Fear of Thin...

If I had a nickel for every time I had accidentally given offense, I'd be rich. I mean it. Especially if I managed to get a nickel for each person that was offended each time...
Whoa... that's a lot of money.

Well, to get back to the article, does anyone else find themselves looking for "quiet" ways to cheat on their food plan? The kind of thing with "plausible deniability" in it? "How do I KNOW it's bad for me? I don't... but... well, I'll just have a little bit." That kind of thing...

Also, has anyone lost friends because of their weight loss? I made a decision a couple of years ago, I decided to work on my social skills and present myself to the world the way I WANT to do it, instead of just hoping everyone sees who I am instead of just the "jolly fat guy". It has cost me a lot of acquaintances, and a few long-term friends.
I am even resistant to showing people this forum; I don't like the thought of my friends or family reading my posts here. Does that sound like more fear of success?

What about you?
 
I don't quietly cheat, but I do allow myself to have the odd thing once in a while, even though I know it's not that good for me. I've stopped thinking of it as cheating though, because that puts me in a negative frame of mind.

As to the friends, no, I haven't lost any. But I feel bad because a few friends who saw what I was doing and wanted to join me aren't really losing. And I don't want to be the 'tough love' sort, so I don't say anything to them unless they ask. Obviously, if they're not ready for the serious dedication, then nothing I say will have an impact, right? It's frustrating for me, but it hasn't come between us yet.
 
25 reasons cont

My answers were more like twisted contradictions:

I want to stay fat no I dont

I'm afraid to be thin no I'm not.

There was a hidden/obvious message in repeating "I want to stay fat...I want to stay fat..."

How about "I want to stay fat so I'll never be thin". This one made me realize that I'll always be fat unless I do something about it.

I feel for the folks who are feeling so poorly. I wish you transcendence.
 
dariqueen said:
I don't want to be the 'tough love' sort, so I don't say anything to them unless they ask. Obviously, if they're not ready for the serious dedication, then nothing I say will have an impact, right? It's frustrating for me, but it hasn't come between us yet.
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DQ I know this feeling. I've been on both sides of it. When it's me knowing a friend is overweight I'm afraid to say anything to them and jeopardise our friendship, such as "Are you into any sports?" But a while ago, I was talking to a friend who had lost weight and was super-fit and had an excellent trainer. In fact, he was the reason I think she could achieve such fitness and focus. Yet when I asked for his details, she did not give them to me, saying, diplomatically, that I basically wasn't committed enough and would be wasting his time. I felt hurt. One, because I was actually asking for something that could help me to lose weight and being denied it. Two, because this person didn't know me. All she knew of me was the fattish me that she had gotten to know, and this was because I happened to be going through a major life change at the time that put my fitness and health in the back seat for a while. I understood her reasons for what she did and I understand that people don't want to bring up weight topics in general around someone who is clearly overweight... but some days I just wish someone would say to me, "Hey, let's go for a walk in the mornings together." I think sometimes I could lose weight so much easier if I just had more company in the same boat as me.:)
 
Your self-esteem may be very low and you might actually feel undeserving of weight loss.
Your fat may be a way of resisting the growing-up process (baby fat) because adulthood seems frightening.
You may believe that losing weight might require you to make other scary or painful choices and changes (divorce, change jobs, lose friends).
Weight loss may require you to accept more challenges or responsibilities and staying fat then becomes a form of safety.
You may fear being seen and therefore judged.
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Man I would agree with all of these. I don't know why this isn't stuck or something, because I haven't seen it before. I think that if I take away the weight agony, I would be terrified. Generally my weight is the only thing I would change about my life.
 
one bit rings true for me, with regards to wanting to stay fat. i dont mind being fat becuase i dnt constantly have to deal with creepy men chatting me up. i dont like people chattin me up im just not that type of person. ive never met a person and got with them sraigt away. all my exes i met randomly, through freinds, or whatever, and was a freind with them until we both went oh wait, lets go furthur. so i guess when i do lose weight ill have to deal with it. or perfect the "piss off ill kick your balls if you talk to me" look.
 
Suddenly thin...?

Here's a bit from one of my experiences. When I was a Freshman in college I ballooned up to my (then) heaviest weight of 245 lbs. I was having a difficult time with my girlfriend (she wanted out) and she decided that she would spend the summer away as a camp counsellor. So I went to live with my Sister and Brother-in-law, far away from home, helping them to fix up an old house they had purchased.

They let me stay for some of my labor and I got a job for some cash. My Sis and BIL are very trim and healthy, runners, cross-country skiers, health food folk. They convinced me to try to take the summer as an opportunity to get healthy and lose weight. So I did. With their help and support I lost a lot of weight. They were very proud of me. When I got back to College I weighed 184. Everybody was dazzled by the change, it was like a sudden change to them because at the end of may I was my fat, jovial self, then the next time they saw me (late August) I was at my ideal weight.

After everybodies initial positive reactions there was a weird time when nobody seemed comfortable around me. Here's what some of the comments were when I got home.

Mother and Sisters: "You look too thin, like you've been sick"

My Fat, Dweeb Male Friends: "You don't look like you anymore, I don't know how to relate to you."

My Hot Women Friends: "We can't study/lunch/shoot-the-breeze together anymore, because my boyfriend doesn't believe something isn't going on between us...when you were fat he trusted me." (That one hurt).

My Thin, Handsome Best Friend: "You've changed, it used to be like you were my sidekick, my Costello, my Sancho Panza, my fat friend that by comparison made me look good...now you are competition."

The worst, as it turned out was my girlfriend who was suddenly very into me. That was the most hurtful because it belied how little she cared for me, apart from appearences. Of course I only see THAT in retrospect. (I married and later divorced her.)

But everybody treated me differently, cashiers flirted with me, my friends didn't know how to take me any more. Of course I got lots of attention, but a whole new set of problems. I'd be fibbing if I said that's why I quickly gained even more weight back. That had more to do with being out of the supportive environment than anything, but I've never forgotten how the experience of suddenly being thin was very different from how I had imagined it to be.

So I sort of understand how women must feel, using fat as a shield. It works really good! It takes a lot of courage to step out from behind the obesity and deal with all of the many reactions that people around you will have. But I'm willing to give it another try! :)

David C
 
miss_apple_tart said:
I totally relate to this, especially the fact that weight loss will make me have to face other life changes.

Another thing for me, and I will be really happy if someone else can relate to this because I feel like I am totally insane and crazy for feeling this way...but I feel that if I lose weight then I am giving into the pressures of society. I feel like I will be a hypocrite because I have been going around preaching that you can still be big and beautiful if you are fat.
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People change, you can't be afraid to improve because you're worried about others. I once feared changing because of other people but people change, grow and there is nothing wrong with that.

I'd also like to say that this article is very usefull and strikes home with me and it is very good to address these issues. When you read them it sounds stupid but when you are secretly thinking some of these things you don't even realize.
 
After I read this article I started crying. There are many reasons why I would want to stay fat... but there are reasons I think I am finally ready to lose this weight. However, the reasons for each side seem to conflict with each other.

I am feeling very conflicted today :(
 
DCarr10760 said:
Here's a bit from one of my experiences. When I was a Freshman in college I ballooned up to my (then) heaviest weight of 245 lbs. I was having a difficult time with my girlfriend (she wanted out) and she decided that she would spend the summer away as a camp counsellor. So I went to live with my Sister and Brother-in-law, far away from home, helping them to fix up an old house they had purchased.

They let me stay for some of my labor and I got a job for some cash. My Sis and BIL are very trim and healthy, runners, cross-country skiers, health food folk. They convinced me to try to take the summer as an opportunity to get healthy and lose weight. So I did. With their help and support I lost a lot of weight. They were very proud of me. When I got back to College I weighed 184. Everybody was dazzled by the change, it was like a sudden change to them because at the end of may I was my fat, jovial self, then the next time they saw me (late August) I was at my ideal weight.

After everybodies initial positive reactions there was a weird time when nobody seemed comfortable around me. Here's what some of the comments were when I got home.

Mother and Sisters: "You look too thin, like you've been sick"

My Fat, Dweeb Male Friends: "You don't look like you anymore, I don't know how to relate to you."

My Hot Women Friends: "We can't study/lunch/shoot-the-breeze together anymore, because my boyfriend doesn't believe something isn't going on between us...when you were fat he trusted me." (That one hurt).

My Thin, Handsome Best Friend: "You've changed, it used to be like you were my sidekick, my Costello, my Sancho Panza, my fat friend that by comparison made me look good...now you are competition."

The worst, as it turned out was my girlfriend who was suddenly very into me. That was the most hurtful because it belied how little she cared for me, apart from appearences. Of course I only see THAT in retrospect. (I married and later divorced her.)

But everybody treated me differently, cashiers flirted with me, my friends didn't know how to take me any more. Of course I got lots of attention, but a whole new set of problems. I'd be fibbing if I said that's why I quickly gained even more weight back. That had more to do with being out of the supportive environment than anything, but I've never forgotten how the experience of suddenly being thin was very different from how I had imagined it to be.

So I sort of understand how women must feel, using fat as a shield. It works really good! It takes a lot of courage to step out from behind the obesity and deal with all of the many reactions that people around you will have. But I'm willing to give it another try! :)

David C
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People can be so jealous/cruel/competitive. They say the best way to get back at someone is to live well. I think these people felt threatened by you and thats why they acted the way they did.
 
im fat because i had low self worth
i acted funny to take away from the fact that im that fat guy
im fat because i had the thoughts that nothing i ever did was good enough

that shits changing
 
stuco said:
People can be so jealous/cruel/competitive. They say the best way to get back at someone is to live well. I think these people felt threatened by you and thats why they acted the way they did.
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I think you're right. The people around you, your support network, is comfortable with you when you're fat, particularly when you've always been fat. When you change, it does shake things up. People, even the ones who love you don't always know how to deal with that.

It almost seemed like my success made them more conscious of their own problems that they needed to deal with. Rather than face their own demons they cut me down to make themselves feel better, I suppose.

It was just unexpected, I was so happy I finally got in shape and wonder of wonders, it didn't make all my problems go away.

I really believe that chronic, lifelong obesity is not a disease, it is a symptom. The disease is deeper and obesity is a coping mechanism. IMO

David C
 
but some days I just wish someone would say to me, "Hey, let's go for a walk in the mornings together." I think sometimes I could lose weight so much easier if I just had more company in the same boat as me.
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That's a great idea! Why not just turn it around to -

I could lose weight so much easier if I just had more company in the same boat as me so I am going to say to someone, "Hey, let's go for a walk in the mornings together."

You have the power to make a change for yourself. Don't wait for someone else to come along & do it for you, because they probably won't!
 
...

This was a great post. I never really though of the idea that I might be "holding on to fat". I actually thought a bit after reading this and realized that my two serious relationships started when I was heavier and I eventually lost weight about two years into each one of them (which I am doing now after three years with my current bf - I started dropping weight after about two years, and am going all the way now). It is almost like (in my head) love is more genuine when it is not based on "the body" or sex. I think it is all in my head though, to be honest.

As for attracting people, I tried to think about this a bit and I think that, for myself, I do attract more people when I am thinner, but not necessarily because I am "hotter" (most of the time people cannot even tell that I have lost so much wieght until it is really a drastic amount), but because I feel better and sexier, therefore, invite the attention without really looking for it. Why not try to change saying that "creepy guys start being attracted to you" into something positive like: I feel so good about myself that men notice my force and confidence, and therefore, find me more attractive. You are not obligated to talk to any creeps...just take the compliment and move along...lol.

The case is the same for men. I take confidence over tight abs any day, and a man with confidence is something that I am attracted to without really realizing it --- all my opinion and taste, by the way ;) --- I find that a guy with confidence has something that I cannot quite put my finger on, so maybe it boils down to our primiive urge to be with the "alpha" - and I think this works for women who own their bodies and are confident. When you start taking control of your body with diet and excercise - you own it, and everything you put on it and the way it moves ;).

So let's try to release the fear and remember that we have to clear our heads and own our feelings and bodies! That is sexy!

;)
 
I think that really relates to me, in every way. I read something like that in a magazine article and I started to cry. Because the truth was so vivid, and harsh.
 
I agree--I am afraid to lose the weight. When I was in my early 20s I lost a ton of weight, and I was in the best shape of my life. I was also depressed and miserable. I kept having risky, unprotected sex with anyone who wanted to, whether I wanted to or not, and was abusing alcohol and other drugs. I gained the weight back, and have been less anxious and happier. Now I am married, older, and more secure. I wonder if I would be able to lose again without losing my joy of life, and without feeling in constant danger from men looking at me. I am very afraid.
 
miss_apple_tart said:
That's one of my fears as well. I am quite strapped for cash. Especially since I need to lose about 160 pounds so I will be going through many sizes if I am successful in my endeavors.
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About twice a year, a friend of mine organizes a clothes-swap and invites all her female friends to bring all the clothes they want to get rid of, and we all trade them with each other...they're usually decent, just things that for various reasons the women don't wear anymore, and instead of throwing them out, we're helping out each other. I've scored some nice shirts and stuff that way, although pants are a different story. I've found going thrifting is a great way to get some clothes for cheap while I'm losing weight, or hitting up the clearance racks - you can find cute stuff there sometimes.
 
I think there are several underlying reasons that I have a hard time losing weight, and the article definitely hit a sore spot.

- I'm afraid that I'll fail. Period. I'm afraid I'm just not strong enough to succeed in the ways that I want to.

- I'm afraid that maybe I'll succeed, but that I'll have to get closer and reveal myself to people when I become more approachable. Part of me is severely attached to the mysterious aloof persona I've cultivated my whole life, and the introvert in me depends on it. I'm afraid that I'll be constantly accosted by friendly, well-intentioned society who wants to make friends when a lot of the time, I would rather be independent and go my own way.

- I'm afraid that I'll succeed in losing the weight, but even after all the hard work and sacrifice that I still won't be fit enough to compete and do the things I want to do, like naval flight school. The things I want to do don't just require me to lose a good amount of weight, they require a physical readiness a lot of fit people can't accomplish. What good is being skinny if I can't achieve my larger, big-picture goals?

- I'm afraid that losing weight will open me up to relationships, which will open me up to commitment and rejection. I have always been the person to end a relationship because I can't stand the thought of someone ending one with me. I drive people away before they have the chance to do it first.

- I'm afraid if I lose weight, I still won't be as feminine or beautiful as I'd like to be. I've always been the tomboy chubby girl. I don't want to be that anymore, but I'm not sure I can figure out how to be anything else.
 
Wow, this is written with women totally in mind.

This says nothing for me as a guy... and those certainly weren't the reasons. Truth was, it was easy to eat shit foods. Quick, readily Available, and so damn tasty...

I did this change when I was going through a divorce but already had been in a new relationship. She liked me the way I was, I didn't and knew I could do better (oh yeah, and a kid said the back of my neck looked like a package of hot dogs pretty much sent me overboard).
 
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