Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
My relations are constantly crowing about their kids that are doctors or teachers or...
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How really tedious and galling. :( But people who do that compare-compare thing will probably never find themselves at the exactly right spot - somebody else's kids will have won Britain's Got Talent, or the Nobel Prize or something - or there'll be internal family rows that never get settled, or something. Comparisons truly are odious, even if that's not what Shakespeare meant.

Emilyrose said:
...being forced to do things longterm, which is what this is turning into, is not good in my book
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Agreed, though not about masks per se which aren't really an issue here - our government made a fairly heavy effort to get us all to sign up to a very flawed tracking app - no, I don't want governments to have more opportunity for surveillance, thanks. Or for bullying and violence, as seen in some police arrests of people breaking restrictions.

Great about the job application! Best wishes indeed, for it to turn out on investigation to be what you want, and for them to see how good you are, and to sign you up!
 
Emilyrose said:
I am proud to be me. I am proud of all the things I've learned about myself, I am proud that I keep trying every day, I am proud that I've really done things on my own terms and will continue to do so for the rest of my life
and really start to live my best life from here on out.
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I have had this hanging in my reply window & obviously must have been distracted by Archie or my phone ringing yesterday morning :blush5:
I love what you said!
I think masks are to protect other people in case you have covid & aren't aware. I don't wear them out at the moment, but am not in a close environment with other people. I am using hand sanitiser a lot though. Actually I use ionised silver on my hands as I'm allergic to so much stuff. Staying home is my default now, unless necessary.
Good luck with the job application, Em!
 
- Thanks LaMa. I know they probably are useful. I guess I just like being able to smile at people!
- Yeah, it’s very similar DA, but just different enough to be a new challenge. I kind of hope they don’t call me though, I applied on a whim!
- Yes Amy. Maybe this makes me selfish, but I just feel like I’ve done enough. The app thing I am completely against.
- Thanks Cate. I love Archie’s new haircut!
- Yeah, you’re right Rob.
- Cheers Petal.

Just checking in cos my brain is wired for some reason and I can’t sleep. I have my work review tomorrow so maybe that’s the reason. I was so exhausted all day, it’s so annoying that I am full of beans when I don’t want to be!

I actually had a sad day. I didn’t really talk to many people today. I am just finding this pandemic really impacting me mentallly at the moment. My mind is just racing this evening, memory upon memory seem to be cropping up on a daily basis, and I am so tired of reliving the past. I feel like my life is on hold. I half think I applied for that job just for a diversion. I miss going places.

I had a very good day foodwise and I did about an hour of yoga there to try to calm myself down. I can really see the weight gain but the great thing about yoga is that you always see how great your body can move, all your muscles, and you know if you keep at it, you’ll see a huge change.

I’m going to try to do half an hour every evening. I think it would really help keep me sane.

I bought myself a card yesterday:
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I wrote a message to myself inside. I’m going to read it when I feel lost.
 
I'm really sorry that you had a sad day, Em. Well done on still eating healthily & doing yoga. I love your card & think that is a lovely idea. Trust in yourself, hon. All this will pass & you will be happy & feel loved down the track. Meanwhile, give yourself a mental hug & here's one from me :grouphug:
Do you like Catherine Tate, Em?
I just love it when she says "Look at my face. Do I look bovvered?"
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:grouphug: I definitely had that point where everything was just too much a couple of weeks ago. It passes but until then it sucks. I like the card! I have one which always cheers me up, with a stubborn-looking little redhaired girl, arms folded, and the message "I'm not on this world to be what other people want me to be."
 
Hi em
I hope by now job review went well and you are feeling more positive. Think we have all hit that brick wall over the last couple of months at some point but it sounds like you know what to do and not to do. Yoga is good and your card is lovely . Just as you said to me before just don't give into temptation to feed the stress with food.
I noticed roads are very busy today and lots of people in groups. Hope our numbers remain suppressed as we are doing good.
 
- Thanks Cate. I never really watched Catherine Tate but I do know that quote of course. I also like her couples sketch, where the wife tells her husband some perfectly mundane story from her day and makes out like it's completely wild, and her catchphrase is, 'What are we like?' Haha.
- That's cool, share a picture sometime LaMa.
- The review went very well Petal. Got mad about something this morning, hope it didn't undo all my good work. Never-ending stress.

So, the menthol cigarette ban came in on Wednesday. I smoked my last one then. I didn't smoke yesterday. I haven't smoked today but the cravings are driving me crazy. Rizla created this new card that you can put in with standard cigarettes that apparently gives them a menthol taste? I am trying to dissuade myself from trying this out.

Weight is still going up, it's crazy. I have gained so quickly in the last couple of weeks. I was half blaming it on my days without cigarettes, maybe they really were increasing my metabolism. But maybe I should accept the weight gain and hold strong without them.

Bit miserable after a work call this morning. Too many cooks involved in my project at the moment, and one girl went over my head on something, emailed the wrong vendor, and completely annoyed me. It's so not worth thinking about again, but it has perturbed me to the point that, 'I need a cigarette!' is going round in my head. I've been in two shops already today and I've stood firm, and I have no need to go shopping again today as I have a fully stocked fridge.

I just feel restless and out of sorts. I really do want to do this though. But when I think about the longterm, I start panicking. It's so silly. I've just got so used to having them around. What do I do now?!

Yep, definitely out of sorts right now. I didn't get an interview for the job either, but that's okay. 'Am I bovvered?' :D
 
Smoking does make you burn more calories - 150/day or so on average? Don't quote me on that. But most of the weight gain tends to come from people eating their nerves when they can no longer smoke them. I can't remember if you've tried nicotine gum or patches but they might help you get through those first few weeks.
 
Why were menthol cigarettes banned Em ? I guess I should know .

I think a lot of people are out of sorts right now . People are fed up and and anxious. It’s in the air .
Hope you have a nice weekend . Weather is a bit grim right now though !
 
I hope you can stay away from the menthol papers, Em.
I didn't think you were keen on the job you applied for & am glad you're "not bovvered".
Hope you wake up Saturday & the weather is better. Have a lovely weekend, Em. Do something nice xoxo
 
- I have the gum LaMa, but it makes me sick. 150 calories a day extra does not explain it, haha!
- Hi Petal. They think it is too easy for young people to get into smoking as they are not as harsh on your throat. Sort of like alcopops I guess.
- Yeah, I wasn't that keen Cate. Relieved really.

Right. I ended up caving and buying the cigarettes and new mentholated card yesterday. It didn't work too well and I discovered that normal cigarettes make me feel sick. Yay! So I am out of options guys. I have to quit them. I have done really well today and I actually don't have any cravings at all. I have been crying a lot however.

I watched the series finale of BoJack Horseman this morning. It is absolutely phenomenal. I think I really relate to it because it deals with a lot of issues like addiction, depression, anxiety, and trying to find meaning and purpose in life when you just aren't feeling good. It's also really funny and is just so well-written and I can't say enough good things about it. I was absolutely bawling my eyes out this morning watching the last 2 episodes, I mean out loud crying. I didn't know if I was crying for me or crying about the show or what, but it was intense.

I got myself together, had a shower, and then set off to the shopping centre and for a really long walk not far from my house. On my walk, I felt the tears coming again! I don't know what's come over me.

I bought a diet book today on choosing the right diet based on your blood type. The history of blood types is actually really interesting. What I thought was cool was that the recommendations the guy makes on what foods are beneficial or what foods to avoid really aligned with what I was thinking myself anyway. For example, 'good for you' foods that he said I should avoid were cabbage and lentils. If I eat cabbage, I can't digest it whatsoever, and it's the same if I have lentils a few days in a row. My whole system goes into disarray.

For the O blood type, he recommended to base your meals mostly around meat/fish and vegetables, with very limited dairy, rice and bread. I know for a fact that I am not eating enough meat or fish, so this is one thing I am going to start incorporating more into my diet. I actually think it will really help to eat more of them because they fill you up and that might stop me reaching for sugar to keep me going. Maybe that is what has been lacking all along. We ate a lot of meat dinners when I was growing up and I was the picture of health, never had any problems with my weight. So I am going to return to that way of eating and see how it pans out for me.

While I'm giving up the smokes, I'm not going to be too rigid with my diet, because I think it would be too much. But I'm going to do my best with it - try to cook most of my meals, keep snacks to a minimum, and limit my liquid calories. But if I feel like having a slice of toast with butter and marmalade, I will.

Another thing he mentioned in the book was that O blood types really respond well to vigourous exercise as it keeps their stress levels under control. Which I completely agree with. So I am going to make it my business to get out for my morning run every day this week and go for a gentle walk every evening. But getting the run in is the main thing. I think that's a lot of why I have been feeling so blue - not having consistent exercise.

That's all for today. I'm going home tomorrow for a roast lamb dinner, it's meant to be a scorcher, can't wait! Going to chill tonight and try to find a good movie to watch.
 
Em my daughter and I were watching Catherine Tate on you tube earlier and it was hilarious even though I saw before . Nothing like some comedy to give you a lift .

sorry you are so emotional. I do think from chatting to work friends a lot of people feel low at the moment . And you are dealing with giving up your crutch and have been reflecting on past stuff . I think you should go bit easier on yourself . Do you ever listen to podcast . I recently listened to dr Linda papadopolus - the psychology behind . Really liking it . Look her up and see the titles there are so many which relate to lots of your feelings . I only discovered her through another podcast where she was a guest . Enjoy your dinner tomorrow .
 
Em, my sister swears by the blood type diet & has been following it for 20 years I reckon. She doesn't stray much from the guidelines. I bought the book & all the things I love were all the things I'm not meant to eat :svengo:
Sometimes, hon all we can do is cry. If it doesn't get better, get some help. Just talking to a counsellor can help you look at things differently. :grouphug:
 
Emilyrose said:
While I'm giving up the smokes, I'm not going to be too rigid with my diet, because I think it would be too much. But I'm going to do my best with it - try to cook most of my meals, keep snacks to a minimum, and limit my liquid calories. But if I feel like having a slice of toast with butter and marmalade, I will.
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That may be a good strategy. One thing at a time and stopping smoking is pretty important. Once you feel more comfortable with that it may be easier to cut back a bit more on the meals. Doing your best is all you can do!
 
- Thanks for the podcast suggestion Petal, I will definitely check it out at the weekend when I've a bit more time.
- Ah yes Cate, I knew someone had mentioned it somewhere, it was you. I am going to give it a go, but be lenient with certain things (I'm not meant to eat oranges apparently).
- Thanks Rob.

I actually have a very positive update on the quit smoking campaign since I was last here. I did 3 days in a row - Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. That's my longest stint since I went on that yoga holiday last year. I broke it yesterday because I was horribly stressed and couldn't concentrate on my work when I really needed to, but I am back on a smoke-free day today. 4 out of 5 days is pretty stellar! I'm getting more and more used to getting through the day without them. It really does help that Marlboro Gold is so rotten in comparison to the menthol version. So the 'pleasure' I get from smoking is greatly diminished, even when I do cave.

My friend wants me to call for some beers in the back garden at the weekend, and I will probably buy a box then, but I am okay with that. If I can wean myself off the day-to-day smokes, 'party' smokes every now and again won't be too bad. Especially at the moment when there are very few parties happening. This is the most positive I've felt about overcoming this addiction in a long time.

Food continues to be a problem - I'm eating 3000 calories a day every day and my body is not happy. It's like I'm never full, it's insane. I know this is probably a perfectly logical reaction to a global pandemic - my body/brain/whatever is fearing that famine may be imminent and it is holding on to every calorie it can. I mean, in a way, I'm lucky that my body is doing what it was made to do to survive. It got my ancestors this far. It's just annoying when I already have plenty of fat already stored to survive a famine. Sigh. But I think because of the cutting down of the smoking, I am feeling good, so I am not panicking about this. I'm just going to do my best every day to taper it back down.

Another good thing is that I am doing a lot of walking. The weather was glorious today - I went for an epic 90 minute walk after work on a completely new route, which was wonderful. It was all along by the water, just lovely, and I ventured to a new little town that I'd never been to before. It's amazing, I had such a busy day in work and I have actually forgotten all about it because of that walk. I really must keep it up. Maybe I need the full 60+ minutes to get my brain to calm down fully. Hmm.

Two more days of work and another long weekend. I've had so many days off lately, it's insane. I don't mind too much though. I hope to meet my friend for those beers, walk my new route again but bring money for an ice cream and my book to read next time, and sort out my room! That will keep me entertained.
 
I'm glad that you are getting so much benefit from walking. I find it really meditative. It will be so good to get off the smokes, Em. I really hope you can do it. You will never look back xo
 
Emilyrose said:
Food continues to be a problem - I'm eating 3000 calories a day every day and my body is not happy. It's like I'm never full, it's insane. I know this is probably a perfectly logical reaction to a global pandemic - my body/brain/whatever is fearing that famine may be imminent and it is holding on to every calorie it can. I mean, in a way, I'm lucky that my body is doing what it was made to do to survive. It got my ancestors this far. It's just annoying when I already have plenty of fat already stored to survive a famine. Sigh. But I think because of the cutting down of the smoking, I am feeling good, so I am not panicking about this. I'm just going to do my best every day to taper it back down.
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I think you are right, overeating and bingeing is a natural condition. For 99% of human existence food was very short and people who ate any and everything they could were more likely to survive times without. We, those of use here, have stronger eating genes than most, which until the advent of plentiful rich fast foods would have been a benefit. Now it is not. That's my theory anyway. So I believe we are stuck with the genetic problem, what we have to do is figure out a healthy way to live with it. I am no expert, so I could be wrong, but its what I think.

Good for you on the cigarettes!
 
Yay for no-smoke progress! And possibly for well-meaning bodies who just can't understand the current world. For me walking really calms me down and if I don't do so much my body sees it as exercise that helps me eat less.
 
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