- It's been mostly bad for April in terms in weight Cate, but there was a little ray of sunshine there yesterday!
- I'm not sure about that Amy - tomorrow will reveal all. Definitely feel better today in terms of energy levels.
- Thanks Rob. And great news about donating yourself, well done. The 650 calories is an added bonus I didn't know about!
- Thanks LaMa.
Right. I am actually really tired this evening, had a hectic but quite enjoyable day in the home office, although I made a mistake and I am afraid that might blow up into a huge drama tomorrow, but hopefully because it's close to the bank holiday weekend, people might be cheerful and it will be okay. I am normally very on top of things, so I don't really care. I am not going to give myself a hard time about it or preempt what might happen. Bygones!
Anyhoo. I just wanted to do a little thing to mark the end of what has been one of the strangest months of my life. It hasn't been the loneliest, not even close, which is interesting. I think even though I am making stupid decisions left, right and centre, I am still in a much more positive frame of mind than I was 5 or 10 years ago. I have made strides, even though sometimes it feels like I am stuck on a loop. And I am in some ways, and it is incredibly difficult to stop relying on food, cigarettes and alcohol to hold my hand through the lonely, sad and bad times, but this is really the ONE THING I want to get right. And it's the only thing in my life that I have complete control over, which is so interesting.
I started watching BoJack Horseman last night, and he has problems with alcohol, and one of the other characters tells him 'that he hates himself and he has no self-control'. I don't want to hate myself and I want to get that control back. It's a minefield, because every day that I try to quit smoking, or not buy chocolate in the shop or drink wine, it is a huge battle in my head, and it's really exhausting and I just give in. But it's really keeping me stuck. It's the only thing really holding me back I think, because if I don't have to constantly worry about this stuff, I will have so much more energy to put into other people, hobbies, anything really. I need to free up my head bigtime.
I wanted to take a look back at the month that was April 2020, from my limited perspective. Let's start with the bad things:
- Too much drinking.
- Still smoking.
- Coronavirus. (Notice how it's not the first thing on the list.)
- Still eating too much junk food.
- Weight going up again.
- Moments of real loneliness and boredom.
But then, the good things:
- Managed a good few smoke-free days and breaks from smoking. I learned a lot about what I can do to try to ignore the cravings and just carry on.
- Started really cooking again and have picked up a few new meals, which is cool.
- Getting a break from the madness that is my workplace at times - it's definitely been nice to not have to go in every day to a mad busy schedule.
- Weight hasn't gone out of control.
- Spent a lot of time talking to my parents and really had time for them.
- Huge increase in my daily exercise.
- Discovered my woodland haven.
So, you know, not a total disaster.
What do I want for May? Everything. But let's put it down:
- Quit smoking entirely.
- Get my eating under control.
- No drinking.
- Start seeing real results on the scales.
- Keep exercising consistently.
What I hope for:
- Back in the office. I miss people and a proper structure to my day and wearing clothes that aren't loungewear.
- End of lockdown with no huge spike.
It's not going to be an easy thing, I am sure I will make a few mistakes along the way, but I just wanted to put it down here and really commit to making May 2020 a positive month after what has been a very despondent time for me and a lot of others. The only way is up!
) 
That's the worry.
)
