a normal, balanced, fun relationship. Then he increasingly slipped into poverty, struggle, and self-doubt. I finally *get* that this is really who he is - and was - most of his adult life. I just didn't see it because he was in a better place during the first year or so of our relationship. I had been thinking he would return to that person as his mental health returned. But that doesn't seem to be who he really is. I don't know who he is any more, he is becoming some evolutionary version of himself of course. I just can't believe that he just doesn't seem to *care* after all we have shared over the years.

I am in tears now, but I think it to some extent is release from the traumatic experience I had at the urgent care getting a plastic sliver taken out of my finger about an hour ago.

I agree with your comment that all I can do is make my peace with the fact that he isn't the friend I need right now. Thank you. I actively release him wheneve thoughts occur. Well mostly. Sometimes I feel angry and sometimes I check his (and his former gf's social). But mostly I just nod at the thoughts and feelings and move along.

I have to take a shower now without getting my finger wet. Maybe a rubber glove will help. Then off for the U/S and then the snowstorm will be here.
 
Well, I forgot that I was supposed to drink 32 oz of water an hour before the procedure to fill up my bladder. So I have to go back next week for the U/S.

I was so happy to get to a point where I have 2 days of no obligations and time for myself. Then Proggy gets an invite from his niece for Christmas Eve. Of course he wants me to go. I stood my ground and said unapologetically no, and pointed out the opportunity for him to bond with his nephew. But he doesn't want to go alone. He wants a buffer person and he also wants to be able to drink or smoke and take the edge off his anxiety. But I did not budge. I would not mind if I felt up to it, but I just need some down time. He has called me twice now. At the end of the 2nd call he says "Let me know if you change your mind." [!] Two of the women's club gals have also called/texted.

No no no. No! I didn't get much down time in FL. I need a flipping vacation and absent a vacation I need these 2 days to myself. I swear I want to just turn the phone off, but I know that Proggy needs me to be available. He is definitely having seasonal/nostalgia blues.

Guess I just needed to vent, and also celebrate my boundaries, which I hope I delivered compassionately enough.

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It had snowed pretty hard for a few hours but now it just seems like the wind is blowing powder around. It is 71 in the den. The winds outside are pretty stiff and yet I am sitting here comfortably with some amazement. The temp is 3 degrees out. Getting down to minus 10 overnight. Wind chills -30 to -50. The new windows in the attic along the other winterizing has made such a difference. Still need to set the faucets to drip so going to do that now. Getting a bit sleepy already.

ETA I checked out the boiler when I went to turn on the faucet in the basement and the boiler is not even working hard! It is not drafty at all. Finger crossed it isn't just a fluke of wind direction or something,
 
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Llama said:
How wonderful to be comfortable and not have to worry when winter is stalking your part of the world!
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It is! I woke up this morning with joy and satisfaction in my heart. I got sleep....very very good, deep, restorative sleep last night. No need to be on alert for other people, my dog, or my HOUSE. It got down to -10 plus winds and my boiler is working at a comfortable rate, not near the max. No space heaters needed. It is still 71 in the den, and probably around 68in the front part of the house/bedrooms (not 62). I feel so content. 2 years ago I was nearly in tears with my realtor saying that I could not spend another winter in this house. I was sure of it. It was so awful. Being able to sit here today in an imperfect but comfortable situation really feels so amazing. I know I keep going on about it, but that is how wonderful it feels.

Low battery, back later.
 
Monday. Celebrating the fact that we will see a relative warm up into the mid 20's today. It will make walking the dog(s) easier.

Dogs is plural because on Friday night the dog rescue President notifed that a new foster was needed ASAP for this boy which came in on the last transport. It felt right and I decided to take the plunge; it is a good chance to see how Kdog would handle a 2nd and also I don't travel for 2 months. Plus it's the holidays and what a great way to break up the winter doldrums without making a long term commitment.

I picked him up on Sat Christmas eve. I had a lot of dog proofing to do on my main floor living space, and it is not yet fully ready to just leave him alone without supervision. He is crated and night and wears a diaper band during the day as he came with a habit of marking and urinating in the house. With the servere cold our outside time has been limited cold and he is still #2 in the house. So this needs to get sorted as he is such a nice boy but will be difficult to place. We think it is behavioral rather than medical. But he is quite underweight which has me worried now about tapeworm. I have to make some phone calls tomorrow to see if he was dosed or tested.

He is big and pleasant and possibly not very bright. I call him the galloping galoofus but his real name is DDog.

He was in another foster for a month prior - the husband fell and broke a hip which is taking longer than most to heal. With 2 dogs of their own the poor wife just can't handle everything. Some other volunteers were coming by to walk him several times per week but it still was too much with the physical therapy etc. If I decided to keep him I would still give them first dibs I think, they apparently are quite fond of him.

Proggy came on Christmas day bearing a tray of seafood paella. I cooked cornish hens and cornbread and made a simple salad. It was all very good and there are lots of leftovers. We watched tv in the evening. Tomorrow I would like to work together on reading and playing some guitar tabs the teacher sent out, before class starts in a week. Spend a nice quality day together. It's nice that my trip gave me some space from him for 3 weeks. It feels healthy for me, and for our friendship.

I think I have taxes done but I need to sit down with it and get final estimate over to Tax Guy. Then have Financial Guy complete the Roth conversion.

I am not sleeping well in part because I am in the recliner while Proggy is sleeping on my couch. Also because I drank coffee in the evening. I think my room humidifier got broken in the rush to move things around make space in the den for the crate. I just replaced the filter to see whether that makes any difference. Otherwise I need to bring the large unit into the kitchen from the dining room so it is close to the den.
 
Ok that last post was middle of the night I am sitting here with a smile on my face during my morning matcha, in spite of the fact that the morning started with KDog doing both #1 and #2 in the house and then DDog doing #2 in the house after we got back from morning walk. We will fix it. I am getting DDog to potty more reliably on leash but once he sees a rabbit everything else goes out of his head. He will chase (but I have him on leash); he will yippy bark at them, he will freeze and stare). It was 11 degrees out so still cannot be out there for long periods of time. We go in and then bam, poopy, on my floor the minute my attention is turned. Stinker. But he is super adorable and his joyful energy is making my home a happier place. Add Proggy's company and the fact that the house is physically warm and it just feels like a happy home.

And to think a week ago I was dreading coming home from FL and lamenting the fact that I had not figured out a plan to get KDog and I to Arizona for a month or two. Now there is more than enough joyful energy and distraction to fill up the long dark hours and get me outside walking numerous times per day.

Thank you Uninverse for providing.
 
Another day in the life. A pretty decent one I guess. though not as productive as I wish I had been. I coordinated yesterday with the rescue President my concerns over DDog's weight. We suspect that he make have an intestinal worm. So today I spent time getting him weighed at my vet, researching the protocol, picking up the meds, advising the initial foster family. I find it frustrating that the rescue wants to dose him without a fecal test, but it is their call and I do understand that those tests cost money which adds up across time and dogs. The test are also not entirely reliable as there is a cyclicality to infestation and treatment cycles.

Message received from S this morning that she was on her way in to the airport and would be at her dad's in the hometown this evening. I simply don't have a lot of bandwidth right now but have queried how long she expects to be around.

I am rather enjoying the quiet time and the focus on DDog and KDog right now. Not so many "shoulds and musts" and a lot more of what makes my heart happy and at peace. I feel like I am ready to close the book on BG and AN for good. Almost a decade ago a new chapter of my life blossomed when they both entered my life within a space of a couple of months. They both grew to become my closest people for quite some time. I never would have imagined ending up not talking with either one of them. But I feel OK about it. I don't want to hang on to people who don't want to hang on to me.

I see the broken in all these people, and I realize that they only treat/approach me as they do other people. I made this mistake with Toolboy. I saw bg be passive aggressive and expecting people to treat her like a higher priority than was reasonable. I saw AN blaming everyone and everything else for his circumstances in life, and be ungrateful. I saw S swimming in victim mentality and harshly judgements, of people she claimed were her friends. What I have to take away is that *I am not special*. I think that my relationships with people are unique and stand on their own merits. But eventually people's biases and experiences come around to me.

This is not to say that I bear no responsibility for indeed I do...I make mistakes, I dont grasp things until it is too late, I could be a lot better at communicating proactively and openly. What is so helpful about the dogs is that I don't have to do any of that. I can just hug them and play and give treats and walks and it's just my heart and emotions. I don't have to analyze or overthink the way I do with people relationships. Its just the here and the now and love in pure form. They don't judge me, they just enjoy being with me.

I am not at all saying that I think dogs should replace people in my life. But I am realizing that they can fill the empty spaces with joy, for the time being.
 
Human relationships can be complicated and exhausting sometimes.
 
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