Fiera's Diary

Ambitious plans for a long walk after opthamologist were thwarted by much-needed rain showers. Picked up some items at the grocery store then came home. Now waiting for the massive Chewdog order to arrive for the next import. My butt is dragging and I have a little headache. I would like a cup of tea but I don't want to increase baseline anxiety.

Weight this morning rocketed up to 182.9. Hoping some of that is due to fluid but reality is I am not getting exercise and I am eating for comfort and entertainment while I spend so much time around the house not feeling energetic. It is a self reinforcing cycle. Well, the 480 pounds worth of pet food I need to schlep when it arrives will take strength I will have to dig deep to muster. If it wasn't for the rain, I might let it sit outdoors until the handyman gets back from his day job. Dreading.

I woke up at 4 today and even though I did go back to sleep, I think that is playing in to not feeling great.

Good news from the opthamologist is that my corneas are clear. No need to return for another year unless problems arise. My eyes are still pretty dry and things like lid scrubs and warm compresses will help if I invest the time. Like CB said, it's not that I don't have the time, It's that I Iack motivation. I don't want to get back on the merry go round of meds though.

Today there was a notice that tickets are going on sale to a band AN likes. I clicked through with an idea to buy a pair and anonymously mail to him. But they are not on sale yet and I do not know the price. It was just an idea, and may pass. I was thinking this morning about how I once felt so safe with him, like a familiar comforting old blanket. His thoughts and views on me changed and I became a subject of his anger. Some of it perhaps warranted, but I only spoke my truth, or at least tried to.

I sure as heck am not open to letting anyone new into my life until I lose about 30 pounds, at least. Which is kind of stupid. I have walled myself in with fat.
 
Gave in and had 1/2 cup of coffee which helped immensely when I checked the front again and saw boxes out there. In the rain. Heh. Sometimes it is easier when you just have to get it done now and there is no room for negotiating with yourself. All in the basement now, will open later or tomorrow after the outer boxes dry out.

My Man Godfrey is on, such a fun whimsical comedy. Dogs' dinner is "cooking" and I have fish tacos planned along with salad for myself. Later I must cook the clearance beef I bought (probably on the grill). Unfortunately I haven't figured out a patio situation yet so grilling involves walking through soaked dirt. Whoops.

Anyway, the coffee seems to be helping me past the doldrums, Or what is it they call the portion of the sea where there is no wind/movement? I think there is a second term for it. Will go look.

ETA: "dead calm" or also Sargasso Sea is cited

"dead calm" doesn't really seem to describe me lol.
 
AN deactivated his social again today. I know this is always a sign he is in a bad place. Its nothing I can do anything about. I checked his social because the Cranberries song "Linger" was playing in my mind. The lyrics are not 100% but it still evokes feelings. I couldn't do anything about L either. It sucks when you really care about someone and you have to keep walls up to protect yourself. It sucks. I went to a few meetings for support groups of people who are dealing with a loved one who is an addict, when I was realizing the extent of W's problems. I seem to pick them, Perfectly interesting and wonderful and loving people who are not capable of functioning as adults. I guess that is what I have always appreciated about Proggy. There may be things I don't get out of our companionship, but at least he is solid and dependable.
 
Darn it. NDog has a scrape up his leg. I am not sure when it happened. I feel like I noticed him licking that leg this afternoon but the scrape is on the backside not the outer part and I didn't notice anything then. It could be from yesterday, the tree guys moved this old huge chunk of volcanic rock which was more directly behind the house. Now it's kind of on the corner and NDog chased a critter yesterday and seemed to bang into it a bit. Anyway, most of it looks surface but there is an area which looks deeper. I cleaned and put neosporin and coverings and will inspect it further in the morning and confirm there is no sign of infection. It doesn't look like it, It's just...I have someone sitting him this weekend as a favor and I don't want to add the imposition of wound management / possible cone of shame on top of the sit. But it can't be helped. It should be OK as long as he doesn't keep licking it.
 
Proggy is working on a project and asked me to renew my ancestry account. I got drawn in and went digging and found another clue to my mom (and her mom's) story. Census shows Grandma remarried and living in H in 1950. Her 2nd husband was a farm and tractor guy. Mom was 6. Her first husband, there is no divorce record in the county where they married, but he remarried in 1954 and met an early demise. The death certificate matches the nature of death I was told through oral history. Also the connection with H is affirmed. I would like to know how Grandma got from the city to the country, if she was with him at the time or if that is where she went on her own. Maybe there was a friend or family there she went to stay with. The kids were in foster for a period, my mom said it was the only happy period of her childhood; there was some talk of the family adopting them, but Grandma remarried and got the kids back. I might have some luck at the county courthouse out there finding out more info. My aunt has shared all she knows. And this is why you shouldn't wait to get curious about your family history. When folks are dead and gone, you miss out on a lot of interesting details about where you came from.
 
It must be the time for family roots research: several of my (extended) family members are working on it as well.
 
I find it engrossing. But I do seem to enjoying the process of hunting for clues as much as the satisfaction and fulfillment of having the answers. I always have. As a little girl we went to a shipwreck museum and then I spent the entire vacation on the beach looking for washed up dubloons. I think its the same quality which drives me to spend so much time looking thru the upturned dirt in the yard for glass bits and rocks which might harm the dogs, or searching far longer than the average person for a piece of info on the internet. Or four leaf clovers. My mind likes to look for clues and solve puzzles. It had occurred to me in the past I might make a good genaological researcher. I wonder what role DNA will play now going forward...how truths will unfurl which don't fit the documents...are you still eligible for ancestral citizenship if you are biologically not the child of the father listed on your birth cert? All kinds of crazy stuff. Not to mention it seems to get easier and easier for people to change names - and genders - now...it is an interesting and confusing time and perhaps I would not like having to deal with all that noise in the data.

Smiling talking about data. I loved regression analysis in grad school. I suppose AI will take the fun out of that too. There is a certain trial and error and art involved in finding the equation which best fits the data. Now they will just have a giant computer run through a gazillion scenarios without any human intervention. The art of it will be lost to history. That's actually kind of sad.

And the same thing will happen with music, and with art. AI will study all the music and art and poetry and eventually spit things out which are complex and beautiful and ultimately completely devoid of actual human experience. I for one won't go near it voluntarily. And I do hope that people realize what is at stake and also reject it. We already see so much falsified photography and video...video games have been doing it for years. It's just scaling up now in a breathtaking way.

And with that, it is time to pull out of my deep dive and go take the trash out. NDog's wound looks pretty good, I don't feel worried about it, but it will heal faster if I can keep it wrapped for the next day or two.
 
Slow motion day. I cooked some while I watched the rest of the movie Tar, which was excellent. Trying to look about and not waste food. Brunch was eggs and a bpit of the steak I grilled (from clearance shelf yesterday). Dinner will be the remainder of the fish tacos with avocado and salad.

Once it got nicer out I took the dogs for little walk. I feel tired again today and flat. Then I ended up feeling angry at nothing and everything. Nice. I got frustrated that the ticket presale is supposed to be on, but the show I am curious about is still not accessible. Either it is delayed or the Universe is sending a technical glitch to save me from a mistake. Onward.

I also need to give NDog a bath tomorrow before the sitter, he is a bit ripe. His scrape is looking pretty good, scabbed where it needed to be, not infected.

I am also super frustrated right now with Pixy and the folks initiating the next transport. Delays on setting the date and dogs and then it will be a made scramble to recruit volunteers.

Lordy I need a vacation for a few days. By myself. No dogs. No Proggy.

Find your own happiness Fiera. It is a state of mind and you will do nothing but regret all the time you burned being in a foul mood when you could have been finding joy.
 
Yesterday, I had an uncharacteristic long nap from about 5 to 7. I had taken an uncharacteristic full x in the afternoon, then had a big dinner which included fish tacos and the pan pizza. I passed out hard with the tv on.

I don't really care for TV in general so it's just sort of stuck on an old movie channel which sometimes offers great Noir films. Yesterday it was showing old westerns. I don't really care for those and in today's word it seems like some kind of fantasy genre.

Perhaps I will read for a bit this morning. It feels too early to start chores, and my spirit seems a bit calmer yet on the verge of being irritated easily. I am not sure what was up yesterday. Maybe it was all about sleep quality (or lack thereof). Plus the annoyance of Pixy still not having completed selecting the dogs for the next transport.

I thought of AN this morning as I came across a couple of old posts. One had to do with my retirement, Special thanks went to four people who supported me/understood the significance most particularly. AN and BG, both deliberately gone. IK dead. Coach BB faded away. Then I came across the fundraiser AN did for his film. The 10 year anniversary will be in October. I know he will never square himself with failing to produce something; my hope is that his footage gets used by another person who picked up working on a documentary, that will suffice to absolve his guilt and get his name on the screen.

Well, the path to flourishing starts with self care, and I am, no doubt about it, in need of some personal attention.

Yesterday I received a red light camera ticket in the mail, for a town near Proggy. I haven't watched the video yet but the fine is for $100. Unreal.

I guess I'll put away the electronics and pay attention to the birds. They are quite active in the mostly cloudy morning. We got more rain overnight.
 
It took me a long time to settle down today, but at last I finally read the introduction to Daring Greatly. It contains a list of 10 guideposts for Wholehearted Living which really resimages, from an earlier book Brene Brown published.

Funny then, that I was moved to go on social and look up a few men who are no longer in my life...from Ago. Cosmic Meltown Guy. The Protector. W. The first two I am grateful that is not my life. W...I am glad to see him doing so well, and engaged to his age appropriate girlfriend with a house his family bought for them to move into. I like her from her photos, I think he is finally getting settled. Knowing that that we always were too far apart in age, it feels peaceful enough, even though he will always be in my heart. I don't really think of those earlier men any more, and even Toolboy is a full decade ago now. And Pitch. It seems like it takes a full decade for them to truly fade into the background and no longer conjure up pain, longing, etc. Jason is getting there. AN will no doubt eventually. Even my career and all that happened will eventually fade. Am I getting to the point where I am ready to open up emotionally to the idea of dating again? Will see where this journey leads...
 
CB this morning. Getting ready to head to my Dad's later but feel it is important to spend a bit of time here. We talked about shame and started picking at the edges of shame balled up around my job/career. I provided some details. I could write a novel about it I suppose. She notes that it seems to her that I have access to my emotions when we meet but I describe feeling flat and not having access and not having music/feeling any more most of the time. I tapped the side of my head and said I am living "up here". Maybe because in order to function in daily life one has to compartmentalize? Or maybe this is what emotional sobriety feels like? Nondescript, flat, boring, unable to feel true resonance of the heart and body? I cannot, do not, accept it for myself. It's true though, that I don't turn the music on and I don't desire to date and I don't want to be consumed by torment. I like the idea of the shame work though, of not just feeling shame, but looking hard enough at it to give it a name. It's like the emotions exercise, where I am feeling "something" percolating but I sometimes benefit from a list of words describing emotions to help me pinpoint it, Prompts. I will see where it leads. So many layers in the onion, I do see how in the case of AN by the time you peel it all back, you aren't certain about ANYTHING being real any more. I can't afford to go there, to get so lost in the journey that there is nothing recognizable, nothing and no you can grab on to in a hurricane. "Question. Everything." I can still hear his intense and haunting hiss through clenched teeth. If one must abandon everything and rebuild just to see what is true and what is real, it's a lonely place. Reminds me of Jack Kerouac in Big Sur. Which now takes double meaning given things AN has said as well as our visit there together. It really is a book written from a place of borderline insanity.

*****
NDog got a bath before he heads to the sitters. I did dishes and now laundry and in about an hour I will jump in the shower. I am not overthinking or stressing about the party, It's like I am willfully seeking to forget something I will regret later. But I just have a block around it..around a lot of things. Ever since Peaches decided to turn it into a reunion for her family rather than make it a day for my dad, I have disengaged.

********

I need to go see my friend in Ireland. If I make that some time for myself in addition to visiting her I will get more out of it.
 
Ok, no more coffee today.

I finally dealt with the carpet pad in the front. Turns out it was not a good move to pretend that it was ok. There was dog urine in it that had soaked to the wood floor. It is what it is. A permanent reminder of being in a not good place and not dealing with things because I was tired. Rather, a symbol of what can happen when one is not fully present, living in self care. A trophy of my imperfection, which I now embrace. Hopefully I can eliminate any residual odor and it will soon be covered with a replacement rug. It's not like I lost a limb or something.

Anyway, I *am* tired again in this moment. Sleep hygiene, Fiera.

What do I look forward to this weekend? Seeing dad and familiar faces, yes. Some time with EF and her hubby. Leaving behind the cares of the house and the unfinished paperwork. Appreciating the companionship of Proggy.

What is weighing me down? Well, my weight for one thing, Smoking, another. Feeling disorganized, a third.

I reread that last bit around making the trip to Ireland a trip for myself. I haven't thought of it that way, as the concerns around leaving KDog for any length of time have put parameters around the trip; plus my concern about driving there without contacts/peripheral vision, But I need it now, I need solace and space and soul-bearing fresh air. I need to feel motion. I need to feel open. I need to let rip loose whatever is still inside, whether relationships or shame or self flagellation. It has been too long since the soul rose up and connected with the Universe in a thundering yawp. No doubt, I appreciate stability more now than ever, but there is a difference between stability and sameness, When we stop growing, evolving, exploring and experiencing, we die. I am 54. May the Universe help me if I am already ready to die. I have to believe there is something remaining which is different, unique, and powerful yet to be found. A love that is greater and different. Scenery and places which inspire. Creative work yet to be unleashed. None of those things will come to fruition if I stay on this couch every day and just survive. There is more, there has to be more. More feeling, less thinking. LESS THINKING.

Deep breaths, and time to go get in the shower.

Dear Universe, please help me to enjoy this weekend, this journey, these people. Help me love them, help me appreciate them, help me respect, honor and cherish them. Because without people, we are nothing.
 
Back from the weekend at Dad's. The party was a success. It was kind of like 2/3 her family and 1/3 my Dad's people. But all went well. Proggy pitched in and Granddaughter A did as well. So kind of a team effort. It was a blur and I was pretty tired but after we got to EF's we had a couple of beers, went for a boat cruise, and had some fun. Need to catch up on sleep/rest now, back from picking up NDog and fed the dogs. I fed Proggy earlier and he went home. So the dogs are sleeping, and I am putting on a movie...probably and evening of movies. It feels good to get the party behind us. I would say it was probably good for Peaches and my relationship rather than not. Proggy too. Importantly, my Dad got off the couch and socialized for 3 hours with everyone out in the garage. He got his Italian beef and chocolate cake and his friends turned out,

My brother reported that his dog is terminal, which is really sad. He is pretty alone in this life and his dog I think gives him purpose and structure (as KDog does for me). It sounds like it won't be very long.
 
It sounds like the weekend was a success & good to hear that your Dad socialised. Sad about your brother's dog.
 
Monday. Not the preferred sleep quality as I was awake late and woke up a couple of times. But at least NDog let me sleep til I was ready to get up.

NDog was a bit pouty (or something) last night. Maybe he misses the other house/people/hounds. Today he is better, We took a walk this morning with KDog. Later I brought a squeaky toy in the yard and he was happy to play with that a bit...he may even have an aptitude for fetch but his recall is so bad unless I bribe him with cookies.

Ate tons of leftovers yesterday. Being better today. Finally confirmed the date of the next transport so I got an email out to the volunteers and started collecting replies. Really so glad I didn't have that going on over the weekend.

Also voted on the sculpture installation choice for the park and commented on a proposal for some renovations I don't fully agree with and the reasons. Also started researching ordinances around the placement of two dumpsters that a nearby nonprofit has moved near the sidewalk, within easy view from my front windows. I dislike feeling trapped and surrounded in my home by that sort of unpleasant visual disturbance, and certainly feel unsettled and sad about it....it is ever a battle. The same non profit installed a digital message sign years back without researching whether they were allowed to do so, and the municipality made them unplug it. Hoping to have the civic association ask them nicely to think about the impact to the neighborhood, but it will help to do a little research first.

Proggy agreed to read Daring Greatly too, so this will be an interesting exploration for both of us individually as well as in our friendship.

Just now there was a sickening article posted about a rescue in OH for which the founder was a secret hoarder. No one in the organization apparently knew or suspected anything. She had a medical emergency and the authorities arrived at her home and found 146 deceased dogs. I am so heartbroken and sickened by this heinous betrayal, and I cannot imagine what the volunteers are going thru. It's beyond awful. Every life is precious, and the preventable suffering I cannot get out of my mind right now. I know there is a lot of suffering in the world on a daily basis and in my little Pollyanna world I don't really experience it directly and usually don't connect to it this deeply.
 
Well it's official. I have been called a Karen. Stuff has been getting under my skin today and I put something on social which was not well received. I guess the people who live around here today are not cut from the same cloth as those when I moved in, and my needs and values are different, I'm the old fart. That being said I do not get why adult softball has evolved into a nonstop music blaring background where no one can hear the ball coming off the bat or smacking the glove, no infield chatter, no hey-batter-batter can be heard. When did this become the norm? And how sad that the experience has been bastardized. I need to go watch some little league where they don't do that
 
Well, the way I got out of the cycle last night over the social post was to remind myself that if it won't matter in 5 years, don't give it more than 5 minutes. The post was removed by a moderator this morning and is stardust now.

Will walk the dogs in a few, before it gets hotter out. The weather has been dry and it also would be a good idea to put the sprinkler on. No rain expected for several more days.

I have no real insight on the nature of my current discontent and malaise. It may be my inability to solve the challenges involved with KDog and NDog and contacts in order to plan and execute some travel. I also still have lots of work to do around the house, and time to do it...decluttering, executing projects for which I have components on hand. Even taking a shower or unloading the dishwasher seems a tall order. Maybe it's (ta-da) my gut-brain biome and inflammation. I have no salad greens in the house but I did find some spinach and broccoli in the freezer yesterday which are thawed and ready to eat.

Well, just typing that inspired me to get up, start picking up the den, and put on clean clothes. Cleaning Lady comes Thursday in 2 days. I have a partially unpacked bag from my weekend at Dad's plus laundry to put away, and a stack of papers and assorted items on the coffee table which I have committed to go thru and either file or discard. Today I will focus on the den and the kitchen which includes catching up on insurance and tax paperwork as well as finishing reading thru a couple of things like class action notifications to see if they are worth the effort to apply. I texted KDogs usual sitter to ask how she is doing. If she is OK and expresses interest in watching KDog then I will open up an exploration for the weekend Proggy and I want to go out of town and also potentially for a longer overseas trip. Carpe Diem Fiera. If Usual sitter cannot do it then I start looking about. My Dad and Peaches could be a backup option now as well, since KDog is increasingly familiar with their house and dog and everyone is comfortable that she won't do much except sleep. It would be a huge ask though, for an entire overseas trip, and not a lot of resources around should she find herself in a bind. Maybe GP, in a pinch. I worry about anyone with carpeting tho. KDog is continent but she does not want to get up and walk up and down the stairs. In a house with only 1 or 2 stairs I think she would be OK. She just needs quiet and easy, like an older couple with older dogs. We will see what unfolds but at least I got the ball rolling. The inertia around the trip has more to do with KDog I think than anything else. It's hard to plan when you don't know if you will have a dog travelling with you, and the dog-friendly bookings are so much more limited.
 
Good walk with the pups. Saw a worker at the non profit and was able to clarify they are working on lot repairs and view of the dumpster is temporary. That made me rest easy as I could take that off my plate. I seem to be in fight mode. Awareness is the first step. And lead with communication.

It has been a while since I did anything behaviorally/rash which I had dissatisfaction with in retrospect. Either I am paying more attention or my hormones in menopause are staying more even keeled.

The guy at the park is slowly providing more details and being more transparent about the conceptual use of a new sport surface funding is being sought for. He waves words around in circles about there being no specific plan and being in a conceptual phase. Why then are they asking the municipality for funding? I think they have been trying to fly under the radar to advance a pickleball court or other agenda in isolation and secrecy, whereas this really concerns the entirety of the neighborhood and not just a small group of insiders. Currently it is open rarely used space which maintains the historical natural feel of the park. I could be open to hearing the proposal but when people are secretive and sort of jerks there is usually something they are hiding. I am now gently prodding for details around fencing or potential fencing, which cleverly they fail to mention in the current funding request.

Just had lunch and took care of all the dishes. Gave KDog a nice brushing on the side she was laying on yesterday, and massage for her back and right hind leg which was very tight. There is something in there which feels like it doesn't belong, like mass material, I'll have it examined next appointment. She is turning so white so quickly and her coat/fur is suddenly dry...she is aging on me overnight.

Well, I will wrap this short break and get going on the paperwork.
 
Last edited:
The temperatures cooled off and a pleasant breeze picked up so the house is open again. Sitting in the quiet and dark for the moment, with only a silent, static image on the tv. I can hear the birds, planes, KDog sighing. I can feel the breeze. It feels a bit more peaceful. The air feels gently calming and fresh. AC really does make me cross.

Dinner was mushroom ravioli, Ital chicken sausage, and the scavenger veg from the freezer. I put away the leftovers immediately, hoping that may avoid having "2nd dinner" in the evening hours.

I didn't end up getting to the paperwork but I did put some other things in order. So the kitchen and den are looking better and I won't have much to do to get ready for Cleaning Lady on Thursday. I think I looked for a replacement purse for an hour with no luck. That was triggered by the former one sitting here waiting to go to the repair shop and I figured it was just worth it to get a new one. But I could not find anything and so it goes to the garage for when I head over near the shoe repair shop.

I napped this afternoon, Hard. I guess I needed it. I have been eating late and therefore staying awake late trying to watch old movies and listlessly surfing the net. This after a couple of bad sleep nights at my Dad's in a very stuffy warm room. Tonight is perfect sleeping weather so I am looking forward to it.

Not much else really, but that is good. I am loving the moment and the peace. Thankful for a light schedule this week.

.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top