Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hey Emily, don't quit your job without another one. But keeping your options open and looking around would be good. You will either find something better, or things will improve while you are looking. And go to that wedding, getting out and mingling will take your mind off of yourself and your problems, a good thing. And who knows you might find a new friend, not likely to do that staying home!
 
Emilyrose said:
I just can't possibly match up to the expectations placed on me. I feel that my life isn't 'enough'. It's not enough for me.
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That's not an uncommon feeling in your early thirties, I think. People realize they'll never be rich and famous, even "just" within their chosen profession (don't many of us grow up subconsciously assuming we will?) or they don't have the picture-perfect life they think others have, and it makes them feel like they failed something. Some people have kids just to distract themselves from that! Or leave the family they have to go looking for a "better" version. Others take up a high-adrenaline hobby, or volunteer work. And yet others decide that just getting through life is achievement enough. It doesn't really matter which you choose - or when - but you're not alone feeling this way :grouphug:
 
Em I think you are just in the doldrums a bit . I agree with Rob keep an eye out for a career change or maybe go back to college part time and open up more opportunities.
One thing I consistently learn is life behind everyone’s closed doors life is not all it’s cracked up to be . I had my eyes opened yesterday to the struggles one of my relatives had with her adult kids . I thought they were perfect.
I might live with husband and kids but I can get lonely too . He works all the time and my life has been far from easy but to an outsider looking in i might have it all . But I have learned to be content and happy in my own life now . Read walk work hard . I don’t have a lot of friends of a huge social life but I have the few good ones who I love and i can count on.
enjoy the day for what it is . Forget about work until tomorrow morning when you are at your desk .
I agree with Rob go to the celebration and celebrate for your friends .
Did you ever join the meetups group ? It’s for walking and theatres and book clubs ? Might be a bit quiet now but you never know .
 
- Yeah, you are right Rob, I will definitely go to the wedding. Maybe I will make a new friend, haha.
- Thank you LaMa, really thoughtful post.
- Thanks Petal. I actually am pretty busy with the tennis, that's opened up a whole other arena of people, yoga is back next week, and the drama is potentially starting again in September, so in terms of hobbies, I am all good I think haha. I have gone to those meetups a good few times, I went to a tennis one a few years ago and one of the guys that was at the club night last week had also attended, so we were chatting about that.

I feel a lot better today. I got up this morning and played two hours of tennis with a group of ladies from the club, it was a great way to start my morning and the weather was absolutely beautiful. I came home then and had a late breakfast of scrambled eggs, avocado and toast and just chilled out for a while. I then decided to visit home for a while. When I got there, my dad was out in the garden picking blackcurrants. He's delighted with himself, they turned out really well. Sometimes the birds get to them first! I chatted to him and my mum for a while, they headed off for a walk and dinner out, and I watched TV for a bit, which was nice. I got bored of it though, so I came back here and then felt the need to take a nap. Which should set me up nicely for going back to work tomorrow.

I'm going to do a food plan here for tomorrow, and do my very best to stick to it.

Tuesday 4th August - Plan:
- porridge, raspberries, raisins, milk; orange juice; slice of toast with butter and marmalade (optional)
- apple
- spicy lentil and tomato soup; slice of toast and butter (optional)
- greek yoghurt with walnuts
- grilled, salmon, carrots, tender-stem broccoli and potatoes from my garden at home (as organic as it gets!)
- hot chocolate with milk (it's one for hair growth, optional)

Exercise:
- Spin in the morning before work
- Lunchtime walk
- Tennis after work

If I manage all that, it would be a very good day.
 
Starting off your day with tennis sounds like a great idea, Em. It's so much harder to get out & do stuff when you're feeling down, but it really does lift your mood. I have lived my life never really having "the answers" and I'm not sure anyone has. I am much more content with what I have these days, but I still get anxious about the world & my place in it & how I'll cope with whatever comes my way. I'm trying not to get tangled up in other people's drama & avoiding negativity wherever I can. Try to be hopeful that life will get better because the alternative is not pretty.
 
Your Tuesday plans sound delicious! Is the soup homemade - and if yes can I have the recipe? I love that your parents garden as well. Being able to nick fresh fruit and veg is the best thing ever.
 
- I am always hopeful Cate, lol. And yes, I go play tennis even when my mood is super-low, and that is very important for someone like me. It's the reason I prefer to be in the office than working from home - way too easy to be down in the dumps when you are not around other people.
- No, Marks and Spencer LaMa, it probably cost me a fortune! I had a voucher though, so that justified me doing a shop there, haha. I got 10 items for 30 euro as opposed to 25 items for 30 euro in Lidl or Aldi. So expensive.

Let's examine ''the plan'' and see how it went, shall we? :ambivalence: (Haha, I love this pumpkin guy.)

Tuesday 4th August - Reality:
- porridge, raspberries, raisins, milk; orange juice; slice of toast with butter and marmalade (optional) small cappuccino; muesli and milk
- apple coffee and milk
- spicy lentil and tomato soup; slice of toast and butter (optional) toasted ham, cheese, tomato, red onion, relish sandwich; side portion cheese and onion crisps; cup of tea and milk
- greek yoghurt with walnuts
- grilled, salmon, carrots, tender-stem broccoli and potatoes from my garden at home (as organic as it gets!) 150 g M&M chocolate bar (these things are my new crack cocaine)
- hot chocolate with milk (it's one for hair growth, optional) 2 hot whiskeys (I got soaked in tennis and it's a lot less alcohol than a bottle of wine, so I'm okay with it. Just warding off illness people.)

Exercise:
- Spin in the morning before work (Did not get to sleep early enough last night - cancelled)
- Lunchtime walk (I wore heels to work with no runners option.)
- Tennis after work (Windy and rained the whole time. We prevailed.)

I actually didn't really eat that much today, so you might say "success", but sticking to my plan would be a lot more beneficial for my body and my skin. Still fueling it with the wrong things. My appetite has gone down slightly the last few days - I did have pizza last night so the scales didn't reflect that this morning, but if I have a halfway decent day tomorrow, I should be seeing some movement. I've lost the urge to eat loads and loads of crap, which I had for a long time during lockdown.

I do have to laugh at how off the mark the reality of my day was. I think this could be an interesting exercise though, so let's try a new "plan" for tomorrow. It will force me to be honest at the very least.

Wednesday 5th August - Plan:
- scrambled eggs, tomato, spinach, feta, slice of toast and butter; orange juice
- apple
- spicy lentil and tomato soup; slice of toast and butter
- greek yoghurt, walnuts, raspberries (optional)
- salmon, pasta that I need to use up in fridge, spinach, tomatoes, pine nuts, olives, peppers

Let's try that.

Exercise:
- Run 3k

Tomorrow is a tennis day off, I need it, I am a bit sore this evening. Really enjoyed my game with dad earlier, although I am seriously starting to worry about his memory. We would be mid-game and he is serving and suddenly he's hitting balls over to me and telling me it's my serve. He is 70 now, so maybe he's not as sharp as he was, but it's worrying. :( Still, he's a bit ditsy at the best of times, so I'm sure that's just a part of it. I hope.

He's such a trooper, it was pelting rain, and he still stayed out the full hour with me. He had a towel and change of clothes in the car though, so at least he wasn't driving home with soaking wet clothes. I'd feel awful if he got sick because of this. I hate the fact that my parents are getting old(er). They are in excellent health and everything, but I just couldn't cope if they weren't around while I am still struggling so much. Not that it's cool that they are going to die at any time, but I guess they are my number one support system right now. And I need them. I think I bring them a lot of joy, even though my life is not going to 'plan'. They never act disappointed in me really. They really trust that it will all work out for me. And, you know, they've been around longer than I have, so maybe I should believe them.
 
Hey Emily, you are very fortunate to have living parents, I miss mine all the time. You are doing the right thing, spend time with them when you can, you will never regret a moment spent with them. Like you and Cate say they are probably the best judges of you and your situation and if they believe it will all work out I am sure they are right!
 
I find it very comforting when I notice my parents trust me and my decisions, or just that they're proud of me in general. Especially at times when I'm not very proud of myself.
My dad is 72 and right now comes home soaked all the time because he's working on his irrigation system and he would be most offended if we told him we worried about that because of his age :p At least he's aware he needs more rest than he used to and no longer works 100-hour weeks during summer...
 
Hi em spend as much time with them as you can. Make sure your dad stays hydrated when playing tennis . I miss my parents especially my mother and she died young .
from a parents point of view I imagine your parents want you to be happy and content and they will be if you are.
 
- Haha, thanks Cate.
- I hope so Rob, thank you.
- Ha, yeah, I know LaMa, early 70s doesn't mean you can't leave the house! :) I guess my dad had cancer 10 years ago and we are a bit more wary of him ever since.
- I take a lot more notice of them since this virus thing started Petal, a positive side effect I guess.

Tonight, it is absolutely boiling! I went for a walk in the woods after work, I haven't done that in a while, and it was like being in a tropical rainforest. It was like all the heat from the day had been absorbed by the trees and it was honestly like what I imagine being in the Amazon is like. It was great though, I'm really glad I got out.

Very good day in work today, nothing more needs to be said about that. Let's take the good when we can, haha.

Housemate is bugging me. I was saying to her earlier that we're meant to have a heatwave next week, and her reply was, 'We probably won't see those temperatures where we are.' She's so negative, I can't cope. It really gets to me. It makes me not want to converse with her at all. To be honest, she has such a black cloud surrounding her anyway that I just want to stay out of her way. It's a bit of a problem. And she keeps taking my clothes out of the washing machine and putting them on the countertop, which bugs the shit out of me. Just wait 5 minutes until I come back and empty it myself! There could be a stain on the countertop, which would make my washing null and void. For feck sake.

Solution: I am buying a basket this weekend. I resent having to buy it, but buy it I must.

Food today was pretty good overall, a few low points, but I actually cooked a dinner this evening, which was progress. I had a bit of a revelation this evening, I went to the shop and bought a bottle of wine and a packet of cigarettes, and then it was like I moved outside my body and I heard this voice say, 'What are you doing?' So, let's hope that means I will never buy either item again. Who knows? But yeah, it was kind of like I realised the futility of it all and that this is not helping me in any way. It's like buying drugs or stuffing your face with fast food. Nothing works. So I have to try to find another avenue. I guess that's why I'm here.
 
Emilyrose said:
I had a bit of a revelation this evening, I went to the shop and bought a bottle of wine and a packet of cigarettes, and then it was like I moved outside my body and I heard this voice say, 'What are you doing?' So, let's hope that means I will never buy either item again. Who knows? But yeah, it was kind of like I realised the futility of it all and that this is not helping me in any way. It's like buying drugs or stuffing your face with fast food. Nothing works. So I have to try to find another avenue. I guess that's why I'm here.
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I think that's why I decided to take a break from drinking, Em. It's a crutch and a habit & it doesn't help me at all. Yes, it may temporarily satisfy some need or urge and relaxed me at the time, but long-term it doesn't help one little bit. My mind is so much clearer. I wake with a clearer head, often singing. This morning it was "What the world needs now, is love sweet love". It's bloody hard to change habits, but it's well worth having a crack at it. When I do decide to have a drink I will have very strict rules about how much I have & how often. I haven't worked that part out yet, but I will.
 
I agree with Cate on the alcohol, giving it up (mostly) has both helped me control my calories and I think I feel better for it. Still miss it from time to time, but that is getting less.

Good luck with the housemate, sounds like the less you interact with her the better. When I was young I had room mates like that, room mates don't have to be friends, sometimes its better if they aren't.
 
Emilyrose said:
Housemate is bugging me. I was saying to her earlier that we're meant to have a heatwave next week, and her reply was, 'We probably won't see those temperatures where we are.'
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I would totally say that and mean it as reassurance. I hate high heat! But I get what you mean.
Fingers crossed the little voice in your head will get louder and louder :hurray:
 
- Yeah, I know I actually have to give it up as well Cate. After the wedding this weekend, I'm thinking of doing a 'detox' for an indeterminate amount of time. I have no other social occasions looming for the time being, so it should be doable. I'll let you know how it goes. We can support each other. :)
- Yeah, I've been friends with roommates and it's gone bad a few times Rob, haha. I'm an awkward person to share a house with. Probably why I'm single...
- I hope it starts booming LaMa. Thank you. x

I went to club night tonight, I really didn't feel like it, but I went. I'm so glad I'm sticking to my 'rules' on this one, it's good for me. It's 3 hours away from my thoughts and my computer and being outside in the fresh air moving my body, and I feel a lot better for it. I also burned 829 calories according to my Fitbit, so surely I am going to see some benefit from that.

It wasn't as good as last week, but I got really encouraging comments from one of the girls that was there who is around my age, which was nice. There's a few younger players there now, which is great, as a lot of the women in the beginners group are a bit older than me. Not that it matters, but it's just nice to get to know people in my age bracket as well.

It's funny, cos the last game was me and Jane, the younger player who is really good, and two of the younger men who are fantastic. So I was feeling a bit under pressure, and suddenly, my play and my serving got so much better. It was amazing that I was able to turn it on like that. That is why going to this club night is so good, cos it will really help to improve my game if I keep it up longterm. Which is the plan.

Autumn is setting in though, it was getting dark a lot earlier this evening, and I saw a couple picking blackberries when I was driving home earlier. God, this year is flying by, even though everything is strange. It's scary how quick it's going.

I'm a bit disappointed for my friends who are celebrating their marriage this weekend - two of our couple friends aren't going, which I think is really bad form. I don't know what the excuse of one of them is, but the others are only away in their holiday home a couple of hours away. I really think they should have come back for it. I'm disappointed for them really. I am reluctant to go just for the fact I'm going by myself and I feel too fat for all my dresses, but because the others aren't attending, I'm determined to be there for them and do my best to really enjoy myself. I think there's no point saying we'll all celebrate together another time, because things move on. This is the time to go and share the day with them. And they're lovely, they deserve a fabulous day.

That's all for today really, Friday tomorrow, whoo-hoo. Going to see The Dark Knight Rises in the cinema tomorrow evening, trying to go to a film once a week to do my bit to keep cinemas alive. There were 14 people at the film I went to last week, only 3 the week before. I'm keeping a tally, cos I'm a nerd like that. Haha.
 
Emilyrose said:
Yeah, I know I actually have to give it up as well Cate. After the wedding this weekend, I'm thinking of doing a 'detox' for an indeterminate amount of time. I have no other social occasions looming for the time being, so it should be doable. I'll let you know how it goes. We can support each other. :)
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For sure. I'm on day....20 today (?) & am surprised how well I'm coping really. I shocked myself the other day when I read how many standard drinks a woman should have as a maximum per week to remain healthy. That is not much! That's going to be my aim when I decide to have another alcoholic drink. 10 standard drinks a week. That's only 5 piccolos........a week!
Your tennis is doing you lots of good. I'm glad you're going.
 
Great to hear you sounding happy Em . I bet you will enjoy the wedding and good you are going . Agree the evenings are drawing in so quickly . Was dark at 9.30 last night but then it’s so cloudy . Saw the blackberries out too . We really got no summer this year . Maybe we will get an Indian summer now
 
Club night sounds great for your tennis game!
 
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