Emily Rose: The Reboot

Is drinking while posting (DWP) legal in Ireland? LOL.

Always enjoy your posts, good luck with the cigarettes I know that is a real tough challenge. Did not know menthol cigarettes were banned anywhere, maybe it will be a blessing in disguise.
 
It's just your brain going into scarcity mode. A bit like why it's so tempting for me to buy lots of unhealthy when I get to the store right now: it may be ages before I get back so I ought to use the opportunity. I think the only thing that might help is to repeat what you just told us, long form, every time the thought pops into your head. That way your brain will get tired of it and give up at some point.
 
Em how about a little challenge ? How much do you spend on cigarettes a box and how many boxes do you smoke a week ? Can you not set aside the money each time you want some and in 5 weeks time buy yourself something really nice ?
 
I loved hearing that your drama group really got your short story, and laughed! Humour's so hard to write - to get such a good reaction is a real coup - good for you! :)

And cigarettes - I know (from seeing my sister go through it) that quitting is no fun at all. She used a few helpers - a nicotine chewing gum? and I think a patch - anyway, she got there in the end. I hope you can swing the times in to your advantage and kick the cigs for good!
 
- Email replied to Cate!
- Definitely a blessing in disguise Rob. My fear is that the decision might be put on hold if they decide that they need that menthol tax revenue! So I don't want to build myself up for that quit date, and then for it all to come to nothing. And yes, DWP is still legal, as far as I know! ;) I think if I get a forum ban, I know I've taken it too far, lol.
- I don't know LaMa. I just don't know anymore.
- Good idea Petal. Hmm, thinking...
- Yeah, laughter is fantastic Amy. I like to think I'm 'funny' at times.

Oh God. Today was pretty terrible.

On the plus side, this is what I achieved today:
- Slept 9 hr 56 min. (Still woke up on the wrong side of the bed - what's that about?)
- Resting BPM 57, which is fantastic. No coronavirus here.
- Went for a run on my lunch break, showered, and still had time to eat my lunch and back at the screen within the 1 hour window.
- Was really frustrated at the mess starting to form in my room, so did a clean-up after I logged off. Folded all my clothes, put on a wash, hoovered, then hoovered the hall and stairs, where black fluff seems to form in a matter of days. Am I the black fluff culprit? Who knows? I'm starting to look at my woolly black jumper warily now, as it could be the cause. Hopefully I won't need to wear it too much longer if this sun keeps appearing.
- Rang my parents.
- Cooked a fantabulous healthy dinner.
- Made my bed.

On the minus side:
- Still felt unbelievably angry and deflated after all that. And the weather was fantastic today, and I still felt so, so low.

I guess I just have to accept that this is a down day. They will exist, they will be there. I just feel so trapped right now. I keep thinking about getting a job abroad and then remembering that there are no jobs abroad. And there probably won't be for at least a year. That's hard to come to terms with.

Also, lots of thoughts about why I am alone at 34, where did I go wrong, blah blah blah. Am I over the hill? Are all the good ones taken? How can I even meet them if we are going to be practicing social distancing until they find a vaccine? Agh!

My friend is in Colombia and he said that the men and the women are only allowed out on alternate days. Imagine being single in Colombia? Jesus.

I'm sick of having too much time to think. I am ready for the next adventure.

(Sidenote: SG is still texting asking me to meet him, but this is sporadic and I know I am probably one of a list, which angers me.)

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

On another plus side, discovered Julia Jacklin's album Crushing today, I am crushing on her music! She is Australian Cate. This is fantastic:

 
I'll check your email out now, Em. I always "do" the forum first, then my calendar, then email :)
I hadn't heard of Julia Jacklin. She's good. I'll check out her music today.
Em- you certainly have not missed the boat with finding the right one. I am so grateful now that our son, R's previous relationships didn't work out. I think his current GF is just perfect for him. He's older than you & she is your age. I love this woman.
You are obviously attractive & this will not go on forever. Maybe now is the time to join a dating site. Obviously you can't actually date, but it would be a safer way of finding someone who might be more compatible with a person you meet in a bar or out somewhere where hormones might win over logic & mutual interests (other than those hormones). It's worth thinking about.
Quick edit: I went & checked out Julia Jacklin & went to her FB page & I had already liked it. Whoops :blush5:
 
Sounds like you did everything experts recommend to take care of yourself, good work. A shame some days even that doesn´t quite cut it. Hopefully today will be a better day! I´ve been thinking about joining a dating site for this weird time as well. I actually quite enjoy writing back and forth with people without the immediate pressure of meeting up, but I have found that meeting up in reality makes incompatibility clear a lot more quickly than written exchanges. Although maybe video chat could serve the same purpose? I don´t know, really: I´m definitely not the person with all the dating answers :D
 
Hey Emily, hope today was a better day for you. I really enjoy reading your posts, you are so articulate and always interesting, even when you are feeling a bit down.

I like Cate's suggestion, this might be a good time to try internet dating. Find people who are interested in you for an online or telephone relationship first, then meet in person when things change. Might find different people that way. I am just guessing of course I don't know. I can tell that you are a very interesting and intelligent person, work at it a bit and I am confident you can find the right guy... if I was just a whole lot younger, and a few other things...lol! All the good ones are not taken, for example you aren't.
 
There was a whole section on the radio Newstalk I think the other day about online dating . It is probably podcasted but there are new apps now better than tinder .
If it's any consolation Em I find lots don't meet their person now until later 30s and normally through friends of friends etc . Your drama club probably a good place .
 
- Thanks Cate. I am on one. I dip in and out but it's not really for me.
- Let me know if you decide to go for it LaMa! I'd love to hear about it.
- Haha, you charmer Rob. Thank you.
- There is a guy that likes me in the drama group Petal. He's 46, and he's small and kind of fat, but there's something nice about him. I keep thinking I should give him a chance, but I'm not really attracted to him. I don't know. He came out for my birthday and one of my friends texted me the next day to inform me that she got the vibe he was really into me. I am sadly a superficial person, I don't know. He'd probably treat me a lot better than SG (not that SG is terrible, he's just only half-invested), but then I guess I just want someone I think is cute.

Right. Weight has reached catastrophic levels - I guess the extra movement from going to work and going places makes more of a difference than I realised. Also, eating has become the highlight of my day. It's sad, because I am probably getting a lot more of my essential vitamins and minerals in, because my meals are so much better, but I am still topping up with chocolate/takeaways/wine, and it's all adding up to me turning into a tub of lard.

It's irritating because I actually have a nice healthy glow from being outside more in the glorious sunshine we have been treated to the last few weeks, and I feel like I look better facially, but then my body is getting bigger, and I really don't want that. Some women look fine with extra weight on them. I am not one of those women. I mean, even if I lose 20 pounds, I will still be bigger than I want to be, and that's really sad and annoying and kind of dispiriting, if I'm being honest.

Round and around and around and around we go. Rob, you might know this from Westworld, but I'm stuck in a loop.

Had a good virtual work day today, with some signs of life for getting out of this working from home crack, so that's cheered me up somewhat. I had a call with one of our suppliers as well, we actually have a very nice relationship, it was great to talk to him. Myself and Work Colleague took a trip up to meet them last year, it was belting sunshine the whole way, and after the business side of things was done (which was really just a nice chat, because they are actual real people and not smarmy salespeople), we had lunch outside a really nice cafe together. WC and I stopped for ice creams on the way back. It was great. I miss people and being able to get into a car and go somewhere and have a little adventure.

This is my last night of eating/drinking what I want. Tomorrow, it's meant to be raining all day, so I want to sleep in and do a bit of tidying and try to get out for a walk in between showers, but not much else. Sunday, I want to get back into beast mode. I can't go back to work in a couple of weeks time being this fat. It's just not happening.
 
Hey Emily, what is your plan for the diet? Sounds like it is beginning, that is good. Keep us posted.

I vote that you give the 46 year old small fat guy a chance. What have you got to lose? He might turn out to be a keeper, if not I think you will figure it out pretty quickly. SG may be better looking but he sure sounds like a deadend to me. Anyway advice to the lovelorn is not my area of expertise, so you can ignore this.
 
I vote you don´t "give him a chance". You can try and work with him a little more closely to see if your feelings change but don´t get his hopes up prematurely. It´s ok to to have preferences; it doesn´t make you shallow. Research shows that having a "type" ultimately doesn´t have anything to do with the kind of person you end up with. If the spark is there it´s there and you likely won´t care whether someone is conventionally attractive or not.
 
Hi Em,
I actually think gettimg to know someone can be a game changer . Instant attraction can fade very quickly if there is nothing substantial there in the first place.
I think a lot of people are focusing more on food during the lockdown . I know someone who has taken up baking .
Yep it's raining here as you predicted. But good you have a plan for the day Em. Enjoy the weekend
 
- Hi Rob, my plan is 3 healthy meals a day, 2 proper snacks, 1 coffee and 1 tea max, 2 slices of bread max, and burn at least 500 calories each day. I can track that using my Fitbit and it will probably involve a run and a short walk each day. I'm going to allow for treats if I need them (as in, one treat, not 5), but I am not allowing alcohol until I reach a certain goal. I will decide what that is when I weigh in tomorrow. Or maybe allow it one day a week, I haven't decided. I still need things to look forward to to get me through the boredom.
- Yeah LaMa, I was probably a bit blunt in my description of him. He's not exactly texting me all the time or anything, so I don't really have to worry about it for now.
- Have a lovely weekend Petal.

Right. I know I just posted last night, but what I actually wanted to do was refer back to something Petal said about giving up smoking. I have a wedding coming up in 12 weeks time, and I really would love to be 24 pounds lighter for it, but we'll say anything from 12-24 pounds to give me some wiggle room. It shouldn't be too hard to lose a pound a week if I stick with my exercise plan. Anyway, I found the most beautiful wedding outfit dresses of all time on a website recently - they are super-expensive, but absolutely stunning, and so my taste. So I'm thinking that this could be the driver to finally quit smoking. And I can use the saved money to splash out and order one of these dresses. Obviously, it would be nice if I could wear a smaller size also, but let's not get caught up in that too much now. Anyway, here is one that I think is beautiful:

original.jpg

It's crazy expensive, and I might go for a different colour, but I just love the style. Anyway, it's something I am thinking about. Every time I want to buy a pack of cigarettes, I can think that it means I am waving goodbye to my beautiful wedding outfit, because I won't be able to afford it if I keep smoking.

The website is thereformation.com, by the way.

Anyway, let's try it. Let's agree to always try again. :)
 
I'm two weeks into no cigs, Em. I'd gotten into a horrible habit of sneaking some in when L went to bed.. and then on weekends or if out with friends..and then when he napped in the morning. Really scared me that I couldn't stop, even when I knew how terrible it was for me. So I got a fancy vape and loads of yummy vape juices and just stopped. It's still not great, I'd rather have a cigarette and do think about them a few times a day, but the vape keeps me going. Hope you can stop - the first few days are hardest, then it's just forming new routines, I think.

Anyway, hope everything else is okay lovely. Not read too far back in your diary - what's happened with work in light of the ronaaa?
 
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