Emily Rose: The Reboot

- Okay LaMa.
- Hey Rob. I like Dr Fauci, he is a big fan of the masks, so maybe I should start listening to him. ;) The tracker app is an app you install on your phone that lets you know if anyone you have been in contact with has developed the virus. I guess it's a good idea but I don't like the idea of being tracked (anymore than I already am), so I'm not going to get it.
- Thanks Petal, I know you're right, and my life isn't that bad, of course not. I guess it is just that stubborn streak that doesn't want to do what everyone is telling me to do. I don't know why I have that feeling in general, but it's there! I understand the very good reasons why we should wear one. I don't know what to say really.

Anyway, let's move on to other topics. Food the last few days has been okay. Went for a walk with my friend on Wednesday for an hour, and played tennis yesterday with Dad. I had some nice shots. My hand/eye coordination has really developed. I was an extremely awkward kid/teenager/young adult, but it finally seems to be improving. I must google that actually, it's really strange just how bad it was. When we played tennis a good few years ago, my dad would throw the ball to me at one point because I was playing so poorly, and it was a real struggle to catch it. Thankfully, I don't have that problem as much anymore. :D

They are starting up a tennis league soon, which is really exciting, as I love competitive matches. I know I will probably be slaughtered in most of them, but I love the idea of having a game with stakes involved. I have in my head as a medium term goal to try to win a competition at some stage. I really think I can do it. :)

Not doing anything for the evening, tennis tomorrow at 11 and going to the cinema tomorrow night. Have to try to keep them open with my custom! I fear the age of cinema is coming to a swift end. There were 14 at the film I went to see the first week, only 4 last weekend. I guess it's hard when it's mostly older movies that are in that people can stream online anyway. The Wizard of Oz (first released in 1939) is in the cinema this weekend, lol.

I did a good bit of work for the drama group this week. We're trying to get our regular meetups back up and running in September, so I sent an email to the arts council asking what are the guidelines around this. I also contacted a local theatre to ask about doing a potential show in February. No word back yet, but good to keep things in motion anyway. There's a lot of people that really love our little group, it's nice to be a part of something positive that I also get a kick out of. I'm probably closer with the people in the group than some of my own friends at this point. I guess that's life.

Not much else to report really. Oh yeah, my dad and I were meant to go to a concert in November, got the cancellation email today. What a disaster. This is the second gig that has been cancelled on us this year. We were going to see this amazing classical pianist Alexis Ffrench, this piece is really beautiful, I'll leave you with it:

 
Hey Emily, you are sounding good. Tennis seems a good thing for you.

I always like the Wizard of OZ, seeing it in a movie theater would be a good experience.
The tracker app is an app you install on your phone that lets you know if anyone you have been in contact with has developed the virus.
We don't have that here, not that I know of. Not a terrible idea I guess, but I am not sure what you do with the info. And given that our CDC estimates that only 10% of infected cases are reported it would be limited information.

Listened to Bluebird as I posted here, thanks for that!
 
Hi Rob, thanks for the reply. Glad you liked Bluebird. I find it very soothing.

Good day today. Well, I mean, it started with me weighing in at 190.9 pounds, which is a disaster. My weight hasn't gone above this in a couple of weeks, so this is where it seems to be settling, but it's so irritating. And you know what? I was looking at myself in the gym mirror today and I really don't look 30 pounds overweight. Or have I just got used to looking at myself like this? I remember being 20 pounds lighter and thinking I looked huge. What is the truth? But yeah, long way to go really. It's hard to have such a long journey ahead.

Going to play tennis with my dad this Sunday, haven't done that in a while. I really miss tennis. One of the girls was gone off after work today to play a game, I really want to join a club and get back into it. Problem is money, always the problem at the moment. But I'll see how I get on Sunday and maybe try to go to some tennis meetups if they crop up, as they usually do this time of year. I was getting pretty good! It would be a shame to let it slip away. Also, it's a great stress relief. Better than a bottle of wine any day.

I posted the above in July 2018. Sometimes I go back through my diary to see what I was doing this time one year ago, 2 years ago, etc. I thought this was a nice post. I finally got there! And it certainly is better than a bottle of wine any day. The club I joined is very affordable compared to the other clubs around as well.

I had my first competition game this morning at 10 am. I lost badly, but I actually played okay. She was just a far better player and my lack of fitness destroyed me. Still, it was fun. I have another one now on Wednesday. My opponent today beat that lady as well, so hopefully I will have a more competitive game with her.

The sun is absolutely blistering today, it was very hot playing the tennis. I went for a stretch and mobility class at the gym after my game and then I went for a sandwich. I'm in bed now, probably going to have a nap, as I have more tennis this evening. That's all for now.
 
Always good to be reaching goals! The mirror thing is weird - not for you specifically but just in general. Looking at yourself objectively seems to be impossible. But liking what you see can only be a good thing, especially when you´re getting fitter and feeling healthy in general.
 
The mirror thing is weird - not for you specifically but just in general. Looking at yourself objectively seems to be impossible. But liking what you see can only be a good thing, especially when you´re getting fitter and feeling healthy in general.
Emily, LaMa is quite right. We are poor judges of ourselves in the mirror. In my case I know about 40 or 50 lbs back I started to look more "normal" and less like a fat man. And many people have not noticed that last 40+ lb loss. I have, of course, particularly in my clothing sizes, but most others not so much. And I can tell you I am still looking at the same fat places and hoping I can make them go away, they are a bit smaller now, but still there. Probably always will be. My point is that at 190 I am sure you look good, and good to most other people. Recognizing that yourself is an accomplishment. This is no excuse not to lose a few pounds, I am sure you will be a little healthier and happier if you do, so do it!
 
Hey Em with all the exercise you do probably a few little tweaks will make a difference. A girl in work cut out a biscuit after her dinner and lunch and definitely looks different after a a few weeks . It’s so hard here thought we are constantly surrounded by food !
On the bright side At least you are healthy and able to play tennis and enjoy your food .
 
- Liking what I see might be a stretch LaMa, but I guess I'm trying to be a little kinder to myself.
- Thanks Rob. I think I will feel better for lots of reasons if I lose 30+ pounds (I'm thinking more like 50), but 190 isn't stopping me doing anything I want to do, thank God.
- Thanks Petal. I guess I've reached a point where the exercise isn't enough. My diet has to change.

190.1 this morning. I remember being unhappy to be in the 170s club! How times have changed. I need Amy to coax me back in there!!

I'm thinking of going on a super-strict diet short-term just to give me a boost. I'm not sure how realistic that is. But losing 1 pound a week from this great height is just depressing me. If I could get a fast 5 pounds gone, I could cope with a more sustainable weight loss after that. We'll see. I have a book with some easy and healthy recipes in it, obviously very little carbs, but maybe if I feel like it's out of my hands a bit more and I just have to follow what the book says, it might feel easier. More like an experiment than a diet. I don't know. I won't be tackling that mid-week anyway. But I have an occasion coming up next weekend, and it would be nice to be strict in the run-up to that, and then have my night out as my reward. Psychologically, it might be easier to keep it up and ignore the hunger pangs.

I ADMIT IT, I WANT THE QUICK FIX!!!
Diet industry, I am yours.

Super busy in work, super annoying meeting on the cards tomorrow. Trying to get into a positive mindset before that one. I am warning myself to just listen and NOT TALK, unless asked a direct question or am making a positive, helpful remark. Oh God, it won't be easy, haha. :chillpill:

I called out to my mum last night cos I was feeling blue, she told me lots of nice things about myself, it was good to have her support. I think she worries about me sometimes. I never talk to her about my food issues, I'm not sure I ever will. She doesn't like her own body, so it's very difficult to have a conversation about it. I guess if she knew how deep this problem ran, it would really upset her, and I am trying to protect her from that. We get on well but I keep a lot from her. I kind of like it that way. I just want to be free to figure things out for myself I guess.

I think she thinks I'm sad because I'm not in a relationship, but actually, that isn't really what makes me sad. It's all the shit I'm doing that is keeping me away from relationships. Like, if I sorted out my food issues and built up a positive relationship with my body, I really think I'd meet a guy in no time. And that's not arrogance or naivete, I just really believe that's how it will go. Actually, the tennis club night is starting up again next week, so I might finally get to chat with Italian guy.

I walked past Hot Yoga Guy today in town, I haven't seen him in a long time actually, and he was chowing down on what looked like a burger. That made me smile. :) It just made him seem more human, lol.

I booked a dentist appointment earlier today, that always makes me feel like I'm taking care of myself, even when I'm not. I asked to get put on the waiting list so hopefully I get seen sooner. My teeth are really stained at the front. Stupid nicotine.
 
I ADMIT IT, I WANT THE QUICK FIX!!!
Diet industry, I am yours.
:rotflmao: I'm glad I'm not the only one... No wonder they make so much money (usually off the same people every time, too). Being kinder to yourself is very likely a good idea.
I feel you on not wanting to tell your mom too much stuff that might upset her, too. When I was younger I used to think she'd know those things anyway and I just didn't want to have unpleasant conversations for my own sake but that changed once I realized she had no idea about the darker things and it upset her when she found out.
 
Emily we all want the quick fix . They don’t work . Try this for a week and stick to it .
I/3 or more of your plate salad or veg , 1/3 carb ( 1 potatoe . Small portions of rice or pasta ) , piece of meat or fish etc

breakfast - fruit yoghurt , overnight oats etc or wholemeal toast ( Brennan’s wholemeal be good is amazing ) with a banana . Snack fruits

salad for lunch . If you want a treat limit it to 100 cal bar ( purple snack maybe )

If you want cheese 40g low low or 30g real .
Just some ideas and I bet you lose 5lb without starving
 
Hey Emily, I am all for a kind of diet quick start, but just to get started. I don't think "quick fixes" work, and I doubt that you do.

I do like Petal's suggestion, would you consider something like that as your kickstart? I originally committed to a 3 week kickstart of 1,200 calories a day. After 3 weeks I realized I could live with that longer term and stuck to it or close for over a year. What I like about Petal's suggestion is that it is something that could transition to a longer term diet.

I hope you can find something that will make you happy, you deserve to be.
 
- Thanks LaMa.
- Rob and Petal - I am going to start tracking my food here again and I want you to feel free to comment on it. I'm not going to count calories and all that jazz because it's just too time-consuming, but I am going to follow a similar plan to what Petal posted to try to keep myself accountable. I will start tomorrow, as I had McDonald's today. Definitely off plan, haha.

Bit of a manic day, fairly enjoyable, except for the fact I had to go back into work this evening and was there till nearly 11pm. Then I read the email and realised I'd gone above and beyond what was actually asked of me, so I don't even know if that task is out of my hair now, or will I have to go back and do the part she asked for separately again in the morning. Agh!!!

Played really great game of tennis this evening. The woman was a lot better than me, but she was nice. She's an absolute tennis nut! She played for an hour before me, then we played for an hour, and then she had coaching again later on in the evening. She told me she would play 7 days a week if she could. So I am not too insane! There's worse out there, haha.

Anyway, the cool part was that she suggested we play again another time, which was a great vote of confidence, considering I didn't exactly come anywhere close to beating her. But I guess I gave her a good enough game, and it's so much better for me to play someone really good, because that improves your game and fitness so much more than someone who is not as good as you are. I was absolutely wrecked after it, so sweaty from so much running. According to my Fitbit, I burned 447 calories in an hour, which is great. Then I ate a double cheeseburger in about 4 bites, which is the same amount of calories. What kind of messed up person in the clouds decided that was a fair trade-off? Hahaha.

In my defense, after the game, I had to go home, shower and go straight back to the office, so there weren't many options for me, and I was so hungry. I actually really enjoyed it.

Tomorrow, I have such a busy morning, but then I finally think that the pressure will be off a bit and tomorrow afternoon and Friday should be a lot more manageable. The annoying meeting we had today actually turned out to be really enjoyable - I actually felt a lot better about everything and more engaged afterwards, which was the whole point, so that was a good result.

Really looking forward to the weekend now, I need some rest. Slept well last night and my resting heart rate is finally dropping. It was as high as 71 last week, back down to 64 today. Good for me would be 59, and I definitely feel it's a reflection of my overall wellbeing.

Anyway, enough! Night night.
 
I am going to start tracking my food here again and I want you to feel free to comment on it. I'm not going to count calories and all that jazz because it's just too time-consuming, but I am going to follow a similar plan to what Petal posted to try to keep myself accountable. I
Great news, and you can be sure I will be watching and commenting. Tracking and accountability is important, but how you do it is more up to you. I use calories, but there are other ways that work just tine. Good for you!
 
Sounds like a pretty good day to me. If you can eat a burger as a meal it actually isn´t too bad (apart from the sodium, maybe) for macros.
 
- Thanks Rob. I will start on Saturday. :)
- Yeah LaMa, I also had the fries and coke. Oh well.

I was back in the 180s club this morning, so that's something. I actually woke up starving, I really did burn a lot of calories yesterday.

Work went fine, went for a nap when I got home, and woke up groggy and out of it. I went to play tennis against my dad then, it was a really beautiful evening. I played really well, I think I impressed him. I was leading in the first set for a good while. But I don't have the stamina to keep that good play up (yet). It will come, I'm sure.

I actually got a message from one of the women asking me if I wanted to do a coaching session with her soon, which would be fantastic. And another lady texted asking me to play tomorrow, but I'd already arranged a game with someone else. I feel so popular, hahaha. Long may it last. :)

Not much going on this weekend, which is okay. I have a big party next weekend, which is great. I really do miss the nightlife. I think that's why I enjoy the tennis so much, it's actually a way for me to socialise and see other people outside of my immediate circle. There was a really hot guy playing tonight actually. I definitely picked the right sport. The club night is back next week, looking forward to that, but nervous as well, as I believe the standard is very high. But if you're not in, you can't win.

No word yet on when my swimming pool is open again, which is really annoying. There is a hotel down the road that has a pool that I can join, but I think it's pricy and I like the one in town. There are loads of characters there, and before Covid, I was having great chats in the jacuzzi. Covid has really put a dampener on a lot of stuff for me. But at the same time, I definitely wouldn't have joined the tennis club without it, so out of the fire comes the steel. :p

Right, going to go back into movie dreamland, not much is appealing to me on Netflix at the moment, how is that even possible? I'd nearly prefer if they only had 20 films on offer and I just had to pick one. Too much choice!
 
I was back in the 180s club this morning, so that's something.
Yay! :party:
Also: great that you were able to impress your dad (it´s so nice to have activities in common with your parents, isn´t it?) and awesome that you´re fitting into the tennis club so well.
 
Em I agree with Netflix . We actually got prime for a couple of months . Husband is watching an odd old movie on it and my daughter rewatched greys . I am not a huge tv watcher really .
 
- Thanks LaMa.
- I do like films and TV Petal, but I find I binge watch a show and then I really need to take a break from it. The last one I watched was The Good Place, which is excellent.

I had a brilliant sleep last night, so I've gotten up and actually been productive this morning! Maybe Petal's post inspired me, who knows?

I had a healthy breakfast of porridge with raisins, prunes and milk, a slice of toast with butter and marmalade and a coffee. I've put on Michael Ball on BBC2, think I mentioned I like to listen to it on a Sunday when I'm around the house. He's just so positive! It's great.

I've been meaning to wash the shelves in the fridge for a while, so that's done. I emptied the bin and cleaned out my car, which was badly needed. My housemate has got up now, a bit hungover after a day and evening out with friends. I haven't talked to her in a while, so it's nice to keep a line of communication going. I put on the dishwasher and I'm just waiting for that to finish, as I am rarely here to empty it. Then I'm going into town to do some grocery shopping and get my healthy food in for the week.

I've a tennis match this evening at 6pm, then I'll make my dinner and prep lunch for tomorrow.

Weight back up to 190.5 this morning, but as I said before, at least it seems to be stabilising here. Still, I am a lot closer to 200 pounds than I would like to be.

I also have this survey to do and I get a 50 euro voucher once I complete it, which is pretty cool. That's next on the list.

Not much else to report, a good sleep is such a godsend!
 
- Thanks Petal. I was, haha.
- 50 euro is not bad at all LaMa. :)

I am troubled, and even though it's late, I just want to get something off my chest.

So, had an unpleasant conversation just before I left work today, which tends to happen lately with a certain individual who I will christen Ellie the Earwig for the purpose of this post. So, Ellie is someone I have been having a lot of trouble with lately, I've mentioned it in previous posts. Anyway, we had a big argument a couple of weeks ago, I thought it cleared the air, I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt as this is a really stressful, horrible time, people are off form, and we are all trying to just get on with things.

Anyway, last week, myself and another colleague were chatting about a former manager we had who was very blunt and to the point if you made a mistake, and you would be in massive trouble if something went wrong in your work. I actually had a good enough working relationship with her, and we got along fine, but she would blow up regularly if mistakes were made. This was before Ellie's time in the company. So, myself and other colleague are chatting about this at lunch, Ellie is outside the door, she can hear everything, but I didn't think it was a big deal as the person we were discussing is long gone and I don't think anything that bad was said to be honest, it was just an interesting conversation.

This evening, Ellie says that she had mentioned our conversation (of which she was only listening to outside the door and wasn't actually a part of) to another colleague and started asking her opinion on our former manager. So, this immediately annoyed me, and I didn't get cross or anything, but I was like, 'Look, that wasn't a conversation I'd have with the whole office. It was between me and Michelle, and when you start repeating it to other people, it makes it seem like a way bigger thing than it actually was.'

The response was that we were talking so loudly and she was shocked with what we were saying and she has a right to investigate it and ask other people their opinions.

Note: This is not a friend of hers. This is someone she has never even met.

So then I said, okay, you can do that, but it just means I can't trust you. And she said, yeah, you can't, I need to find out if what you and Michelle were saying was the truth. You need to whisper if you don't want me to hear.

And I was like, okay, we won't talk around you anymore. And she said fine, you can tell Michelle that too.

And now I am like, 'What the fuck is your problem?' What a bitter, angry, waste of space she is. She already gave out to me for talking about going to the gym and going for drinks when she is so afraid of the coronavirus, and I feel I can't discuss ANYTHING around her and she'll have a problem with it, and go around repeating what is just stupid chitchat nonsense to the whole office as if she is Nancy Drew and there's a big mystery to be solved.

I'm really sick of her, she has shown the nastiest, pettiest side to herself since the office has emptied out, and she's also lazy and more or less crap at her job. I feel like she resents my friendship with Michelle, and we in no way exclude her from anything, but now I want to exclude her from everything, because I don't want her whipping other colleagues up who were friendly with former manager when there's no need for it. Like, if I heard two people discussing someone who left, I wouldn't feel the need to run to someone else that I'm not friends with to start a discussion about it. It's just such needless drama. And I really feel hurt, because I've given her so much of my time and tried to help her and teach her, and it just ends up getting thrown back in my face.

I was going to say sorry about this post, but that's ridiculous, because this is actually my place to vent. I am so upset about this and I need to be free to write what I need to write to move on.

I am a bit worried about how to proceed. I just feel aggravated by this because it's like I'm on a reality show where every comment I make is being dissected and fed back. I don't feel I can be myself in that office when there is that kind of person around me. It's so hard to get it right all the time. I think if there was an incident where I felt like I did something wrong and something like this came up, at least I could be like, 'Well, okay, this is your comeuppance for that.' But like, this was an arbitrary chat that was in no way mean or vicious that I gave absolutely zero minutes of time in my head to think about afterwards, and suddenly, it's being parrotted around like it's a massive thing. Ugh, I'm just fed up of this life sometimes.
 
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