Fear of Thin...

My biggest fear...

Is people won't see me as unthreatening.

It sounds stupid but I love to make people laugh. I have found though (being fat is a great way to observe human nature without being noticed!) that thinner/normal people are threatening to some when they are trying to make people laugh and can get cut down because of it. At parties I can chat to anyone - guys and girls - and because I am overweight I am seen as unthreatening. It never occurs to girls that I may be hitting on them (I'm not, I'm in a very happy long-term relationship) and guys don't think that I'm a threat to their picking anyone up. I can flit around, be myself and not worry about how I'm being perceived (other than being the 'fat guy'). I'm worried that that will change. I know it won't with my friends, but I'm worried that meeting new people will be more difficult.

Second biggest fear has already been mentioned. I lose all the weight and I'm just plain ugly. There's no getting around it then!
 
I saw a really good blog post that put this really well. It's "grieving for your former fat self". You don't want to let go of that person. That person got to eat whole pizzas without guilt! It's really hard to let go of how you see yourself, and it's a struggle to move on from that. I definitely think that's one of the reasons I sabotage myself.
 
1000Monkeys said:
Second biggest fear has already been mentioned. I lose all the weight and I'm just plain ugly. There's no getting around it then!
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I've accepted that I will always be ugly -however - butter face is still a possiblity - you could always work on being a butthis face... :D Paper bags exist for a reason :D
 
It is good to know i am not the only one who doesn't think they are pretty. My husband always tells me I am beautiful, but I just don't see how. However, recently I was hanging out with my brothers and they all have HUGE noses. So I am learning to be grateful that I did not get that nose!!!!!
 
This is an awesome thread. I've started the exercise, but I'm going to go sit alone so I can think this through. I'm also going to do as another poster suggested and immediately write a positive to combat the negative. I want to get past this once and for all.

I too have lost the weight, not all of it, but enough to get noticed and then immediately sabotage myself. Like I can't take a compliment. I've got to figure this out, it's been bothering me for a long time.

This idea is perfect for trying to do that. Thanks.

I'll come back and let you know what I've found out.
 
I relate so much to what everyone's saying here. I am TERRIFIED of losing the weight, for a few reasons. Most of all, I feel scared of men. When I'm bigger I feel sooo much safer out and about in the world. When I've been thin, I feel like I'm being assaulted almost constantly, and I feel afraid to leave the house. I need some assertiveness training to go along with weight loss so I know how to handle uncomfortable situations better.
 
maleficent said:
I've accepted that I will always be ugly -however - butter face is still a possiblity - you could always work on being a butthis face... :D Paper bags exist for a reason :D
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Ha, ha, ha! I was a healthy weight once (when I was 19) so I know from experience that I don't have a pretty face! Big nose, poorly defined jaw, small chin. I can't say, however, that I'm not interested to see if I've grown into my face in the last eight years. I grew a beard as I started to put the weight on and I haven't seen my whole face the entire time! To be honest I have no idea what I look like now, but knowing the raw materials I started out with it can't be good!!!
 
I have been thinking about this all morning. I just can not come up with an answer to the end of the sentence. "I am afraid to lose weight because....????

I DO know that anything that has to do with losing weight makes me incredibly emotional. Sometimes I feel so excited and motivated, sometimes it is purely nervousness that I feel, and sometimes it is such sadness that I could sit there and cry.

I've got to say that I really don't know what is causing these emotions. I wonder how I could get to the root of the matter without having to pay for a psychiatrist. ??

I DO know that I CAN be successful. (I had lost 60 pounds at one point) However, I also know that when I retreat from weight loss, it feels so comfortable to crawl back into my old lazy, "fat-lady" habits. It kinda feels like crawling back into a nice warm bed after a long, cold day. (Cheesy, I know, but that is exactly the mental image I get when thinking on it)

I will keep working on this one because obviously there is something there.
 
I've got to say that I really don't know what is causing these emotions. I wonder how I could get to the root of the matter without having to pay for a psychiatrist. ??
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sometimes - what helps get you toward the answer... is taking a back road and asking yourself why you want to lose weight.... and if you say it's because you want to be healthy -I'll probably roll my eyes and giggle at you becaue you know deep down that's not why... Once you geto to the why's you want to... the whys you don't want t o become a lot more clear...

Free association sometimes helps... spend some time in a bubble bath and talk to yourself....
 
I think this is one of the most thought provoking awesome threads I've seen so far. I started to do the exercise last night before work though and had to stop. I got some pretty good answers...not sure I'm ready to post all of them yet...or think about them too much yet but I will. I guess since joining this forum I've done some soul searching and had to face some cold hard truths already.

I will say that I definitely know I use my weight as a defensive barrier. I don't really want to say that it's my way of being a cop out...but I guess it is. I can live my life on the outer edges and be left alone...and I certainly don't think as a heavy person I'm held accountable socially by the same rules. I use it, although unsuccessfully, to keep people from getting too close. I do know that I try to keep walls up other ways as well because I'm just so tired of being hurt by people. And yet ultimately I'm hurting myself just as much as anyone else by this destructiveness. Maybe the skinny people with anger management issues that just go around punching people have the better idea, lol.

Well I think I'll let this sit for now...it's well worth coming back and thinking over again in the near future. Like I said...I'm just not ready to dig it all up right now.
 
I am amazed (and grateful) at how much this one little thread has caused me to internalize and really dig into the issues behind weight loss. This one is going to stick with me for some time.
 
This discussion has been awesome. I did sit down and write out my 25 reasons. What keeps coming to the top is fear of failure and that I may just not be good enough. I grew up with a perfectionist mom. You know the type, they tell you to make your bed, you do, then after you leave, they re-make it because it wasn't done "right". That really sticks with a person. The interesting thing, is she is heavy and has many health issues related to to her weight.

Part of me wants to lose the weight, so "I don't go there". However, I think I struggle because I feel as though, even when I get the weight off, it won't be good enough. So I'm trying to deal with that issue first.

I do believe that is where the fear of failure part comes in as well. If I don't lose, I can't fail, I can't be thought of as not being good enough. Huge destructive circle.

I will continue to plug along. I know for a fact, that while I'm trying, I'm not gaining and that is good.
 
Wow, we all seem to have been provoked to insight.

I thought about my reason all day and finally I discussed it with my husband late last night. I think he has got me pegged. He said that he thinks I am afraid that I will not reach my goal. Here is the thing: I have set a goal of 150 pounds for my 5' 9''. The problem is that if I look healthy at 155 or 160 it will still not be good enough for me. I will never be satisfied with that and if I do not get there I will never be truly satisfied. I will be just as obsessed with weightloss at 160 pounds as I am at 200 as I was at 260. I guess somewhere inside me I can justify that if I am going to be just as unsatisfied at goal as I am now then I might as well stay here and not put in all the hard work.

Hmmmmm...I have some more thinking on it to do, but I am pretty sure I am on the right track now...thanks to dh.


By the way, I am really enjoying reading what the rest of you have to say about your ponderings. Thanks for sharing!
 
this is sort of true.
when i was younger i gained weight not just because i didn't care or whatever but because i didn't like the attention i got from guys that were just creepy(NO CUTE ONES AT ALL!) so i just kept eating more and continued to make unhealthy decisions.
your self-esteem may be very low and you might actually feel undeserving of weight loss <--that's another true one too.
 
You may fear your sexual energy.

I fear that one day I will actually have my body against another body, im afraid of what they'll think/feel about it.

You may have been raped and fat protects you from men.

I never been raped, thank god, but I think that I sub-con try to avoid men through my weight.

Your self-esteem may be very low and you might actually feel undeserving of weight loss.

OMG YES! the reason of all my depression.

Your fat may be a way of resisting the growing-up process (baby fat) because adulthood seems frightening.

So truee.......I sometimes catch myself thinking how much I miss my childhood.

You may believe that losing weight might require you to make other scary or painful choices and changes (divorce, change jobs, lose friends).

I'm scared that friends/family will treat me differently because of my weight loss...like perhaps they'll treat me better, and if they do Ill feel the only reason I'm having people treat me well is because of the way I look rather than who I am.

Weight loss may require you to accept more challenges or responsibilities and staying fat then becomes a form of safety.
I fear I'll regain it, and so there isnt a point in losing it, because I wont be able to take the challenge of constant exercise.

You may fear being seen and therefore judged.

More than I can explain.

:willy_nilly:
 
I feel the same way about regaining it. I fear doing all of this work, and then I'll finally find a man.. and then we'll be happy.. have children..and BAMM... back to square one and all that work wasted...ugh
 
My one true fear of being thin, is of being raped...

a rape took place a few blocks away from my new appt that I have with my man and I had this fear when I was about fifteen. Oprah did a show about college campuses and rape... and all the girls watched it. It made me so afraid. I always carry my keys with the points sticking out between my knuckles. I am always looking behind me and around me, locating every car and every male in radius to me. This has followed me since I was about fifteen. I won't go out at night. My sister was almost raped on campus. It was rather frightening. And so there is my fear and it does make myself do myself in, by not losing weight I think. I think I intentionally don't lose weight, even though I so desire to be trully what I want to look like and feel like, it just scares me so... hmm

love yas
natalie jo
 
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