Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Yeah, she really annoyed me LaMa. I am really glad I got my rant out here though, cos I was able to be normal with her today.
I actually discussed Ellie with another colleague today, and she has loads of (different) issues with her as well, so that made me feel better. I've decided to be pleasant but keep my distance and watch what I say around her bigtime, cos I really don't want no more drama.
When I was talking about Ellie with the other colleague, she also told me some other stuff that is going on in the office between two other colleagues that I didn't know about. I am so glad to be out of the fray in general at the moment. Petal is right, there is too much drama going on. BUT, I do think all this stress and tension is a side product of the underlying anxiety that the coronavirus is bringing to the fore. So my plan is action is to keep my head down and concentrate on my work and just not get involved. I actually had a good day at work today anyway, so that was something.
I decided to take a little breather and visit my parents this evening, which is always nice. Dad went out and got us red velvet cake, which was such a treat, but not what my body needs right now! I had two slices. With cream.
I'm a bit worried about some sun damage I've got on my face. I think it was from when I was working from home earlier in the year and I would be outside during the day a lot more. It's so annoying, and I've actually had a few people mention that they have also noticed some brown spots appearing on their own skin, so I really think the sun is so strong. Bleugh. It could be aging as well, but I really don't need another physical defect to worry about right now. Anyway, I got some royal jelly brightening cream last weekend, I'm using it every day, and I had two people tell me I had a nice healthy glow today, so I hope it's working. I just don't want to be getting melasma or sunspots or whatever it is this early on.
Not much else to report, playing tennis tomorrow and my opponent is bringing two cloth masks for me that her friend makes, and the money goes to charity, which is great. I might feel better about wearing them if they are colourful and not those awful green medical masks. So yuck.
I also saw some photos of myself today taken at Christmas when I was 10 pounds lighter. I looked so unhealthy in so many ways. It really makes me sad. The problem is that it doesn't really encourage me to make changes when I see photos like that, it just makes me want to binge and smoke and drink. Aka my version of self-soothing. Very annoying. I'm in a slump.
I actually discussed Ellie with another colleague today, and she has loads of (different) issues with her as well, so that made me feel better. I've decided to be pleasant but keep my distance and watch what I say around her bigtime, cos I really don't want no more drama.
When I was talking about Ellie with the other colleague, she also told me some other stuff that is going on in the office between two other colleagues that I didn't know about. I am so glad to be out of the fray in general at the moment. Petal is right, there is too much drama going on. BUT, I do think all this stress and tension is a side product of the underlying anxiety that the coronavirus is bringing to the fore. So my plan is action is to keep my head down and concentrate on my work and just not get involved. I actually had a good day at work today anyway, so that was something.
I decided to take a little breather and visit my parents this evening, which is always nice. Dad went out and got us red velvet cake, which was such a treat, but not what my body needs right now! I had two slices. With cream.
I'm a bit worried about some sun damage I've got on my face. I think it was from when I was working from home earlier in the year and I would be outside during the day a lot more. It's so annoying, and I've actually had a few people mention that they have also noticed some brown spots appearing on their own skin, so I really think the sun is so strong. Bleugh. It could be aging as well, but I really don't need another physical defect to worry about right now. Anyway, I got some royal jelly brightening cream last weekend, I'm using it every day, and I had two people tell me I had a nice healthy glow today, so I hope it's working. I just don't want to be getting melasma or sunspots or whatever it is this early on.
Not much else to report, playing tennis tomorrow and my opponent is bringing two cloth masks for me that her friend makes, and the money goes to charity, which is great. I might feel better about wearing them if they are colourful and not those awful green medical masks. So yuck.
I also saw some photos of myself today taken at Christmas when I was 10 pounds lighter. I looked so unhealthy in so many ways. It really makes me sad. The problem is that it doesn't really encourage me to make changes when I see photos like that, it just makes me want to binge and smoke and drink. Aka my version of self-soothing. Very annoying. I'm in a slump.
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That´s the best you can do with any kind of workplace drama, I think.
Yeah, I think so LaMa.
Tonight, I feel so tired. I feel so tired of the struggle. So I've made a decision. I am going to love my body and start treating it right. I am going to give it the right fuel, the exercise it needs, and I'm going to stop treating it like the enemy. I am going to make my body my best friend.
I don't want to keep attacking myself all the time, wearing myself down, making myself feel lethargic and depressed and aimless.
I want to start to love myself, cherish and nourish myself, feed myself the right thoughts and the right foods. The great thing about that is there is no need to wait any longer. I can start right away. And little by little, all that good stuff will start to take root, and my life will begin to flourish in ways I can't even imagine right now.
The journey has to start somewhere, so why not here?
I bought myself some nourishing body oils today, they smell so beautiful, and even just rubbing them on my skin and breathing in the calming aromas has made me feel so much better. It's a small step but it's a step nonetheless.
Going to get a really good night's rest now and start on a new path in the morning.
Tonight, I feel so tired. I feel so tired of the struggle. So I've made a decision. I am going to love my body and start treating it right. I am going to give it the right fuel, the exercise it needs, and I'm going to stop treating it like the enemy. I am going to make my body my best friend.
I don't want to keep attacking myself all the time, wearing myself down, making myself feel lethargic and depressed and aimless.
I want to start to love myself, cherish and nourish myself, feed myself the right thoughts and the right foods. The great thing about that is there is no need to wait any longer. I can start right away. And little by little, all that good stuff will start to take root, and my life will begin to flourish in ways I can't even imagine right now.
The journey has to start somewhere, so why not here?
I bought myself some nourishing body oils today, they smell so beautiful, and even just rubbing them on my skin and breathing in the calming aromas has made me feel so much better. It's a small step but it's a step nonetheless.
Going to get a really good night's rest now and start on a new path in the morning.
alligatorob
Respected Member
That sounds like a really good plan! I am sure you and your body deserve it. No value at all in attacking, wearing down, or feeling lethargic depressed and aimless. By the way I don't think you are lethargic or aimless, you do a lot, tennis for example, and are always trying to better yourself. You are a good and valuable lady, remember that!
Cate
Long term member
That sounds like a very good plan, Em.
that post. Best of luck and keep us informed.- Thanks Rob. I've kind of made a 'rule' for myself in regards tennis that no matter how I am feeling, I try to get in my 4 games a week and I do not cancel them. It's been working so far.
- Thanks Cate. Easier said than done of course.
- Oh, I will LaMa. I love this place.
- Hi Petal. I actually do like my colleagues for the most part. One of them that has been mostly working from home was in today, and she was saying that me, another girl, and Work Colleague all get along great and she loves our little chats. It warmed my heart somewhat. That's not to say all that other drama is not lurking beneath the surface, but for the most part, I really do like it. Especially the last couple of weeks, things have improved a lot.
I actually never updated here, but the nasty mean girl I had that horrible incident with earlier in the year handed in her notice, so soon she will be a distant memory. I call that a success. And, you know, I was talking to my colleague Deirdre today, and she said she always felt she treated her well, which made me think that at least she can be pleasant at times. But I guess for me, it's such a relief that she's going. At least with Ellie, I know she has a certain amount of respect for me, and after talking to Deirdre today, she actually doesn't say half the annoying stuff to me that she does to other people. So, look, we'll start again. And we have a new girl starting, which will change the office dynamics again, hopefully for the best.
Anyway, had tennis club night tonight, it went so well, I am on a pure high after it. I just loved it. I thought it only went on for an hour - we ended up playing for two and a half hours.
I will definitely feel that tomorrow. But it was so cool, cos you play a doubles game for 20 minutes, then it's mixed up again and you play with another 3 people. So it's great to get to know the other club members also.
I was also delighted with myself, because I was asked to play doubles next week with some of the ladies who are far better than me, but I'd already booked and paid for a game with my dad at the same time, so I turned them down. But it was so nice to be asked. I'm really proud of myself actually. I mean, I have really put myself out there since I joined the club, and it's all just going fantastic. It just shows, when you really put positive energy into something, the results will present themselves so quickly!! I don't know why I haven't been able to apply the same practice to weight loss, but of course, if I did, the weeks would fly by and I'd be so fit and healthy in no time.
So, I guess with the tennis, it was all about making that commitment: play against my dad once a week and play in the club 3 times a week.
So, with weight loss, I need it to be something similiar. Commit to a strict plan 4 days per week and have leniancy on the other 3? I don't know, food is more challenging. But it can definitely be done. Leave it with me.
Oh, YOGA is finally back in a couple of weeks. I had a call with Hot Yoga Guy earlier this evening actually, he's such a nice man. He was asking me how I was after the lockdown and everything, it was just lovely that he bothered to take an interest like that. I said it was okay again now that I have my freedom back, and I asked him how he had found it. He said it was tough because he had no work for so long, but at least things are starting up again. Being self-employed is tough at times. Anyway, the studio is giving a day of welcome back classes Sunday week and then I'll probably try to book in a regular weekly class with him once a week. I'd like to do a bit more, but the timetable is really reduced, so I will commit to one class a week to start (and maybe bump it up with some youtube yoga) and see how I get on. It's that commitment and consistency that really counts.
- Thanks Cate. Easier said than done of course.
- Oh, I will LaMa. I love this place.
- Hi Petal. I actually do like my colleagues for the most part. One of them that has been mostly working from home was in today, and she was saying that me, another girl, and Work Colleague all get along great and she loves our little chats. It warmed my heart somewhat. That's not to say all that other drama is not lurking beneath the surface, but for the most part, I really do like it. Especially the last couple of weeks, things have improved a lot.
I actually never updated here, but the nasty mean girl I had that horrible incident with earlier in the year handed in her notice, so soon she will be a distant memory. I call that a success. And, you know, I was talking to my colleague Deirdre today, and she said she always felt she treated her well, which made me think that at least she can be pleasant at times. But I guess for me, it's such a relief that she's going. At least with Ellie, I know she has a certain amount of respect for me, and after talking to Deirdre today, she actually doesn't say half the annoying stuff to me that she does to other people. So, look, we'll start again. And we have a new girl starting, which will change the office dynamics again, hopefully for the best.
Anyway, had tennis club night tonight, it went so well, I am on a pure high after it. I just loved it. I thought it only went on for an hour - we ended up playing for two and a half hours.
I will definitely feel that tomorrow. But it was so cool, cos you play a doubles game for 20 minutes, then it's mixed up again and you play with another 3 people. So it's great to get to know the other club members also. I was also delighted with myself, because I was asked to play doubles next week with some of the ladies who are far better than me, but I'd already booked and paid for a game with my dad at the same time, so I turned them down. But it was so nice to be asked. I'm really proud of myself actually. I mean, I have really put myself out there since I joined the club, and it's all just going fantastic. It just shows, when you really put positive energy into something, the results will present themselves so quickly!! I don't know why I haven't been able to apply the same practice to weight loss, but of course, if I did, the weeks would fly by and I'd be so fit and healthy in no time.
So, I guess with the tennis, it was all about making that commitment: play against my dad once a week and play in the club 3 times a week.
So, with weight loss, I need it to be something similiar. Commit to a strict plan 4 days per week and have leniancy on the other 3? I don't know, food is more challenging. But it can definitely be done. Leave it with me.
Oh, YOGA is finally back in a couple of weeks. I had a call with Hot Yoga Guy earlier this evening actually, he's such a nice man. He was asking me how I was after the lockdown and everything, it was just lovely that he bothered to take an interest like that. I said it was okay again now that I have my freedom back, and I asked him how he had found it. He said it was tough because he had no work for so long, but at least things are starting up again. Being self-employed is tough at times. Anyway, the studio is giving a day of welcome back classes Sunday week and then I'll probably try to book in a regular weekly class with him once a week. I'd like to do a bit more, but the timetable is really reduced, so I will commit to one class a week to start (and maybe bump it up with some youtube yoga) and see how I get on. It's that commitment and consistency that really counts.
Definitely. You won that one
Your positive energy is almost making me want to join a more social sport, by the way 
- Go for it LaMa! What kind of sport would you potentially be interested in?
- Thanks Petal.
Went out for a friend's birthday tonight, I feel emotionally drained after it. I'm actually beginning to wonder if I actually enjoy talking to people on a night out or is it really the alcohol I'm after? To be fair, I didn't overdo the drinking tonight, which is good, but I just find chatting and making conversation really tiring at times. And yet, I do enjoy being around people, but maybe it's more when we have a task to focus on and not just mindless chitchatting. I don't know, I guess it takes a lot to impress me these days. Like, I just don't care about people's travel stories anymore. Hmm. Something to ponder. Also, the pub situation is depressing, it's just so anti-craic.
Feeling really tired now, but 3 day weekend! So badly needed. I am going to work on building up my energy reserves over the weekend and getting into a more positive frame of mind. I want to start seeing some changes.
- Thanks Petal.
Went out for a friend's birthday tonight, I feel emotionally drained after it. I'm actually beginning to wonder if I actually enjoy talking to people on a night out or is it really the alcohol I'm after? To be fair, I didn't overdo the drinking tonight, which is good, but I just find chatting and making conversation really tiring at times. And yet, I do enjoy being around people, but maybe it's more when we have a task to focus on and not just mindless chitchatting. I don't know, I guess it takes a lot to impress me these days. Like, I just don't care about people's travel stories anymore. Hmm. Something to ponder. Also, the pub situation is depressing, it's just so anti-craic.
Feeling really tired now, but 3 day weekend! So badly needed. I am going to work on building up my energy reserves over the weekend and getting into a more positive frame of mind. I want to start seeing some changes.
Maybe it has to do with the fact that nobody really has a lot of fresh stories right now? Other than weird shit that happened at work maybe.
I don't really know. I once played tennis for two years or so and did enjoy it. It's one of only a few sports people my age still regularly play and if I am going to socialize it would be nice to have it not be just with 18-y/os. The other would be golf which... I'm not the right social status for around here. Maybe I should do a bit of googling once there's a vaccine and I no longer feel bad about meeting new people.
Petal001
New member
Em I have become a bit anti social
As I get older. It’s a bit of an effort to make small talk with people. I have my few close friends but I notice since lock down they seem few and far between.
we went hiking yesterday and met lots of bikers . They were in small groups and they were so lovely and friendly . Stopped to talk to us . Met some horse riders and I kid you not they didn’t even acknowledge us . Very snooty . So if your looking for friendly sport people mountain bikers way to go
As I get older. It’s a bit of an effort to make small talk with people. I have my few close friends but I notice since lock down they seem few and far between.
we went hiking yesterday and met lots of bikers . They were in small groups and they were so lovely and friendly . Stopped to talk to us . Met some horse riders and I kid you not they didn’t even acknowledge us . Very snooty . So if your looking for friendly sport people mountain bikers way to go
Today, I would like to introduce a new feature called, 'Are Things Getting Better?', which I might implement once a month. I'll look back at my posts from the last 3 years and examine what I was thinking and talking about then, and whether I've made progress or am still stuck on a loop. I won't take the whole posts as otherwise this entry will be far too long.
1st August 2017
1st August 2018
Also, work relations with one person in particular are not going well. She got a roasting from the boss on Friday and then texted me that evening to say it was the worst day of her life. I didn't reply, because I am not taking on her stuff anymore. So, that's also worse. Oh God, what a depressing exercise this is turning out to be.
5th August 2019
Also, I'm surprised to read I was 180 this time last year, that's higher than I thought, and I feel better about it somehow. But obviously, I was nearly 10 pounds higher on my last weigh-in with a higher body fat percentage, so that has also got worse.
Anyway, today's exercise has shown me that I have a lot of work to do and I really have been in a very depressive state for a while now. I don't know how to get out of it. Today was meant to be Day 1 again (1st of the month) and I did go for a run and play tennis, but I also bought junk food and now I'm drinking red wine, so... not exactly stellar. I just feel a bit low.
1st August 2017
That was a very low calorie day. With no alcohol. Definitely things are not getting better with regards food compared to 3 years ago.
1st August 2018
Look at that weight! I would be relatively happy if I weighed that today. So that has not improved.
Also, work relations with one person in particular are not going well. She got a roasting from the boss on Friday and then texted me that evening to say it was the worst day of her life. I didn't reply, because I am not taking on her stuff anymore. So, that's also worse. Oh God, what a depressing exercise this is turning out to be.
5th August 2019
So, this time last year, I was dealing with all the crap with Work Colleague. While we haven't quite got back to where we were (and never will), at least the anxiety of interacting with him is gone for the most part and I feel he's more or less on my side again. So that's one thing that's got better.
Also, I'm surprised to read I was 180 this time last year, that's higher than I thought, and I feel better about it somehow. But obviously, I was nearly 10 pounds higher on my last weigh-in with a higher body fat percentage, so that has also got worse.
Anyway, today's exercise has shown me that I have a lot of work to do and I really have been in a very depressive state for a while now. I don't know how to get out of it. Today was meant to be Day 1 again (1st of the month) and I did go for a run and play tennis, but I also bought junk food and now I'm drinking red wine, so... not exactly stellar. I just feel a bit low.
alligatorob
Respected Member
Hey Emily, I am sorry you are feeling low. Wish I could do something for you to help. You seem a delightful young lady to me, one who deserves to feel good.
The run and tennis sounds good, that should improve your condition. I know that any day I eat well and exercise I feel better than if I don't. Give it a try tomorrow. And I am not sure comparing to years ago is very helpful. Its today that matters.
The run and tennis sounds good, that should improve your condition. I know that any day I eat well and exercise I feel better than if I don't. Give it a try tomorrow. And I am not sure comparing to years ago is very helpful. Its today that matters.
in case you need one and keep being kind to yourself.- Thank you Rob.
You are right, of course.- Thanks for the hug LaMa, appreciated for sure. Love your new profile pic, by the way. Lovely to see that beautiful smile.
- Thanks for the support Petal, as always.
Still feeling a bit ropey today. Had a relaxing morning, made porridge with raspberries and raisins, slice of toast with real butter and marmalade and a coffee. I bought a book yesterday, Daniella Moyles - Jump, finished it this evening. She's an Irish model/radio DJ/influencer who is around my age, and she took off on a solo travelling adventure for a year and wrote about it. It's actually a very well-written book, and she talks a lot about anxiety and latent anger. I really enjoyed it. I could relate to a lot of it.
Something she brings up in the book that I found interesting is about not having the right to be unhappy, when nothing 'bad' has ever really happened to you, and you live in a bubble where you have never had to worry about where your next meal is coming from or whether you have a place to sleep at night. I struggle with that feeling of being ungrateful for all the many gifts I've been given in this life. And not being able to just snap out of feeling unhappy in the way that I am feeling most of the time.
I have a friend's wedding celebration next weekend, and I am seriously contemplating ways of getting out of it. Not that I don't want to celebrate them and everything, but just because I am feeling low and don't really want to put on a happy face. I will probably do my usual thing of propelling my way through the evening with copious amounts of wine and cigarettes, and wake up the next day feeling like shit. It's terrible to not feel at ease with anyone, even your own friends and family. I really just feel incredibly unhappy the majority of the time. I actually feel so much more at peace by myself, reading, typing on here, watching a film. And that's really sad, because it also leads me to feeling incredibly lonely and misunderstood. I just can't possibly match up to the expectations placed on me. I feel that my life isn't 'enough'. It's not enough for me. And that leads to so much stress in painting a happy, carefree picture. 'Look at me, I am free and independent and all is well.' No, it's not well.
And then I think, if I keep telling myself all is not well, then how can it ever be well?
I have group tennis tomorrow morning, and then the rest of the day is free to explore as I would like. That is nice and freeing, and then the inevitable doom will descend tomorrow evening, when I contemplate going back to work and all the pressures and expectations and stresses that brings. I really don't want to work where I am working anymore. I don't know what I want, but I know it is not bringing me the joy I need my job to bring me anymore. I hate that there is so much underlying tension and fakery and I just want out. But what the hell am I going to do for money if I quit?