Eradicating the fear

Congrats on the detox going well!! But sorry that your sweetie had to leave so soon. I was just visiting mine 2 weeks ago and I won't see him again until June...but then in August, like you, I will join him forever!!! I am also using this time to hang out with friends and family. We both have iChat on our MACs and we video conference almost every day though. It gets lonely, but we manage!

I am thinking about getting microdermabrasion too...my skin is nice..but it gets dry. I have been using La Mer every day for like 6 months now and it's making an improvement, but I feel like I could "sand of the top layer" and be better off. I want that nice clean shine!!
 
Hi Becka!! Just read your diary, and checked out your wedding page...awesome!! Very romantic!! My hubby and I are celebrating 25 years of marriage in June, and wish you both well!!
 
LolaBride said:
Congrats on the detox going well!! But sorry that your sweetie had to leave so soon. I was just visiting mine 2 weeks ago and I won't see him again until June...but then in August, like you, I will join him forever!!! I am also using this time to hang out with friends and family. We both have iChat on our MACs and we video conference almost every day though. It gets lonely, but we manage!

I am thinking about getting microdermabrasion too...my skin is nice..but it gets dry. I have been using La Mer every day for like 6 months now and it's making an improvement, but I feel like I could "sand of the top layer" and be better off. I want that nice clean shine!!
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Ah, the difficulty of long-distance relationships.. But the only way to cope is to be positive, I suppose- the more you mope, the worse you feel I have found!

Definitely consider getting microderm- my face is, unfortunately, acne-prone and also terribly try in some areas- the treatments have done wonders thus far!
 
beckster123 said:
Hi Becka!! Just read your diary, and checked out your wedding page...awesome!! Very romantic!! My hubby and I are celebrating 25 years of marriage in June, and wish you both well!!
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Aww thanks Beckster- Congrats to you as well- thats truly amazing in this day and age:)
 
LolaBride said:
Congrats Beckster!!! WOW...that's a nice milestone!! YAY!!!

Here's our website:
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Haha, yes I should probably mention that Blair introduced me to the 'wedding webpage' situation- I stole her idea but I felt that I should definitely accredit her for it:)
 
oh the website idea is just so cool....it's nice to be able to keep track of everything...no matter WHERE you are!!!
 
LolaBride said:
oh the website idea is just so cool....it's nice to be able to keep track of everything...no matter WHERE you are!!!
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Definitely- we seem to be on at the same times at night- so sad, Friday night and I'm at home on the computer! What are your plans for this evening?
 
9pm- Just had a nervous breakdown as I was sitting in the bathtub, having a"relaxing" bath while reading Glamour when I came about an article on cancers. It showed a few melanoma like moles and I freaked out and screamed for my Mom- I'm getting a few of my birthmarks/moles checked out at the beginning of next week as I'm a nervous wreck.

Not the best friday night unfortunately..
 
You really need to get out of my head!! LOL!! That happened to me last year, all my moles were freaking me out. Fortunately Pete's dad is a GP so he sliced them all off for me! I stay out of the sun...but I worshipped it when I was a kid.

I was going to go out tonight to Geisha House (where Pete and I met) to hang out with one of my best friends but I know how that ends..it's such a glammo-posh place full of celebs, models and gorgeous people. I always feel inferior and then I drink too much. I have a photoshoot tomorrow and don't really want to look puffy so I'm staying at home to read Martha Stewart weddings, have a nice bubble bath with green tea bags on my eyes. I'll go to sleep early and try to feel pretty tomorrow Woo Hoo!! Hot times on a Friday night!

Hey...as an aside...check out the FitDay website (look at my link below.) Just poke around and see what it does. NEAT!
 
Gosh, your life sounds so freaking glamarous compared to mine! A photo shoot? For what? Can I please have your career? I'm headstrong about somehow finding a way to get me out to California before I leave the country- its one of the few places I have ALWAYS wanted to go but have never been!

And yes, we are the same person. I think I'm going to get all of my 'sliced off' as well- does it hurt?

Your night sounded nice and relaxing. I think I got myself too worked up as I didnt sleep AT ALL so I'm feeling quite lethargic here at work this morning. Working here 830-1230, going to the gym and then bartending 5-3am. I can't believe I only get paid $8/hour at this bloody job- welcome to the low economic area where I was brought up! As my father brings in an exorbident amount of money, I'm stuck at the very bottom of the food chain..with a MASTERS degree- *Sigh*- the things we do for love and those we love:)

Any big plans tonight? Speak soon xo
 
Bloody hell. 10:38 and I've already eaten almost half the day's calories. I hate days like these! After I worked so hard detoxing..Okay, breathe. I need to steer clear of those protein bars since they're 220 calories! They're just so wonderful for that chocolate craving and sugar rush, especially since they don't have any refined sugars in them.. Well, working until noon and then to the gym so I'll just work extra hard there!
 
I LOVE those protein bars!!! Especially the chewy chocolate peanut butter ones!! I only allow myself to have them just before or immediately after a workout now.

The mole removal did not hurt at all. I got a small injection to numb it and then he sliced them off with a scalpel and then cauterized the wound with what looked like a soldering gun. It burned slightly hours later in the way it would if you touched a friend's cigarette by accident. No scar or anything. Once you're married you can get them all done for free on the NHS! YEAH!!

My life sounds glam but it's not, really. I'm a loner for most of the time. The photos are basically for this one photographer who wants to shoot me. I am going to change my hair again soon so it will be a nice documentation. I'm going back to my natural blonde next. No more dying.

So....here's a deal for ya...come out to LA and we will have a health retreat. Hop on a JetBlue and then just stay with me. There are so many gorgeous places to hike or walk, we can work out at my gym for free. There's amazing health food everywhere...LA is perfect for someone who wants to lose weight and get fit. You get inspired by all the beautiful people once you get over the urge to open a vein. But the whole culture is very supportive to "body betterment" I can even be a teetotaler when I want without getting the funny looks. In NYC they're like "whaddaya mean ya don't drink?" That's like saying you don't breathe air! Also the gorgeous thin models you see everywhere back East are on the NYC diet which means "I smoke 3 packs a day and I can't afford to eat anything." They don't really look good up close, just dangerously thin. Here, everyone is...well...buff!!!

I mean it, come out for a few days or a week and we will do something cool everyday. It will be good for both of us. We can go for a hike in Runyan Canyon or up on Mulholland, I know this great place by the Hollywood sign where once you get to the top you can see the whole city AND the valley! The topography here is amazing. One day you can wake up and surf, then go skiing in the afternoon, then sleep under the stars on a blanket in the desert. I kid you not. All in one day.

I’m serious Becka, if you want to see the Pacific, which I think you should, come to LA for a little while and be my guest. Just get a plane ticket and that’s all you have to worry about. We won’t laze around (much,) we will work hard at doing some great healthy activity every day and it will be disguised as being a tourist trip. We can even go to some super posh bridal shops and go to Rodeo drive just for fun! You will go hope happy, thinner and fitter. This is not a completely altruistic offer...you would be motivating me and therby kind of like a "sponsor." LOL!!

Same in NYC too BYW…don’t get s hotel, I have an apartment in the East Village.
 
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LolaBride said:
I LOVE those protein bars!!! Especially the chewy chocolate peanut butter ones!! I only allow myself to have them just before or immediately after a workout now.


Hey girl, you are so sweet! I would love to come and visit you at some point. I can't consider anything until July as I am committed to both of my jobs until then but as the summer months approach, we'll defintely reconsider it- thanks!

Looking forward to seeing the new blonde look- I can't imagine you as a blonde!

Work last night was enjoyable, as bartending allows me to relax and I really enjoy the socializing that is integral to receiving good tips:). However, one of my regulars, who is this super sweet, lovely man, basically confessed he was in love with me and that I'm his ideal girl... Talk about awkward and uncomfortable moments. As as the drinking continued, it only became worse! I'm used to the older men making comments about 'if i were 20 years younger..' but this guy is my friend and is my age- ouch! And while of course I am flattered, I'm also engaged!!

Slept most of the day today as the 4am night left me absolutely shattered. Still feel pretty wrecked. Going to practice my guitar and go back to bed. Have a great day tomorrow everyone!
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In the middle of a winter storm. Foot of snow already on the ground and its the middle of April. This is what I call virtual insanity. I don't believe it!

After backtracking the weekend before last, am back at starting wieght of 163. Despite strict obedience to eating plan, the sccale has not budged. If I still do not see progress by Sunday, I will adjust the plan further. Argh- I hate my body- it tends to lose weightto its own discretion and does not consult me!

Anyway, breakfast was 1/4 cup egg beaters, slice soy cheese and two pieces of turkey bacon [only 20 calories and really tasty- recommend it to anyone!].

Most schools are off this week for vacation but those that arent have been cancelled for today. The roads are really slippery! Okay, back to work-
 
HI! Just thought I'd stop by your diary and thank you for offering your support to me. It's been a tough weekend and it was nice to read your comment. Anyway, I saw you online this weekend and tried to say hello but you were idle. :( Maybe I will catch you on some other time.

Oh...too bad about your snow storm. I hate snow. I hate it so much I can't even explain it to you. My heart goes out to you during this snowy patch in your life. :)

Talk to you later!
 
welcome

First of GOOD FOR YOU. I felt like i was reading about myself when I was reading you first thread. I have also a lot if issues and also signed up for hypon therpy but mine has come to a screaming hault. As part of my therapy I am suppose to forgive the one person who is responsibly for a lot of shit in my life and my families but I cant move on so not sure what to do.

but I am so happy it workrd for u.

Good luck:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
 
glittergirl said:
HI! Just thought I'd stop by your diary and thank you for offering your support to me. It's been a tough weekend and it was nice to read your comment. Anyway, I saw you online this weekend and tried to say hello but you were idle. :( Maybe I will catch you on some other time.

Oh...too bad about your snow storm. I hate snow. I hate it so much I can't even explain it to you. My heart goes out to you during this snowy patch in your life. :)

Talk to you later!
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Hey Holly! I was bummed to have missed your IM the other night- Will hopefully catch you at some point but i'm not on very often.

We had a FOOT of snow today. RIDICULOUS. How was your day?
 
irishgreeneyes said:
First of GOOD FOR YOU. I felt like i was reading about myself when I was reading you first thread. I have also a lot if issues and also signed up for hypon therpy but mine has come to a screaming hault. As part of my therapy I am suppose to forgive the one person who is responsibly for a lot of shit in my life and my families but I cant move on so not sure what to do.

but I am so happy it workrd for u.

Good luck:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
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Hey there- Thanks for the comments. Forgiveness is one of the most complex, discombublating concepts in this world. It is something that we perceive as so incredibly simplistic until we reach a point where it is needed. I completed a double BA in psych/soc so I have strong background in psychological theories and I would surmise that your therapist believes that the individual with whom you feel unable to forgive is at the root of your problem and in forgiving him or her, you will be able to jump over your first hurdle and enter the healing process.

Through my own experiences in therapy, I have come to realize that some practitioners are far too steadfast on having their patients conquer their fears and move past barriers to an extent whereby they are pushing the patient away and compromising the patient-doctor trust [this happened in my case]. Don't feel like your situation is hopeless and don't feel that you, by any means, are doing anything wrong by refusing the begin the 'forgiveness' process. I believe that there is a time for everything- but I also believe that you can't force things- anything. You need to do things when you feel READY- when you are fully prepared to face any repercussions that may endure subsequent to your actions...when you are READY to forgive this person- you will. It's really that simple.

You can't be forced to forgive or forget, especially when it comes to someone who had a tremendously negative impact on your life. When I was seeing someone a few years ago about my sexually abusive ex-boyfriend, I was told I needed to forgive his actions. That, at the time, seemed ungodly- how could I forgive someone who told me they loved me but continually forced himself upon me? Even now, as I am writing I find this advice absolutely unseemly and fairly unrealistic. I havent forgiven him nor have I or will I have forget what he did to me.

I think there is a medium between forgiving someone and moving past what they did to you. It's a matter of coming to terms with what they did and making peace with yourself. Not justifying their actions nor accepting them- It's more along the lines of telling yourself 'this person was inhumane. he/she did this to me but it no longer defines who I am and will no longer severely intrude on my everyday life.' This statement may sound entirely unfeasible to you, depending on where you are in the healing process. Trust me, years ago I never thought I would get over what was done to me. And I probably never will- it has shaped me into the person i am today.

I hate to sound cliche but everything in life, good and bad, contributes to the person you become- whether as a rape survivor or a child abuse victim or a bullied school kid- every experience will eventually have some kind of positive impact on your life...pending that you are strong and wise enough to find the good in it. I'm not saying that these are positive experiences; but I am saying that it is impossible to heal, to move on if you focus entirely on the situation itself and the way it made you feel.

As far as forgiveness, you may Never forgive this person...but this does not mean you have to live each day in the aftermath of his or her actions toward you. Try to turn this person's behavior into something positive in your life- I have now directed/produced five productions of The Vagina Monologues-both professionally and at the college level; I have worked at domestic violence shelters; I have spoken out about my rape and my sexually abusive relationship. Try coming to terms with this person in this manner- you won't believe the way it will change your life.

All my love and best wishes to you- there is hope, I promise.
 
Crazybecka88 said:
Hey Holly! I was bummed to have missed your IM the other night- Will hopefully catch you at some point but i'm not on very often.

We had a FOOT of snow today. RIDICULOUS. How was your day?
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Aside from getting stung by a wasp in my bathroom my day was pretty nice. :D

Sorry to hear about your snow. I lived in Iowa for a little bit with my parents and hated every day of snow they had. I just don't think I am cut out for cold weather... I get cold when it's below 70. :D

Hope you're having a nice night. :)

By the way, how are your wedding plans coming along? I know it's coming up before the year is over so you must be planning away like crazy! :)

Talk to you later!
 
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